I sent the message to SIL. She responded apologizing:
this is her message:
I am so sorry atena, I thought that the woman he was with was part of his rowing team. It did not occur to me that people would see something different than rowing. But, you are right! I will remove the picture immediately. Up on the right hand corner of the picture that I posted on your stream-- a delete button will emerge if you scroll over-- just in case it does not disappear after I delete. Atena, I am sorry. I will be more sensitive when I post pictures. Love, Mary
I think this is good, she is still on my side and I feel better.
No, I have no problem visiting her. The reason I wanted it removed from my wall is because I just do not want to have pics of my WH with OW floating around while I am still M to him. It is simply a matter of good taste...and respect for myself.
blessing

I am sorry I need some support here.
I did something very very stupid. I went on the website of the rowing club my WH is part of. They posted 248 pics of their last turnament.
There was WH is several pics looking buff and in others he was talking to several women.
No sign of OW till pic 248, the last one, where she is in a group pic in front of the ferry but WH was not in it, he was probably taking the pic. They took a ferry to go to the competition place so she probably picked him up at the ferry but did not go with him to the competition.
Needless to say all those pics were a mighty trigger.
I have been sobbing uncontrollably for 3 hours. I feel as if my heart is breaking the pain was so big and still is. My stomach is twisting, I feel like the world has ended.
Why did I do that to myself? you can be honest, I will take it.
Please, I need some workds of encouragement, some help...thank you!
blessing

bump---please help!

bump--please help

Atena,

The reason you did it is you SO badly want to know what he is up to. You SO badly want him to quickly snap to and be the guy you want him to be.

You are not in a true B.

You need to find a way to remember this pain of peeking and to let that guide you to NOT ever, ever, ever do so.

It is misery for you. Does nothing to him. Misery is not the way to go. You are able to fight the urge and move forward to good times.

Fight that urge. Perhaps put a rubber band on your wrist like a person trying to fight any other sort of habit and snap it when you are tempted.

Atena. You are taking so very long to get out of the grief because you are surrendering to the temptation to peek, check out and to find ways to know what is up with him.

I know a bit of what you are going through because I have felt many of the same temptations and thoughts. Closing the doors to the Wayward as much as possible though brings me peace of mind and I choose that. You choose that too please. Choose Atena over choosing finding out a bit about him here and there. Choose yourself.

Now, be kind to yourself for keeping tabs but resolve to do so no longer!

Yes, you are right I do want to know what he is up to ...it has been almost 9 months without a word from him and you are right I am ripe for him to snap out of it and come back to the M.
I see him so happy in those pics and having such a great time. I just was imagining him to be miserable...he probably is inside...but he is also having fun
I am not respecting myself at all....I would not do this to anybody...
thank you for your help
blessing

Atena,

Everytime you deliberately peek at WH and his activities, you are deliberately hurting yourself. BTDT. This will eventually result in you loosing your love for him. Not in the quiet, fade away thing, but in a way that could make you grow to hate him. Your too nice to turn into a shrew

Leave him alone and concentrate on you. You much more important.

Hi Lill, actually when I see pics of him I like him more..my love seem to come back full force...I do not hate him at all, I just know that what he looks for in relationship now boils down to bachelor activities and a girlfriend he sees when he pleases.
He does not behave like the H I knew. But I do not hate him

blessing

Hmm, i wonder if it is because with the picture you are remembering him as he was, not as he he is? I had something similar for a while where a pic could make me feel tender towards DH but being 5 mins in his presence tempted me to murder

I still think that if a pic triggers you in this way then it is a BAD thing to keep looking at them. Things that make you cry now, are the things that will be your PTSD/triggers later on. I got heart palpitations a few days ago just from seeing the name of a town on a sign

I used to think a little bit of these things was ok (breaking a dark Plan B) but after seeing the end result on 2 different occasions now, I firmly believe being totally dark is the best for the BS.

Atena, I am glad that your SIL understands what these "innocent" things may do to you and has decided to try to shield you from them.

ITA, you need to firm up your Plan B. I understand that at the beginning of this Plan B, you weren't totally dark. You started accomplishing that. Now you were starting to feel the FULL effects of a DARK Plan B. It is KILLER. You broke it in a way that only YOU knew about. By that I mean, WH didn't KNOW that you saw those pics. It only hurt you.

