Oh.....sorry for the t/j Mymissy....I thought scotty was talking to me....It did cheer you up a little though, didnt it?

Well after 3+ weeks of not hearing from WH I received an email today.

"FYI: I got the kids moved to their apartment so I am officially done with the SUV for awhile. However, the oil life is on 30% I can switch with you now or we can wait until its next service. Or we don't have to switch at all. if you want to switch back have your brother let me know. If I don't hear from you or him I will assume you want me to keep it until after its next service. Thanks!"


I want so badly to email back - How can you be so callus, unfeeling, and simply "throw" me away??? How and why???
Now I can't seem to turn off the tears.

So I have a question - I know I am in a dark plan B (sort of, I get the occasional email from WH).
How long do I stay there? Knowing that he has gone forward with the dissolution and continues the A; do I stay in plan B until I go to court and then forever?
I am not seeing any signs of A ending.
I did speak with DstepD today and she told me that WH asks about me every time she sees him.
I don't get it, if he is concerned about me why not ask himself?
Has this become a battle of wills, he continues his A and sees how long until one of us breaks in terms of any contact?
I am starting to think he really doesn't care, but then why ask DD how I am.
Very confused and conflicted....

Missy, if you remember Queenie's WH now FWH was gone for TWO YEARS. You're way early into Plan B to be thinking about ditching it yet.

Missy,

Plan B is not designed to do anything to end the affair. It is designed to let you learn to live again and survive until the affair ends.

And it will end in all probability...

95% of affairs implode all by themselves within two years.

So Plan B gives you time to get through withdrawal from him, learn to be a whole person again and salvage enough of what is left in his account in your Love Bank so that you don't hate him by the time that happens.

A dark Plan B sometimes hastens the demise of the affair by stopping the meeting of any ENs that you might be meeting for him. Usually an affair partner only is able to meet a portion of the ENs that a WS requires and unless the AP turns out to be one of those rare people who can adapt quite rapidly, the PEA rush wears off in a year or so and the incompatibility shows itself and Love Busting starts taking it's toll until the "relationship" simply dies a natural death.

Affairs end for the same reasons that they are possible. Two selfish, self absorbed, self-centered people seldom end up with a sustainable relationship. The reasons to have an affair are selfish reasons and the affair partners can't really provide what each other needs long term. Coupled with the fact that there is no history together, which at first draws them together, means that they really have not very much invested in each other or a relationship with each other. The less that is invested, the less likely it is that the relationship can last.

So that's the technical side of it...

Plan B is for YOU, Missy. It is so that YOU can have some sort of life that is not defined by his waywardness and the drama that follows from that. It gives YOU the chance to create some peace, some personal space and start to find some joy in life once more.

There is not a lot of point in trying to figure out what he is doing since none of it makes any sense anyway. If he was doing what made sense, he would be with you right now trying to show you how much you mean to him. The thing is, a wayward spouse only considers their own selfish desires which change like the winds... He is an addict, Missy. All that means anything to him at all is his next fix. He'll get it from you if you give it to him. If you cut him out of your life entirely, he will have to get everything from his AP. She's not nearly as equipped to provide that as you are so in time he will realize that.

Then the only question will be if you have enough love left for him to do the really hard work of recovery or if you will have decided that it is time to move on yourself without him. In a couple of years you can make a rational decision about that because it will give you enough time to stop reacting to the constant pain of his hurtful behavior.

Either way, if he returns or not, Plan B lets you become stronger, more sure of what you want and what you need and allows you to heal enough that you won't be deciding our of desperation.

Mark

MM


[[[[[[[MyMissy]]]]]]]

All I got to say-I think Mark said it all

Nesre

Thanks so very much Mark and Nesre, you have no idea how much it helps to have things "spelled" out for me.
I have always considered myself intelligent, able to find the positive aspect, and always able to "figure" it out.
This has really thrown me, the bad things seemed to keep happening, and I just can't seem to get my feet under me.

Now I am bringing myself back to the spirituality I believe in and have found comfort in the fact that everything happens for a reason.

I have received 4 job offers and 1 has the potential for limitless growth. I am probably taking that one. It means a much longer drive to work but the big picture is worth it.
Had the "bad" stuff not happened, well then this job wouldn't be happening either.
So that is the positive.

