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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Excuse, so what if she sees it. If you are that worried about it, call a PI and get his contact info. You can get it for less than $15.

Better yet, send a message out to all her facebook friends. It's bound to get back to him then. That's what we would recommend the BS to do, so you will just be doing him a favor by exposing for him and doing the lovebusting for him. It bet she won't want to be with you after that. Just do it.

Hear hear!


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Joey, where does he work? You must know in all those conversations with the OW? Call him at work, find his parents #, call and ask for his #.

You were "creative" in having an A, this should be easy for you.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Better yet, send a message out to all her facebook friends. It's bound to get back to him then.

Best solution! She can't delete your post to your wall only her's. Her/His friends will still see it and you can betcha it WILL get back to him.

So, what are you waiting for? Just pull the trigger.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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joey123 Offline OP
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I would send out to all their Facebook friends, but it's not up to me to do that. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to find out about this. I know on here it says to tell everyone to bust everything up, but I can't do that for him. I will let him know, and anything that happens after that is up to him. Any other search tools out there besides pipl?

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Good advice on the parents, I think I just found out their number. I'll give them a call and see if I can get a cell number out of them.

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If he and his WIFE share the verizon acct like most MARRIED folk, go one number up from hers, or one number down from hers.

EG WW- 555-1234, her BS 555-1235, or 555-1233. We have had 3 carriers over the years, we always had numbers like this GF.


Marriages don't fail, people do. (And I don't recall who said it)
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Joey,

You have two very difficult actions to do right away...

Tell your xBW about your A...and tell OWH.

Pick up the phone right now and tell your xBW. Tell her that you spent so much time meeting OW's ENs, thinking and fantasizing about her, that you robbed xBW the chance to have a deeply loving, fulfilling marriage.

You worked really hard on your A...to give OW just the right image, believe all the right lies you both told each other...you won't feel like doing the right thing until you experience your xBW's pain--you won't see the depth of the lies you've drowned yourself in.

You and the OW broke apart two marriages...caused this pain, not by informing...pain was already there. You know that. You know your hesitation is adding to your degradation. Because you're looking at a guy with cancer eating his insides out, you can see it and know it...he doesn't...so he isn't reaching for a cure.

And he's being eaten up while you try to muster up your courage...another lie to yourself...because you know you choose to act courageously...read the posts. You know they are right.

You are in the habit of doing wrong...for three years, you have been actively crossing healthy boundaries of respect, honesty and love...and making up justifications why it's okay...and blaming the victims of your crime.

When you really stop doing wrong and do right (make those calls asap), you will begin the really long process of breaking this horrible habit...and the first step isn't the biggest...they all become big...until they become your routine.

Don't think, act. You already know what to do...don't wait to feel like it. Feelings follow actions. Be kind to yourself and free yourself from all the lies, so you can see straight again.

Get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley, so you can see how marriages can be saved, how you destroyed your own...and how OW's marriage may well recover, in the coming years...and that would really be the biggest blessing to you that you can't see now.

You already know that if you don't have any contact with OW, you won't feel for her...and that's the truth. Which is what you did with your xBW (if you really are divorced...not sure I know what you mean your marriage ended May, 2009)...you made yourself fall out of love, stopped working your half of the marriage and abandoned her with deception...and blamed her for the failing.

You broke your vows to your xBW three years ago when you spoke to a member of the opposite sex about the intimate details of your marriage and inserted yourself into hers by allowing OW to tell you about hers. That's where the destruction began, the first break...don't do that again. Ever.

That was you attacking two marriages...from the first disclosure you made.

So of course you won't feel like finding redemption...you'll feel like staying a bad person believing they couldn't help themselves (continuation of the lies)...it's your habit, your routine, which you worked so hard for three years to keep spinning, justifying, tweaking, excusing...horrible way to live, really. Takes more and more fantasy to compensate for the reality...until the reality breaks all the way through.

If this had been done to your best male friend...where his wife did what OW did...where she invaded his marriage, tore it up and spit it out...you would NOT like anything about that OW...and yours is her, see? No respect (she doesn't respect you, your BW, the marriage, her BH or herself), though she will say she does...due to a feeling; she does disrespect. There is no future. Never was.

And she was telling her BH she loved him, was sleeping with him, and lying to you, just like she lied to her OWH. You cannot trust her to not lie...to do otherwise is crazy. Nothing about you makes you special enough to get her to stop lying. She's been doing it for three years (probably a lot longer)...it's her habit.

You choosing to believe her is another way you lie to yourself. That she says she believes you, that you're being honest, is laughable, isn't it? Can you see that?

If you want to truly repair what you did, you make those two calls...then focus on psyching yourself up to go to your own HR dept and report your affair...that you used company time and resources to carry it on and you name OW so that both of you can stop lying. That's the hero's walk...and one of you stops working for this company by the end of next week...will help you to not contact her in anyway.

Do what the posters are advising so you can look at yourself in the mirror and not justify who you are...you can truly be a man worth knowing and loving, respecting. Redemption road awaits...longer you take to get on it, the longer it will take to see the end of it...and the more damage you'll have done along the way to amend.

