Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 47 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 46 47
BTinTrouble #2378285 05/23/10 10:17 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
SWEET!! Thanks Mel, I got one right... NO AO's!!

hurray

Also, what is your plan on getting the OM's wife's information? Have you come up with a plan to get that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2378289 05/23/10 10:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
I got her name, am searching it right now and did about an hour searching last night.

I dont know how to spell it...

How many ways are there to spell Marcy?


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2378290 05/23/10 10:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
W let the OMW's name slip during a story yesterday when we went shopping all together as a family...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2378291 05/23/10 10:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
It can be Marcie, so you can look that up too. Look up a babynames website, and go to the girl section and click on M...


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
BTinTrouble #2378292 05/23/10 10:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
This VAR is quite interesting...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2378293 05/23/10 10:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
BT, I would also be thinking about next steps. If you get the goods, I would plan on confronting her and demanding she end her affair, followed by a widespread exposure.

If you don't get any thing on the VAR, can you swing a PI?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


BTinTrouble #2378294 05/23/10 10:51 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Do you have someone who can drive by your house while you are gone and get photos of them together in your home?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2378297 05/23/10 11:01 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
Hmmm... I might, PI might be easier though. Just like she doesnt have many friends down here, I dont really either.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2378300 05/23/10 11:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
Widespread exposure, I am already accumulating addresses. We have many friends and family who have been moving and such, that we mostly keep in contact via facebook / email / phone, so addresses are hard to come by. I want to send paper.

Still working on Marci, or sons name, have that too


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2378301 05/23/10 11:13 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
Oddly, she hasnt taken off to be alone at night for, well... 5 days maybe? Not sure.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2378302 05/23/10 11:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
What about neighbors? I have been making it a point to be more friendly to people last 5 months or so, and its kinda payed off. Couple of the neighbors are real comfy coming over.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2378319 05/24/10 03:45 AM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
She says stuff like, "I guess I will be taking this item since I will have Son and will need it," about a lot of things as we unpack. She has also acted as if its a forgone conclusion that she gets Son. She tries to say that its because I am the H and I have a job so she will be the more available parent, but she plans to work as soon as she can find a job and I happen to not think its a forgone conclusion.

I am wondering, does an Affair make it more likely that the faithful spouse gets custody?


she says this stuff because right now she is a vile creature with no respect for you whatsoever, because you actually sat there while she and her lover worked to gether to con you into believing they were not in an affair and you actually listened to it. You haven't stood up to her...yet.

I really hope you get something good on the VAR this week, but even if you don't i hope you realize it is time you took control here. Exposure will give you control, it will also send a lot of those panicky feelings away.

Your WW is in her fantasy dream world where OM comes in and takes your place as your child's father and they live happily ever after swooning in their love. She is gonna hate you for ruining her little fantasy, but your marriage is pretty much over if you don't take thse vital steps to take control.

I see you were asking about how to respond to her anger. You need to buy the book Surviving an Affair and read it this week, it will tell you how to handle these types of situations. You really at a minimum need to read the boook this week if you are going to wait to expose till you return.

Please, please, read that book this week.

Everything is going to be ok BT.

SWW

BTinTrouble #2378321 05/24/10 03:47 AM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
What about neighbors? I have been making it a point to be more friendly to people last 5 months or so, and its kinda payed off. Couple of the neighbors are real comfy coming over.

Good,

Maybe they will see something like OM at the house while you are gone, but better, once you have exposed WW won't be able to have OM over if she knows neighbors watching.

SWW

BTinTrouble #2378334 05/24/10 06:28 AM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Oddly, she hasnt taken off to be alone at night for, well... 5 days maybe? Not sure.


Marcy is keeping him busy.


BTinTrouble #2378343 05/24/10 06:58 AM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Oddly, she hasnt taken off to be alone at night for, well... 5 days maybe? Not sure.

Oddly enough no......

How long ago did the OM come to your house to tell you it was not an affair and they were just friends?

I think around the same time. They are either just cooling it for a minute until the heat dies down or have gone deeper underground so you are not suspicious is my guess.

BTinTrouble #2378433 05/24/10 10:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
I know what an EA is. I understand MB and why its bad. However, how do I explain it to non-MB friends and family? Do "normal" people just "get" that 60 hrs a month on the phone with someone is not cool?

