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Gdar Offline OP
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Well, here it is dinner time and no word from H. I am certain his day was busy, and he will tell me as such. He did not have time to contact me at all today. For the first time in 6 years, he did not even call me once.

So, I ate dinner, kids are getting ready to eat theirs.

When he comes home and asks about dinner, I will tell him I was too busy. I do not care that is not how I am supposed to approach it. This was his night to cook, anyway.


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What kind of work does he do?

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Her husband is a principle of a school. I am sure the teachers are out partying getting ready for the Mem day holiday.

He is a real creep if you ask me. He could care less for his wife. He will come home with some lame story.

He does what he wants when he wants to do it and you GDAR are stuck at home with the kids, etc.

Crazy...I could not take it.

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Gdar Offline OP
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Stella, he works. He does not go off and just do whatever/whenever, he has no time. That is the whole point.

He came home with the same reason as every other time he was late. A parent showed up, unannounced, and demanded a meeting with him and a teacher. It lasted over an hour and a half.

He came home when the kids were eating dinner, looking around. I assumed he was looking for his dinner, so I said " I had no idea what the plan was since we did not talk at all today, so I ate a sandwich. If you are hungry, you can make one". Then I went into the bedroom to lie down. I needed a few moments to relax and not hear excuses as to why he "could not" call me today.

Then he came in and gave me the reasons he "could not" call me today. He was simply too busy. Too much going on. Too many meetings/issues/calls/etc...

Yet he had a BBQ at work with some students and even 2 of his friends from his old school showed up to enjoy some of that BBQ. But did not have the time to call me.

This is why I am depressed. We had JUST had this discussion last week. Last weekend we had a great weekend. We needed to take the time to reconnect and we did. And just like always, I have a weekend husband who is too busy during the week to continue the feelings of love that carry me through to the next time he is available to me.


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He could have called you for 30 seconds. I think he lies and do not believe he has conferences with parents.

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He does not care for you enough to give you a quick call. My husband would never do that.

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Originally Posted By: Gdar
and I just realized I have not been kid/duty free in 504 hours.

OMG.


Aw, Gee, no wonder you're exhausted! Even with the best of kids, just the thought of always being the one "responsible" if something goes wrong, etc., for over 500 hours... that's 63 consecutive 8-hour shifts (well, not exactly fair because I assume you did grab *some* sleep here and there, but probably not a worry-free sleep-through the night, more like an on-call-but-grab-some-winks sleep) or 21 days straight with no time off or someone relieving you of your duties, or 3 weeks with no weekend.

And to be faced with houseguests-from-hell as well. I *love* the idea of inviting the friend's W to come with you wine-tasting. But we still need to talk about some stuff...

<warning... possible 2x4 ahead...>

Ok girlfriend, you don't particularly like this people and you don't want them coming over, and yet *you* are placing on yourself all sorts of pressure to clean up the house beforehand. I know, you say it's important *to you* to have a clean house when company comes over. But how important? Important enough that you *want* to clean, or do you not want to clean? Because it sounds to me like you are too exhausted to clean. Do you want to clean or not? If you don't want to clean, then don't. You have my permission. kiss

Are you cleaning because you don't want these ppl to think you're a slob? If you've cleaned all the other times, they prolly already think you have high standards. If their house is as messy as you say, they prolly won't condemn you for not cleaning this one time.

And since you don't like them, who cares what they think anyway???

hug

You don't have to be perfect. It's ok. Give yourself a break.

The whole thing wasn't POJA'd, of course. POJA would mean you'd say you aren't enthusiastic about them coming over, but maybe you'd be ok (but even then, that isn't enthusiastic) if H would help clean. So him cleaning should be a condition... but he's reneged. You don't have to pick up the slack!

IMHO you have some choices. You could suck it up and do the cleaning that you feel is needed. I doubt anyone will thank you for that though, and it doesn't sound like you will derive any fulfillment or pleasure or satisfaction from doing it either.

Or you could just not do the cleaning. Maybe your H will notice, maybe not. If he notices and misses the cleaned house, maybe next time he'll help. OTOH there's a big chance that only you will notice.

Or you could do just the most obvious things. The things that would bother you most if left undone. Keep going down your list until your exhaustion is more important than getting the next thing done.

*You* can choose whether or not to clean, and how much. *You* have that power.

Now, for the event itself, you have options. You could invite the other wife to do something with you, and have your break from the kids. Great idea, if she will go along.

Or you could just take your kids somewhere that would be as fun and stress-free as possible for you. You can invite the other wife to come with her kid, since you think her H may not "let" her leave her kid with him. By inviting her, she will know you aren't avoiding her, whether or not she chooses to come.

Personally, here's what I would do:
I would prolly make sure all the dirty clothes are in closets behind closed doors, all the dirty dishes are at least in the kitchen and not scattered throughout the house, and all the toilets are flushed with toilet paper available. I'd prolly pick up the dog poopy from the yard too.

