My husband of 18yrs just moved out he told me that he wanted to separate because he was sick and tired of all the fighting and that he felt he needed space. Two days later I found out he had an emotional affair with my BF , she stated it was only friendship but he admitted he felt they had so much in common and that if they kept it up that it could have lead to something more. I knew we had some issues and that he was depressed. But this was a shock to me seeing as for my birthday in March and valentine�s day he sent me letters saying he loved me and couldn�t imagine his life without me. He stated he wanted a separation and space to get his head together May 1st and in a matter of 3 or 4 weeks we have completely come apart.

I knew he was depressed but I didn�t know it was due to this! I believed it was work related and because he doesn�t like where we live. He also stated he had resentments towards me for making him choose me over his brother. What happened was his brother was living with us I was 8months pregnant and has a 3 yr old his brother left drugs and cigarettes where she could get them and I caught her after she ingested about 5 cigarettes. His brother was constantly breaking basic house rules and at that point I had had enough. I asked him to make him move out or I would. It was a very stressful pregnancy but he did not respect my house or rules. He asked him to leave at which point he moved into his dads house which he then got kicked out of and his grandfathers after getting arrested to which my husband had to go bail him out. Unfortunately he landed in jail and died 5 months later. My husband said he forgave me but apparently he still resents me for that. He feels I made him choose between us which was not the case since we still wrote him and provided basic necessities while in jail.

We also had to file bankruptcy after we moved to PR due to poor financial management on my part as well a non steady paycheck on my part. Again he said he forgave me for keeping it from him until it was too late but he never quite let it go.
He has suffered from depression due to his hating his job and where we live. I have suggested we move but he doesn�t see it as possible. I told him I would get another job so he could go to School but he also said it was impossible. He thinks he is a failure! He also is very reserved and the more he kept inside the more i pushed to get him to opened up by fighting. We have become somewhat nasty and cold towards each other. I just gave up trying to get him out of the rut. He has lost an alarming amount of weight as well.

He also feels he can�t satisfy me sexually as I want to have sex with him every chance I get. He said he feels he held me back which is not true he actually put me through college by working 2 jobs. He also said he is no longer attracted to me because I have gained weight. He did say he still in love with me but the love he feels has diminished. I am desperate to try to get us back on track but he is going to individual counseling to see why he is so unhappy! He even told me he has everything a man should want but he is not happy! I think he feels unfulfilled due to his hating his job! What do I know right!

We also have 3 kids and they are angry and feel abandoned by him. I have started counseling but have found all they want is for me to move on! I feel desperate , alone , and feel like my life is over! At the height of all this I contemplated harming myself even though I snapped out of it after several minutes I am horrified I could even think that way! As of last nite he is angry and tell me I am pushing him away with all the fighting and the fact I cant get past all the dishonesty. I found out he had a second cell from my son which he denied even when I caught him with it.

He tells me he needs to let go of me so he can make a choice. I know the affair has ended but I am angry he wont make a choice if he wants us to work or not. All he keeps saying is I dont know. He tells me letting go is part of his process that he doesnt want to separate himself more than he has but he doesnt want to give me mixed signals as per his therapist! He told me he doesnt want me to write him off or to completely break it off but I need to move on and if i have to tell my self its over then he has to respect that! Can some one help me formulate a plan of so I can overcome his resistance to trying to save the relantionship? I need guidance and help!

Help me please!
Desperately wanting to save my marriage!

Lisa...welcome to MB...

I'm really glad you're here and so sorry for the circumstances.

Would you please consider clicking "Notify" and asking the moderators to move your post to "Surviving An Affair" Forum here on MB? Also, please consider editing your post and breaking it into paragraphs. Responding posters may have difficulty in selecting your text to quote in their responses, as well as keeping their place in trying to read.

Well, "they" is definitely "me"...I'm older, have older eyes.

My heart goes out to you and I remember the pain, fear, anger and frustration...the feelings of abandonment, replacement and rejection. All real and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

I know folks here can help you a lot...we've been there, we remember. When you edit and move your post, consider asking for help to formulate a plan (Plan A), figure out your steps and be supported and encouraged to take them.

