|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738 |
You're so right. Your true DH has been gone for months, and all you're banishing is the soul-sucking alien who looks quite a bit like DH, except for the empty eyes.
Big hugs for you - I know how hard this is. Empty eyes is right! That's one of the hardest things when I look in his face these days.
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Yeah, they all got them empty eyes...there is a thread on here somewhere about how they all have em.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738 |
Empty eyes because they've emptied their souls.....
Just wanted to post my improved Plan B letter. Any other comments or suggestions would be great:
Dearest WH,
I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where you became vulnerable to another woman's attentions.
I have learned to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past, and am constantly working to find better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. But we cannot do that until you end all contact with POSOW once and for all, and commit to having her out of our lives completely.
Until then, I hope you will understand when I say that I cannot see you or talk to you anymore. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.
Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her and do not want to have a marriage with me. I love you very much, and need to preserve that love so that I will still want to recover our marriage when you end your affair. I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOW and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.
The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; be truly repentant for the damage you caused; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.
I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our family and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.
I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.
Love,
NewPetals
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Ummmm, I have to ponder it a bit more but...I would leave out the part about him having to be truly repentent in the conditions, sounds a little too much to me. The come home demands can be more specified when he decides to do what it takes to commit to recovering...
and I am not sure about the first sentence, I think it should be more about your responsiblilty for the marriage itself, not his indescretions(sp)....
See what others say also, but I am thinking on it....
UGGGHHH!!! I wish I could find my Plan B letter!!!!
Last edited by stillhere8126; 05/18/10 10:47 AM. Reason: Ughhh
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738 |
Thanks stillhere!
I'd like to give it to him within a few days (whenever he returns) so I'm hoping to have it ready by then...
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
Empty eyes because they've emptied their souls.....
Just wanted to post my improved Plan B letter. Any other comments or suggestions would be great:
Here are some changes I would make
Dearest WH,
I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where you became vulnerable to another woman's attentions.
I have learned from my to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past, and am constantly working to find better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. But we cannot do that until you end all contact with POSOW OW H's wife (if she is married, I refused to give the POSOW a name) once and for all, and commit to having her out of our lives completely.
Until then, I hope you will understand when I say that I cannot see you or talk to you anymore. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.
Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her and do not want to have a marriage with me. I love you very much, and need to preserve that love so that I will still want to recover our marriage when you end your affair. and I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOW and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.
The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; be truly repentant for the damage you caused; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.
I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our family and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.
I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.
Love,
NewPetals
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
NP, are you ready - legally - for plan B, that was something I struggled with to understand when I was getting ready to transition. I thought plan B and D were close to the same. They are not, but you also need to protect yourself financially and legally.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
I just hate the first part that says that you recognize your part in creating an environment to make him vunerable...I am trying to think of something better than that sentence...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
NP,
Here is a copy of the first couple of paragraphs of my plan B letter. Maybe that will help.
I have always admired your integrity, caring, and reliability. Your strength has always inspired me. I will remember kindly all the times you have stood by me in bad health, in difficult times with the kids, and in other difficulties in our lives. I will also fondly remember all the fun times in PIB, Vegas, and the Smoky Mountains, the long walks on the beaches in Florida and the Bahamas. But I will mostly remember good times we have had with each other and with the kids. DstepD20 and I have forged a friendship that will last a lifetime. I have also always believed in you, trusted you and loved you.
I am sorry for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW H's wife possible. Since you continue your affair with his wife; I need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. You may contact me through your mother, my brother, or my lawyer. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must understand the suffering that I have endured because of your continued contact with her, the behavior you have demonstrated, and the choices that you have made that have affected us both and our family. I simply cannot be around you any longer knowing that you continue to see her. I cannot live here under these circumstances
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
NP, do you have the SAA book, I cant find mine(must be with my letter)....I know that there are sample Plan B letters in there, how do they start, maybe I am just being too picky about the first sentence...I like your letter though, its pretty good....I just know how Waynerds can twist the words you say and that first or second sentence just rubs me wrong....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Dearest WH,
I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where you became vulnerable to another woman's attentionsyour affair with POSOW was possible.(the other way puts too much blame on OW)
I have learned to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past, and am constantly working to find better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. But we cannot do that until you end all contact with POSOW once and for all, and commit to having her out of our lives completelyWe can not do that while you are still in contact with POSOW
Until then, I hope you will understand when I say that I cannot see you or talk to you anymore. Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you.IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.
Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her and do not want to have a marriage with me. I love you very much, and need to preserve that love so that I will still want to recover our marriage when you end your affair. I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOW and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.
