Chris, just to chime in here with the words of this site's founder and marriage expert, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Read the entire article here. In fact, I'd recommend reading just about every article you can find here, starting with the box to the right, labeled "Most Popular Links..."

At this point, she does not want anything to do with me.
She changed rooms if I enter the room, she wont talk to me unless it relates to the kids or me moving out.
Today I am feeling like crap emotionally (from what am I told this emotional roller coaster lasts a while, yesterday I was on top of the world).
She tells me she wants to remain friends but the way I feel I am being treated, i really don't want to be her friend.
I don't understand what she is thinking, nor can I make logical sense of it.
I am asking for help to try and make sense of this, I know it might not be possible but any insight would be appreciated.

Morgan, I suggest you go to the Surviving An Affair forum and read for a while. I also think you might benefit from reading Dr. Harley's articles on Marriage Building and Coping With Infidelity. While it's true that more marriages affected by adultery end in divorce than not, a good one third survive.

And it's important to note that the spouse engaged in an affair is addicted to the affair "high." Thus, it falls to the betrayed spouse to do the initial heavy lifting if the marriage is to be recovered. An alcoholic or drug addict generally will not give up the addiction until it becomes so unbearable that the better choice is to end it.

The betrayed spouse has every right to call it quits and file for divorce. Nobody here would blame one who did.

But this is "Marriage Builders" and the site is about building strong, healthy marriages. Why post here if one is heading directly to the divorce court?

Like many others, I am a betrayed husband. You can tell from my signature that I recently filed for divorce. The difference though, is that I tried to save my marriage. I can walk away from this knowing that I didn't just give up, and in the effort I learned how to recovery myself.

The stories in the SAA forum show how the concepts and methods here work. If a marriage is to be saved, it can start here. And it starts with the betrayed spouse making the decision to work toward that goal.

Chris- How have you come alone with the snooping? Cell phone, phone bills, computer, inside her car, credit card bills, etc.

Have you found anything? Does she have time away from the home that is unaccounted for? Any co-workers you are suspicious of?

Chris, your wife is behaving just like my husband did when he was having an affair. I NEVER thought he could be capable of cheating but he was. Lost weight, worked out, became more interested in work (where he met the OW), leaving the room when I entered. Lot's of private texting going on that I never questioned. In the end, it was my snooping in to his cell phone and email account that got him caught. I suggest you do the same. Like my husband, he seemed to waiver, planning a separation one minute, then planning a vacation with me the next. The whole time, he was having an affair. I often wonder if he had ever been forced to face me with the fact (admiting came long after we separated), if we could have confronted the issue with ALL of the emotions on the table and had different results. Not just his dissatisfaction with me and the feeling of her being his soulmate (affair fog), but also the appropriate guilt, betrayal, and failed responsibilities to his children as the direct result of his infidelity. Facing the fact does bring both sides of the issue to the table. Regardless of how the marriage ends up, having full truth to face can be beneficial in many aspects.

Hi Sidney,
I found nothing when snooping, check cell phone logs, emails, her blackberry. nothing!

WE have spoken since, and she is not in love with me any more and she has been trying to get the feelings back for years and nothing.

At this point I am looking forward to moving out, as I can not afford to keep the house, she will be buying me out, a family member will be moving in with her, to help subsidize the mortgage.
The reason for looking forward to moving out is I am getting tired of the little jabs I been getting from her and they all end with "this confirms I am doing the right thing" (by divorcing you).
I spoke to her today about this and said that this was not appreciated and there is no need for these comments.

Why do I feel that good guys finish last?

We are meeting with the mediator of May 25th for our first visit, as I have never done this before, what do I do, is there anything I need to be aware of?
Help, need advise?

Chris:

I think you have buried your head in the sand a bit. My WW, born-again christian, would never have an affair. I would bet my business, house, kids, life on it. Those were my words in May 2008. Guess what? I would have lost my business, house, kids and life! It can happen to ANYONE... pastors to presidents. You need to snoop my friend! Dig deep! What is the worst thing that could happen? Are you afraid of the truth?

