Hello Everyone:

I need to get others input again. My husband and I are in counseling because of no sex in our marriage.

Question: My husband says there is not a problem (medical, psychology or addiction). If this is true, I don't understand why we having so much trouble with sexual fullfilment which is really important to me. I am really confused and I don't know how to approach this. Can someone give me a little guidance?

Background:

My husband has over the past few years been watching porn and chatting online. The sex in our marriage for the past 3 years had gone nonexistant. And when I initiate it, he always turn me down. And prior to these 3 years, we had sex maybe 1-3 times per month. I have always talked with him about the frequency of sexual fullfilment in our marriage. He said it was because he didn't need it.

We started counseling in March of 2010 and are still in counseling. It took us to April 2010 for him to admit (after I showed him proof) that he was watching porn movies online and masturbating daily to it, sending emails to women online and requesting pictures from women online. So the counselor told him to stop looking at porn and chatting online and requesting nude pictures of women. My husband has so far not looked at any porn or done any chatting on line since then (I am going off of his word).

The counselor is convinced that my husband is not having a physicial affair.

So, the therapist wanted us to start having sex again regularly. We have been working on this. So far we have had sex about 5 times since we started counseling.

Also, he appears to have a hard time initiating sex but when we talk about it and the techniques the therapist suggests, he is not doing them. It is as if he doesn't hear any of the suggestions that the counselor is telling us. My husband says that he doesn't have any issues (medical, psychological or addictive). All of his medical test were fine. There is no sexual abuse from his past. However, he did have a alcoholic dad who was abusive to his mother. And his mother was neglectful to him and his siblings.

He can go weeks without touching me or inititating sex with me. He will only try to initiate after I discuss with him that we are not engaging in sex (this is a technicque the counselor asked us to try. If we go a week without sex and intimacy, I need to bring it up and see what has prevented us). My husband is afraid of us divorcing. He says doesn't want to loose me.

Again, I feel as if I don't know how to approach this in our session. If my husband says there is not a problem, then why are we having so much trouble with sexual fullfilment which is really important to me. I am really confused and I don't know how to approach this. Can someone give me a little guidance? Are there any questions that I need to ask?

registest,

First off i thought i would let you know that weekends are really slow around here.

Secondly your H most definitely was (and more than likely probably still is) having at the very least an EA (emotional affair) with these women who he received pictures from because they are meeting his EN for SF (sexual fulfillment) by his masturbation. And because of that IMHO it was/is a PA (physical affair).

And also i hate to tell you but your H will lie, lie, and lie some more to get his fix for this porn and these other women.

You need to snoop big time and verify his whereabouts on the computer and off, he needs to be like an open book to you and he most DEFINITELY needs to never contact any of these women or any others again for ever.

He needs to send a NC letter that you approve of to all of them so that they do not contact him either.

This sounds like you should also notify the moderators to move your post to "Surviving an Affair"

I am sorry you are going through this......

SC has given you some very good advice. Definitely be checking up on him. My DH does not look at porn or anything, but we have always had sort of a "reverse mismatch" with regard to SF too - me needing a lot and him not really needing it, so I can feel your pain. The weekends are slow, but there will be people around more as it gets closer to Monday. In the meantime, read some of the materials on here. One thing to remember -- your need for SF is a legitimate need that need not be contingent on your own perfection. SF is an integral part of marriage. I know for a long time I felt I was "weird" or that I needed to "earn" SF. That simply isn't true.

quick t/j luri, i see there is a is a cake beside your name. Does that mean a is in order?

end t/j

Yes! Thanks!

How old is your husband? Is he overweight? Did he have TESTOSTERONE levels checked? Is he, by chance, taking Propecia or something to keep his hair?

I know alot of people think they have been checked out 'medically' but often, these things are overlooked.

Hello everyone:

Thank you for your response.