I guess I just keep trying to understand and figure it out; maybe I am not supposed to understand but have faith.
That has been so hard to do. Overall I wanted instant results; I think I really secretly hoped that a short plan A would have ended the A. When that didn't happen, I thought a short plan B would do the same.
I also realize that I am emotionally in a much better place now than if I had continued to live under the same roof; I can now breathe.

I keep forgetting (probably on purpose) that plan B is for ME. No one else but ME. I have so wanted for him to beg for my forgiveness and reclaim my life, that I have not really worked on personal recovery. But thank you for reminding me. I guess I just am unsure if I can wait 2 years. I keep saying - one day at time - but I am obviously not living it.

Thanks Mark for reminding what plan B is truly for. Again many people on here have said it, but I am not sure I heard it. It is still so hard.

I don't know if anyone saw the Dr. Phil show on Thurs. but he had Cindy Shackleford and Jenny Sanford on. You hear it on this board all the time, but to see it as well - well I am still in amazement that Waywards all sound the same.
That the same alien has invaded all of them

Something changed today and I am starting to look at my life from only my perspective; not how it may or may not impact WH.

I hope that anyone new on here may read this and learn from it.

Thanks again, I need to hear this message often!!!!

Missy,

Faith is believing what you know is true, even when you can't see it or feel it...

Mark

MM




You are starting to heal. Hang onto that thought.

Nesre

I have to keep re-reading Mark's post to remind myself daily of what I am doing and why.
I think that I (and probably many other newly BS) are so desperate to believe that Plan A and B will provide instant results to ending the A and restoring the M. That no matter how much of Dr. Harley's material I have read that I still wanted those instant results.
It has been so hard to digest and force myself to constantly get the kick in the pants to remember what Plan B is about.
So I am forcing myself back to one day at a time and attempting to put MY life back together; whatever that means.
Thanks again Mark.

Well, after much deliberation and worry; I have accepted a new job today. It will be a much - much longer commute, and the money is the same as I was making. But the potential for growth is limitless and it is a management position. I will be half patient care and half management.
It does bring me geographically closer to my family. And down the road I am planning on moving in that direction.
This is the YEAH break I have needed for 2010.
Thanks for everyone's support.

stealing a line from Mark...

Faith is believing what you know is true, even when you can't see it or feel it...

I found that when I stopped trying to control the situation that is when everything started to work for me-- mentally, spiritually and financially.

This is great news about the job. New responsibilities, new start, new people. All good on your own personal recovery.

You need to take care of yourself first. You cannot stop the alienation of your wayward. He has to come to his own demise and we can no longer save them.

Blessings.

Thanks for that Hope, I am trying to take care of myself.
I have started posting to others, but I am finding that it is easier giving the advice that I have been given versus following it myself.

I am still sad and in shock that the course of events that have happened in my life and happened so quickly.
BUT, I am trying to focus on the future and I am tentatively putting half a foot in front of the other. Although sometimes it feels as though I am only reluctantly doing so.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, I don't understand the reason for any of this, but I remain hopeful down the road that understanding will come to me. I also remain hopeful that in time WH will come to his senses as well, for now I continue to slowly move forward with my life.

Today was an excellent start for that.
I am actually excited and am anticipating the start of a new career journey.

I have not felt that way since 12/30/09. So, YEAH for that.

We are all in this together.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I am working on rebuilding my life according to what I want. For the last 12 years I built a life according to what WH wanted.
I have not given up that somewhere down the road the A will end and WH will want to recover. But I have decided that if that happens I will cross that bridge then. For now all the plans that I am making revolve around me. If R becomes a possibility then WH will have to come to me.

Of course as I posted earlier today on NP thread, I am struggling with desperately wanting to hear WH voice.
So I think I will go shopping and leave my phone at home.

So, tonight I still continue to struggle with overwhelming sadness and loneliness. I think "I can't do this"!
But what choice was I given I am being forced to go through this. I seem to be struggling with anger, resentment, and grief.
It all is so unfair. And I am afraid....
Even the exciting new job seems to pale in comparison. I feel like I have to force - really, really force myself to put one foot in front of the other.
But again, what other choice is there.
I am so tired of triggers and tears.

Congratulations on the new job!!! Might be nice to have a distraction to keep your mind off the Wayward. When do you start?

June 1, so I actually have much to do before then. Hopefully all of it will be a BIG distraction.
The new job will be a challenge, something that I can immerse myself in and concentrate on that. YEAH