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Vittoria,
It is not about fear on his part, it is about his immorality.
To clarify, I talked to Char tonight, and she and I discussed how we feel now. She told me she loved me so much that I feel like so overwhelmed. I told her about this site and that I would like her to post here for her own sense of well being. She agreed and we will do this but it will be intermittant becasue she is only here a couple of times per week.
I told her about this one story, and she told me tonight that anyone who would really try to go after a married woman should be kicked totally. (and I will not tell you rest of wwhere or what she said). She is a very morale and very honest person. She is also gentle and vulnerable. It was relief to hear her say that to me from standpoint that I felt I was being too harsh. Of course she told me that I would be like a Clint Eastwood and ride him down. But she just told me calm down and she told me tonight on phone she loved me over again.
So, Joey, what about the wives who are not as strong as my wife is? My wife would have kicked your n*ts off if you approached her. I would have followed up.
Point being, I am age 67 and have my wife. She is still beautiful and sexy to me. Do you need to invade a marriage to find a wife? Where will you be when you are age 67
Vittoria, why are you giving this guy the time of day with your advice? I would love for you to talk with Char in terms if infidelity the harm it causes, and to learn that this guy is most likely playing your mind.
Thanks. Tom, please keep your sitch on your own thread. Really, the first sentence you posted is the only one that is pertinent to this thread. Joey might be a little aggravating in his reluctance to hear what we're saying, but it's his thread.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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As far as I know she does not post here. Something I failed to mention (which I guess gives me hope, or maybe false hope) is her Brother is very supportive of us. She is very close with her Brother and has told him a lot about us. I've never met him, but I have sent him messages on Facebook. This was about a month ago. I basically told him I care a lot about his Sister and I hope he doesn't think bad of me. His response was he supports us and knows she isn't happy and has heard a lot of great things about me. Well, of course her brother knows she's unhappy and he has heard great things about you; after all, that so-called woman (and that's putting it nicely) you love so much "IS" a WW who has to find a way to JUSTIFY this A of yours and hers. Hmmmph, typical WW bullcrap; knock their OWN spouses down and build their cheating counter-parts up "just" to make it look like they have good reason for doing wrong. Yeah, that's a woman worthy of loving...NOT!!! Her parents know I exist. They don't know the extent of us, but they know she has feelings for me. I know, just makes the whole thing even that more messed up when family is supporting her. I know this will open me up to more criticizing, but I want to be as honest with all of you as I can. No, this doesn't open you up to more criticism, Joey, but it sure as heck opens her weirdo family up to some. What a bunch of whacko's! However, good news is...when your lover-girl decides to boink someone other than her H and YOU, hey, at least she'll have her family's support as they stand in the sidelines and cheer her on. Tell me, will you be standing there right along with them as she does so or...? Spill the beans, joey, and save EVERYONE some heartache.
Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15
Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Erica Jong
1942-, American Author
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Hi Maritalbliss,
I fully understand what you are saying and I appreciate that.
Reason that I bring up my own sitch is as an example, and I feel fully confidant in doing that. I've had many people tell me long ago when I was young where do you want to be in ten or twenty years, and they have told me their situations. Those situations made an impression on me.
I'm sorry Marital, but this strikes home to me. I used this as a means of trying to get to this guy regarding the harm that he has caused and the amends that he needs to make. I tried to use this as a real expample. It's just my way and I would not do it any other way, but I feel he is just not interested.
Thanks,
Tom
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Only the fifth post on this thread: It sounds like your girlfriend did what most players do - she lied to you so she could have two people at her beck and call to feed her emotional needs. And it worked.
Like all cheaters, she wanted the security and comfort of marriage *and* all the fun and excitement of dating at the same time. And she got it.
And you did the same thing with her. You sat on the fence and enjoyed having both a marriage and a girlfriend.
Just as a tiny afterthought - what about your Betrayed Wife? Does she know about any of this?
Yes, tell your girlfriend's Betrayed Husband. He has every right to know the truth, just as your BW does. Has this question about your BW ever been answered? I haven't seen it. Even if you can foolishly rationalize away what you're doing to that poor BH, how can you justify not telling your own BW? BXW? Whatever the acronym would be. Make the call. Make both calls. How long are you content being someone's leftovers? How long are you content scraping the dregs of the Immorality Barrel? Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone for a reason. Use it.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Joey, ![[Linked Image from cool-smileys.com]](http://www.cool-smileys.com/images/2094.gif)
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
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Has this question about your BW ever been answered? I haven't seen it. Even if you can foolishly rationalize away what you're doing to that poor BH, how can you justify not telling your own BW? BXW? Whatever the acronym would be. Neak, don't you know that his wife has no need to know anything? She's a mentally unstable psycho, she'll flip and hurt herself if she ever finds out. The destruction of their marriage had absolutely NOTHING to do with his girlfriend, or the blossoming of their relationship into earth shaking love. Joey's marriage was way over before he even thought of talking to his fair maiden the very first time. Sheesh...  [This post requires you turn your Sarcasm Filter to the 'On' position (consult your manual if necessary), Thank you.]
