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Well i'm a 40 yr. old man with my wife for 11 yrs. married for 5, Well to be blunt i just found out my wife has been having a sexual affair with her 1st cousin, they just reconnected after not seeing each other since very young childhood. when they met i thought it was completely innocent, and let her spend time with him, i mean they are cousins... i didnt think of that at all, she claims they went out and it just happened after they got home..he lives about 1.5 hrs. away and she began going to his condo every weekend, i became very suspicious. and began snooping.. and found too much proof to bare. after many times of fighting with her about going, she claims he was a good friend and she could talk to him about anything, without being judged or yelled at.. i'm not a perfect husband but i am faithful, dont abuse in any way, dont gamble, dont drink, and has a good job. after i caught her she claims she was unhappy for yrs. and i paid no attention to her.. i really dont know what to do.. i love her very much...and agreed to wipe the slate clean and try to start our relationship over again, but the first thing to do was to cut all ties.. and she just cant stop chatting, calling, or texting.. she says i dont understand, and she just cant stop talking to him like that...i dont know any comments or help would be great.


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The WS (wayward Spouse)will always tell you that he or she has been unhappy for years but that is just FOG babble! I should know WS tends to say the exact same thing to justify what they are doing.

The first thing would read everything on this site! They have the best ideas and support system, I know that from my husband when he was needing help in our situation.

After hours of reading, the next thing is to get all the evidence you can get from your WW (Wayward Wife) emails, phone calls, texts, etc. The more the better!

The next thing would be an exposure, that is HUGE! If she isn't ending the relationship you HAVE to do this no matter what! Is he married? If so then expose him to his wife.

There are a lot of people on here that will give you great advise! Stay on here, ask questions, etc people can help you who are in the same situation!

This will be hard but trust me if you want to save your marriage do exactly what the MB tells you to do (Marriage Builders)

Last edited by SapphireReturns; 05/18/10 11:04 PM.
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Welcome to MB.

Have you read the basic concepts (tab at top of page)

Then read this thread: For Newly Betrayed Spouses


Once you've completed those let me know.

Bottom line: you can't save your marriage until your wife goes to No Contact with OM. She obviously isn't stopping even after being busted...thus, you MUST expose the affair to the light of day to bust it up. Again...until it's busted up you can't make any progress and you'll never save it.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Massive exposure.
No Contact Letter.

That's first.

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Thanks for the info, Mr Wondering.. those are some good reads..and my wife is definitely in the Fog...The only time she seems willing to talk about the problem is when i ask her was it worth losing her kids? or when i threaten to expose her to family & friends.. I mean cheating is bad enough... but with her 1st cousin.. it still disturbs me just to say or think of it..I just wish she would open up to me and talk..but that is such a chore for her right now.. I'm in the process of trying to find a counselor for both of us.. and she agrees to go.. which i guess is good. The article i just read is one of my problems right now... the exposure and embarrassment of my wife, to see her cry crushes me , and i know that would destroy her, and she would despise me for it. i don't wanna push her away any further.. well thats sorta where i'm at.. i have started writing all activities in a notebook. Any thoughts on the 1st cousin thing?


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OH YA! She's gunna get pissed I should know! Wanna know what I said when my husband exposed me and my affair on facebook?

"I might have been the one that ruined our marriage but you were the one that ENDED the marriage!"

And by the way I screamed, punched, and cried all at the same time repeating that sentence over and over again!

You can try to go to MC but if she wont end it, the only thing you HAVE TO DO is Expose! Trust me! After he exposed us there was no way in hell I was ever going to see my H again after that! But it was the only way to stop it, and I am personally grateful that my husband had the balls to do it!

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I'm just confused on what to do day to day, i mean i wanna talk about moving forward but she doesn't .. its hard with 2 young children boy 8 & girl 3. when i know she calls him on her way to work, at lunch, and on her way home from work. i check her phone usage, and she knows i can check it. just frustrated.. don't sleep in the same room anymore.. and havent had sex in over 6 months. am i crazy for even considering taking her back?


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Ah, Cpt - I just posted a thread called Why you should NEVER Wait to Expose (I think that's it).

PLEASE, read it!
I had to expose my own brother and believe me, it was difficult.

Trust us. If you want to bust up the affair, you will have to do massive exposure. Yes, she will get mad. Yes, she will cry. Yes, she will probably throw things at you.

So what?

She'll get over it.

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Originally Posted By: CptTerror
am i crazy for even considering taking her back?


Yes, you are crazy if you take her back without killing the affair first. She won't end it herself.

Expose the affair, this is the first and most important step if you ever want to rebuild your marriage.

Terror, if you are waiting for advice here that tells you something else than expose then you will wait forever.

Read other threads and you'll see how similar your answers are to other betrayed spouses who are avoiding to use help provided here.

So you asked for any help. We are giving you sound advice here. And it is not based on some temporary anger towards wayward spouses but it is based on personal experiences and it is based on experiences of dr Harley, founder of MarriageBuilders.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
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Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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CT

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

You can live with your Wifes anger but your M will not survive an A.

