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BTinTrouble #2381686 05/28/10 10:23 PM
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Oh Man BT,

I was going to post igrips, but saw your's and well deflating.

I think you need to back off here, okay. I know this is an extremely emotionally day for you. The reality is that You are the deciding factor in your life and your marriage. I feel that, no matter the good intentions BT, that you are being whiplashed around by so many opinions, The only two people who are going to decide that fate of you, your wife, your marriage, and your family are you and your W.

So, I am putting myself in your shoes. My wife did have an affair, but there was never anything in our home. So, there are some who could tolerate that, most husbands in my opionion could not.

BT I think the major issue now is to confront her when she gets back. It seems like you have just a couple of days to prepare for that, but belive me this is your best chance.

BT, imho, you will need to expose suddenly like a missle and you will also need to confront the suspected OM suddenly also.

Also, I would consult with the best attourney you can find to be advivesed of your rights as a father and a husband.

BT, I respect what MB and the advocates here are trying to do, but I I was in your situation, my wife bringing a lover into my HOme, god that would be the end. Imho, this is the most evil thing that a woman could to. I thank God that I never ever had to face that BT.

I was going to post to another tongit but when i saw your situation, well I just wanted to focus on you.

Also, BT, recognize the people who are truely concerned, as opposed to those who may upset you and may be on here for their own selfishness. I.e., stay close to Melody, SDCW, Petals, Markos, and some others, and stay away from new people here who do not know what they are doing, and the bitter people in life like Mai Mai.

Man BT I am going to pray for you hard tonight that you make the right decision now for your son and you.

Tom





MelodyLane #2381687 05/28/10 10:23 PM
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thanks Mel

I DO want to see her.

I wont AO or anything...

but I dont trust her. Drugs are bad m'kay...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381688 05/28/10 10:26 PM
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thanks Tom.

I think I get you about how you would be done.

I dont know what to say

I love my wife, commitment is commitment.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

Tom2010 #2381689 05/28/10 10:27 PM
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BT,

Also, Marital Bliss, forgot, she seems to be a reg here but good. You are an intellegent guy, so the ball is in your court as far as who you listen to and what YOU decide based on your morales.

BTinTrouble #2381690 05/28/10 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
but I dont trust her. Drugs are bad m'kay...

That is exactly the right approach, BT. She is absolutely untrustworthy right now. That can change, but I think you can see now how very untrustworthy she is. As long as you approach her like that, you will be fine.

Go by her ACTIONS, ignore her words and you will be fine.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Tom2010 #2381691 05/28/10 10:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Tom2010
BT, imho, you will need to expose suddenly like a missle and you will also need to confront the suspected OM suddenly also.

Also, I would consult with the best attourney you can find to be advivesed of your rights as a father and a husband.

Hey Tom, he is already a step ahead of you. He has consulted an attorney and he has done a nuclear exposure tonight. He found the OM's wife and exposed to her. He exposed to friends and family and he exposed to their bosses at work. He has done an outstanding job tonight.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


BTinTrouble #2381692 05/28/10 10:37 PM
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HI BT,

I just finished reading through your thread.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

You're doing a great job w/ exposure. I just hope you are ready for the rage you are going to see from WW. If you look back at how "nice" she was when you were leaving, when you were away, and when she was leaving...it was b/c she was getting her addiction met. So be prepared for the angriest you have EVER seen her when she comes home. You have just taken away her drug.

And please move back into your bedroom TONIGHT. If SHE doesn't want to sleep w/ you, let her sleep on the couch. Time to reclaim your bedroom!

I guess you'll want to toss out the mattress, though.


MelodyLane #2381693 05/28/10 10:41 PM
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ok...

now what?


nearly positive OM is getting fired.

My boss called him, asked him if he was in town, OM said no, boss asked if he was in Home town with his family, OM said yes, Boss said, Hope I didnt disturb your family, OM said no they are fine...

Obviously Boss already knew from OMW that OM is not in fact in town with his family. Boss is convinced.

Boss went ahead and told OM that an employee has some pretty damning evidence that OM is sleeping with the employee's wife. Boss said OM acted very odd and abnormally to this news, and kinda laughed it off.