Justfigureditout: My husband is in his midforties. Yes, he had his testosterone levels checked. And they were normal. He is not taking any medication now except for Viagra. Our marriage therapist told him to get Viagra because he believes my husband is having performance anxiety the reason why he has an aversion to sex.

Still_crazy: I had stopped snopping because I was just tired. I felt I was obsessed especially when he denies doing anything. So, I did take your advice and decided to snop today. And I discovered where he had searched this week for nude pictures. Also, he has went on some website where he could rate pictures of women.

I just don't know what to do. How can my husband and I get past this and build our marriage when he is lying about what is going on?

Thanks everyone again for your responses.

reg, why can't you initiate sex? Have you tried? Have you learned to initiate sex? If you initiate, what does he do?

By initiating I DO NOT MEAN LETTING HIM KNOW YOU HAVE NOT HAD SEX IN A WHILE...THAT IS A TURN OFF FOR A GUY. (I found out) There are 1000 ways you can learn to initiate sex. If you learn to initiate sex, and actually initiate sex three times a week, then this may solve part of your problem.

According to the OP, when she initiates he turns her down.

Bubbles is right in that the "how" of initiation is important. I have actually taken my cue from what I have heard women say. I don't spring it on him. I get snuggly, I flirt some, I "warn" him that I am wanting him. That way when bed time comes he has had time to think about it. It doesn't always work, and I am not as good about it as I should be - I confess "fear" gets the better of me at times. But using a slow warm up approach may work for your H.

Hi Bubbles: Yes, I do inititate sex. I inititate it all the time. When I inititate sex with my husband, he turns me down each and every time.

Let me add, this is why I decided to go to counseling. I was tired of inititating sex and getting rejected all the time. I felt that I was living for years in a role reversal where I pursued my husband and he never pursued me. We've been married about 9 years.

I went thru this and solved the problem with my husband.

1. Are you attractive (not overweight, etc)

2. How exactly do you initiate sex

3. How exactly does he turn you down

This will help us try and help you. You can solve this just like I did.

sounds like he is more clever and hiding that he is engaged in heavy porno along with Masterbation here....I would go look up the snooping threads over in the other forum here...surviving an affair....hook up computer monitor him (don't tell him) also his phone or PDA you can get all kinds of porno that way too...he is having sex....just not with you...it's not how you look...infact this kind of addiction has nothing to do with you it's all about him and the porn addiction.

Think logically here....if he was doing it before and still is never interested in sex with you he hasn't stopped the porno or masterbation...it's logical...he is lying to you & your counselor.

You need to catch him and prove it...expose it...and then get him to agree to transparency in your marriage...he is having affairs online chatting up these women requesting nude photos....I think you should click the button to notify the mods to move your thread to the other forum...people there are experts on this stuff and can help you.

Bubbles4U: Thanks I would love to hear about the things that you have tried. Also, I'll answer your questions: 1. I am attractive. And he says that he finds me attractive. I have gained weight. Also, I am trying to loose this. He says the extra pounds do not matter. I was concerned about this a lot. And I don't know if he is lying to not hurt my feelings 2. With initiating, at first, I would flirt, wink my eyes at him in the morning, rub his shoulders before bed, wore lingere alot to bed. Also, I had started gently rubbing him between his....(don't want to get graphic).... to let him know that I was ready. 3. He turns me down by ignoring me especially if I am in lingere, saying he is tired, or telling me not tonight and not interested.

So fire away.....I would love to know how I could ingitate better because I know I need improvement. Or find out if it is something that I am doing that is turning him off.
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Gemstone: Thanks! I talked with him again today about his internet use. He assured me that he has not looked at any pictures of women. But, when I checked his search history I found where he specifically searched for nude pictures of.....
and the history where he went to vote online the nude pictures of women.

I printed all of these out. i don't know what else to do. He lied in my face and said he hasn't been looking online at other women's picture. I don't know if I need to show him the print screen shots of the search history or what. I feel as if I don't have a good way of monitoring his internet usage.