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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OK, it may be bad form to quote yourself, but I feel the need to here. Joey, a while back I posted this to you: There are things in life that define a man's character. I believe this is one of them for you. You are at a fork in your road of life and you can either take the 'hard right', or continue to do the 'easy wrong'. You know what you need to do.
If you continue to shuck and jive out of what you know needs to be done, you will forever just be another POSOM. It saddens me to see you deciding to continue to take that easy wrong. Almost one week ago you started this thread, and titled it "I'm the other guy, feeling horrible, what to do?" on a pro-marriage website. Well many people on here have told you exactly what to do, and yet one week later you haven't done what is neccessary. You have been offered advice from some of the best, most helpful, knowledgeable folks when it comes to recovering a marriage and dealing with infidelity. Quite frankly you were drawing their precious time and energy away from others who truly needed their help only to waste their energies on you. You have refused to follow the guidance. You feel so "horrible" for what you have done, yet you lack the moral fiber to do the right thing to allow all parties concerned to deal with this situation on equal footing. You twist and squirm to justify to yourself why you should NOT tell the truth, but the bottom line is you are covering your own a$$. You know, at first I was angry but now I actually pity you. I really do. How can you look yourself in the mirror and be OK with what you see there? How can you go to sleep each night knowing you possess zero honor, integrity, or moral courage? How can you go through life and look ANYONE else in the eye? Apparently you have no character and also you appear to lack a conscious as well. I feel sorry for you to be this way. Well you continue to shuck and jive so I'm sure you know how I feel about you. Good day to you sir. SoL......Out.
-SOL
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 @ lildoggie Vi -   my bad! Thanks for pointing that out - all this time I thought there was actually some relevance between the onset of his adultery and the destruction of his M. I might have continued to believe that indefinitely if you hadn't enlightened me. *shakes head at own foolishness* LOL   PS for any liars or truth-hiders who might be reading this, repeatedly ignoring a pointed question is the very same thing as jumping up and down and screaming, "YES IT'S TRUE! I DID THAT!!!"
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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It wasn't your place to bang another man's wife. Ummmmmmm did Neak say bang?????
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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 You must be thinking of some other Neak.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Joey, OMG, what is the darn #, even us little girls around here would make the call. Tom, I agree Joey is behaving without morals. I also think he is waffling and making excuses cuz he is afraid of the repercussions.
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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Joey,
What is the story today, have you told the OWH yet?
I found out from my husband's OW's husband that the affair was going on, it stopped that day......It would have kept on going and getting deeper if he hadn't told me....
Joey That way he will have a choice in how he decides to handle things for himself.
He has that right.....
You need to give him that right back....
I'm proud of you for doing the right thing.......you will feel good about this when you look back on your life........
good luck, I know it's tough on you as well......
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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I'm proud of you for doing the right thing....... ????????????? I have yet to see where this BOY is doing the right thing. He'll stay a BOY until he MANS UP to who he is and what he's done.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I'm with PM. To top it off my woe-is-me tolerence is pert near the empty mark...
Talking about doing the right thing means exactly squat at this point.
So I'm taking a line from a recent flick and putting it in plain simple terms.
It's time to nut up or shuddup.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Maybe I'll meet somebody else someday, but it doesn't feel like I will, and at this point that isn't my top priority. However if I do, she will know about this. I have to be honest about everything in future relationships. I wont hide anything. Awesome, Joey! Way to be a real man!! I retract.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Melody Lane,
I apologize to you, I'd thought you were too hard on this guy, but maybe not hard enough! Anyway, I'll zip my lip...I can't believe we're into page 20 and he still hasn't made the calls...
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I often think, and sometimes say, that God needs both Elijahs and Isaiahs. (Guess which one Mel is. )
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I often think, and sometimes say, that God needs both Elijahs and Isaiahs. (Guess which one Mel is. ) Which one had the chain saw? tl
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I think he's gone...... couldn't take being told to do the right thing.... 
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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I feel very sorry for his family, as well as the BH's family.
(PS I'm pretty sure Elijah was the one who needed safety goggles.)
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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