We'll be meeting with the new attorney next week, so I should be able to ask some of these questions and get more detailed information then. I think the PD mentioned something about the possibility of having his record expunged, but I'm imagining if he gets a 2-year prison sentence and 4 years of parole, that's something that is going to show up on a permanent record and have to be listed on an employment application, which in all likelihood will mean that my son will be unemployable for life.

So, for a more practical problem, since so much of this is out of my control at the moment. This home supervision thing is getting very tough. It's driving my son nuts, of course, but it's also taking a toll on other people. In the past month, I doubt my husband and I have had 15 hours total of UA time, let alone 15 hours a week. We literally never get to go anywhere without our son unless we can find someone to stay with him. All of our family are at least 1 1/2 hours away, so they can't help much. My older son is staying with us (for free and eating our food), but he's working now, and even when he's not working, he doesn't want to help out much. When I ask him if he can stay with Ryan and the baby for an evening so my H and I can have a date night or something, he either doesn't answer, or is vague with his answer, so I never know. He comes and goes from the house and I never have any idea where he'll be or when he'll be back. I know he's used to being on his own and not answering to anyone and this is hard on him, but we could really use a little help and support here. I'm not asking for much. Just a couple hours a week.

It was okay when the home supervision was only supposed to last for a month, but now I really have no idea when this will end. My friend who is a lawyer said that if this goes to trial, it could drag on for 1-2 years, and since the judge already stated that our choices were home supervision or back to juvenile hall, it is feasible that he could be under home supervision until he's 19 or 20. He's already going crazy with it after a month. I don't think any of us could survive years of this.

What can we do? My M wasn't on the sturdiest ground before all of this, and I'm very afraid that this could be the proverbial nail in the coffin. I don't want that to happen, but it's very difficult for my H and I to have any sort of relationship when every minute we spend together has to take place in the company of a baby and several teenagers. I know this shouldn't be my main concern right now, but it is a concern. As much as we have to deal with all of this, we have to deal with the rest of life too. We can't just put everything else on hold indefinitely.

I'm sorry, writer. I thihnk you should draw up a contract with your older S, wherein so many hours of lawful supervision is his "rent." I think you are wise to consider your M even in all this. H and I put our M "on hold" for a time ealier in our M, and it was NOT a good thing.

It's just annoying to me that there are people out there doing awful things and being given the benefit of the doubt all over the place, while a teenage boy is already being "imprisoned." Sometimes life makes no sense. I wish I could do something for you.

"Son, the only way we'll be able to continue to provide you with food and lodging is if you can contribute to the family upkeep by staying with Ryan and the baby for X hours a week. If you can't do that, you're going to have to find somewhere else to live."

In the mean time, calculate how much having Older Son live with you is costing. That's how much you will have to apply toward paying another adult to stay in the house while you and your husband go out. But don't share that information with Older Son. He's likely to use it as a negotiating point or to manipulate you. Also don't make your effort to work on your marriage part of the conversation with Older Son. As I understand it, he's your son but not your husband's? In which case, he probably feels under no obligation to help you out for the sake of the marriage. In other words, don't even bother trying to appeal to his sense of family or common decency. Just cold hard consequences: if you can't do this, you can't stay here.

Good ideas. We do need to talk to him about this and set up an arrangement that will work for everyone. Originally, he was only supposed to stay here for a few weeks and then he was going back to Utah to work. He changed his mind and decided to look for work here and found a job. I know he wants to find his own place as soon as possible, but while he's here he is going to have to contribute. His status isn't so much "guest" anymore, which is how I saw it in the beginning, but more "resident" and residents have different expectations than guests. I guess it's time we made that a little more clear.

And no, he isn't my H's bio son, but he was only 4 years old when we married, so my H pretty much raised him. His bio dad wasn't really in the picture (he would call once or twice a year, but that's about it). Really, all of the kids seem like "ours" to both of us, since we raised all of them together under one roof. There was no visitation from the other bio parents or child support, or anything like that.

Still, our son providing a service to us and contributing around the house in exchange for a free place to live and food to eat doesn't strike me as unreasonable. He may feel differently about that, but if he doesn't like the rules, he's free to find another place to live anytime.

OK, I didn't have that part quite right. It sounds like he'd have more interest in the health of your marriage than he might if your husband had come into his life when he was 13 or so. But he still may not be in a place to appreciate the efforts you and your H need to make to build your marriage, so consider carefully whether you include that in the conversation.

If the record was sealed Think there is no way they can find out unless they were a high security type job employer. Granted, Son might have to settle for something less than what he had planned for in youth but I would like to beleive he would work whereevr he could if he had a chance.

This to me speaks of the scripture, "Be ye as wise as serpents, but as gentle as doves". I wouldn't be attempting to explain this situation to the average mid-grade job manager and expecting anything but rejection. I would tell them whatever to get a job and not think twice about it because my willingness to work for a living would outweigh my desire for absolution from the general public. This is something your Son will have to proess Writer as he learns to live with these consequences.