So they know.

WW sent a text asking why her mother left a message bawling her eyes out.

Ok...

so they know, do I call WW and ask to speak to OM, tell OM never to come around again, then tell WW to come home?

I am pretty much good on exposure. All her friends and most of her family except her father know, and he will soon enough.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381694 05/28/10 10:42 PM
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I already moved into my bedroom again, most of my stuff is back in there again.

SWEET!! I got another one right!, thanks marsh


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381695 05/28/10 10:42 PM
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need thoughts on that quickly please...

Do I call WW and OM now that they know? Boss gave it away that I have evidence and stuff, they should know. I dont want to leave WW out there all weekend nailing him...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

Marshmallow #2381696 05/28/10 10:45 PM
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ITA with Marsh be prepared, she is going to be PI$$ED, she is going to say horrible things to you to try to make you angry. It is not going to be pretty so be prepared.

Your mantra is i only discuss marriage, i understand but i only discuss marriage...........

BTinTrouble #2381697 05/28/10 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
so they know, do I call WW and ask to speak to OM, tell OM never to come around again, then tell WW to come home?

I am pretty much good on exposure. All her friends and most of her family except her father know, and he will soon enough.

BT, call her up and tell her that everyone knows about the affair and knows she is with OM. Tell her that OM's wife knows, his boss, her mother, everyone. Tell her the gig is up.

Then tell her goodbye. Don't demand anything, just leave it like it that. Don't answer her calls if she calls back.

In the meantime, move back in your room. She can sleep on the couch. You should not be the one who is put out of his room over her filthy affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


BTinTrouble #2381698 05/28/10 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
need thoughts on that quickly please...

Do I call WW and OM now that they know? Boss gave it away that I have evidence and stuff, they should know. I dont want to leave WW out there all weekend nailing him...

I doubt there will be anymore nailing. You've just ruined their weekend. He'll be heading home to try to patch things up w/ his W. And WW will be coming home to chew you out! And see what kind of hell she can make for you.


BTinTrouble #2381699 05/28/10 10:47 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
I dont want to leave WW out there all weekend nailing him...

They've just been busted, so that's likely not going to happen. More likely they're freaking out at the moment over the exposure.



ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
MelodyLane #2381700 05/28/10 10:47 PM
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ITA with Mel.....

MelodyLane #2381701 05/28/10 10:48 PM
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Tell her this: THERE WAS A NANNY CAM IN THE HOUSE AND WE ALL KNOW NOW. Don't tell her anything more.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Still_Crazy #2381702 05/28/10 10:49 PM
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remember she is going pi$$ed be prepared, DO NOT ENGANGE in her anger and DO NOT leave your home no matter what she says and do not let her take your son.

Mark1952 #2381703 05/28/10 10:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Mark1952
BT,

My comment was not intended to kick you while you were down. I know how much this hurts. I also know that since you had such a hard time believing it without this evidence it probably hurts even more.

When we find out that the person we love most in life, the very person we have entrusted our heart to has betrayed us in this way, we lose all sense of trust. We no longer trust our wife, now known to be a cheating wife, we don't trust our friends, work acquaintances and others in our life. Most of all, we no longer trust ourselves. We lose the ability to trust our own instincts and ability to judge others rightly.

My comment was more for those who might stumble upon this place, read your thread because it strikes a cord and in spite of what they know is true prefer to believe that their wife (or husband) would never do such a thing.

You're getting very good advice concerning the beginning of the stick of Plan A. Exposure is the greatest single weapon you can use against an affair. Keep in mind that just as when a nuclear bomb is used on the battlefield, there will be a great deal of fallout from exposure. Some will begin to choose sides and unfortunately not all of them will choose your side, though anyone who values marriage most likely will.

But additional fallout will occur as well. The most impactful to you will be the reaction of your wife. She is likely to be madder than you even thought possible and will say things that will have you alternating between wanting to punch her in the face and run away screaming. In some cases, a spouse once exposed will instantly have the fog begin to lift and begin to realize what damage they have wrought. Unfortunately that is a very small percentage. In most cases, the former reaction is the one you are likely to get.