LA

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Originally Posted by joey123
I would send out to all their Facebook friends, but it's not up to me to do that. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to find out about this. I know on here it says to tell everyone to bust everything up, but I can't do that for him. I will let him know, and anything that happens after that is up to him. Any other search tools out there besides pipl?

You can't do that for him, but you can bang his wife and break up his marriage. Boy, you sure have his best interests at heart.

Intellius.com

Have someone else call up his wife and ask for her husband's number.

Facebook message one of HIS friends and ask for his email. Can't you send private message in facebook anyway.

Where there is a will, there is a way. You just need to find the will.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by joey123
Good advice on the parents, I think I just found out their number. I'll give them a call and see if I can get a cell number out of them.

Bingo...

Do not tell the parents why you want to contact him. Say you are an old friend or friend of his wife.

Good idea about cell phone one digit dfference. That is how it worked in your house. 3 phones all one digit difference


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Originally Posted by joey123
Good advice on the parents, I think I just found out their number. I'll give them a call and see if I can get a cell number out of them.

And just to beat you to the punch, Joey, if you suck it up and actually talk to the parents, and they do not feel comfortable giving out their son's phone number, LEAVE YOUR CONTACT INFO. And tell 'em it's important.

If some stranger called my folks looking for me, I don't think they'd give out my info. They're parents. They're naturally protective.

The internet is a wonderful thing. I gotta believe you can find this guy through some search mechanism, but if you call his folks, at least it shows some form of ACTION, and not more of the whole, "I know I need to do it, but I don't know when" type of stuff.

TB

Last edited by BTinBL; 05/06/10 03:09 PM. Reason: Pesky typos...


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Facebook message one of HIS friends and ask for his email. Can't you send private message in facebook anyway.


Ask them for his email and if they don't feel comfortable giving you that ask them to get a message to him to please call you ASAP about an important personal matter concerning his wife. That'll get their attention and probably pique their curiosity enough to pass on the request.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thanks Opt, and I'll try to not let my feelings taint what I say. I do believe what I posted though. If Joey wants to save his marriage, he needs to step up and that starts with O&H.

Joey, I have no resentments towards you personally. Appologize for coming accross so strong. If an open and honest marriage and life is something you desire, you are going to have to work for it.

Limb, I just re-read my post and I can see how my intention could be totally flipped around. Everything you said to Joey was totally right on and appropriate. I was more concerned about you, and your plan staying intact. I shouldn't have posted something to you on Joey's thread - too confusing. Besides, I know better than to think something like this situation would throw you off, even for a moment.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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Joey,

contacted the BH yet?


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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Make the call.

A word from your local internet broken record.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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[TJ]Hey, Mel! You can borrow my siggy line if you wanna! wink [/TJ]


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Well, I did half of the plan. I told her I can't do this anymore, it's not fair to him, etc. I basically started the no contact phase. I sent an email to her reiterating that we're done and not to contact me, ever. However I guarantee she will break it. I can be good and not break it, but I just don't see her doing it. When she breaks the no contact should I just ignore her, or tell her to stop contacting me?

I have not told her Husband yet. To be honest, I'm still back and forth with that. Part of me thinks it's not my place to tell him. Part of me feels I have already caused enough damage and me telling him will just make things worse. Maybe they have more of a chance at recovery if he knows nothing. I want to be done with it and not be involved anymore. Just break it off and be done. What she chooses to say or not say is up to her. Is that a bad way to go about it? Is it still on me to let him know?

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YES that is a bad way to go about it.

YES it's still on you to let him know!

Have you not listened to anything anyone has said to you since you first got here? I think you need to start at the beginning and read your thread from the start.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
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16 pages into this thread and you are asking this SAME question. Go back and read what we all wrote BEFORE. We aren't going to change our minds no matter what you say. We aren't going to one day say, "Oh, yes, I never thought of that. Don't tell." NOPE not gonna happen.

JUST TELL HIM ALREADY. You are hurting him everyday.

As far as if you are going to be able to hold out and not talk to her. NOPE. You will cave. The fact that she was married didn't stop you from having an affair with her. You went against all that you know is right.

TELL HER HUSBAND TODAY. NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I think I made myself clear.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by joey123
Well, I did half of the plan. I told her I can't do this anymore, it's not fair to him, etc. I basically started the no contact phase. I sent an email to her reiterating that we're done and not to contact me, ever. However I guarantee she will break it. I can be good and not break it, but I just don't see her doing it. When she breaks the no contact should I just ignore her, or tell her to stop contacting me?

I have not told her Husband yet. To be honest, I'm still back and forth with that. Part of me thinks it's not my place to tell him. Part of me feels I have already caused enough damage and me telling him will just make things worse. Maybe they have more of a chance at recovery if he knows nothing. I want to be done with it and not be involved anymore. Just break it off and be done. What she chooses to say or not say is up to her. Is that a bad way to go about it? Is it still on me to let him know?

Tell him. I guarantee if you tell him, you won't have to worry about her contacting you anymore. There shouldn't be a doubt in your mind as to what the right thing to do is. Listen, you are talking to a bunch of betrayed spouses, just like her husband. We would want to know. I don't know how it can get anymore obvious than that.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Tell him. Today. He has a right to know. Plus, it will probably help you stay NC. This cannot remain a secret.

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