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Originally Posted by lousygolfer
Markos:

You said this about her printing out the "abuse" info:

Quote
I think the fact that she is printing out stuff like this to give you is GREAT because it shows she still isn't giving up on the marriage!


This is HORRIBLE news. She didn't print it out to have a discussion with IG to work out the problems in the marriage.

She printed it out to provide more support to her reasons for throwing him out of the house. "He abused me" is very powerful. And leaves IG at a disadvantage. Even if he was not the perfect husband, with her "ugly-colored, rewriting marital history" glasses, EVERYTHING IG did wrong is now "abuse".

And she went looking for MORE info, so that she can PAD the story.

IG: Do not get drawn into those types of discussions right now. Her Sunday was FILLED with attempts on her part to get you to respond to her in a negative manner. You did well to avoid this.

You may need to go purchase a Voiced Activated Recorder, and carry it on you when you think there is going to be possible negative interaction, which can be AT ANY TIME.

And its better to have on tape what was happening BEFORE the voices are raised. SHe is looking for the excuse to get you removed.

LG

I see what you are saying, LG, and you are probably right.

Regardless, I agree with your advice, which I bolded: "Do not get drawn into those types of discussions right now."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by lousygolfer
Her Sunday was FILLED with attempts on her part to get you to respond to her in a negative manner. You did well to avoid this.

Yes, you did GREAT, igrip!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Igrip
So, when she finds out I countered, she is going to be furious right? What is my 'explanation?" How do I make it sound like 'i am still the good guy.'

Well...since you don't want to talk about the divorce the last thing you want to do is argue about your aggressive counter-claim.

Thus...please notice how SHE massaged you just the other day by saying the below:

Originally Posted by Igrip
There is a 'restraining' section to my divorce which my wife claims is just 'typical' and 'normal' and that she would never 'enforce' that unless she was afraid for her life. I told her that I have never given her any reason for that and I was insulted that was even in there..she claims she had no idea and it is just standard.

You'll be saying the same stuff.

"Oh...it's just 'typical' and 'normal (just like the restraining language in your filing)"

"My attorney's in charge of that...I have no clue why she said all that"

[SHOCKED] "I have no idea what the papers even say...I just signed them unread"



Another BIG one...since your papers will be stating you want everything...you'll say:

"Wait just a minute...you know I don't want this divorce and don't want to talk about it with you at all...but just the other day you said I could have primary custody, the house, and most of the money if I just let you out...what do my papers say that's inconsistent with what you said you wanted? I THOUGHT I was cooperating with your wishes"

You see...you FEIGN cooperation...but you don't actually cooperate. Just like she's feigning she has your interests at heart when all she cares about is OM.


Another thing MAY be at play here.

You said her attorney told her to break things off with OM. She MAY be honoring that wish which is why she's in such a big hurry to settle this thing. However, waywards don't typically honor ANYONE's request for "no contact" so I think it's possible that OM told her that he didn't want to continue the relationship until she is actually divorced (or has it all settled). He MAY have even dumped her and she just thinks she has to divorce you before she can get him back. It's possible she's so distraught and moody...because she's in withdrawal and even your minimal lack of cooperation and "not giving up" are telling her that she's not going to be divorced anytime soon no matter what she does. Why else would an entitled wayward wife offer her betrayed husband the moon as far as custody and $$$$....it's ALL ABOUT THE AFFAIR...that's why. She NEEDS out NOW to save it.

Just speculation.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Interesting OM theory..could be correct. She is definitely in the withdrawal from him..read Dr. Harleys book section on that yesterday and he describes her behavior to a T. And BTW, Marriage Builders crew strikes another chord...and is correct again. Read on.

This afternoon, came home and just acted normal. Had a session with my counselor today and those always makes me feel better as well (Al Turtle...amazing guy and I love talking to him).

Regardless, I went outside to mow and then took a break to hang out with the girls. My wife started telling me how she figured out why she was angry all day yesterday - because she 'offered' me the moon (me staying in the house, daughter staying here, her moving) and realized that was not practical or feasible. She was just mad at offering that since it obviously would not work. I just listened to her statements, validated what she was saying and listened some more (per my counselor, I need to become a super active listener for her).