Then I'd pack an overnight suitcase with clothes and swimsuits for me and the kids, and check into a hotel with a swimming pool (some have really great water parks!). I'd take the kids, and watch them swim while relaxing poolside. Depending on how much the older kids could be trusted to watch the littler ones, I might even sip marguaritas and read a trashy romance novel. I'd take my laptop of course, in order to stay in touch will all my MB friends!

When the kids have turned into total prunes, we'd all go back to our room and watch tv in bed until they fall asleep.

If you don't do that, I might!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Originally Posted By: Bubbles4U
He could have called you for 30 seconds. I think he lies and do not believe he has conferences with parents.


Stella, I am going to ask you to can it.

My son was sitting in the front office for that hour and a half waiting for him to take him home. He was the one who text me to tell me that he was stuck "waiting".

He is a principal. He has meetings with parents.

Last edited by Gdar; 05/28/10 08:19 PM.

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But he should have boundaries!!!! Limits with the parents on time and scheduled meetings.

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Jayne, you read me so well. Thank you. smile

Older 2 are off with their dad for the first time in 3 weeks. My H dropped them off for me - score! smile

I picked up a few things and put my pretty blanket over the couch in a new way - it looks nice! LOL

Dishes done

Laundry done (but needs to be folded and put away)

Bedroom (where guests will stay) picked up. My son picked it up before he left and did a nice job.

I am thinking of checking into a hotel in town that has a big tub, taking a giant soak (our tub in our master has yet to be installed, issue with our builder - so 3 years without my big tub!) and go to sleep. That sounds so awesome.

H also said he would take the kids to his friends house and stay, so I could sleep in tomorrow morning. But I was hoping it would be as an INSTEAD of them coming here, but he meant in ADDITION to. Not sure how I feel about that. Their house is infested with fleas. Blech.


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Originally Posted By: Bubbles4U
But he should have boundaries!!!! Limits with the parents on time and scheduled meetings.


I agree, Stella. I agree. We have had this convo many times. He flat out told me that when parents call/show up, he CANNOT and WILL NOT call me.


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It would show more respect and authority IN FRONT OF THE PARENTS if he said politely, "It is late, my wife has made dinner, excuse me please while I let her know I am going to be late".

This is why I think he is using this as an excuse to be rude with you. He does not know how to love you...or does not know proper etiquette, or something. Or does not want to have the closeness that is needed with a wife.

Why would a man treat you this way!!??

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Originally Posted By: Bubbles4U
He could have called you for 30 seconds. I think he lies and do not believe he has conferences with parents.


Not saying that he couldn't shoot off a quick 'thinking of you' text or a quick phone call. But you obviously have no idea what it's like to be a teacher or principal. I can't tell you the number of times walking out the door, I'm grabbed by a parent demanding/needing to have a conference about their child. Last week I was having a short meeting with the principal. What should have been a 5 minute quick meeting turned into a 30 minute sitting there staring at her while she answered phone calls and had to talk to parents walking through the door needing her attention. This is in aaddition to the other 50 something teachers all trying to get her attention for a few minutes because of some issue going on.

This was 30 mintues. It's like this for her (and all principals) everyday, all day.


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Originally Posted By: Bubbles4U
But he should have boundaries!!!! Limits with the parents on time and scheduled meetings.


It doesn't always work this way when you're in education. And you either deal with it or quit. I had a total of 317 students last year spread throughout my classes. Although I do not have all the parents wanting to speak with me, I would get no less than two dozen emails daily from parents with questions and concerns (and most emails have to be methodically answered and that takes up time) and then some would just stop and see me without giving me a heads up. My principal has 1150 students this last year and nearly every parent wanting to speak to her on a regular basis because of this teacher or that grade or this committee or that function or etc etc etc.

The parents will literally grab you as you're trying to leave to get your attention. And brushing them off with "I'm sorry. I'm late getting home" doesn't cut it.

Last edited by kilted_thrower; 05/29/10 01:02 AM.

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Does your husband get a summer off? My principals and their secretaries get 2 weeks off. I feel sorry for them. I would never want to be a principal.


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How late does you H ususally get home? (sorry haven't read the entire thread)

And does he for the most part have the weekends off?

I don't know about sending the kids to a home with flea's....that would be a issue for me LOL....a big one...are you sure they actaully have fleas? you don't want your kids bringing that into your home...what a nightmare that would be to have to clean up the flea infestation!

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Quote:
Then I'd pack an overnight suitcase with clothes and swimsuits for me and the kids, and check into a hotel with a swimming pool (some have really great water parks!). I'd take the kids, and watch them swim while relaxing poolside. Depending on how much the older kids could be trusted to watch the littler ones, I might even sip marguaritas and read a trashy romance novel. I'd take my laptop of course, in order to stay in touch will all my MB friends!

When the kids have turned into total prunes, we'd all go back to our room and watch tv in bed until they fall asleep.


