My mom did come to court with us, but she can't really watch the baby. She has very bad arthritis in both knees and has difficulty walking. The baby was sick and having to be carried everywhere and my mother can't carry the baby anymore. Her knees, combined with the broken ankle, are compounding her problems right now.

Yes, my oldest DS certainly could step-up and help out more. He's been living on his own for the past year, so he's just not used to answering to anyone. It's probably more work for me having him home. This morning, he forgot to close the baby gate at the top of the stairs and the baby was standing right there about ready to go down (which she doesn't know how to do) when I realized the gate was open. It about gave me a heart attack, since our stairs aren't even carpeted.

Last night, I finally realized that I've been spending far too much of my life trying to "save" everyone. I'm trying to save DS 18 from the mistakes he made that have put us in this legal situation. Even though I know he isn't a rapist, the fact is, he was the one who decided to have sex with this crazy girl and then hide everything from us when she started threatening him with all of this. I'm trying to save DS 15 from a multitude of poor choices including smoking marijuana and chronically ditching school. I'm trying to save my mother from years of neglecting her health and failing to control her diabetes. I realize I don't have control over anyone else's decisions. I guess I just don't know how to turn my back on any of these people that I love and let them suffer their own consequences.

It's hard, especially with my kids, because their actions have consequences for me as well. My DS 15 has been issued 3 "tickets" in the past year - for possession of tobacco on a school campus, possession of marijuana on a school campus, and truancy. All of those tickets have been written to me and my H, since he's a minor and we're the parents. All of his problems occur at school. I tried to have him placed in an independent study/home schooling program so I wouldn't have to send him to the school anymore, and they turned down my request because his grades and attendance were too poor to qualify! WTF? He gets in all kinds of trouble at school, but I am legally forced to continue sending him there, and then when he gets in trouble again, they punish me.

My life is insane. Really, it is. Over the past few weeks, I have contemplated just taking the baby and walking away from all of this more times than I can count. Some days, I just don't know how much more of this I will be able to put up with.

Okay, I have a question. What do you do with an out of control teenager?

My DS 15 is completely out of control. He freely admits to using drugs at school on a regular basis. He won't listen to anything we say. If we tell him he can't go somewhere, he just leaves anyway. If we try to ground him or take away privileges, he simply refuses to comply. If we try to take away his stereo or phone, he barricades himself in his room and refuses to give them to us. If my H tries to force his way into the room to take things away, my son gets physical. He has pushed my H and shoved him down on the bed. They're about the same size, but my son is much younger and stronger. If I tell him to get off the computer (in the living room) he just sits there and continues to do whatever he wants. I'm afraid to turn off the computer because he is much bigger than I am. He has absolutely no respect for anyone, in our house or out. He has been suspended from school for fighting, drugs, smoking, truancy. None of these offenses have apparently been bad enough for them to put him in juvenile hall. I specifically asked when he was arrested for possession of marijuana and was told by the arresting officer that they wouldn't take him into custody for that.

I need some immediate help here. I do not feel safe in my own home and I don't know what to do. I've been told by law enforcement that I can't legally kick him out of the home because he is still a minor. But I can't keep living like this either. I feel like a prisoner hiding out in my bedroom with the baby trying to avoid him.

Does anyone with any legal expertise know what options are open to us? I don't think I can do this for 2+ more years.

I'm so sorry, writer. Yes, it does sound like there's a nasty pattern going on in your life. At least you are now taking a step back and realizing it.
Re: the DS15 (does D now stand for delinquent?-just kidding). Is there a "tough love" kind of group for troubled youth in your area? I know you said it's not too urban where you are, but maybe there is some kind of program like a "scared straight?"
I haven't dealt with the troubled teen years yet, but from what I see, it's all about your peer group. Sounds like DS15 is getting validated by his peers. Obviously, they have to go--but he needs to make that choice. Those programs are actually pretty successful, if you can find a good one.
Sorry I can't be of more help.

What does your son want to do when he graduates? Does he have any particular area that he's more interested in than others?

How about getting him involved in volunteering or getting him hooked up with a trusted mentor in the area that interests him?