She also mentioned how a few 'friends' that I exposed to have dropped her from Facebook. She didn't see the use of the exposure still, but I did not apologize for what I did at all. She told me a few unrelated stories throughout the afternoon as well..I just nodded and listened. She asked how my counseling session went and I told her that "I learned lots" and left it at that. Played with my daughter till just now and she is getting put to bed now. So, that was my day.

Meeting with the lawyer later this week so I can put the next plan into action. I'm on board, but I am just so scared of what the future holds. As long as I get to stay home, I am confident (kind of, not really actually). My wife says I can stay..but I want to ensure that I do. Then, I drag and drag from then on right?

Last edited by igrip; 05/24/10 09:24 PM.
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Originally Posted by igrip
This afternoon, came home and just acted normal. Had a session with my counselor today and those always makes me feel better as well (Ed Turtle...amazing guy and I love talking to him).

AL Turtle? The Imago guy?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, Al Turtle..sorry about that. Why do you ask MelodyLane?

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Hi Igrip,

Just wanted to check in on ya.

I didn't arrive here with much in way of suggestions tonight, just wanted to tell ya more prayers for you tonight, but now I do have some suggestions based on your most recent post.

Is there anyway you can just call her some soon day and tell her your going out with they guys after work - like a baseball game, or something like it. I say this because I feel you have to put her on the defensive and just break that cycle of you come home and she chews at you Igrip. Get on your horse and get away from her for at least one night.

Another of my concerns Igrip, are you monitoring her possible contact with her OM still? From what I see you are taking her word due to her attorney advising her.

On the lighter side Igrip, I have a difficult situation with my W now. I started a container vegetable garden and man I am excited. We had a regular inground garden for several years when we had our house, but I have not had one now for ten years. This has helped me a great deal because I love gardening, even tho it is a challenge now doing it in containers here at our condo. Tonight when I went out aned watered it again the plants grew like about another inch. Hot, dry and sunny weather here now. It's not about ignoring her, it's about my mental attitude and not stewing and fretting and worrying about what I should do, and trying to renew my spirit in how do relate to her

Igrip, I am going to watch part of a movie tonight, and I feel confident I am doing the best I can for C, and I am going to sleep tight knowing that my plants ar growing, and before I fall asleep tonight I am going to say a prayer for you.

Oaky, thanks,

Tom



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Hey Igrip.

So there is no misunderstanding with you or any of the veterans here, I have not faced or been thru a divorce. My wife and I have had and now are having some serious problems in our marriage, but I did not face the D. When I post here it is to try to be more inspirational and encouraging rather than talking from expeience, so as not to at all mislead you.


The true guys here from what I have seen are MrW, Melody, Jim, SDWc ( not sure if i have those names correct). But I do feel you need both now - advice from experience and also inspitation.

Just being honest but you are in my prayers,
but jeez get on your horse.

Tom






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Tom, You are a great person..thank you for the thoughts, prayers and 'lighter' side notes smile

I will actually going to dinner on wednesday with a lawyer (not the bulldog, just a family friend who is good with advice and supportive).

I have not been able to monitor any contact with the OM..passwords on everything. I can only hope....he has been off any forums lately though (I have checked about 4-5 of them that he usually frequents..he seems to have disappeared).

Today, was a pretty good day. She just came in to say goodnight. Asked me if I wanted to watch a show - I told her I would if she could not sleep in a bit (we haven't sat together watching TV since this stuff started) Told me about baby going to sleep and I nodded and listened. I am reading and learning as I have been every night for the past month..reading books, papers, taking notes, etc. Bettering myself. It is before 10 and I forsee myself going to bed early. Sleeping is good these days...better than the first few weeks for sure. Thankfully. Goodnight all.

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And this morning, she is all mad about exposure. How I did not need to get others involved. How I hurt their and OM friendship. How she feels bad for the friends that know.

I just nodded and listened. What I wanted to say was that she should apologize herself and why doesn't she feel bad about her husband that was directly HURT about the affair? But I did not.