One thing, for right now, stop your half of the fighting. Conflict is still a connection, better than Withdrawal, so understand it takes two to fight...you can listen and not refute, discount or DJ...that's not fighting.

Please read all you can on this website (the articles by Dr. Harley), and begin eliminating your Love Busters (LBs) right away...will help you a lot in understanding and experiencing your power again, which feels like is all in WH's hands, not yours.

I think buying a copy of "Surviving an Affair" would really help you right now. Studying, learning, helps with the coping in crisis...least it was for me.

It isn't. Pull it back to steady yourself, pick your goal, choose your plan and your steps and then do them. You're not alone.

LA

I am sorry your going through what your going through. I dont have much advice to offer but to suggest that his thread be put on the SSA forum .. it gets more exposure than here.

Unfortunately .. Welcome to marriage builders. You are in the right place to save your marriage. Make sure to read all the concepts here and dont tell your hubby about this place yet especially if you feel he may be in the affair right now.

Thanksfor the advice I do know he is no longer in contact with the person and I purchase the LB book and work book.. So I will se what happens from now on!

My husband of 18yrs just moved out he told me that he wanted to separate because he was sick and tired of all the fighting and that he felt he needed space. Two days later I found out he had an emotional affair with my BF , she stated it was only friendship but he admitted he felt they had so much in common and that if they kept it up that it could have lead to something more. I knew we had some issues and that he was depressed. But this was a shock to me seeing as for my birthday in March and valentine�s day he sent me letters saying he loved me and couldn�t imagine his life without me. He stated he wanted a separation and space to get his head together May 1st and in a matter of 3 or 4 weeks we have completely come apart.

I knew he was depressed but I didn�t know it was due to this! I believed it was work related and because he doesn�t like where we live. He also stated he had resentments towards me for making him choose me over his brother. What happened was his brother was living with us I was 8months pregnant and has a 3 yr old his brother left drugs and cigarettes where she could get them and I caught her after she ingested about 5 cigarettes. His brother was constantly breaking basic house rules and at that point I had had enough. I asked him to make him move out or I would. It was a very stressful pregnancy but he did not respect my house or rules. He asked him to leave at which point he moved into his dads house which he then got kicked out of and his grandfathers after getting arrested to which my husband had to go bail him out. Unfortunately he landed in jail and died 5 months later. My husband said he forgave me but apparently he still resents me for that. He feels I made him choose between us which was not the case since we still wrote him and provided basic necessities while in jail.

We also had to file bankruptcy after we moved to PR due to poor financial management on my part as well a non steady paycheck on my part. Again he said he forgave me for keeping it from him until it was too late but he never quite let it go.
He has suffered from depression due to his hating his job and where we live. I have suggested we move but he doesn�t see it as possible. I told him I would get another job so he could go to School but he also said it was impossible. He thinks he is a failure! He also is very reserved and the more he kept inside the more i pushed to get him to opened up by fighting. We have become somewhat nasty and cold towards each other. I just gave up trying to get him out of the rut. He has lost an alarming amount of weight as well.

He also feels he can�t satisfy me sexually as I want to have sex with him every chance I get. He said he feels he held me back which is not true he actually put me through college by working 2 jobs. He also said he is no longer attracted to me because I have gained weight. He did say he still in love with me but the love he feels has diminished. I am desperate to try to get us back on track but he is going to individual counseling to see why he is so unhappy! He even told me he has everything a man should want but he is not happy! I think he feels unfulfilled due to his hating his job! What do I know right!