Please read this from Dr Harley


Dr. Harleys answer to Forum members questions:

Its true that I have only addressed the issue of exposure on Marriage Builders Radio and on the private Forum that is only available to those who attend the Marriage Builders Weekend. So here goes my definitive answer that will help explain what may seem as contradictions from both Steve Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.

Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that theyve just discovered their spouses affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lovers spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible). The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because its likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself. But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarnings, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse. Its my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages.

The full newsletter

Exposure Newsletter

Nesre


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Ok, so if i do expose, my wife will feel lonely and depressed...how can i guard her from thoughts of such things as suicide...just a thought. I have told my brother & sister, and let her father and mother know she is doing somthing wrong and i suspect infidelity...But the parents know no details at all.


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Did you get through reading the Basic concepts yet? They are at the top of the page near the center in the red header area.

Also another poster put a link to Newly Betrayed Spouses in a post a few up from this one.

It may do some good to see how this all ties together and then formulate a plan with some of the Vetrans on this board. I am by no means a Vetran.

Read all you can and then come back and post questions. From there a plan can be developed.

Exposure with the right frame of mind and answers to questions or accusations which your angry W will probably throw at you can make all the difference in carrying out the plan you develop.

Originally Posted By: CptTerror
Ok, so if i do expose, my wife will feel lonely and depressed...how can i guard her from thoughts of such things as suicide...just a thought. I have told my brother & sister, and let her father and mother know she is doing somthing wrong and i suspect infidelity...But the parents know no details at all.


No one that I know of in this life has ever gaurded my thoughts of suicide and such. JMO-I don't think another human can do that for another.
ADDED
Could you give us a little more inffo-Is this first M's for both of you? Are there children and ages?
Nesre

Last edited by nesre; 05/19/10 01:44 AM. Reason: add noted

M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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I have read all the info. above, this is my 2nd marriage, my wifes first. we have 2 kids together boy 8 and girl 3. My first marriage ended because of the strange reason that we could never have kids together, my ex believed it was my fault and also strayed... i guess i'm a whipping boy.. My wife was engaged when i met her... i was not aware of this, just new she was seeing someone.. i made her break it off before we went on any dates at all..


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Cpt, the purpose of exposure is not to punish her. The purpose is to bring the A public, which ends the secrecy and fantasy that the A thrives on. Also, it allows those closest to her and him to put pressure on them both to stop. This is why you expose to everyone on her side and his. Everyone. Today Without warning, too.

She is a like drug addict in a crack house. Take away her drugs. She will go through withdrawal, but you can build a stronger M. But not with another man in the picture.

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Originally Posted By: CptTerror
Ok, so if i do expose, my wife will feel lonely and depressed...how can i guard her from thoughts of such things as suicide...just a thought. I have told my brother & sister, and let her father and mother know she is doing somthing wrong and i suspect infidelity...But the parents know no details at all.


You can't 'guard' her from suicide. A truly suicidal person will commit suicide. Exposure will not goad her into it.

You have a very powerful tool in exposure, Cpt. There is something elementally 'icky' about 1st cousins being sexually involved. Tell your family asap. I have to believe that they will see the 'ickiness' of this and work with you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Quote:
My wife was engaged when i met her...

No one will slam you on this. She wasn't married yet, so she was a free agent. Of course, I assume you were already a free agent when you met...

Please do not warn her about exposing. You see, what happens when the WS thinks you are going to expose is that she will go to everyone first and lie. She will tell them that you are insanely jealous, a control freak, won't allow her to have any friends, accuse her of sleeping with everyone she meets including relatives, etc. That's why you can't let her spin it first.

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Originally Posted By: CptTerror
Ok, so if i do expose, my wife will feel lonely and depressed...how can i guard her from thoughts of such things as suicide...just a thought. I have told my brother & sister, and let her father and mother know she is doing somthing wrong and i suspect infidelity...But the parents know no details at all.


Your wife's affair is the most depressing effect, so anything you can do to end the affair and get her through withdrawal will help her mental state and self esteem. All of these family members should be told the truth and asked to use their influence to persuade her to stop. That is the best thing you can do for your wife.

Your wife will be furious, but keep in mind the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid her wrath at all costs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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CT,

havent had sex in over 6 months

Thank God, this will keep you from getting whatever STD OM has. Someone who would seduce his cousin would have no issues going to bawdy houses or seeing street walkers.

God Bless
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I know it is counter intuitive to expose. She will be furious. We have warned you about that response. It WILL happen.

BUT, it is the most necessary step to end the affair. It will be especially fast in your case since your family will have a very vested interest in ending it since they are blood relatives.

Expose to those who can put pressure on the affair.

Again, she WILL be furious. She will spit venom at you in a massive way and will hate you for exposing, but it's the response of an addict having the crack pipe taken out of her hands.

The addict gets ticked, but will be grateful later.

My greatest concern with men like you is the preservation of your rights as a father. Your actions are guided with the idea of either 1. saving your marriage, 2. preserving your rights as a father, 3. both of those things.

You MUST expose. It sucks to do it and the reaction stinks and you'll come back here and tell us all that you think it's all messed up and that you can't possibly save things because of her response.

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