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lildoggie is highly highly intelligent. Only intelligent people love puns....at least that's what I tell DH when he rolls his eyes over mine.....

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Puns?

Lis(z)t
/
Chopin
\
Mozart
/

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Originally Posted By: TandC


Lildoggie, you and your jokes should come with a warning;

WARNING: Do not read lildoggie's jokes unless you have a strong bladder, otherwise...you might just piddle yourself from all the laughter.

Oh man, your jokes are an accident waiting to happen, lol.

you shouldnt encourage me you know cool


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rotflmao OMG, those were hilarious....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.

My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that didn't belong to us."


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Toaster Request

When my son was two or three and learning the ways of American life, he watched me place some bread in both slots of our toaster so that it would be ready to cook just before serving.

Considering the opportunity, he pulled a chair to the counter and politely asked, "Mommy, may I flush the toaster?"


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A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

today'sTHOT============================

A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

=======================================


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Quote:
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.


Heck yes, that's me. I had to find the instruction manual for the cordless phone just so I could make it ring. Why do manufacturers have to make everything so difficult? It's like they want to mess with our heads.

And apparently my cordless phones will transfer calls to each other, it only takes about 6 button pushes and a degree in some sort of telephone science.

And why do they have to give everything such stupid names? bluebooks i-berrys blacktooths and The Lord only knows what they will come up with next!

I am becoming more and more sure that the main reason these companies are making cordless wireless products is so we don't throttle them with the cords. Thankfully we can still give them a darn good beating with the uncorded junk that they have foisted on us.

Beat the blighters with their own product, that will teach them to confuse me, I'm old they should know better than to confuse an old man. barr fooowey.


Last edited by Flick; 05/16/10 02:41 AM. Reason: Bad spelling and the tone controll was in the wrong position

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lil, you are hysterical, those were great... rotflmao


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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We are just old, flick....the youngins dont have as much trouble as we do....heck my DS8 can figure out the stuff better than me...When DS was 4 we got a new computer and H and I were reading how to get online....in the meantime DS was already surfing the web.:)


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
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Originally Posted By: lildoggie
bought a great new toilet seat recently.

On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."



rotflmao


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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think Wait a minute, i'm lost, how did I get here.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Posts: 4,698
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SPAM-O-GRAM
By W. Bruce Cameron

I am pleased to announce that I have recently received an offer via e-mail to transfer $25,589,000 directly into my bank accountI'm rich!

I have no idea why I, among the millions and millions of e-mail users, was singled out for such lavish treatment, but I assure you, I will not be selfishonce I have the money, I plan to share it, generously spending it on highly visible luxury automobiles and enormous yachts so everyone can see my wealth and enjoy it.

Lest you doubt the veracity of this deal, allow me to quote verbatim from the e-mail in question:

Dear Sir: I am most unfortunate to thinking you may not suspect me as real for we do not now know or been introduced, but allow me to say I am Song Lou. I work for Heng Suck Banq, Ltd, and have the proposition for you of transferring $25.589 million USD directly to your bank account which will be of mutual benefit to you once we have established cordial cooperation and modality. Please GET BACK TO ME ASAP....Song Lou

Here's how I know this is legitimate: (a) the dollar amount is very specificI'd be suspicious of a rounded off figure; (b) he works for a Suck BankI'm a customer of a Service Sucks Bank, which is probably a subsidiary; and (c) he needs me to GET BACK TO him ASAPlegitimate business people are always in a big hurry. I responded to his e-mail the day I got it:

Dear Mr. Lou: So delightfully I am partaking of your recent e-mail! I would most cooperatively accept your transfer of $25.589 million because that's exactly how much I need! With much insomnia I beg for your response....W. Bruce Cameron

He wrote right back!

Dear W: My associates are speaking most excitedly on this matter. We are requiring only of some informational proceedings for rapid facilitation of transfer. Please to forward bank account name, number, routing, and phone for reaching....Song Lou

Great! I decided I just needed a little bit more informational proceeding myself and I'd be good to go.

Dear Song: Most unctuous and florid greetings upon your eyebrows. My concerning is for how the transfer is working. Would you please snorkel your immediate describings of the next notes in the opera? Yours in lasagna....W.

Dear W: Some puzzlement has befuddled us during your last communications. However, we are confident with you as our partner in business for $25.589 million and can lay the goodness of an additional $10 million USD. However URGENT for response with banking informational details preceedingly requested. Yours truly....Song Lou

Dear Song Sung Lou: Blessings upon you and your puppies. I have spoken with high regard to all my appliances of your keen business skills and shavings. Though much of my lust is bestirred by the $10 million, I am requisite of a total of $50 million and am inquiring of any possibility you and your associates may emerge from their medications with this additional transfer. Also, through the subscriptions of their loins my parents have blessed me with a sister through all perplexity, and she, too, would be willing for a limited time only to accept a $50-million transfer.

Dear W.: Though our history suggests you can be trusted with our worthiness, many among us are suspect of you unseriously misdirecting our associations. Please be aware of our availability to the $50 million only if you can be convincing of your honesty! We have no wasting time! Yes, your sister please also bank information with 24 hours for transferring or we will be withdrawn to other matters. Yours truly....Song

Dear Song: All of my follicles are emerging from the dark winter of their trousers and turning their taste buds to your luscious wrists! Most joyously do I face the soup of your embalming of my sister. My beamings are upon all of the Suck companies, with wishes for continued integrity at every turn of the pipe. Yours most impeded....Bruce

They never wrote back, but I'm sure the transfer is coming soon!


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rotflmao

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Today's THORT============================

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


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With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.


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It's been a while since I posted anything here...

TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Ford Pinto with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.


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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny. But she couldn't have been right - everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken - pork and beef and fish too.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...


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