higgs, he needs to understand that you have boundaries and are not willing to live like this. He is not in a position to negotiate the recovery of this marriage, so it will be up to you set the standards. You can't allow yourself to be at the mercy of a wayward.

And if he wants to insist he had no affair, would be willing to clear his name with a polygraph?

He thinks this because you are allowing him to think this. He is not working with you at all, he is abusing you. And expects you to take it.

Lay out the plan to him and say you don't believe the marriage "has much hope" unless he commits to the plan. and the truth is that it has NO HOPE until he does. as long as he refuses to commit to the marriage, you will just endure more of the same abuse.

higgs, I have been where you are now. After exposure, H was emotionally abusive to me for days. He would taunt me and make mean and hurtful comments. He refused to admit to the A, and was still secretive. So I did what MelodyLane is suggesting that you do. I started telling him that he needed to make plans to move out over the weekend, and that I expected him gone by Sunday. I even suggested a friend he could stay with. I told him it hurt me to see him.

I didn't know back then, but now I know that he was still in contact with OW during that time.

When he still wouldn't admit to the A, I told him that if he wanted to stay, that I wanted him to take a polygraph. He then taunted me by saying he would pass, and he tried to get out of it by saying he refused to pay for it, and so on, excuses, excuses. I told him I would pay for it with my money, no problem. He insisted he would pass. I told him if he passed, I would apologize to him and to everyone else. But that if he didn't pass, then I would have proof he had an A. I cannot tell you the antics this man came up with to get out of it. I stood my ground though, I set it up for him, and told him the date and time he was to be there. He texted me all day for three days about this polygraph. He finally confessed everything the day before he was due to take the polygraph.

You have to be strong now, like I was. He is looking for anything and everything to throw you off track, so that you'll allow him to continue his A. Don't let him sway you. Don't pay attention to his fogbabble!

A side note - I don't know if this would be recommended for you to say to WH, but this is what I said to my H after yet another one of his mean and hurtful comments: "what you are doing to me is called emotional abuse, and you need to stop it. I will not take it anymore." This seemed to jolt him out of his fog a bit - he certainly looked very surprised, and he did stop, most of it anyway.

I think I can do it, but it will be hard and I'm scared of the outcome....I know he will not agree to any of it.

Holy crap, movingforward, it just occurred to me how very much your H is like hers!! He is doing and saying all these things to her, hoping to bully her into silence.

I spoke to her on the phone and we went over some talking points tonight. Hopefully she is having this discussion now. Thanks so much for weighing in with your experience, MF, she could really use feedback from someone like you!

He may not!! But guess what?? That is exactly what movingforward said too!

He's still not home.

He is playing a head game.

To add to this, when he insists he did not have an affair tell him you would be willing to set up a polygraph test to let him clear his name.

When he responds with something like $%$#%)$#%)$%$ I am innocent!! How can you not trust my word after 20 years??????

Look at him with pity and respond: "that is not convincing."

Oh wow....the fireworks. I got on the phone and asked him to commit to a couple of things or we would have to seperate. He then said ok, that he had already decided that after the demeaning sh*t I caused.

All of the sudden, he texted me and said, "I love you, with all that is in me! When he came in though, it was pure rage!!! I've never heard the "F" word used so many times in my life. He said that, "that's what I deserve after giving you 20 years of my life?" He compared me to his mother who told him, "I wish you were never born."

This is my fear. My husband was terribly abused as a child and I'm worried that this is going to push him to the brink. I did reassure him that I loved him, and then he called me a snake in the grass. How can he love me and think all these hateful thoughts?

He was screaming and yelling and crying all at once. I've never seen him so mad. He went crazy when he saw the suitcases.

Do not REACT to this, higgs. Keep in mind that his goal is to TERRORIZE you into silence and stop you from protecting yourself. Stick to your plan and do not allow yourself to get scared off your path.

He said that he has always apologized to me over the year even when he knew he was right because I always threw divorce in his face...this is true. He said that he would make amends with me so that we could keep our family together, but he never meant it.

This is so hard for me. He said, that why should he accept so much suffering for "thinking about having an affair" when I have made him suffer for the last 18 years.

Bully suit on in spades, I see.

Were you able to stand your ground and stay calm and loving in your words?

Have you ever seen a 16 year old throw a tantrum? Yelling, profane, stiff body stomping up and down? If you can picture his tirade in that context, you can stay calm and on point.

My little brother did that - I laughed and laughed when he did it because he was 6 feet tall - amazing to see a grown child tantrum!

Don't let him manipulate you, higgs!!

Tell him you will give him an opportunity to recover your marriage if he follows the outline and agrees to take a polygraph. That is the only way this will work. Otherwise, you will need to separate. It is his choice.

*I can't live like this anymore. I need you to go.*


*I will give you an opportunity to clear your name by taking a polygraph.*

*I would be willing to forgive you and work on this marriage if you will commit to these things........*

*otherwise, this is hopeless and it is best to separate.*

I did stay calm and I continued to reassure him that I loved him, but he had to commit to working on our marriage and stop leaving everyday. I needed him to send a letter to OW. He still hasn't agreed....just a lot of screaming. yes, it was like looking at a 6'2" giant kid. I almost laughed a couple of times because I have never seen him so angry.

I never cried or yelled; I had a hard time getting a word in edgewise. Will he ever forgive me for this? He just keeps repeating the same things over and over.

forgive you for what? Did you have an affair?

Go back and read the talking points in my last post and repeat them over and over again to him. STAND YOUR GROUND.

He's asleep in there now after his tantrum. I, however, will be up for hours in complete replay.

You are doing great!! just stand firm. And remember that the wayward does not get to negotiate the terms of your recovery. He either agrees or he is out. Your boundaries are non-negotiable.

He just wants to keep bringing up all the love busters that I have done over the years.