Gdar, I'm glad to hear you're considering this. I don't think I posted about this at the time, but late last year, my H wanted a druggie friend and his wife to stay overnight, and I tried to POJA it, "well how about we just meet them for dinner when they come to town?" But he wasn't having it. So I was O&H and told him that if these people were here to stay overnight against my wishes, that I was going to take our girls and stay with a friend. I was a little embarassed, because DD14 already had planned a friend sleeping over, so I would've had to tell the friend's parents that she can still sleepover, but it would be at a friend's house.

He said this would've embarassed him, so he decided to tell the guy that he couldn't stay that weekend. He was very hostile to me for a while after this, which really gave me a lot of clarity, helped me understand why I had been dishonest for so many years by going along with things I knew were killing my love for my H, when that went against my values. I wanted to be a Buyer, to make decisions that would strengthen our marriage, not attack it. Not a Renter, someone who gives in, again and again, thinking, okay, just this once is okay, I'll put the effort into coming up with a better decision "next time." That weekend was a real turning point for me, feeling my fear, and standing up for my marriage, anyway. It was a real turning point for my H, too, taking the action that was better for his kids instead of better for outside appearances.


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I read stuff like this and I think about all the different battles we face in our lives. I wish my H had a steady job, like Gdar's. Even if it meant the extra hours. Life is so much more peaceful and pleasant in the house, when he is OUT of the house for a period of time during the day, doing something productive. And I feel protected and valued, knowing that he's helping to earn income to care for the family. I could care less if he swept floors at Wal-Mart to do this, but of course, he won't consider that! (he's painting this week and it's been just wonderful!).

But...the other side of the coin is that NED and Gdar are dealing with something that my husband would never-ever do and I'm not sure I could abide that either. Friends that I can't stand, spending the night? Ugh. I consider myself blessed that H has slowly dumped all the friends of his who were no friends of our marriage or who have refused to try to get along with me/didn't like me, over the years.

Now, before you start thinking that I'm impossible to like, or get along with, this is a grand total of TWO friends over 23 years. LOL

And then I think about how poor I am about setting boundaries over some of his LB behavior, yet I wouldn't think twice about removing myself and the kids, if he were to do something like you two wrote about.

A comment about the principal's job: We have friends here locally...he is a HS principal. She has never officially complained to me about the hours, but she has acknowledged that the parents are difficult and demanding, the politics of having to work with the boosters/PTA, the superintendent, the school committee, the town officials, etc....PLUS actually BE a school principal who is available to both staff and students...is a totally consuming and very demanding job. And he is passionate about his job, like so many educators are.

All that said, they somehow make it work. From what I've been able to glean, she is very firm about her expectations and boundaries (that I believe they have POJA'd, though they are not MBers; they just have a good marriage!) and if he were to cross those, she would let him know in no uncertain terms!

She's mentioned several times getting a text or a 15 second phone call from her husband: Sorry, honey...I was on my way out, and two upset parents just walked into my office. I will be home as soon as I can. And he does tell the parents that he will be with them in ONE MINUTE; he just has to tell his wife that he'll be delayed.

This does two things: 1) It shows his wife he values her, loves her and thought of her FIRST. and 2) it sends the parents a subtle message that, while he will gladly take the time to address their concerns, he is putting in his own personal time that would otherwise go to his family. In that case, those meetings tend to be brief and to the point. And if it can't be resolved quickly, they set a future date (preferably during regular working hours) for a longer meeting.

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Originally Posted By: CWMI
G, have you told your H that you're not up for hosting his friends? That you don't even like these people?


Or that you would be enthusiastic about doing it if he clean X, Y and Z rooms (meaning all toys/clutter put a way and vacuumed) and he planned a menu, made a shopping list, and bought the food and grilled the meat. You would clean A, B and C rooms, and prepare all the side dishes. And after you would both clean up.

THis is what POJA is all about...what would make you enthusiastic about doing this?

My DH had Sunday season tickets for the Mets baseball games. I would get stressed about going because I ended up doing all the "prep" work (gathering "Mets" stuff, making lunch, etc.) I told him I would be more keen on going if he did the prep stuff. Then all I had to do was hop in the car in the morning and then I really was more enthused about going. I didn't resent it.

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Originally Posted By: OurHouse
I read stuff like this and I think about all the different battles we face in our lives. I wish my H had a steady job, like Gdar's. Even if it meant the extra hours. Life is so much more peaceful and pleasant in the house, when he is OUT of the house for a period of time during the day, doing something productive.


Somewhere there is a balance. My DH has a steady job. However, we never see him during the week and only everyother weekend because of work. You can't rebuild/maintain a marriage with those hours.


Gdar...as annoying as it is right now, you have to make it so home is a pleasant place to come home to. If he thinks it will be wife sniping at him, he isn't going to leave early. That is not to say you should roll over. So if it is his turn to make dinner and is late with no call, you just say "I didn't know what to do about dinner. It was your turn to cook but I thought you were going to be home since you didn't let us know otherwise. Eventually I made sandwich. Want me to get the sandwich fixings out for you?"
Then he sees consequences without disrespectful judgments.

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