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#2374319 05/16/10 07:54 AM
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Wow-I still cant believe Im here.
24yrs of giving and now this.
I gave way to much and expected nothing and so I got nothing. I can see it so clearly now.

Short summary...Married 24yrs, strong committed, great life. WH slowly began checking out of our lives, staying home from sports and school events, always burdened with $, etc. WH is NOT a communicator, tried to get him to talk or even argue for yrs and nothing. Slowly DD and I had our lives w/in our family, WH was a part when he chose to be. But all things considered we where a strong family unit I thought.

I was feeding my emotions from his rejection for yrs. 18months ago I went to a counselor to discuss my emotional eating. Got healthy and began looking at my life and marriage with new glasses. Scarry what I began seeing. Wh was totaly withdrawn and wouldnt talk about it. Learned I didnt know this man I was married too, nothing like the guy
I had married.

Flash forward learned WH has been using a dating service for yrs, "when he felt lonely" and now has had an A. Thinks it is all my fault. Says it was stupid but not sorry. He actually said he was like David in the bible, withholding love from his wife because my weight gain was me disrespecting him!!!!


Says he doesnt want to divorce I shd just get over it and go on as we are. Financially a bad time for D, Constant lying about status of A. He says they are just friends now and cant be together . He has moved into guest room. Hasnt' spoken to DD hardly in months. Wont go to counseling, Begged him to talk to DD explained that counselor said he must to help her understand its not her fault. He said he wasnt going to explain himself to anybody, esp not a kid. She is 15! Said maybe when she is 30 she will understand. I replied so she just cries herself to sleep till shes 30 and re said I dont have to explain myself to ANYONE.

So I filed for financial protection, he laughed said I was blufffing. Now 10mths later he continues to lie about everything. He hired an attorney but told her to stall everything cause I was bluffing.

As I type he in in his room under the covers talking to OW on his go phne he bought at Walmart. Idiot left recpt in his pocket and I found it doing laundry. OW is married and has told him she loves him but loves her family and her life and he needs to leave her alone. He calls and email daily argueing with her that they are more than a fantasy and are meant to be together one day. Hasnt ssen her since sAugust.

Long sorry story I know. He is forfeting his family and life as he knows it for hope that she will change her mind or her husband will die (actually wrote that in email to her)so they can be together..
She has called it off 4 times now but lets him talk her into continueing to write and call. So she must be as sad and sick, and selfish as he is.What a pair.

She is living the high life in the Virgin Island right now with her Hubby. WHy she continues this I'll never know. We are living in hell while she is on vacation!!!

Sorry so very long winded, feel better just having typed this. Thanks for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

noanswers #2374375 05/16/10 10:18 AM
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Hello and welcome to MB, noanswers, glad (yet also sorry/sad) to have you here.

Weekends around here are rather slow so please don't feel ignored if the answers you are looking for don't come fast enough (you may not get many responses until, maybe, tomorrow afternoon or something like that).

I am sorry for what you are going through, what an awful position to be in. However, you have definitely come to the right place to find support, advice, encouragement, etc to help you get through this, regardless, so being here is most certainly a step in the right direction for you.

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Flash forward learned WH has been using a dating service for yrs, "when he felt lonely" and now has had an A. Thinks it is all my fault. Says it was stupid but not sorry.
First of all, you are NOT to blame for this A of his. Partners in marriage share 50% responsibility (each) in a marriage but, when one "CHOOSES" to have an A, that person (and that person ALONE) is solely (100%) responsible for making that choice...no one else is to blame for making that decision for them. Don't let him convince you otherwise, no matter how hard he tries to do so (and believe me...he "WILL").

As for him not saying he is sorry, this is simply because he doesn't want to accept any blame for his wrong-doing; (ie: if he says sorry, that's pretty much the same as accepting that he has, indeed, done something wrong, and right now, it is apparent that taking ANY blame for his actions is the last thing he wants to do). This non-sorry baloney is just another, often used, WW action...don't let it consume you. HE "knows" he has done/is doing wrong, but with his mind so haywire right now, no way is he going to allow himself to believe it. Be prepared, the blame shifting will likely continue for quite some time and, unfortunately, chances are that you, yourself, will be his number one target.