Normal people GET that DATING somebody else's wife is wrong. Despicable. Nasty. Adulterous.

Normal people get that 60 hours a month on the phone together is a form of dating.

Normal people get that it's wrong to date someone else's husband or wife, even if they've never heard the term "emotional affair." The concept or the term may be new to you, but I assure you there are lots of people who have never heard of Marriage Builders who think this way.

Do you believe it's normal for married people to date other people?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
BTinTrouble #2378885 05/25/10 07:44 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 76
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 76
Re: Oddly, she hasnt taken off to be alone at night for, well... 5 days maybe? Not sure.

Lots of reasons this might be. Regardless, time with you and not alone or with OM is a good thing.

You are out of town now anyways so the VAR(s) is/are in place, and you have stepped up your willingness to get information and all of that is a good thing. Keep the course.

While you are away, don't forget to stay in touch with your W, keep the contact up as you have been, attempt to keep meeting her ENs while you are away and avoid LBs that can come up when a spouse travels.

Don't forget that the VAR is there so two points to consider: 1) If you talk to her too much/too long while she is in the room with the VAR, you may run out of recording times/battery life.
2) If you call her while she is at home where the VAR is and speak with her briefly, if she is having an EA with OM, your call may very well help trigger her to call OM after you call, this getting you more relevant info on the VAR. When she uses OM to talk about her M with you, a call from you can easily be a trigger to get her to call OM.

It is manipulating the situation but your goal is information so consider it an option. You can hope & pray you get the right few minutes on the VAR with her on the phone with OM, or you can gently provide her with the triggers you know will prompt a call to OM when you know she is somewhere near the VAR.

Godspeed BT.


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
Thanks LorG and others.

I have come to the point (THANKS SO MUCH MARKOS!!) that I can believe that other people will "know" that the phone records are enough. The VAR is neat and all, but I have come to realize that you guys are right, I dont need whatever evidence it may provide. It can help if it gives me evidence of a PA or something, but I already know its an EA, and have enough evidence to show any sane person that its an EA.

I still dont believe there is a PA, just for the record, so that if there is and I have to come on here and tell you guys, you can wag your fingers and "We told you so..."

Anyway...

Thanks a ton Mel and SWW and Mark for his SEVERAL posts and infinate patience.


Today:

Well, yesterday, left her home very happy, she had her hair done before I left so she wouldnt have to get child care for son to do it later, she asked ME how it looked and I honestly told her how lovely she looks. Talked to her on the phone between flights, had her giggling her happy giggle I used to hear all the time. Flight delays got me stuck in another town. She called me and woke me up and we talked for a bit, I just let her vent about the day and taking care of son alone. Tried to be supportive etc, she hung up smiling.

Then called her when I arrived at her request, again, hung up smiling, and again, at her request, called her before bed and she told me all about the day and vented some. Drew some feelings out of her.

She is very nervous about job interview on Wednesday. A job or SOMETHING outside the house and our children is something I DO want for her and have always been supportive of her doing something with herself, so while she currently is more motivated to get a job so she can fund leaving, I still want to support her getting one since its something I would have supported anyway.

Does this make sense?

Regardless, I have been going with my gut and being supportive of the things that I would have supported prior to any of this stuff.

She appreciated the support and encouragement, told her have a good night, hope she sleeps well, and she said "I hope you sleep well, too" which seems lame to write out, but she hasnt said anything like that in a while. So I liked it.

So, maybe you guys are right, and the smile I hear in her voice and saw on her face before I left is only cuz she cant wait to feel OM all over her, or maybe Plan A behavior is working a little bit.

I dont know, it seems like when she is distracted and forgets to stay mad that she starts to smile and be happy when I do nice things. Its only when something somehow reminds her "oh yeah, I am supposed to hate him" that she gets cold again.

K, I am working on the letter for exposure. Generic one that I will personalize for many of the people, but basic generic template. Will post it here in a bit for review.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2379409 05/26/10 12:17 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
Just typed the whole thing... lost it...

/sigh

Here we go again.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2379410 05/26/10 12:44 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 76
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 76
faint

Page 8 of 47 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 46 47

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5