I don't understand ... do you think this is different from the way it went for all the people who successfully recovered their marriages here?

Have you read any of the stories of people who have successfully recovered their marriages?

I hope you are right Markos, I hope you are right. It feels pretty dire at the moment. There are so many stories which is a good thread to read. Can you post a link please?

Botany, you are being really hard to work with. You are posting the shortest comments possible, and then when I ask for clarification I barely get any.

We cannot help you unless we get a clear picture of what is going on. For example, what does this mean?


How did you come to speak to OM? Did you phone him? What did you say, and what did he say to make you think it is all over for you? Why is he dictating what will happen in your marriage?

How is his marriage a marriage of convenience? I can think of only one reason for that: immigration. If this was a sham marriage, report it and get him deported. If you do not mean immigration, then tell us why his wife describes her marriage like that.

If, as you say, you have forced them together, then it is better it happened quickly than you were gaslighted for months, only to find yourself moved out of your own home and financially supporting their affair.

Look into suing for adultery and getting WW out of the home. Your children, though, must stay with you.

Botany,

Speak again with OMW, she may be able to direct you to prior affair partners of his, reveal this to your W, she is just another bead on his string.

Is he an older man?

God Bless
Gamma

Try this one for starters.

Man up, Botany!

Gamma, yes he is on his second long term relationship. First marriage ended in divorce and this is his third affair. He is an older more senior work colleague. 55 I think.

Work collegue?

Did you expose to HR?

Keep your calm game face on...read about Love Busters and do not perform any of those. Set up a good plan A.

You are doing okay with exposure, but follow through with the OM parents, and if needed use facebook to email all your wifes friends that she is in an adulturous affair with a coworker and you need their influence to help stop it. Even if no one helps the knowlege your wife has that everyone knows will kill off her fantasy secret life.

Here is my story of how this worked for me, and so far things are successful!

Wheels Successful Story

What risk is there to trying these concepts out? Will your wife cheat on you?

If you do not try and protect yourself, your kids, and your house, you will lose everything.

Yes have you exposed more? If not then DO SO!

Your wife will never leave her kids, and if she decides to leave, you need to let her know that they will be with you not her, she is the one the messed up not you! you can fight for your kids, go see a layer and bring him all the evidence!

You have not lost Botany! What ever the OM is telling you is ALL lies! Do not trust him!

She is thinking about coming home tonight, the kids will be coming back for a couple of nights regardless before they go off on a holiday with their grandparents - this was arranged ages ago. She has told me to prepare myself for the worst though.

So what is a Plan A?

In terms of what I said to OM, I said he was no good for my wife because of his track record, he is living in a fantasy and being immature he was angry with me for telling his partner as he was planning to let her down gently and just leave. And he would continue to pursue my wife and would do what is right for her and my kids!!! blah blah I just assumed the worst and though it was all over, you know what they say about assumptions.

So Plan A - BTW My W knows about this site.

It's way too early for your WW to know about this site. You've given away your playbook.

Well like a lot of things it is too late now...

How did you come to give your thread its title, if you do not know what Plan A is?

Have you read around the site as people have urged you to do since Monday? In the Infidelity section of Dr Harley's columns, there is an article explaining "What are Plan And Plan B?" Why not read it?

Ok I have read that, but it was the you need a "Good" plan A that made me ask the question. Are there different versions?

Nope. There is a GOOD Plan A and then a Plan A that is plagued with LBs and no filling of ENs. That might be the state of many marriages BEFORE MB.

Have you figured out what your WWs ENs are and the LBs you have been guilty of committing in the past and PLANS for not committing them anymore.

Do you need help in figuring out ways to meet her ENs? Is this what you are asking about?

OK I do know what her Ens are, but over the last few months I have been smoothering her and been being needy, which are love busters I now realise.

She is still angry with me about the exposure so if/when she comes back I need to be cool, no demands apart from NC, angry outbursts, no trying to put her right, no long conversations about the affair etc.

So figure out what they are so your energy is making deposits instead of withdrawals.

PLAN A:
Meet her ENs
Avoid Love Busters
Have no expectations

That's the carrot...

Expose, expose, expose
Make the affair harder and the marriage easier
Have no expectation

And the stick.

That's about it...

Sure your WW is upset-- You just screwed up her A situation.

THIS ALWAYS happens. Let her just stew. Stop engaging the OM, what do you think you are gong to do? talk sense into him?

This man has taken your life as you know it and blown it to h$ll. He did this deliberately. Do you really think he is going to care what you say now??? ...or ever?

Forget him.

Do not engage in any conflict, name calling, blaming or LB or DJ right now. It is not your fault your WW has consequences, it sits on her shoulders, alone.

You should NOT attempt to shield her from it. This is called "just deserts." You can show empathy, but not guilt.

Of course they are going to appear "closer" now. The after effect of the exposure has not even started yet.

It's extraordinarily common for folks to start out posting here with an extremely rudimentary understanding of the concepts and think they understand better than they do.

I know, because I did it. But I see people do it with plan A/plan B in particular all the time.

It's a good day when somebody realizes they don't actually understand and have to ask! That's the beginning of turning things around.

This guy is a sick turd. He should never be exposed to your children. EVER. Botany, if you want to make it, you need to continue to fight this affair and not let up.

I am concerned that you are coming across as apologetic for doing the right thing and exposing the affair. THAT WOULD BE A HUGE MISTAKE. If you wimp out then you are handing turdboy and your wife the ammunition with which to shoot you. You cannot do that.