|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Not only are you doing the right thing, you are doing a great job with all of it. I know it doesn't feel that way. Believe me. You are taking all of the right steps. It is giving you all of the correct feelings too. You are doing GREAT. Hope everything went okay. I wanted to link a thread for you too. I read it before Plan B and it helped me.  It was started by KaylaAndy What kind of recovery?
Last edited by Scotland; 05/10/10 05:11 PM. Reason: adding thread
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
I'm having serious doubts..... I don't know why this will work with him.....he associates everything with abuse and survival. I'm just going to become a greater enemy and maybe to my children too. They are so happy that he is home. He said he would leave in a few weeks...couldn't I stay I plan a for a little longer? By the time this hearing comes around school will be over.....and he will be gone. I don't know what to think.....not only that I had to plop vdown $2500 retainer.....she said that if I go all the way with this, it could run 10000$-20000.00. No way I can afford that.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
No you cannot stay in Plan A.
Go to Plan B. You know it is right and Plan B will give you PEACE from this turmoil. And you can try to see if your WH can be stuck with your A's fees.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
He's here screaming and yelling at our kids. It was pretty peaceful this past weekend, but now I'm sick to my stomach again. This hurts too much to be around him.....I'm on the edge of tears constantly. This whole process will be so long and draining....I won't ever recover. I cried through the whole process of filling out the application...everytime I got to one of my children's names and where they were born....floods of memories came rushing in and I couldn't stop the tears. Who will I share those memories with when he is the only one that knows these things of our children.
This dragged out divorce will be so painful for me. I don't see how this is going to save my marriage...everything seems to be making it worse.
She said that they will serve the papers on Wednesday or Thursday, but no guarantees about when the hearing will be. Maybe I should go away for the weekend.....I wish I could just drop everything and sail away. How did I get here? I keep asking myself that question. I can't think of anything good to say. I guess i want him to tell me that he will fulfill my requests....it's not going to happen though.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
They wanted to serve him at school in the office, but i said at his vehicle after school. I just can't continue to embarrass him that way. Who knows....maybe he is going to serve me papers??? He is still all scecrets...sitting over there with his computer typing away. He no longer sits in his chair because i would be able to see what he was typing. Now, he sits beside me doing his thing...hiding his computer. There's no guarantee that their phone records will be pulled; I wish. I would love to have that extra evidence.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Oh HE, I am so sorry. This is a roller coaster ride for sure. You are doing the right thing. You will come through this BETTER than you ever imagined. I feel better than I have in a few years and it is thanks to MB. Just work the plans. Have FAITH in your path. Have HOPE for the future. Pray that you are shown the way. Then take the steps, don't question and doubt. You can do this. YOU ARE DOING THIS.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
No. They can serve the papers in the place that will make him regret divorcing you the most.
You do not want him this way. You want YOUR H, not this alien! Embarrassment may seem harsh BUT IT WORKS!
You are doing this! You are STRONG!
DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO SCREAM AT THE KIDS.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
He does not want me and while he's here I'm in a mess. He just left and I wonder where he is and when he'll be back??? Also, how mad is he going to be about being served at work? He's just walking around the house doing his laundry and acting like everything is fine. He even at the dinner that my friend brought to me because of what I'm going through. she brought it for my kids and myself not him!
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
He'll be mad, but that is fine. Don't be upset--if he decides to be a man, the man you want, you can cancel the divorce.
Calm down, and take some deep breaths.
I really, really, think that you need to go to Plan B as soon as possible. You're getting very upset and Plan B will preserve your love for him.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
KR- she has filed to go into plan B. ML is in her court.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
Mind being a little clearer? ML?
Sorry...
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
The lawyer told me about something called discovery, but it's an extra $1000....she said it's where they are given 50 days to turn over all cell phone and email records from him and her. When my mom heard that, she said "add it to the card; I want that"LOL
My mom has had it with him over the years. I think I want to do it as it will give me extra proof if needed.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The lawyer told me about something called discovery, but it's an extra $1000....she said it's where they are given 50 days to turn over all cell phone and email records from him and her. When my mom heard that, she said "add it to the card; I want that"LOL
My mom has had it with him over the years. I think I want to do it as it will give me extra proof if needed. Stick to the plan and be strong, Hope! You are doing great and I am glad you spoke to your mother. When you file, how long will it take to get him out? What did the lawyer say about that? And secondly, it was ok for your H to carry on a WORKPLACE AFFAIR, so it is only appropriate that he be served at WORK in front of the OW. Please do not protect him from this consequence, Kim. Your H desperately needs some consquences now. Not to punish him, but to wake him up. I realise you are scared because you are not used to standing up to him, hope, but please believe this is the right thing to do. You are doing the right thing for your husband, your marriage and your family.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The lawyer told me about something called discovery, but it's an extra $1000....she said it's where they are given 50 days to turn over all cell phone and email records from him and her. Oh, hell yes!!! This will make your case for you. Do it!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
She said that she will push for hearing next week, but there is always a chance that judge could give him extra time...I don't know. I filed under adultry, but she added other things to...like taking advantage of community property...ie the deposit of my check from mortgage.
She said that she understood what I wanted, but to remember that it could always make things worse. i told her..I know , but it's what I want. He will be served on Wednesday or thursday. In the mean time, I've got to find a way to put that phone in his car. He tried to make small talk, but I'm sorry, I could not do that. I just want to cry when I look at him. I told her I wanted child support, to stay in house, to get him out, and I wanted more than half of the community property. I have another meeting with her on Friday.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
hope, press her on influencing the judge in getting him out by telling him that your H's behavior is so abusive and erratic that it causing emotional distress. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and he says that women can only endure about 3-4 weeks of this before they start suffering serious psychological and physical ramifications. In your case, you have already lost 50 pounds and are crying around him. You need some relief. NOW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS.
The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover." Dr Willard Harley credentials
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
Thanks for the article...it was very informative. The anxiety is right on and I already see the stress in my children. I'm hoping my parents coming will reduce some of that for me. I'm also getting nervous about the money all ready. I'm truly scared, but I guess it's out of my hands. I worry about my children hating me over the divorce....after all, I'm the one filing.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
215
guests, and
66
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,616
Posts2,323,460
Members71,895
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