We also have 3 kids and they are angry and feel abandoned by him. I have started counseling but have found all they want is for me to move on! I feel desperate , alone , and feel like my life is over! At the height of all this I contemplated harming myself even though I snapped out of it after several minutes I am horrified I could even think that way! As of last nite he is angry and tell me I am pushing him away with all the fighting and the fact I cant get past all the dishonesty. I found out he had a second cell from my son which he denied even when I caught him with it.Last night I called him because I was locked out of the house. I had to call him 6 times then when he answered he was very irritated and trying to get me off the phone. Also it was unaturally silent in the background.He rushed me off the phone because at that point my daughter finnaly heared my door punding and came to open the door. I had a weird feeling he wasnt where he said he was I drovw down there to find him gone. He then told me he had gone to the bar with friends and told me he was turning around. Only he got dropped off like 2 or 3 blocks away so I couldnt see who he was with. He said he didnt want me fighting infront of his friends but I know its because he doesnt want me to know who he was with.

He tells me he needs to let go of me so he can make a choice. I know the affair has ended but I am angry he wont make a choice if he wants us to work or not. All he keeps saying is I dont know. He tells me letting go is part of his process that he doesnt want to separate himself more than he has but he doesnt want to give me mixed signals as per his therapist! He told me he doesnt want me to write him off or to completely break it off but I need to move on and if i have to tell my self its over then he has to respect that! Can some one help me formulate a plan? I need guidance and help!

Help me please!
Desperately wanting to save my marriage!

Lisa, I am sorry that this has happened to you and your family. Adultery is EXTREMELY CRUEL. Welcome to MB. This is a SAFE place. It is also the best place you could find yourself in this sitch.

Have you read all of the material on here?

You should start HERE

If you have any questions about anything you read, just ask. We will be glad to help you.

Lisa

Welcome to Marriagebuilders. I am sorry that you find yourself in need of this resource, but there are people and tools here who can help you.

I moved your thread here as requested.

Good luck and God bless you.

First of all, welcome and I'm sorry you're here. The most important you need to realize is that the A is more than likely continuing. No one has secret cell phones unless they have a secret person they're calling.

Your WH must have worn himself out, coming up with all of those reasons to be unhappy with you lame justifications for having an A! I got tired just reading them! And I could just shake him to putting this A on you! You are in no way to blame for his A.

Tell us more about your "bf". Is she married? Children?

Your H has more than likely lost a lot of weight in order to look 'buff' for his affair partner. I wouldn't necessarily put it down to depression or stress. I'm not saying he isn't depressed, he may well be - lots of people in A's are depressed because they know on a level that what they're doing is wrong, and it plays havoc with the moral part of their brain that may still be functioning.

Start by reading the articles on this site. Make sure you go to the link that Scotland gave you. You're in the best place you can be. We'll help you.

Lisa,

The affair is not over. You know that right? Also, he did not move out of the home because of just an emotional affair with your friend.

I am sorry. Do you have a way to verify that they are still in contact, like cell phone records etc? Can you have someone go by there to catch them together?

I am sorry, my opinion maybe, but there is more to this than he is telling you. Your friend and your H are traitors and it is an ongoing PA.

Snoop some more for evidence, but you will have to expose to everyone and ask for help saving your marriage.

Give us an update as to where he is.

SWW

Lisa, could you please click notify and ask the mods to combine your threads? Thanx

1. Gather evidence, emails, phone bills, text msgs, etc
2. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!! Emails, FB, to Friends, family, his friends his family, your BF friends, her family EVERYONE!!!

She is married and have 2 children she even told me she wants to save her marriage to him!She has not separated from him or anything. I don't know if the affair continues but at this point I am so discouraged I just want to give up! I love him but he is cleaver as to how he goes about his things! And no he isn't buff he looks sick he is so thin! He has always suffered from depression and it runs in his family. I know he is being dishonest and what am I supposed to do. He went on to even tell me its not about her its about us and that if it hadn't been her it could have been anyone! I asked him to leave me alone and to give me the house keys but he refuses to do both!

Lisa, you need to do Plan A first if you want to work the programs and try to save your marriage. Your WH was actually telling you a bit of truth in the fact that if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else. Even though he didn't know he was telling th truth then, he was right. ANY husband chasing woman would have done for him.

Have you read all of the material on this site? Is there any questions you have? We can help you.