You do this to yourself because you miss him. You miss the man you love and married. He is NOT that man right now. He is a shell of a man. That shell looks a lot like your Dear Husband, but it is NOT. Have you read the book "the Host"? It is by Stephanie Meyers(author of "Twilight"). It is about an alien race that is like a parasite and attaches itself to the brain of the host. It takes over the body. When it is done, it discards it. I kind of think of WS like this. Something has taken over their body. They may be in there somewhere, but they would have to FIGHT to come out.

Atena, you are hurting yourself in the long run. I agree with Lil that you will slowly become a person who has NO love left for WH, but in a BAD way.

Today I am particularly down.
I have tons of homework, I am teaching a class that is full to the brim, I am commuting from 2 major cities here in Italy and I am really exhausted. I will yet to move again from yet another appartment on June 13. The house we put on sale has not sold yet and not offers seem to come in. I can't live there but keep paying my part of the mortgage
It is my birthday today and of course, being in plan b and WH not caring at all , I am not going to get anything from him. First time in 20 years.
Was I that terrible to deserve all this? I must be if he really kicked me to the curb...knowing all the stuff I have to deal with now...
sorry I had to vent/
blessing

Atena..Of course you didnt deserve this, bad things happen to good people all the time.....I am sorry you are feeling down, I can relate. Birthdays are hard....Try to do a little something for yourself today. Happy Birthday, sweetie....

I am down again today. It is taking me so long. I am so stressed out. I decided not to think about R the M at all but about R myself.
However, I am still in love with H and secretly hope he contacts me.
I have been in plan B for 9 months now and H has not even made a peep. He is plan Bing me totally.
How would this work....if the fog lifts he then has the urge to contact me??? I don't even know why I am asking this. I am just thinking how to Hs like mine ever think about R the M when the situation looks so hopeless...like: he will not fall back in love with me or miss me in a million years.

Hi Atena, I have been on vacation and just checking in on you.

It is ok to be in love with your H. I still have feelings for my real H not the alien he has become and it has been 2 years.

What you need to do is continue to protect yourself. It saves your own sanity.

Don't dwell about the fog lifting. Worry about today. It can overwhelming handling all of this on our own. You are capable.

I was always the very independant one in my M and I still am. What you are feeling is lonely and that is the culprit.

No situation is hopeless and there is a plan for us. Go look at Queenie's story. She is on the recovery board. It is not perfect but the fog had lifted and it is turning around after 2 years.

Blessings to you.

((((ATENA)))))

How many times have you SEEN your WH this week? Are you good about NOT seeing him anymore? I am sorry if you aren't working with him anymore. I only ask to see what to tell you. How to be encouraging.

I have those thoughts too. I feel like I need to do something to get my focus off of that. Sometimes, it is something simple and sometimes it's not.

thank you Hope and Scotty- I am lonely and miss him, that is the deal. I also have a hard time believing that the romance between WH and OW can last this long. Come on! we all know that the lovey dovey phase burns out pretty quickly.
What I suspect is that WH never told OW that I nuclear exposed him. She would feel very guilty if she knew (she is catholic)
I really do not know why the A is lasting this long...how he can have those strong feelings for her still...after all the shame and guilt he had to go thru.
He is either:
making himself believe he still is crazy about OW and has to work hard to keep the fantasy alive now that is no longer a secret
or
he really is in love with her at this point and the A is going to turn into a full relationship that will prosper...
blessing

You are going to make yourself crazy thinking about the why's. What can you do today to get your life closer to where you would like(without WH)? Are there things in your life(not including your WH) that you would like to change? Would you like to learn something different? Maybe take up a new language, or cooking? Have you ever had an interest in photography? If you improve your life, you will gain a HUGE amount of confidence. This will help you on your bad days and when those horrible thoughts come around.

Scotty,
without giving away too much info about myself:
--i am in a demanding graduate program
--i teach a demanding class
--on top of that I have a full time job
--i exercise regularly about 1 hour a day

I think my life is pretty full however I keep thinking about WH all the time.There are only a few minutes during the day when I do not.
At night I still wake up many times and it has been a while since I had a good night sleep.
I just want to know this. If there is no hope. If there isn't any then I would resign myself to having lost him
blessing

I understand that you are EXTREMELY busy. I was just talking about something that you could do that was different than you are currently doing that would give you some self confidence when you accomplish things. This way, you would feel better about your life TODAY. You would look forward to TOMORROW.