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He actually said he was like David in the bible, withholding love from his wife because my weight gain was me disrespecting him!!!!
WW's (waywards) lie and they will use ANY excuse they can find to "justify" an A. This is very typical of WW's; they don't want to take the blame for their own mistakes so they say/do anything to "shift the blame" onto someone else (that usually being their spouse). As sad as that sounds, it's also true. Excuses, excuses, excuses = justification for cheating (in a WW's "fogged-out" mind).

Quote
Begged him to talk to DD explained that counselor said he must to help her understand its not her fault. He said he wasnt going to explain himself to anybody, esp not a kid. She is 15! Said maybe when she is 30 she will understand. I replied so she just cries herself to sleep till shes 30 and re said I dont have to explain myself to ANYONE.
Do you just have the one child or...? Is this child one that you "produced" together (ie: you are both her biological parents)? Also, is this marriage the first marriage for the both of you or have either of you been married before?

Hmmm, you say your WH has hardly spoken to DD in months; does she live in a different home or something or do you mean he basically just ignores her as everyone goes about their daily routines under ONE ROOF? Either way, I find that more that just a little sad, I can only imagine your DD must feel incredibly neglected by him. Needless to say, I am very sorry for your DD, too (poor girl).

A few more questions for you:

- Who all knows about your WH's A? Have you exposed it to anyone yet or is it still "under wraps?" Does your DD even know???

- When did you first learn about this A and "how" did you find out about it?

- Do you (personally) know who this OW is (name, workplace, family members, etc)?

- Do you know if your WH has had any A's previous to this one? Considering he has been using a dating site for years...I can't help but wonder. It could be something he HAS done before unbeknowst to you.

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He is forfeting his family and life as he knows it for hope that she will change her mind or her husband will die (actually wrote that in email to her)so they can be together..
Wow, I find that last part of what your WH wrote (re OW's H dying) VERY UNSETTLING!!! Please pardon my bluntness but...does your H have any history of violence that you are aware of? Any troubles with the law, etc? I must admit, "hoping" for someone "to die" is extremely disturbing, in the least.

If I were you (and I can't stress this enough) I would be "saving" everything I find/see as evidence and secretly hiding it away (from your WH) "just in case." It's a good idea to do this, anyway, if only to protect you and your DD (in general, I mean).

As of RIGHT NOW, do everything you possibly can to gather together any and all evidence of your WH's A (and I do mean everything); cell phone records, computer conversations, receipts for "strange" things (and so on). Open up a new email account (one that only YOU can access) that you can use as your SECRET account for saving some particulars (ie: things that can be saved on a computer) and, for "evidence" that cannot be saved to a computer, find a place to store that where your WH would "NEVER" think to look (ie: a trusted family member/friend [of YOURS] house, perhaps).

Okay, I don't want to "overload" you with info all at once so I'm going to bring this to a close right now. However, do please come back and let us know "what's up" so that we can assist you further.

As tough as a spot you are in at the moment, be glad that you are here (at MB), as you won't find a better place to be.

Lastly, and I hate to even ask this but...

do you feel SAFE in your home at this time?

All the best to you, dear.

(((HUGS))))

Quote
Sorry so very long winded, feel better just having typed this. Thanks for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anytime, hon, that is what we are here for. :-)

Oh, and you will want to do one thing immediately;

Have the mods here at MB move your thread (posts) from this board (divorcing/divorced) to the SAA (Surviving An Affair) board asap. To do this, just look down at the lower area of your own posts and you will see a "notify" button. Click on this button and, when you get to the screen where you do your typing, just write in something like "please move this thread to the SAA board, please" and then submit your request. Once the mods receive your request they will move it to the SAA board where you will receive all that much more help from those who have loads of experience with what you are going through.

Actually, once you read my comment here, submitting "that" request (to move your thread to the SAA board) is the very first thing I would do if I were you.