The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; be truly repentant for the damage you caused; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.I don't know about this either. You may want to add things to this list in the future. I had an addendum with children's visitation and finances and there was another page that had the things WH would have to do just to contact me again directly. They were,
"Before I will consider direct communication with you
1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end the affair with WF
3. You will write a No Contact letter to WF and have it okayed by me and then I will send it.
4. You will leave WORPLACE (unless she has left first)
5. You will agree to follow a marriage counseling plan of my choosing.(MB OF COURSE)
6. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results."
I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our familymarriage and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.
I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.
Love,
NewPetals I am sure others will pop in to give you some advice.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Still, The first few pages of this thread has some sample letters in them. I used the letter from SAA almost exactly and the posters on here still had suggestions about editing. I had to laff, but I did change what they suggested.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Yeah, I think I did it like they did in the book too...I found a link and they do start out the way NP did, but I think I like yours better....and NP you do have to have a DETAILED list of things that are ready if and when WH wants to work on the marriage....So I would have that too.....
NP, I think the letter is good...Scottys changes are good...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
NP, do you have the SAA book, I cant find mine(must be with my letter)....I know that there are sample Plan B letters in there, how do they start, maybe I am just being too picky about the first sentence...I like your letter though, its pretty good....I just know how Waynerds can twist the words you say and that first or second sentence just rubs me wrong.... I'm with SH, NP. I'd lose anything in the letter that paints you out as less than the wonderful Best Choice that you are. I don't think now's the time to own up to anything that your WH can even faintly pick up on to "blame" you for the A.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
I have this list from another thread for some ideas it says it was originally posted by sexymamabear.
REQUIREMENTS TO COMING HOME
Humility
Remorse
Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God
Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)
Authentic repentance
Owns his choices and the consequences they caused (to himself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)
Apology for the A and his hurtful actions before and after
Confession & apology to children
Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him
IC, MC, & Family
Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose
Attend church again
NC Letter
Provide all cell phone & credit card records from this past year
Complete radical honesty about our entire history together
15+ hours together weekly
Pray with me daily
Polygraph
Post Nup agreement that provides for me very well if we ever divorce
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
NP, do you have the SAA book, I cant find mine(must be with my letter)....I know that there are sample Plan B letters in there, how do they start, maybe I am just being too picky about the first sentence...I like your letter though, its pretty good....I just know how Waynerds can twist the words you say and that first or second sentence just rubs me wrong.... I'm with SH, NP. I'd lose anything in the letter that paints you out as less than the wonderful Best Choice that you are. I don't think now's the time to own up to anything that your WH can even faintly pick up on to "blame" you for the A. Yeah, thats what im thinkin too...nows not the time for that...Waynerds hone in on that stuff and throw it back at ya....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738 |
Well, I know I shouldn't have....but I checked WH's email, the last one that I have access to. And, of course, there were messages between them, and he called her "baby." This does not seem like the actions of a man who plans to end his affair before the week is up.
I am moving to Plan B effective NOW.
Is it alright to send him an email with the letter, and ask him to let me know when he will be back so I can make plans accordingly to be MIA?
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Yes, but no lb's or feeling in the email....just matter of fact..Please let me know when you will be coming by to pick up your things. Thank you....
No more looking at his emails, you will just cause yourself more unnecessary pain, k?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738 |
Text of the email I am going to send him (if it's alright....I don't know if it's advisable??? $LB practically empty right now...) The bolded parts are bits I added because this will be through email, not in person as I planned...
[i]Dearest WH,
After much thought, I have made a decision on the road I need to follow. I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where your affair with POSOW was possible.
I have learned better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. We can not do that while you are still in contact with POSOW.
Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children. Please let me know when you will be back in town and I will arrange to be out of the house and have your bag by the front door. You can return while I am at work to pack up the rest of it � I couldn�t do much because of the pregnancy.
Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her. I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOW and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.
I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our marriage and begin the rest of our lives together. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.
I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.
Love,
NewPetals
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
NP-Of course he isn't ready to end his affair this week. He is a typical cake-eater. I keep being told that is good though, because the MB plans DO work on cake-eaters. Okay, I don't quite understand your question. Aren't you planning on having his things packed with the latter on top? It is perfectly normal for a wife to ask her husband when he is coming home. You are still in Plan A until he arrives home? Or are you planning on going to Plan B while he is not home? I know you were planning on not letting him back into the house when he returns home. I am sorry, I am confufulled. 
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
190
guests, and
47
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,615
Posts2,323,459
Members71,895
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