Know and understand that the greater the reaction, no matter what direction it takes, the greater the damage done to the affair by exposure. Fear of losing the source of their addiction is what makes an addict react violently when anyone threatens that source. The greater the outrage, the greater the fear of losing the drug. So if she is really angry, she is really afraid of losing her affair.

Don't forget the other parts of the stick, though. Anything you can do that makes the affair less viable gives you an edge. At the same time, begin to formulate a PLAN that begins to demonstrate to her that the marriage is a better option by focusing on the carrot side of Plan A. Identify her ENs and do whatever you can to meet them and keep your own anger under control. Expect nothing in return for all your efforts and realize that you need to make yourself into the best BT you can become. Become the man she doesn't want to lose while making the OM expendable as too high of a cost for the benefit to be received.

Anything you can do to get in the way of contact is to your benefit, so look for ways to stand between her and OM at every opportunity. Without making your son a pawn in a game of struggling over who gets their way, be sure that you demonstrate the value you hold in the concept of family and make your battle cry one of saving your family from attack. Be a dad, husband, care giver, provider and shelter for your wife to return to. Make it easier for her to work on the marriage than to end it and remember that until she has had NC with OM for a while you can't really do anything to fix it. You must save your marriage first and try to fix it later. The house is on fire. Put out the fire and worry about what color the bedroom will be once the ashes cool.

Also remember that your enemy is not your wife. It is the affair that is the enemy of your marriage. Fight the affair without fighting against her. You can't win her back by making her life miserable when she is around you and safe when she is with OM. It needs to be turned around the other way. Make home with you a good place to be and with OM a frantic, hurried, paranoid experience that removes any and all pleasure.

A bull ride only has to last eight seconds. I'm afraid this is going to last a bit longer. So mount up, strap in, hang on, it's going to be a wild ride for a while.

Cowboy up!

Mark

Read this again.....

MelodyLane #2381704 05/28/10 10:53 PM
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Bt,

Simply I had a hard time keeping up with what you have done and been thru in your posts. But now that I see, you have a guradian Angel. Her name is Melody
Man BT, tonight my prayers for
you . That is all I can do now.

Tom

BTinTrouble #2381705 05/28/10 10:55 PM
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BT,

I mentioned it and Marsh just mentioned it again. I am going to lay it out for you another time because I'm not convinced you understand what we're saying to you.

When you next talk to your wife, she is not going to be mad. She is going to be a raving lunatic bordering on homicidal. She is going to tell you some combination of these things: "I was thinking about trying to work this out, but now you have ruined any chance of that." "How could you do such a thing and involve another man's wife in our problems?" "Great. So now you've got my family turning against me. Do you really think they won't see through your lies and learn the truth that you are controlling and abusive and....(insert whatever kind of words you think might come out when she spits here)..." "You don't get it. I don;t love you any more/haven't loved you in ___years and will never love you." "I never really loved you."

Understand something here BT. She has been lying to you all along. Don't bother to try to believe she is telling the truth now. She is going to call you names you didn't know she could verbalize. She will talk of hating you, of wishing you were dead and all sorts of things that will cut you to your very soul. As quickly as you can, express to her that you are fighting to save your family and then get into some quiet place, even if there is nowhere to go to, focus on yourself and pretty much let her anger burn out.

Do NOT discuss the state of your marriage with her while she is raging. Do NOT try to talk to her about MB while is so venomous. (Yes, as already stated you can tell her you know about her dirty affair but are willing to forgive her and work with her to build a great marriage using coaching and counseling. Don't try to educate her to MB yet, OK?

Breathe. Focus. Remain calm. Control your own anger. Do NOT let yourself blow up at her. Do NOT even move toward her in a threatening way. Crazy wayward wives tend to try to provoke you into doing something threatening so they can call the cops.

I know you love your wife, BT. Just remember that she might still be in there somewhere, but right now an alien is in charge of her mind. The alien is the one who is talking.

Did I mention that all aliens are liars? They are not capable of telling the truth.

Mark

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