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I have been interfering too much by telling him to stay away from WH and OW and not come over for the summer. I want to protect him, but I am wrong doing that.
Blessing I've got more confusion: if you are staying away from WH, then how come your son has to stay away from you in order to stay away from WH?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Your son is 19 years old. He's an adult. He has his own life now. He may come home for a while after college but not to stay. Your work is is done - it's time for him to to spread his wings and make a life for himself. Thank you Tabby, but i do not agree with this and with the people who posted along the same lines. This is the exact way my WH is thinking...and this is what he used when he announced to me he wanted to separate back in July 2008 (when he was already in the A but denied it). He said that now our son was almost ready to move out and be in college and it was a good time for us to split since our son WILL NOT be needing us to be together any longer, that he is an independent kid (which my H always encouraged...just to get him out of his air he sent when my son was stillin HS he sent him on vacation 3 times with his best friend against my will...) Sorry, but I do not support this kind of talk. Kids always need their parents to be together. blessing I don't think you understand. First of all, the best way you can get yourself and your husband back together is by following a real plan B: staying apart. You could do that for your son. Second of all, your son is an adult and needs to make his own decisions, whether you believe it or not. Just because your husband used it to justify his perverted idea of ending your marriage does not mean that it is not true. Nobody here thinks that way. I am in my thirties, and it would harm me immensely for my father to be in contact with my insane wayward mother. Immeasurably. Like hope's daughter, the best thing for me has been to have no contact with my mother. For twenty years. I would go insane if my father tried to meddle in my adult life in that way and pressure me to have a relationship with this damaging woman. He can allow her to destroy him if he wishes, but it would not be fair to drag me into it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You know what I have realized atena, that I have been communicating with WH about DS, against Plan B.....I have just completely given up any reconciliation with WH, even if he came back {not) I just could never trust him, he has done to much to me...
Anyway, this communicating has actually made me disgusted with him....the more I communicate with him, the more I dont like anything about him anymore and maybe thats a good thing...I am not necessarily agreeing with you communicating with him, if you have any hope left for you M, I am saying dont do it....you may end up hating him....JMHO
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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I was just thinking if it might be better for our son if H and I just talked on a very business like basis. My son is 19 and is in college and he never really sees us now except for holidays. Atena, have you lost your mind? Even seeing your H at work sends you into the ozone and keeps you triggered and devastated. It is ridiculous to think there is any benefit to anyone for you to be in contact. Your son can still speak to both of you whenever he wants and that is all that is necessary. There is absolutely nothing you could say to your H that would make anything better for your son. I have not spoken to my XH for 10 years and it has not affected my son ONE BIT. And he was 17 when we divorced. Your son is a grown man now and he can well deal with parents who are separated.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I was just thinking if it might be better for our son if H and I just talked on a very business like basis. My son is 19 and is in college and he never really sees us now except for holidays. Atena, have you lost your mind? Even seeing your H at work sends you into the ozone and keeps you triggered and devastated. It is ridiculous to think there is any benefit to anyone for you to be in contact. Your son can still speak to both of you whenever he wants and that is all that is necessary. There is absolutely nothing you could say to your H that would make anything better for your son. I have not spoken to my XH for 10 years and it has not affected my son ONE BIT. And he was 17 when we divorced. Your son is a grown man now and he can well deal with parents who are separated. This is true
Last edited by barbiecat; 05/14/10 11:21 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I know I will not be able to talk to H now nor be ok seeing him on a daily basis.
However I am conviced that all the frustration and all the difficulty I am having is because of the story I keep telling myself about him...such as: what a jerk he is and was, what he did to me, how could he....etc..
These stories keep me trapped in feelings I do not want. I do not want to have those poison feelings in me.
With time I want to achieve a state in which I no longer care what he did to me. As I am much more than just a BS.
I know I am not ready for it now. But I am certainly working on it. I want to be able to forgive and be above this pathetic
soap opera he staged.
blessing
atena
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With time I want to achieve a state in which I no longer care what he did to me. As I am much more than just a BS.
I know I am not ready for it now. But I am certainly working on it. I want to be able to forgive and be above this pathetic
soap opera he staged.
blessing Atena, what you are describing is an exercise in mental masturbation. Your bad feelings about your husband are a natural, healthy reaction to an abuser. He abused you for years so this is your emotions warning you to stay away. And they are right! The reason you have a poisonous narrative in your head is because your husband *IS* poisonous. That is reality. Changing the narrative will not change the reality. The only solution I see for you is to a) accept reality b) accept that your attitude towards your husband is a natural, sane reaction to a person who has abused and harmed you and c) stay the hell away from him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi all,
I have been off MB for a while and have been trying to get my H out of my head completely and it is working very well. I seldom think of him now.
