Hello and welcome to MB, noanswers, glad (yet also sorry/sad) to have you here.
Weekends around here are rather slow so please don't feel ignored if the answers you are looking for don't come fast enough (you may not get many responses until, maybe, tomorrow afternoon or something like that).
I am sorry for what you are going through, what an awful position to be in. However, you have definitely come to the right place to find support, advice, encouragement, etc to help you get through this, regardless, so being here is most certainly a step in the right direction for you.
Flash forward learned WH has been using a dating service for yrs, "when he felt lonely" and now has had an A. Thinks it is all my fault. Says it was stupid but not sorry.
First of all, you are NOT to blame for this A of his. Partners in marriage share 50% responsibility (each) in a marriage but, when one "CHOOSES" to have an A, that person (and that person ALONE) is solely (100%) responsible for making that choice...no one else is to blame for making that decision for them. Don't let him convince you otherwise, no matter how hard he tries to do so (and believe me...he "WILL").
As for him not saying he is sorry, this is simply because he doesn't want to accept any blame for his wrong-doing; (ie: if he says sorry, that's pretty much the same as accepting that he has, indeed, done something wrong, and right now, it is apparent that taking ANY blame for his actions is the last thing he wants to do). This non-sorry baloney is just another, often used, WW action...don't let it consume you. HE "knows" he has done/is doing wrong, but with his mind so haywire right now, no way is he going to allow himself to believe it. Be prepared, the blame shifting will likely continue for quite some time and, unfortunately, chances are that you, yourself, will be his number one target.
He actually said he was like David in the bible, withholding love from his wife because my weight gain was me disrespecting him!!!!
WW's (waywards) lie and they will use ANY excuse they can find to "justify" an A. This is very typical of WW's; they don't want to take the blame for their own mistakes so they say/do anything to "shift the blame" onto someone else (that usually being their spouse). As sad as that sounds, it's also true. Excuses, excuses, excuses = justification for cheating (in a WW's "fogged-out" mind).
Begged him to talk to DD explained that counselor said he must to help her understand its not her fault. He said he wasnt going to explain himself to anybody, esp not a kid. She is 15! Said maybe when she is 30 she will understand. I replied so she just cries herself to sleep till shes 30 and re said I dont have to explain myself to ANYONE.
Do you just have the one child or...? Is this child one that you "produced" together (ie: you are both her biological parents)? Also, is this marriage the first marriage for the both of you or have either of you been married before?
Hmmm, you say your WH has hardly spoken to DD in months; does she live in a different home or something or do you mean he basically just ignores her as everyone goes about their daily routines under ONE ROOF? Either way, I find that more that just a little sad, I can only imagine your DD must feel incredibly neglected by him. Needless to say, I am very sorry for your DD, too (poor girl).
A few more questions for you:
- Who all knows about your WH's A? Have you exposed it to anyone yet or is it still "under wraps?" Does your DD even know???
- When did you first learn about this A and "how" did you find out about it?
- Do you (personally) know who this OW is (name, workplace, family members, etc)?
- Do you know if your WH has had any A's previous to this one? Considering he has been using a dating site for years...I can't help but wonder. It could be something he HAS done before unbeknowst to you.
He is forfeting his family and life as he knows it for hope that she will change her mind or her husband will die (actually wrote that in email to her)so they can be together..
Wow, I find that last part of what your WH wrote (re OW's H dying) VERY UNSETTLING!!! Please pardon my bluntness but...does your H have any history of violence that you are aware of? Any troubles with the law, etc? I must admit, "hoping" for someone "to die" is extremely disturbing, in the least.
If I were you (and I can't stress this enough) I would be "saving" everything I find/see as evidence and secretly hiding it away (from your WH) "just in case." It's a good idea to do this, anyway, if only to protect you and your DD (in general, I mean).
As of RIGHT NOW, do everything you possibly can to gather together any and all evidence of your WH's A (and I do mean everything); cell phone records, computer conversations, receipts for "strange" things (and so on). Open up a new email account (one that only YOU can access) that you can use as your SECRET account for saving some particulars (ie: things that can be saved on a computer) and, for "evidence" that cannot be saved to a computer, find a place to store that where your WH would "NEVER" think to look (ie: a trusted family member/friend [of YOURS] house, perhaps).
Okay, I don't want to "overload" you with info all at once so I'm going to bring this to a close right now. However, do please come back and let us know "what's up" so that we can assist you further.
As tough as a spot you are in at the moment, be glad that you are here (at MB), as you won't find a better place to be.
Lastly, and I hate to even ask this but...
do you feel SAFE in your home at this time?
All the best to you, dear.
Sorry so very long winded, feel better just having typed this. Thanks for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anytime, hon, that is what we are here for. :-)
Oh, and you will want to do one thing immediately;
Have the mods here at MB move your thread (posts) from this board (divorcing/divorced) to the SAA (Surviving An Affair) board asap. To do this, just look down at the lower area of your own posts and you will see a "notify" button. Click on this button and, when you get to the screen where you do your typing, just write in something like "please move this thread to the SAA board, please" and then submit your request. Once the mods receive your request they will move it to the SAA board where you will receive all that much more help from those who have loads of experience with what you are going through.
Actually, once you read my comment here, submitting "that" request (to move your thread to the SAA board) is the very first thing I would do if I were you.