Im about to tell you all i have done on my part to make this marriage come to the brink of divorce, I know that it takes two to come to a make a marriage work as well as to make it unwork....my part is as follows....i always said "divorce" when i found no outlet in an arguement between my wife and myself. Thats it, in the end what ever we were fighting over meant nothing anymore, not what she said or did or what i said or did or any of my flaws or her flaws were important, only that which i said in the end of the arguement which i cried "divorce" then all blame was mine. I did this over many years until i was able to come to a better grasp of why this behavior would come about thru the help of a counselor my wife and myself saw regularly 2 times a month for over a year and a half. I was able to be a better communicator and realize my marriage true potential and love my wife as she wanted to be shown. But that dark area of my life would some times wanted to creep its hugly head when i found myself in a corner during an unimportant arguement with my wife...i am not perfect, but i have a better grasp of my behavior and what i say.

I do believe that i have grown spiritually and mentally and in my marriage to make it work. But all the damage had been done. I believe that my wife has never been really happy with herself for many years, and our arguements are a result of it, but she is not to blame entirely. This has been more evident in the last 3 years since she landed a great job that fulfilled her temporarily. I noticed a more stronger and more confident women that i really enjoyed, but then i noticed that i was no longer becoming the head of the house hold anymore, and it was slowly slipping away from me, the agruements became more aggressive as she made her point and would not budge to comprimise. Eventually we split and seperated and her last words were "Im divorcing you", "I am a women of my word and i made a promise to GOD that when i said i was going to do something i would fulfill that promise". So we seperated and i moved 2 hours aways on the coast of Seattle, Wa and she stayed Central WA with the children 8, 6, and 4 yrs old. I have tried to be there for the my children as much as possible and comfort them best i can over the phone and in person. They are not to blame, but it hurts and i cant help cry to know that they will suffer now and in the long run from a divorce of their parents.

I really do love my wife as she is, and i told her this the last time we seperated for a short 2 months, and that i except her as she is and she can lay into me and i will take it as it may...which probably was a mistake, cuz she really laid it into me with her strong character. But this time i laid down all my guard and truly loved her the way she deserved.

It has been almost 2 months and no communication except for the occassional call concerning the children, i tried to work things out with her and recommit my self with her but she didnt want any part of it because she says she cannot trust me, she says this cuz i dont fulfill my promise to work things out with her. She blames me for not loving her and respecting her and she is convinced of this; up until the day we both left the home and went our seperate ways,

Now I dont know what to do, but pray and seek GOD.

I want my marriage more than anything, even with all the hurt we have caused eachother, I can forgive her but i dont believe she has ever forgiven me for all the past hurt.....

I love my wife and i want to save my family. I dont know what else to do except to stand still and wait patiently.

Why?



What about you shows her you care about her and your children?

You moved 2 hours away immediately upon separation. How involved are you with your children?

This just really doesn't cut it as a parent. How much are you really THERE? Hopefully you are understating your involvement with them, otherwise you are ignorant of reality and what you are showing BOTH your wife and your children.

Basically, it sounds like she gave you what you were telling her you wanted and now you don't want it. She MIGHT be in a place to do something, but you are going to have to work HARD on YOURSELF FIRST. Like I said, hopefully your post is understating your involvement in all this.

I agree with "Just". Whether it's fair or not, I have learned that while words can destroy trust and confidence, it takes far more than just words to build it back up again. What do your actions communicate to her? What might you do, not say, to start to rebuild that trust?

When we seperated in December, i did my best to be there for her and the children and i was in the same city to help. I was involved from morning till night becuz this is what she wanted, only i was sleeping elsewhere. I was arriving in the morning to get the children ready and take them to school and then go to work, i left work early to pick them up and stayed home with them till she arrived and i picked up around the house and had dinner ready for her when she arrived, then i left. For two months this was my routine....then she asked me back. 3 weeks went by and she was feeling incontent, she had disaggreements with me and accusations all over again, I bit my tongue! But in the end she was just done and didnt tell me till 3 weeks later after ignoring me entirely in the house. I came to find out that her sister has been telling her to leave me all along. I really did try to work things out, but when she was lowering her guard, she finally let me know that i can do all the nice things for her if I want, but she was still going to divorce me. We were in the process of purchasing our first home during all this, she still wanted me to buy the home with her but to expect the divorce papers in the mail....i sat down with her and asked what we can do to work it out, and she told me nothing. She said that I did not love her and i proved it to her when I did not get a vasectomy done. i did not go thru with it for the reason that I rescheduled it so that she can be there when she was a little calmer with me, she had told me that it was all my desicion if i wanted to do it or not. So i decided to wait. I also did not purchase the home, i backed out of the transaction after i counseled with my pastor and family counselor we were both seeing. Grant it, she was upset that i never loved her because i did not buy the home for her.... I left to the coast to work on myself, i know that if i was around she was going to have me at her beck and call becuz she knows that i love her and the kids, but she would only have me there only to dominate and show control. Now my logic on leaving so far away, i left to work on myself in order to enjoy the children and have them see that work in me. If I was there and permitted my wife to punish me, per say....i would be miserable and they would see that in my face and possibly the way i treated them, what are you thoughts?

What do you do if your spouse does not want to open lines of communication to reconcile and is determined to divorce?