Could be there is just too much chaos going on at home for him right now and he needs a healthy outlet.

Right now, DS 15 is not on track to graduate, ever. He is supposed to be a sophomore, but because of his credits, he is still technically a freshman. And this year, he's only passing 2 of his classes. He'll never graduate from high school the way things are going now. We are looking into doing some sort of home schooling or independent study with him next year, but frankly, I'm very apprehensive about it. He has no respect for me (or any type of authority for that matter) and if he won't listen to me, I don't know how I can teach him.

We've tried looking into some residential programs, but they all cost $2000 - $5000 a month. Who in the world can afford something like that? It's simply impossible for us. I have a call in to the director of student services at our school district. Our bishop referred me to him. He may have some information about other programs that don't cost as much, but the way things are for us right now financially, it would pretty much have to be free for us to afford it.

I don't think DS15's problems have anything to do with the current situation with our older son, because we've always had problems with DS15. He's had huge behavior issues since he was 2, when he started getting sent home from preschool because they couldn't handle him. It's been downhill ever since. He was diagnosed with ADHD and has been on a number of medications over the years. Now, he refuses to take medication, and they never helped much anyway. I honestly think he has more than just ADHD, but I don't know how to get a proper diagnosis. He isn't exactly open to seeing a psychiatrist, and since he's 6' tall and I'm not, it's pretty difficult to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

Where we live is a huge issue. It's all illegal immigrants and gangs around here, lots of meth labs, lots of pot farms. I recently found out CA's Inland Empire is considered the meth capital of the US. Lovely. Troubled teens seem to be the rule here rather than the exception. Whenever I go to the school for help, I'm pretty much told to take a number and get in line since they have so many problem kids to deal with that are far worse than mine. Really! That is so helpful.

I'm actually hoping the bank does take our house. I've been trying to get out of this place for 9 years and nothing else has worked.

DS18 has gone out to stay with my mom for a couple of days to help her out. It takes at least 2 people just to get her standing up now. I don't know what we're going to do with that. My mom can't stay with us since all of my house (living room, kitchen, etc.) is upstairs except for our master bedroom and bathroom. I can't stay with her because there just isn't room. She lives with my aunt and uncle (who won't help her at all - long story) and my grandmother in a very tiny and unsanitary house that isn't at all safe for the baby. I think she's going to need long term care, as will my grandmother, but I don't know what our options are. They live off my grandmother's social security. My mom can't work now, and even before the accident, most of her earnings went toward her health insurance. I know they can't afford to have someone come in and help out.

Does anyone have some Calgon I can borrow?

Check United Way and your relatives' insurances to see what is covered. Make sure their insurance doesn't cover at-home care of some type.

I would then visit area nursing homes. Ask people in your social circle who have family in nursing homes and get their opinions. Google area nursing homes and educate yourself.

Some skilled nursing facilities (otherwise known as SNFs) also allow intermediary/ambulatory patients. This might be a nice option if there is one available, because an SNF will provide therapies after, say, a hip fracture or heart attack and wouldn't require a transfer to another type of home after the hospital discharge.

If your relatives who need nursing care need to be admitted under medical assistance, I would call the board of aging for the county they live in to get details and direction.

Also, the human services/social worker at the nursing homes should be able to give you details on what is required for admission. Sometimes there is a waiting list. Sometimes medical assistance patients are last on the list where privately paying or insured patients take precedence.

An alternative is to admit her into a county run home and transfer her when a bed becomes available at a nicer place. I'd avoid that if you can and shoot for a clean SNF in compliance with the state.

writer,

Have you tried this for you DS15?

Hotlines for Troubled Teens

I admit I didn't check out all the links but maybe something there might lead to a possible solution.

I am sorry that your family is in such dire straits writer. I have no calgon, just some tough-love measures. Your description of your 15 year old is chilling. It seems that you are living in fear of your son's potential violence. You are going to have to face that fear, and deal with it head-on, rather than give in to it as you have been doing.

If, for example, you told him to get off the computer, and he wouldn't, I would simply pull the plug. Same goes for when he leaves the house without permission. If he assaults you or your H, I would call the police. An assault charge will land him in juvenile hall - or better yet, an early intervention program.