I used the lines here...."you dont know my wife", "I am sure they were just friends". the vets told me otherwise and they were right. I CAN happen to you.

Yup, this sounds A LOT like there's an affair. Oh, and if she "resents" the implication (I take it you've told her about our comments), all the more reason that she may be gaslighting you.

If you haven't told her about MB, then don't. This can be your secret weapon in fighting for your marriage.

Just to be clear, I'd bet you $50 she IS having an affair.

I'll raise $100

Heck, I don't really even gamble but, considering this "scenario," I'd be willing to place a bet simply because I'd have that much confidence in winning.

Of course, I hope there is no affair going on, but...

count me in at $150!

I would like to thank everyone for the input on "She is having an Affair" but can we move on, at this point, I need to focus on other issues.

We are meeting with the mediator of May 25th for our first visit, as I have never done this before, what do I do, is there anything I need to be aware of?
Help, need advise? Any tips tricks? what not to say, what to say?

Update:
At this point I am looking forward to moving out, I think she is suffering from the Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde syndrome. One day she is very amicable and literally the next she is the [censored] from hell. I am having a great deal of difficulty dealing with this. I am trying to remain calm and civil (this is getting hard, last night I started using expressions that I learned as a child ie. you can catch more flies with honey then you can with vinegar!
As we had amicably agreed she keeps the house as I cant afford it (she will be buying me out, we have agreed on the terms) she is know throwing this in my face that since I am moving out, this is her house and I should go sleep in the spare bedroom (up until yesterday we did not have a spare bedroom cause it just finished building a bedroom for my middle daughter) there is no bed in that room, and not all of my daughters stuff is moved to her new room. (yes we have been in the same bed."dont go there the couch is not comfortable, I tried). She then told me then to go pick up the bed that I am buying from the mother-in-law and I have till Sunday to do so. I have a trailer but no vehicle to pull it (just got a new car yesterday, to drop my expenses. it will save me 300 a month in payment and fuel).
What to do, besides tell her to go F$%@ her self
A l

Chris, this is my experience with mediation (in Florida). The mediation is a meeting between both spouses, their lawyers, and a neutral mediator. My attorney met with me beforehand to let me know what to expect. He said, "Don't be nervous about the mediation", but of course I was anyway. He outlined what we would be asking for, asked what points I considered most important, and what points were negotiable. He said the atmosphere is very informal, just a small conference room at the mediator's office, and no need to break out the heels and skirt (or in your case, that would be coat and tie!).

The time estimated for the mediation was 2 hours, and we went about 15 minutes over. My StbXH and I both paid $200 up front for the mediator's fee. After a brief round of introductions, my stbx and his lawyer went to another room, and the mediator went back and forth with the offers and counter offers. This kept both spouses from being at each other's throats, I guess.

Unfortunately, our mediation was ended in an impasse, and then we were on the downhill slide to a high $$$$$$ court case. The mediator said that my stbx was in for a real reality check when he hears the judge deciding the case.

Since I badly needed money, we requested a hearing for temporary relief. That entailed a deposition meeting between both spouses and both attornies, where each attorney could question both parties, and a court reporter recorded a legal transcript of the testimony.

Once again, before the meeting, my attorney met with me to tell me what to expect. I had told my lawyer I wanted to take the high road, and to withhold the most damaging info I had about my stbx, because I didn't want to cause him any more pain and shame. Unfortunately, he and his lawyer decided to go mud bogging on the low road, because his lawyer twisted the testimony to be able to pose damaging and embarrassing questions to me. Since it was a deposition, my lawyer could not make an objection about the testimony. I guess I was nuts to expect fair play from the lying cheating SOB and his sleazy lawyer.