Again, (((HUGS)))


Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15

Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong
1942-, American Author
TandC #2374392 05/16/10 10:48 AM
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Oh, forgot to mention one very important thing; do "NOT" mention this place (marriage builders) to your WH (if, of course, you haven't done so already). Consider this "YOUR" place to vent/cry/moan/complain/ask questions/get guidance, (etc) away from all of the crap that you are now going through. For now, the less your WH knows about all of this marriage building stuff you will be learning...the better!


Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15

Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong
1942-, American Author
TandC #2374394 05/16/10 10:52 AM
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noanswers, I don't have much to add to what TandC has already said, but I agree that you should ask the moderators to move this thread to the "Surviving An Affair" forum. For one, there is more traffic there, and for another, "surviving" doesn't always mean recovering the marriage.

Stick around, and you'll be OK. It's tough and it hurts right now -- the folks here know that better than anybody. But this is where you'll get the best help available!

In the mean time, start reading the free articles on this site to get a better understanding of Marriage Builders concepts and principles. You might also want to review the acronyms used in the Notable Posts forum.

Start by reading the articles listed in the box to the right labeled "Most Popular Links." Then click on the Articles tab at the top of the page.

You can't save or survive anything until you can save and survive yourself!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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So sorry. What you are going through is very difficult. I wish I had found this site when I was still in the position you are in. When I got here, it was too late and the marriage was well over. Even if your marriage can't be saved, the support this site can offer, and advice of your peers on it, can help a lot. I know it helped me.

And yes, it's not your fault. All WWs say that. Mine did and said some of the very same things.

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such great helpful advice and reminders, THX!

Yes, this is first and only M bor both, DD is our child,
WH addors her but he is an emotional detached person (counselor who talked with once 10mths ago described him as detached, self absorbed, and lacking any remorse due to his denial of his actions. That has always been a problem, he shuts down instead of showing emotions.

Yes, I feel safe. WH is thought of as fine christian man by everyone. I thought so too, but now I am seeing that I thought that and led everyone else to think that. Family and close friends have all commeneted that most of what they know of him is from me. He is very quite, says little. Kinda an E F Hutton type.

The dating service was phone sex stuff, this is first PA.
I have been collecting everything. Is is so sad, he trust me so it has been easy to discovery everything. He is trying to live a double life. emailing her Mothers Day love letters and then expecting to go to church and brunck with my family.

Oh and Yes, my family knows everything. They have caled and offered to forgive him, etc. DD also knows, she actually has been on to him for a few yrs now. Way before me. He knows she know so he avoids her as she does him. I beg him to help her by explaining but he wont. Both preacher and counselor believe him to be a true Narcisist and unable to make himself feel anyone else pain. Totally able to be selfish and not see it. He really doesnt get it. he has finally said he realizes he hurt me, but thinks I shd not care so much. Crazy I know.

He refuses to answer court questions, thinks he can ignore what he doesnt like. It is all so surreal.

Hope I am answering everyones questions.

As for moving this thread I m not sure.
SAA seems so hard to read how everyone is working on the marriage.
Im so past working on anything at this point. I have Plan A.d for 6mths He just lies and thinks he is hiding that WH and OW are still going on even though they havent seen each other. I have tons of text and email to prove everything. I have no respect for who WH has become. Questioning if I ever really knew him at all. Fam, preacher counselor all feel I have if anything tried to hard to help him and my marriage. Like I made life so easy for him by doing everything. They all agree that the fact that he refusses to even try to fight for our marriage I should get D.

Thanks for listening...

noanswers #2374613 05/17/10 05:10 AM
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The one thing I wonder is have you exposed to the OW husband. I find it odd he to take her to the Virgin Islands knowing she is still talking to your husband. Maybe some pressure there will eliminate the calls.


grindnfool
M-13 years
D-Day 10/26/06
Divorced 11.2007
DS-16, DD-9
noanswers #2374633 05/17/10 06:35 AM
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TC- what a thoughtful answer.

Question... Does the OW husband know about this affair?

You have her phone? Look up address today and find out how to contact him ASAP


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.

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