AND the fog is real, not like it is any surprise on here. Last night, I had a bad feeling..so I asked her point blank 'if she had any contact with the OM since the lawyer told her not to 10 days ago. She started tearing up and telling me what she told him the last time they spoke. Makes me sick..she can tear up and cry about OM but when I am upset, she shows nothing.

Ah well, part of the withdrawal, part of the process, part of the plan...but disconnecting myself is so hard as is not taking this stuff personally. I am and will continue becoming a stronger person because of this experience.

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And not to worry, my appointment with the 'big dog' attorney is on thursday morning. Still going to plan...just filling in the current events. More comments, advice, thoughts is always welcome...thank you.

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Right now, all day, she is mad about the exposure part. All part of the plan and process of withdrawal? This site is addictive...I cannot wait until I am of clear mind and happy marriage and I can start helping like everyone is doing for me.

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Hang in there igrip.


Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Of course she is angry about the exposure. You knew she would be. You were right to do it though as it is your best tool. She will get over it, and possibly one day she may thank you for doing it. Keep fighting the good fight.


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Hi Igrip,

Pulling for you still, but you are the person who has to make the decisions.

Tomatoe and pepper plants are growing well.

Just concerned, okay, and just wanting to wish you well.

Tom

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Meeting with the big dog attorney tomorrow morning. Any specific things I need to find out/ask for/etc?

This week has been relatively uneventful. Her mother in law agrees with me that she is angry, off and in withdrawal right now. I think I have an ally with her, but since it is her mother, I cannot guarantee that she is.

Thank you...keep the suggestions and tips coming...I have trouble going through this alone. This site keeps me relatively 'sane.'

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Never make the mistake of trusting her family.

Be a dog!!!

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Hey Igrip,

Never having to face a divorce I cannot honestly advise as far as the technical stuff.

I really do feel at this point is that If I were in your situation I would focus on your daughter now and what is right for both you and her. If it means being proactive, harsh and determined, then so be it.

The only thing I can say to you is this. I have raised two kids with my wife. You are a young dad with a very young dau. You have to think in terms of about 20 years from now. No matter what happens right now, she may very well as a young woman at age 22 ask you if you did the right thing for her way back in 2010. I was faced with similar, not the same tho, when my wife attempted suicide several times back in the late 80's and the 90's. Several times during those incidents I had to put C out of my mind honestly. I felt guilty for it then. I did that so I could focus on our young kids at the time. I ignored her frantic phone calls and her requests to come home too soon. I think back then I went to a Plan B without even knowing anything about a real Plan B. Just intuition. There were times I did not even go to talk to her counselor when he requested me to (not her MD psychiatrist because he is very good and does Not believe in counseling). Both she and her counselor were trying to blame me and that was wearing on me.

Just fast forward Igrip, today I have a very close relationship with my son and daughter. They call me lots. Both of them have told me in a round about way that they feel when their Mom was not around that I taught them values and that they appreciated me in trying to instill the values that they feel they now have. Both of them always tell me on phone or when we are together that they love me and that is damn so good to hear now.

Igrip, I am fortunate that in my life I have never had to have the prospect of someone else being a part of raising my kids or pleasing my wife if she had wanted to part. I say this with all respect for what you are going thru. To be honest, I could not have stood this and would have gone ballistic.

The only thing I can advise you on Igrip is just look in your daughter's eyes tomorrow right before you go to meet with your 'bulldog' and then make your decision.

You are going to get many prayers tonight from me, but jeess Igrip get a grip...

Tom





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Just reread all 32 pages of my thread. I've come a long way in under a month. Jeez, this has sucked.

Tomorrow morning, meet with the bulldog. Will go 'fight' for my marriage. I'm really scared inside..but understand that this is the only hope I have. Will keep everyone posted on what transpires......

Please keep the good words coming my way....I check this thread often to give me a boost. Thanks.

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Igrip. Always remember...blood is thicker than water. Don't trust her family. Believe me, they would choose their grand daughter over you.

A real fighter will never put himself into a vunerable position. Go for the kill here. It may help your wife come to her senses.

Go for the AoA and scream adultery in the courthouse. Let OM know he will be called to court.

Don't be a kitty here. You are fighting for your daughter.

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