The next day, we all met with a judge in a small conference room, and he was given the transcript, and once again, the lawyers got to cross examine each other's client. When sleazy lawyer tried the dirty tricks again, and my lawyer objected immediately, and the judge sustained it, and that was the end of the dirty tricks.

The judge then made a ruling about temporary support, and ruled that stbx had to continue paying the bills, and had to continue to keep up the life, health and dental and car insurance for all of us. The judge made it pretty fair; actually, it was more in stbx's favor on some points, but stbx was still livid about the ruling.

I know this is a long post, but I figured I'd add in the next possible steps, in case your mediation does not reach a mutual conclusion.

Good luck!

Hey I've been on this site for almost a year (original username/posts lost when system crashed) but I know I'm still learning the MB principles... I'm dying for someone else to ask this, the way they did when I first came here... (knowning 2x4s may be coming my way).

Is there someone else giving you attention/you're interested in? That can make it really hard to want to fix things...

I ask this b/c Chris asks what to do about his wife suddenly wanting out. Only it's not actually that sudden. And he's not interested in finding out if there's an affair (even though many posters say it sounds like their affair story).

Chris, do you want to save your marriage? It sounds like you want to cut your losses and run since she seems so determined rather than trying to find out if there's an affair, confronting her if there is, and working to reintroduce reality into the situation and rebuild your marriage.

That's a great question, DTC2, and although it's already been asked of Chris I'm actually glad you asked it again because his answer(s) in regard to this has always seemed a little...unclear, to me.

And no, I don't mean this as a jab at you in any way Chris, (not by a long shot), I am just trying to state my feelings of SINCERE CONFUSION over what it is you really want. In some of your comments you are asking for advice on how and what to do TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE and yet, in others, you are asking for advice on how and what to do with the MEDIATION/DIVORCE PROCESS. Normally, something like this wouldn't confuse me but, considering you only registered here at MB just DAYS AGO (May 4th); "wow, you've really gone from "wanting one thing to wanting another" (ie: from saving your marriage to "throwing in the towel") in just A MATTER OF DAYS!"

May 4th and May 5th; (wanting help to save your marriage)
May 10th;

Can you understand where my confusion comes from? I mean, you're jumping in "leaps and bounds" here in a matter of, what...approximately a weeks time? That's one heck of a jump, isn't it?

Anyway, if you can clear this up for me I would greatly appreciate it (I don't want to give advice if I'm not even sure what you are actually asking). From what I "think" it is you want (now) is to go ahead with "ending your marriage" and all that is associated with doing so, am I right?

Either way you decide to go, I really do hope the best for you and I hope you find what it is you are looking for.

Good luck.

DaisyTheCat2, I am a systems administrator by career, I have all the passwords for all her email accounts, as anything happens on the home network, I can trace it. And trust me I have traced it. I have verified her Blackberry Logs, for all info in and out and she is clean as a whistle. The only place I cant check is her work.

At this point she is in a Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hide mood, I have been blamed for more crap (I know I am no angel, nor claim to be)however since she has asked for the divorce, i have been walking on egg shells, thinking 3 times before I say things or do things, to try and make things as amicable as possible. I am getting to the point were I am about to blow as I am being told I am playing games, I am not sure what game I am playing but I am sure I will hear about it soon enough.

I have asked about counseling, it a no go, she reminded me of a conversation we had 5 years ago, where she told me she had lost the spark in the relationship. Since then she has been trying to get that spark back.

Right now I want out, as I am not sure how much more of her yelling, bullying, threats. You are correct with those quotes, I did fell that way 9 days ago, but I feel that she is trying to start WWIII, and I dont want to fight. I am sitting at the breaking point.

I did find out my husband had a affair and we did go to counseling and he acted like everything was great as of yesterday in counseling even going as far as to agree to starting church. But, today he packed up and left. And also told me that he just isn't happy.

So even if you try as much as you can, even after you have found out they have had a affair they still might leave. So maybe you just have to accept when they want to leave, you can't make them want you.

I wish you all the best. Good Luck.