But I see there is another one? Ok what Mel aid is absolutly what I would have said so I just ditto her reply.


I don't know why you are letting yourself be treated this way but I suggest some counseling for what seems to be something that will really hurt you in the long run.

Why won't you fight for yourself? You are worth that aren't you?

L46, I have to agree with Mulan. The message you are sending to us and to your wife is that you care more about avoiding conflict than you do your marriage. I don't see any indication that you care because you won't fight for your marriage.

Nor does your IC have the slightest idea how to save marriages. She is harming your marriage.

I have not avoided the conflict. We have had some very hard discussions about the texting over the past three weeks. Extremely intense conversations. The boundaries are set to limit the interaction to friendship. I totally agree with you all this is a risk to my M. However, you have not given me direction:

1) do I move out? I'm thinking this is a resounding no.
2) ask her to move out or toss her out for texting?
3) continue to meet her ENs and watch for something more to develop.
Or another: continue to confront her again and again as I have been? I can tell you that is not helping my situation.

She is not dating, unless you consider the texting as such, which I tend to also, minus the physical presence. She may be testing herself. She may be testing me. I am quite sure she is not testing me to see how far I will allow this to go.

I agree we may be headed for A2, and if so then she is out. She knows this. She also knows I am fighting for our M.

L46, I don't believe she knows any such thing. I don't believe she thinks you will do anything to stop her....because you haven't.

If i were you, I would have a rational discussion about recovery. Make up a list of what it will take to recover your marriage. Go read the thread about extraordinary precautions. Present her this list. Tell her that your boundary is that she have NO CONTACT with members of the opposite sex outside of your marriage and ask her to end her INAPPROPRIATE relationship wiht this man TODAY. TODAY.

Then follow this up with a plan of RECOVERY. Show her the basic concepts of Marriage Builders and tell her this is what it will take to recover your marriage.

Propose that you sign up for the Marriage Builders online program. I think that would be ideal for you because you have a very hard time with boudaries. Between your assigned MB coach and Dr Harley, THEY can persuade and sell her on the prospect of using this program. They can do the heavy lifting, because I really don't think you can.

And if she won't do those things, I would prepare to go into Plan B.

"dear, I am sorry I have given you the impression that it is ok with me that you have friendships with men. It is not. I would like to correct that misimpression right now and ask you end all contact with Joe. It was your friendship with men that led to your affair and I see this happening again. This is destroying my trust for you and causing me great anxiety.

In order for our marriage to recover and in order for me to regain trust, certain things have to happen.

[add as you see fit]

1. no opposite sex friendships
2. no overnight travel apart
3. complete transparency in cell phones, email, etc
4. knowledge of each others whereabouts at all times
5. all leisure time spent together
6. enroll in Marriage Builders and follow the program

This is what it will take to recover our marriage. This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. I would be willing to stay in the marriage and forgive you for your affair, if you will do what it takes to recover our marriage."

One important thing about the subject of "trust." Trust is something that is earned by engaging in trustworthy behavior. Your wife is under the impression that trust is an entitlement and that she is entitled to be trusted when she engages in untrustworthy behavior. That makes no sense.

She should only be trusted ......................as long as she demonstrates trustworthy behavior. There is nothing trustworthy about having friendships with men or going on trips alone or demanding secrecy. That is untrustworthy behavior.

It was blind trust that led to her affair in the first place and it is too much trust that has you headed for the next affair. Blind trust has no place in marriage, it just leads to affairs.

It's like you wrote that for me. I'm not quite in this situation and I haven't posted everything regarding my H and his fog but you unknowingly helped me a lot. Thank you ML.