When he turns 16, given his abysmal performance in school, I would tell him that it's time to get a job and go for his GED. Perhaps he is the type who would do better working than being in school. If you are giving him money, cell phone or a car I would stop that now. And he can't buy drugs without money.

I know that these measures may seem radical, but what you're describing is a situation that is only going to get worse. You don't need worse.

Take care.

pk

Writer - patients who are admitted into nursing homes under medical assistance generally:

1) Are allowed an irrevocable burial fund to be set up prior to admission. Generally, these funds have no ceiling but are not able to be touched until after the death. Check with the board of aging on this - ask what is allowed in your state for this. Ask about life insurances policies. They may not allow both.

2) The house will probably have to be sold unless someone is living in it 6 months out of the year. (Again...check with the board of aging on the rules in your state) Not sure how they look at vehicles or furnishings or other assets.

3) When a patient is admitted into a nursing home uncovered by insurances and with just a social security and/or pension as their income and no other saved money, a portion of the check is set aside for their extraneous toiletries or other small things every month, such as a special toothpaste or chocolates. The nursing home generally can take charge of that and hold that in an account for her. You usually can provide receipts of these items when you visit to get reimbursed. (Check with the nursing home)

4) The rest of the check goes towards their care, and the state will then provide a supplement to help the nursing home with the expenses. Then I believe once a year, the nursing home will submit a cost report to the state for a lump sum of all the cumulative MA losses for all the MA patients, and they'll get a portion of that loss back. The rest is written off.

5) You can legally become the responsible party for your grandmother's account and thus would be the only person capable of withdrawing from her personal account when you buy her little things. Also, you can arrange to have the social security check mailed directly to the nursing home where an office worker can take it to her to be signed or (X'd) and witnessed. If she is unable to sign it, it can be made out so that the nursing home can just endorse it and deposit it towards her care.

Note to you: If your relative is able to sign it, let her. This helps maintain some sense of independence and control and pride in helping to pay for her own care.

Solee: Here is our situation as far as the nursing home options go. My grandmother owns a house that is largely paid off (I think she owes about $30,000). The house is worth around $300,000 - $400,000 (not sure of the exact amount, considering the current state of the housing market, but she has quite a bit of equity). My mother, aunt, and uncle all live in the house with my grandmother. When my grandmother had her stroke, they looked into the possibility of having her put in a nursing home at that time. What they basically found out was that her social security/medicare would only kick in to pay for a nursing home if the house was sold and all of the money from the sale of the house was first used to pay her expenses.

My mother has no money, no retirement fund, and no property. My aunt and uncle are even worse, since they have none of these things either, and they have a huge amount of debt. All three of them are basically banking on inheriting my grandmother's house when she passes away, selling the property, dividing the assets equally between my aunt/uncle (they're married, uncle is my grandmother's son) and my mother, and retiring on that money. If they have to put my grandmother in a nursing home, they will lose the house, lose where they are all currently living, and lose their retirement money.

My H and I have been aware of the fact that there is going to be a huge battle when my grandmother passes away over that house. There has been squabbling over it for years now. My aunt and uncle hate my mother, and vice versa. They fight and argue all the time. My grandmother has a will, but I don't know the particulars of it. I just know it's going to get very ugly. I've done my best to stay out of this, but it hasn't been easy. I'm just a grandchild and I'm not in the will and I wouldn't want to be under the circumstances. That's way more headache than I care to endure right now. I've talked to my mother hundreds of times about my concerns regarding the situation and she doesn't want to listen. I have no authority here, so I don't know what else I can do.

As far as DS15 goes, we don't give him any money. He doesn't have a car or a cell phone (anymore). I don't know where he gets the drugs. He says his friends just give them to him. We have plans to call the police whenever he starts to get violent or make threats from now on. Ideally, we would like to find him some sort of program that might give him the help that he needs. Trying to find one we can afford is proving quite difficult.

Writer -

After her stroke, she might have qualified for skilled care with therapies and such. Under that diagnosis, from my memory, her insurances probably would have covered her for quite a while. Once the insurances ended, they could have brought her back home before she needed to be assessed for medical assistance.

