mckl, until you read the MB principles and understand what this forum is about, we can't help you. Yes, we all have been there - many of us are STILL here!

Read up on MB principles. If you follow these, your marriage has the chance of being saved. It is your BEST chance of having a better marriage.

People in affairs lie. It's what they do. Until you do something about stopping the affair (again, read the info on this site!), instead of making demands about the house, the lies will continue.

thanks for the advice all. I will read up on the MB information.

Being new to things, I have read alot of books. Some things I agree with, and some I don't. I am new to this forum, and have only read a few things here.

I hope I don't offend anyone with my thoughts. I am only trying to figure out my life

MCKL:

Think about this....

You DO sell the house in the next two months.

Are you going to sell at a profit? Will there be proceeds left over after paying for the loan?

What happens when you sell the house, and then, your fogged out, wayward wife, takes the proceeds from the sale and takes them to live with the OM. Becasue she is FREE now, and has cash...

You can make arrangements with her to purchase the next house, and you can have her consent, and if you do not walk from the sale of this house to the purchase of the new one, your proceeds are "POOF". As is your fogged out wife to the OM.

One of the principals of MB is that you make the MARRAIGE better than the AFFAIR. Right now, you are an ogre. Trying to sell this wonderful house that she loves so much. And OM? He is on the other end of the cell phone or the computer screen telling your WIFE that she is is "so much pain from your actions and *I* would NEVER treat you like that" or "sure, you can come here and stay, and be comfortable, I'll make sure that he can't get to you..." and "I really DO like your children, we can add on to this house!"

So who is winning that battle?

Not you.

And you WILL end up with seeing your children one night a week and every other weekend if you continue down this path.

STOP THE INSANITY.

You are in the right place to recover your marriage, and if NOT, then at least getting the best deal for you and your children. But you are making it real easy for HER to win.

1. Find out WHO the OM is. You have his phone number? Do a reverse number look-up, or hire a PI to get his address and name, and anything else he can dig up.
2. Find this guys wife, and tell HER about what is going on. Only your Fogged out WIFE has told you that he isn't marraied. And the OM could have certainly LIED to her. Saying he is "seperated" or "Divorced" or some other status besides married.
3. Start attacking the AFFAIR, not your WIFE. When the AFFAIR is dead, you have a SHOT at recovering your marriage.

LG

The first step basic step is exposure. Read up on it.

Exposure

Then depending on how full your love bank is determine what your next step is. Plan A or Plan B? Read up on it here:

What Are Plan A and Plan B - Article

Always keep reading up and come here to vent and ask questions about your situation.

For the Newly Betrayed

I agree with wheels (he's my hubby! listen to HIM!) You need to expose this A if it is still going on, you need to let EVERYONE know! Not little here little there, but ALL AT ONCE!

My first EA (emotional Affair) wheels didn't expose and guess what? 2 Months later I had ANOTHER EA!!

Your wife is still in the FOG, the only way to get her OUT of that fog is to EXPOSE to everyone! Family, Friends, Her family, Her Friends. If you do not expose the A then two things will happen.

1. She will still be in the A with this OM

Or

2. She will find another A

Your choice

1. Selling the House now is a bad idea, wait till the affair is actually ended or the divorce.

2. Your wife still has contact with this man, this is why she has not gone through withdrawal. Recovery can not begin wile the contact is ongoing.

3. You need to gather all the information you can on this man. For instance, I know the following about my wifes OM.
First Middle and Last Name
Social Security Number
Address
Parents names and address
X-wife and child's name
Employer and name of company owner
Car Make/Model and tag#
Criminal record.

You can get some of these things online, with a PI, or do a little PI work yourself.

4. You need to verify weather or not this man is married.

Now, questions.

Who is this man and how does your wife know him?
Who have you exposed to (Who nows about the affair)
Was the affair physical?
How old is OM?

All very interesting advice, and I will look into it. I do feel that I have a different opinion than most. Doesn't mean I am right. Also doesn't mean I'm an ogre.

If I need to hire a PI, my marriage is over. Nobody is worth the aggrevation. I do my share of snooping, but I will not go to such lengths.

I do not wish to expose her affair to the world. We have a life to live. The world doesn't need to know. Again, if she cannot control it, then we will end our marriage.

As for LG stating that I will see my kids once a week if I continue this path. Not going to happen. If she wants to try to take them, then she will lose everything.

You can expose the A and live life with your W and kids, or you can help her hide it and live without her. Your choice, absolutely.



That's not typically how it happens, but I hope you're right. The mother often gets primary custody. LG is correct. I know a lot of people in similar situations. None of the Dads have primary custody. They see their kids on weekends and holidays. The WW and her lover get them the rest of the time.

As the BS, you are certainly entitled to go straight to Plan D, which is what it looks like you're planning. Get a good lawyer, and good luck.

mckl:

I do not know what country you are in. If you are in the US, then what I am telling you is what applies. If you are elsewhere, then things might be different.

But waywards are the same everywhere.

Are you an Ogre? To your WW you are. Make your marraige better than the Affair. If you start fighting for your marriage following MB principles, you will become a KNIGHT.

Will you lose access to your children? In the US, it is more likely that you will have alot less time with them if you marriage ends. As a minimum, you will see them only 50% of the time.Yes, and you may win full custody. But it is tough for guys. It is getting better, but it is tougher...