I am sure that in time your Son will see that he has learned a valuable lesson in life from the scummy XGF, her family, and a court system that trys to deal with truth but can only use proven evidence to protect the innocent but is flawed. Its people, of course its flawed. It can't know the complete truth of what happened or what your Sons intentions were/are. It attempts to make the consequences so severe that not only will it deter him from any furthur involvement it will scare anyone else who hears about it. . But the system is not allseeing or have allknowledge. That is smething he will have to trust God for
Hang in there day by day and encourage son to get counsel.

I would ask older son to contribute to the family as explained by the other posters also.
In my prayers Writer

I'm thinking it might be a good idea for me to speak to a counselor. We have an appointment with our bishop on Wednesday and I'm going to ask him about it then. Our church offers family and marital counseling with licensed therapists, and since our medical insurance doesn't cover counseling (unless there is a medically diagnosable condition) that might be the best way to go. I don't feel like I'm dealing with any of this well. The anxiety, loss of sleep, and loss of appetite are starting to take a toll. I've been sick all day. Don't know if it's what the baby had or just stress.

We went to church today (before I got sick). Other than once to listen to my daughter give a talk in sacrament last year, it's the first time I've been in almost 3 years. It was awkward. I almost chickened out. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I just knew I needed to do something this morning and I didn't know what else to do.

Writer,

So sorry to hear that things have not gone well.

I have a few things to offer.

1. I am in LA county, you in San Diego? The polygrapher I used was a compassionate female former cop. $500. Glendale or Burbank.

2. Edited-- the offer still stands but now that you've seen the info I want to take it off the public board.

Let me know if you want to pursue. I don't check this forum hardly ever, so maybe a shout out over on recovery would be best. Hugs to you.

So, tomorrow is my son's 18th birthday, and I'm not sure what to do. He isn't allowed to see friends, and since he's been out of contact with all of his friends for so long, and so many nasty rumors have been circulating around school for months now (all started by one person) I think he's starting to feel like he doesn't have any friends anymore and that everyone has turned against him or forgotten him. He has been very isolated, and that is a difficult thing for a young, social person.

So, how do we handle this day? I want to do something for him, but I don't know what. No one here has been in a very celebratory mood here lately, so we haven't planned anything. There isn't much money, so whatever we do will have to be fairly cheap. Any ideas how to handle this?

Also, looking for ideas on how to get through June 3, which would have been his graduation day. That's going to be a hard one for everyone.

Can he get emails from his friends? Maybe they could send him encouraging b'day emails?

He must really be a wonderful guy, by the way. Most wonderful people were born in May

Let me take a stab in the dark here Luri, but by some chance, is your birthday in May?

Well, I mean, if you're gonna just badger me (chocolate), I guess I'll tell you it's Saturday (pedicure), and that I'll be 42 (dinner). But I don't want anyone making a fuss (giant letters at the top of the web site).

Happy early birthday Luri!

How are YOU doing today?

Better than yesterday. I'm still sick, but I think I'm on the mend. I'm still not able to eat anything, but I've kept down a little Sprite, so that's something. I hate being sick.

My son wants to go to Magic Mountain for his birthday, so we're looking into that for this Saturday maybe. My H gets discount tickets through his work, and compared to other amusement parks in So-Cal, that one is pretty cheap. I will be hanging out with the baby all day in Thomas World and Bugs Bunny Land.

Go and have some fun at the theme park! That sounds like a much-needed respite during this whole thing. Still hoping the karma bus rolls over that young tramp.

This Saturday coming up(Forgetful)

Aw, thank you SSO

Writer, you can have one of my balloons! How are you???

Thank you for the balloon.

When it rains it pours. My mother fell yesterday and broke her ankle in 2 places. She's been stuck on the couch ever since she got home. She can't even get up to go to the bathroom. She lives with my 88-year old grandmother who is in a wheelchair and my aunt and uncle, both in their 60's, and none of them can get her off the couch either. She's an hour and a half away and called this morning asking me for help, but my van is making all sorts of weird noises and I'm afraid to drive it that far. Heck, I'm afraid to drive it down the block. I was told 6 months ago that it needed $5000 worth of work if we wanted to keep it running, but we couldn't afford it, so we never made the repairs.

UGH!

I would not recommend anyone stand too close to me in a thunderstorm.

Sorry for the latest news, Writer.
I can't remember, but has your mom been much help as far as coming over to help you with DS?
I'm asking because it seems like everyone in your life is a "taker" and you are a "giver." I mean, when things were critical on court day, no one stepped up.
When you asked older son who was sponging off you to help out, he didn't step up.
Is this commonplace in your life? Maybe it's time to stop spreading yourself so thin and let others look out for themselves. If older son won't help out, he can go live with your mom and help her. If mom wasn't much help to you, then she can hire a respite nurse to come around the house.
I'm sorry this keeps happening to you.