Based on the fact that people are living in the house, they might not have had to sell it for her to qualify for medical assistance.

And I do believe you need to be co living in the house for a set period of time before the admission for this to all be valid and for it not to be deemed a ploy to outwit the MA system.

I suppose every state is different, writer, but from what you're telling me and basing it on the laws in my state from 20 years ago (long time ago, I know) there might have been a misunderstanding.

As far as admitting your mother, sounds like she would qualify for MA.

Generally when I was working in an SNF...if you broke a bone or had a stroke or heart attack, Medicare would cover you at that time for 100 days because you were going to need possibly intravenous and therapies. After that up to the 365th day, BC/BS would cover you. During that time of recuperation, your health was assessed regularly by your doctor. If he or she deemed that you no longer needed skilled care, you would have three choices:

Be discharged, go through the MA application process with your assets assessed to determine if you needed to liquidate and pay with those proceeds for a time until you qualified for MA, or if you were a veteran, the VA would pay for your stay instead of MA. Now...that's 20 years ago.

As far as your son...honestly I would consult a good attorney and talk to other parents with similar problems who have been through your local court system before I'd ever get the police involved in my child's problems.

Sounds to me like it's time to let the bank repo the house, and to get out of that godforsaken area and find a real job and live in an area with some hope for the future. Can your husband relocate or find employment elsewhere? It's not like you have to stick around so DS15 graduates or anything... And DS18 is done, so a fresh start might be what he needs.

It was our plan to move after DS18 graduated this year, but now I'm not sure what we're doing. Obviously, we can't go anywhere until this case is decided. If he gets some sort of probation or, God forbid, ends up in jail, we won't be able go very far for who knows how long.

Writer,

Do a google search for your county for "mental health court" and "juvenile mental health court."

Please tell me if you find anything. Sometimes you just need to know what rock to turn over.

If he gets probation, you should be able to relocate. The courts should look forward to getting both sons away from a toxic peer group situation. Make sure your lawyer fights for this.

Sorry, I was offline all weekend. Magic Mountain was fun. I let myself get talked into going on a few roller coasters, even though they're really not my thing. I'm more of a special effects, Universal Studios/Disneyland type of girl. But, my son had a good time and I'm glad that we went. Sometimes, you just have to put all of the problems out of your mind and forget about it for awhile.

Now, back to reality. We have a meeting with the lawyer tonight at 5, so hopefully some of our questions will be answered at least. I just want a plan, and with the PD, it always felt like the "plan" was for my son to accept the fact that he's guilty and try to get the shortest/lightest sentence possible. This was not a good plan, to say the least.

My mom has an appointment with an orthopedic specialist this morning, so we should find out soon if she will require surgery. We contacted the church in her area and they've been bringing over meals and having someone stop by during the day to help her out. It isn't much, but it's something. Surprisingly, my aunt and uncle have even been running some errands for my mom and grandma and helping out a little.

Chrysalis: I will google those words today and see what I find. I know I've been putting my DS15's issues on hold because of all of the things that have been going on with my older son. I feel like I can only deal with so many issues at once and here lately, I've been on overload.

How are you holding up?

yes whats goin on writer?

We went to court today at our new attorney's request. He wanted to see if he could get my son some of the privileges that the PD wasn't able to. The judge refused to reconsider letting my son walk at his graduation, but he is going to allow him to go to grad night (which my son wanted to do more than walk at graduation anyway). I got the feeling that the new attorney pretty much convinced the judge that not allowing our son to walk at graduation didn't make much sense, but the judge just didn't want to change the orders because doing so would have meant having to admit he'd made a mistake, which is probably something most judges don't like to do. The new attorney is definitely worth the money. He actually speaks in the courtroom and stands up for my son's rights, which the PD didn't do at all.

I will try to update more tomorrow. I'm just too tired right now. We've been so busy lately.

Writer, I have read your story. My heart goes out to you. I have a 13 yr old son with a "steady" gf and .... I could not imagine going through what you are dealing with. Crazy. I am glad your new atty is better. God Speed.