I just feel it is something wrong with me. That there is a need that I am not filling for him. How long do I fight for my marriage when my DH is still into his old habits? I told him I want to support him and help him but he has to be honest with me and put everything on the table.

Thanks everyone!

First have the sex talk.

You speak to him about sex, do not do this in or near the bedroom. After dinner sit down away from kids or whatever and talk to him about the frequency each of you prefers. He might like sex once a month. You might like sex every few days.

Once you determine the frequency, then compromise like having sex once a week. He has to agree to the compromise. Ask for his advice in how you will have sex once weekly, like let him pick the day the time, etc.

Then, you have to hold him to it. If he fails to do the agreed upon sex, then you have to do STEP 2, but try that first.

If you can get regular sex going again then you can graduate to a good sex life.

Exactly how is this advice in line with MB?

Is your husband in love with you? (Geez, I sound like Melody Lane! LOL)

If your husband IS in love with you, then you should probably POJA to come up with a solution that works for both of you, and if your husband cannot enthusiastically agree, then keep trying until you can find something that may work, and try it.

If your husband is NOT in love with you, then use the tools ofthe MB program to help you learn why he is NOT in love with you, such as the LB and EN questionairres. And use that information to more adequately fill his love bank to the point that he IS in love with you. Then POJA a solution that is adequate for both and that you both can enthusiastically agree to.

Am I missing something, vets?

I just reread a bit more. I personally doubt there is anything "wrong" with you. You are probably not perfect, and you are probably not meeting his EN in the way that would best create romantic love. But that doesn't make you uniquely "bad" or anything. Most of us have very little clue what our spouse's EN when we get here. And we really have not clue what kind of LBs we do!

I think the porn, lying and hiding are very problematic as well.

There's your side of the street, and his. You can't do much about his side of the street, except to ask him to clean it up and hope that he does, and protect yourself and your love bank with boundaries. What you can do is clean up your side of the street, and the folks here are very good at getting us started on that path. We can't do anything about him or his behavior, because he is not here.

Think, what i said was POJA. You cannot understand it since I did not use words like POJA that you can understand. Look deeper and you will see the POJA and what worked for myself in my marriage. When the poster tries the idea, and if it succeeds, then great, she will thank me. If it fails then I have more, much more.

Think, maybe you are right I better spell it out.

OH (openness and honesty) Sharing about sex and how much each of you want to have sex...Something you may never have shared in a nice way...before.

EN (Emotional Needs) Talk together about sex, an emotional need.

POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) Talk together about a nice compromise so both spouses are happy. Talk to each other about how to accomplish this comrpromise.

A strict POJA says that if one person does not want sex and one does want it then no one gets it., In this case we do not want to use the strict POJA.

Based on what I have learned here, there is no such thing as a "strict" POJA. The POJA is the "opposite" of compromise. The whole thing that makes POJA work is that we do not require our spouse to do ANYTHING which they cannot do enthusiastically, therefore preventing massdive love bank withdrawls. Additionally, we are protecting ourselves from massive love bank withdralws that come from the resentment that builds up from having to sacrifice.

Compromise is mutual sacrifice and bound to result in resentment and loss of romantic love. This is EXACTLY what POJA is designed to prevent, and it is one of the many aspects of Marriage Builders that is so different than what people get in traditional marriage counseling.

Yes, if both spouses cannot come to an agreement using POJA, that means they do nothing until they DO come to enthusiastic agreement.

Often if they can't come to enthusiastic agreement, it is because there are deeper problems. And in this case, it's pretty obvious that there are some deeper issues which need to be adressed, on the part of both parties. Sadly, only one party is here, so we can only work with her side of it.

I agree with the other stuff you said about O&H, talking about EN, etc. But compromise, especially in a situation in which there is not a large reserve of romantic love in the 'ole love bank, is extremely dangerous to marriages and is not the MB approach, in my opinion.

Then again, I'm still rather new around here, so maybe a long-timer could set me straight.