However, my friends, I need your advice on this one.,,
I rarely open Facebook but I did today to check a message from a friend. A
On my Wall, I see a pic of WH with another woman (not OW) this other woman does canoe competitions with him and he was flirting with her way back when I was also canoeing. I also saw that there were videos of the last competition he did and could not resist but click on one of them and there he was after having won the race all smiles and as happy as a clam.
OK, here is the question....the pic was posted by my sister in law with the comment "My brother Jeff".
My SIL is on my side in fact I am going to visit her in august. What was she thinking? WH and this woman are not hugging or anything romantic, but it IS a pic of my H with another woman right on my wall!
I am just puzzled...Plus the videos...does she want to show me he is doing well and he is very very happy without me? She is really not that type at all and I doubt that that is her intention...but what the h@ll.
Maybe WH sent the pic to her with his spin of the story...he is finally opening up to people maybe...
Please please let me know what you think....!!!
Blessing
Last edited by atena; 05/27/10 06:43 AM.
atena
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atena:
If this woman has been a positive force for you by and by, I would chalk this one up as an accidental oversight.
If you are on good terms with her, you may add a private sidenote to her, maybe using a little sarcasm "gee! that was a lovely photo. Byt the way, who was Lone Rangers horse?? TRIGGER?"
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Thank you Barbie. I am tempted to send her this message....playing dumb and saying: Hi Mary, please, please please do not take this as a criticism, but a pic of your brother and another woman (posted by you) is on my wall. Since I do not use facebook that much, is there a way I can get rid of it from my wall?...since it is not very uplifting...
I love you
Atena
What do you all think?
atena
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Was it actually posted to your wall? Or was it in your news feed as something that she posted or uploaded? If it is posted on your wall, you can delete it.
I would be honest with her and just let her know that it hurts you to see or hear anything about WH and ask her to not tag you in any pic of him or stuff like that. If she really has been in your corner, she isn't going to want to do anything that will harm you. I am almost sure that this is just an oversight on her part.
Take care.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Thank you Barbie. I am tempted to send her this message....playing dumb and saying: Hi Mary, please, please please do not take this as a criticism, but a pic of your brother and another woman (posted by you) is on my wall. Since I do not use facebook that much, is there a way I can get rid of it from my wall?...since it is not very uplifting...
I love you
Atena
What do you all think? Atena, I would just delete it. She didn't do it to hurt you and you need her on your side.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Scotland, thank you for your post.
I do not agree about the oversight....why would she want to post a pic of her brother with someone else? She can tell that her brother is not alone in the picture! There were many other pictures I am sure she could have picked but she picked that one....(I am only guessing but I am sure my H has posted many pics from the race and since SIL is a facebook friend of H she could have selected any other one.....)
I am just puzzled....
OK, this is what I am thinking....WH dumped neighbor OW and is now with this new one. Since this new one is not the cause of the end of my M, he is planning to slowly introduce her to the world and has told SIL that she will meet this OW soon. Maybe SIL is trying to ease her in...
blessing
atena
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Atena, are you looking at this facebook and triggering yourself? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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NO, I never do facebook, I just happened to get an email from a friend telling me to look at some of her pics.
I am just wondering my my SIL has turned cruel and i am worried because I am spending a couple of weeks with her in august...I am afraid she drank WH cool aid.
My H has a plan and it is to show himself with OWs so that he gets out scott free from having had an A for a long long time with the neighbor. This is what is getting me really upset. It is a trigger, sure. But unplanned.
blessing
atena
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It seems to be the consesus of other posters that your SIL did not do this on purpose...and I agree.....Your WH may have had his own agenda, but it could have easily been an oversight on your SIL part...JMHO
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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NOI am spending a couple of weeks with her in august...I am afraid she drank WH cool aid.
My H has a plan and it is to show himself with OWs so that he gets out scott free from having had an A for a long long time with the neighbor. This is what is getting me really upset. It is a trigger, sure. But unplanned. Atena, are you concerned that this is going to trigger you terribly being around his sister??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No no no you guys....! What is wrong with you all...?
Do you really believe that my SIL did not NOTICE my H was in the pic with another woman????
OK, I can grant that she did not know it was also going to show up on my wall, but I question also why she would want a pic like that on HER wall?
Helloooo, why in the world whould she post a pic of him with a woman when she knows the whole world knows he is having an A and the whole world is going to wonder if she is the A partner????
I don't know if I am making sense...or if I am just being thick..
blessing
atena
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No, you are making sense, atena.....I dont know if I see it that way though, but you know SIL better than me, so.....I think your WH definitly did it on purpose, maybe he spun it to make it look like you wouldnt care because he was with a different OW. He did it on purpose, but I am not sure if she did....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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He just does not care. Someone took his picture with her and he posted it. I think if anything he is showing the world his true colors. A womanizer. Whatever he spins the truth remains and it will show more and more as time goes by.
By the way...he looks at least 10 years older on that picture...that means that in 8 months he aged 10 years.
blessing
atena
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