Think about this in front of the judge:

WW: "Judge, I know that we have problems in this marriage, and much of it is due to my husbands anger, and he is scaring the children, and he even wants to SELL the house that the children have called home for so long, this is thier home, what they know and are comfortable with, and he wants to disrupt thier lives SO MUCH...."

mckl: "Judge: This is ALL her fault, I'm just trying to get her to agree to save in the marriage."

See the difference?

I agree that to truly recover your house, your going to have to sell that house. But there is a time in recovery to do THAT. It isn't until the affair is dead, withdrawal has occurred, and the woman that used to be your W starts to appear.

My BS wanted me to sell my van that I had SF with the OW in. It triggered her to be in that van. THen she realised this: "I had the A, and get a new car.... I don't Think SO!" So she got over her trigger about the van that way.

You don't wish to expose her Affair to the World. That's Ok. There are people that you need to expose it to to END the A. Your parents, her parents, employer, (if co-workers), your children in an age appropriate way, (Mommy has a boyfriend, and if your married, your not allowed to do that) and OM's Wife. That is the bare minimum. If you called the counselling center, they recommend a "Layered" approach to exposure. To those most helpful to ending the A first, and then to others if the A continues.

And there are plenty of threads here detailing the angry waywards phrases after exposure. Its like "Family Feud", We asked 100 wayward people what they said after exposure of thier affair, and the top 10 answers were: Exactly what your WW is going to say to YOU.

All you have to say is: "I will do what I have to do, to kill your A, and SAVE this marriage."

Also, you should snoop only to insure that theier in "no Contact" with the OM. You may feel that you shouldn't have too. And your right, you shouldn't have too. But your WW is doing everything she can to destroy your marriage, and either you start addressing that, or you will be in a very tough ride.

And you can divorce her today if you want. No reason to drag it out. But if you came here to fight for your marriage, and recovery, then these are the things you have to do.

What choice do you want to make?

LG

I have a suggestion that may help your marriage. How about you guys agree to only sacrifice when BOTH of you are agreed about the sacrifice to be made? That way one of you is not deciding, alone, when the other will sacrifice and what they will have to sacrifice. That will help prevent the resentment that you say means a sacrifice is not true sacrifice. It will also help prevent the Love Bank withdrawals that Marriage Builders teaches causes couples to fall out of love with each other.

If you could knock out the affair and then get your wife to agree to this proposal, and both of you followed it, it would probably go a major long way toward recovering your marriage. Why don't you try it? If it doesn't work you can always try something else.

This guy is not going to make it.

Expecting an "addict" to control herself is foolish and unrealistic. She is addicted to her OM and if you don't buck up here and start listening, it will only get more entrenched.

mckl, have you noticed that your best thinking has got you in this mess, friend? Do you want to listen to the advice of people who HAVE saved their marriages or do you want to continue taking the counsel of a fool? [yourself]

If you are not even willing to do the very basic things to save your marriage, then why are you here?

I hope people don't think that I am an angry person that will not listen to others. I am listening, and taking it all in.
I just don't know that I have it in me to allow this to go on.

What I am doing, is I am taking the things you all have said, and I am speaking to my wife about it. We spoke for 2 hours last night.

I tell her which I agree with and the things I don't.

As far as the house goes (which for me is huge) This house represents to me the highest lack of respect. I built this house. We live on the water. It is a beautiful spot. Why would I want to move. Believe me when I say that what I feel is strong enough to leave such a spot. It kills me.

And on the issue of "sacrifice" from Dr Harley [by the way, he has not screwed up his own marriage, so his advice might be worthwhile if you have screwed up your own marriage]

The single most important thing you can do to save your marriage is expose this affair. To all of your family, her family, the OM's family. Find out if the OM is married and expose to his wife, if any, and his whole family.

If you don't do that, there isn't anything we can do for you.


This is a big mistake. Your wife is in an addictive fog, and there is nothing to talk to her about. That is like trying to reason with a falling down drunk. And if you tell her the suggestions we have given here, you only lose this board as a resource because she will be forewarned. The only thing you should be talking to her about is this:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94

Wake up mckl!

Mel has been giving you sound advice. You are lost in your own lalaland and are your own worst enemy right now. Stop talking to WW about MB and exposure. Using kid's gloves is not going to get you anywhere except screwed over more than you already have been. Wake up and listen.

As far as exposure
Her family knows(they are begging me to give her time, yet they have not spoken with her about it in 6 weeks)
The OM's parents know as my wife decided to spend thanksgiving there instead of with her kids
A few others know just for the sake of someone to talk to
I do not feel as I am using "kid gloves". I also do not know that I am doing things right.
Can you tell me how many success stories mean happy marriage and how many just mean still married?

No, the OM's parents "know" the lies the infidels told them.
This is not exposure.


Can you tell me YOUR success rate? That should be your concern, mick.

Hi Mel!

Just another day here at the forum huh?

No I can't tell you that. There are success stories of recovered Ms and the spouses are happy today. There are success stories that ended in D. There are many works in progress but I think the BS will always come out stronger in the end whether or not the M is salvaged...unless the BS was a doormat and in denial. Even divorced repentant FWS can be a success and stronger in the end.

If you want to give up, that is your decision. If you want to give your marriage a chance then get some strength because you will need it. Look at the faces of your girls if you need motivation. If you get zero support from those you have exposed to, then you just dig deeper and keep going.