Click on the thread in the first post that I posted to you and read it from beginning to end, clicking on all of the links contained within. Ask us any questions about MB and how to translate it into your own sitch.

Yes your next plan would be to be in Plan A, and while you are in plan A SNOOP SNOOP SNOOP, to make sure they are still not contacting each other. Phone bills, emails, FB, etc.

Stay calm, you can do this! As long as you follow the plan and the support you have here we know you can do it

Have you exposed this A? Have you told the OWH yet? If not then I would do so. Keep snooping and be in Plan A, just concentrate on that if you are too overwhelmed.

Lisa,

Stop fighting with him. That is rule number one. Stop it today. You cannot save your marriage by fighting all the time.


When you are angry or upset, you need to do something else - right now, you need to be in Plan A. Read on this website about how to do this. You can express your ideas and concerns to your husband without FIGHTING! As a grown woman, it is possible to be calm and cool and say what you have to say.

Your husband is NOT THE ENEMY. He is someone you love, and you want to be married to. Talk to him like you want there to be PEACE between the two of you.

Express your ideas with LOVE in your heart - come to him with love - speak with love - speak with kindness. Avoid loud and hateful words, and you will see a change in a matter of hours and days, not weeks. You will immediately feel better about yourself, too.


Your husband needs to see a doctor, by the way.

He is right, the affair is not about the OW. It is about the situation in your marriage, the needs that the two of you have and the needs that you both need to focus on between the two of you. Look at your marriage, and look at how you are focusing.

Are you spending quality time with him in activities the two of you enjoy?

Are you two talking about things that are POSITIVE in nature, things that bring back good memories?

Have you been putting some effort into telling him about the things you like about him?


Also, you have some changes to make in yourself. One thing about your post that stood out to me was that you did not tell him about the financial problems until it was too late. The two of you need to be able to talk about these things - and if you keep secrets from him and do not include him in the things that are very important in the marriage, then you reduce him to the position below you. He is not below you - and his feelings may be that you cut him out of information, pushed him away. Think about this.....he may be feeling that you sense you are above him.

His statement that he feels he has held you back - this also tells me that somehow he feels that within the marriage he feels below you, or that there is a condition within the marriage that places him as "not equal" to you. Think about this, because it is very important information for you to work on.

Get yourself into Plan A, today.

Schoolbus

I actually have spoken to the OWH several times including today and he is keeping tabs on her too and he is also fairly certain that they have not been communicating. He is still trying to save that marriage but the OWH has issues with angry outbursts and he is abusive to her as she is to him. The Affair had been exposed to everyone friends and family as well as her H.
My husband still comes around everyday and my daughter asked me today since he has been here all day cutting grass and even washed my car "If daddy is not with you anymore mom why is he here so much" I can see she believes he is not here to see her and her siblings. He has always been a great father and this just about broke my heart!
I ask myself the same question! If he doesn't want to be with me then why all the mixed signals and all the time wanting to be here around us! I try to separate myself by going to the gym around the time he gets out of work but he always seems to be waiting around till I get back or text-ing me about my plans for the day!
As for the fact that he feels inferior to me I can honestly say I probably have acted towards him in that manner. Even if I have done it without any intention its not very nice to do that to someone you love. I just ordered love busters and the workbook! I think I need to go through that first.
I feel like he has tasted some freedom and is enjoying that freedom which is why he is so wishy washy!

I seriously need to implement plan A but I'm not sure how seeing as I believe the affair is over but now what!

Answering Scottlands questions:

I am 34 and WS is 36

Our children are 14, 11, and 8

1st marriage and have been together for 18yrs

the AP was my "best friend"

The affair lasted about 6 to 8 weeks

Had suspicions for 6 weeks but found out checking my phone record

Have not ordered surviving the affair but ordered love busters with workbook

Plan A is for making him see that what he has at home is better.

Read the list of do's and don't in BT in trouble's "My thread" towards the end.

If you are trying to ignore him you are NOT doing plan A

Can someone help me find the mentioned thread.