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Congratulations!


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
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Checking in. Sent off a photo album and a letter saying thank you for a great year- he emailed me saying it was hitting him hard that he only gave us one good year. That was over a week ago. I'm getting another package ready to send off. I'm hoping that means good news that he's feeling remorseful (he kept saying sorry in his message) but Idk. Our regular converstations over the phone have been somewhat normal. I'm overly emotionaly right now, and I've cried a couple of times over the phone and he's been consulting me. But that's about all on our progress.

I keep having these days when I'm so mad and/or sad I want to just throw in the towel. THen I have to remind myself that my love is stronger than my anger. Sigh this is going to be a long year. At least no drama right now.

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Congratulations SG!!! I hope that you are both doing well!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Hello?

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Nothing new to report..we contine to talk when he calls, I email him lots and that's about it. No R talk. I've been concentrating on my newborn baby girl...

Any other Plan A ideas?

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What are his top ENs? My guess one would be admiration, I would spend at least a bit of time telling him the things you really appreciate about him...and be specific...


Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
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I totally missed seeing this!! Congrats on the new baby girl!! smile smile hurray dance2 Little girls are just awesome - I don't blame you for putting all your concentration into her. wink


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Congrats Smiley!

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I agree with Still here. Maybe tell him how proud of him you are for serving. Tell him it makes you feel good to know he is trying to make the world a better place for 'our' little girl.

As much as many of us vets say 'we are just doing our job' and stuff, it does make us feel good to hear it.


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Well I screwed up and did a big AO.

I've let the anger get the best of me and I let him have it all the pain/anger thats been building up inside for the last 2 months. I know it was a weak moment. I was in a bad mood already, dealing with lack of sleep and lost track of my plan A. I got angry when I saw how he keeps adding female friends to his Facebook so I wrote him a very long message.

He called me right after he read it and asked if I wanted to talk. I said no I already said what I wanted to say. The whole converstation went back and forth to "'m sorry I hurted you this way, everything you said was true" and "I still want to leave you." I know it was wrong for me to get upset that he STILL doesn't respect me and my needs. I thought I was setting up my boundaries. I wrote that I do want our marriage to work but if a marriage means he is allowed to have female friends that I dont know personally then I won't stand for it. He said all these years he knows how I feel about that, but if I want to be with him I have to deal with it because he will not change. Talked about how I was always trying to get him to do something with our kids but he would always say no. He told me the other day he was thinking about that, and what a bad father he is for not ever wanting to do things with them. And that he loves the kids. I asked him if he was willing to let our kids just be a deduction to him because he's not going to see them, or what a 2 minute phone call and that's it? that's the relationsihp he wants with them? He got upset about that and remorseful. Then I started talking about our relationship and he is saying he is leaving because he can't stand to be with me, doesnt like going out with me, has a head ache when he talks to me (funny how the past 2 months he didn't seem to have a head ache). He said he just won't call anymore, that he will do me the favor and tell his chaplain so he can tell the chaplain I was talking to- that way when I call the chaplain will already know. I told him that on his facebook page he really should have 5-7 women on his page because that's all who I know personally. And that he should be doing what it takes to make his wife feels secure, if that's what is threatening our relationship he should eliminate it. He said he's not trying to fix our marriage.

Anyways that conversation was at 5 in the morning. I went on FB a couple of hours later and saw him and started talking to him. Told him I was going to delete my FB page because my husband is more important to me than facebook. He didn't get why I am doing that there's no need when he is going to delete his. I told him he's the reason why I have it - so he can see the kids pictures. The only way I can write him is through facebook. He can't get into his military email account he lost his password but now he is saying he can try to retrieve it. My computer was acting up and so he ended up calling. He got to talk to the kids and told them that he loves them no matter what. got to talk to me and we started arguing some more. He stopped it and said it didn't matter if it was going to be in an email or phone call we are always going to fight and so he won't be calling. I apologized for losing my composure and being angry but he said there's nothing for me to be sorry for when everything I said was true. Anyways he ended up saying he's not going to be calling he doesn't feel like talking to me.

I was doing my Plan A so well too. Every time we talked I was happy he called. I sent him a book that he's always wanted and he loved it. I appreciated how he was always there for me when I needed him or needed his help. I just sent off a package full of great snacks that he will get in a week. We were getting along because he wanted to be "nice" and not stress me out. But all along he was still planning on divorcing me.

I know this is just a snag...that if I continue my plan A we will be on good terms again.

i almost just want to start Plan B. But how can we recover when he's not here on the same house as me? WHen I can't see him everyday and make our enviroment a place he will want to come home to? So isn't the best thing for me to do right now is to keep up my Plan A? No more love busters? I know this is the right thing for me to do. As long as I still have love for this man I will want to work things out.

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Hi Smiley,
I know that military spouses are the most under appreciated people around. My hats off to you.

I wish that I could offer you some good nuggets of advice, but coming from me it would probably have an adverse affect. I can only offer my perspective as a deployed soldier.

The most important thing for me while I was deployed was reminders of home. Pictures, letters, snackies that you can't get at the PX. Also knowing that I had a loving wife and family waiting for me when I got off that plane was my light at the end of the long tunnel of a deployment. Keep up your Plan A, go back and read some of your thread, and be the beacon of hope for your WH and soldier.

How much longer until he comes home?

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Thanks NW. He has about 10 months left. We just sent a nice package of great snacks for him. Getting a package of things he has asked for including a camera.

I need to send pictures of the kids, especiallly of the new baby. I have an appointment wiht a photogrpaher who participates in Operation Reunited- they take pictures at homecomings for free as well as departures. In my case it's for the newborn baby pictures. The photographer takes pictures for free, creates an album for the soldier and sends it to him for free.

I hope he will like that.

I still have hope. I think that if he does call it's not because he feels like he has to but because he wants to call. Just going to take this as something that needed to happen, was going to happen eventually I can't be expected to bottle up my feelings for a 10 more months. So now that this speedbump happen Ijust act accordingly, keep up my Plan A and love him anyways with no expectations.

I think he really is depressed over there. Says that this job means nothing to him, that he's going through the motions there. He said that he does feels sorry for hurting me and the family and that he thinks about it every night.

I"m supposed to be a souce of happiness for him right? I'll keep trying and I know my work will pay off. In the meantime forcus on myself and continue to focus on the kids. Been trying to fill up our days with fun activies. baby girl is just a joy to have in my life.

It sucks that our facebook pages both got deactivated since that's the main way I wrote him but I guess I have to think of other ways.

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It's nice to know that there are people out there that support military families. Pictures were the best for me. My WW never sent any even though I asked every month. I only got pictures from my MIL of NW5.

14 months is a long deployment, especially when your job sucks. To my knowledge 12 month deployments are the standard these days. 10 more months of Plan A is a very long time. Can you handle that? Do you have ENOUGH support from family?

By no means am I an expert but have you considered going into Plan B at some point before he comes home? I can see this having a profound effect on him. He seems conflicted to me. Just thinking.

About sending him packages of what he asks for, that's great! But you know what's better? Sending him what he doesn't ask for! Something you know he would like or enjoy, like maybe some really comfy pj's (not flashy) or a pillowcase or blanket with a family pic etched on it. Just some thoughts. Hang in there..

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I meant 10 more months - all together one year.

I may not have enough support from family - only his family knows what is going on. They are helpful as they can be but I don't want to get in between his parents and their son. He did tell me this morning that if they blame me for anhything he will not talk to them. I told him that was my point - how if chose my side and he decides not to speak to them they will blame me. I know because they blamed me when he stopped talking to them last time. He said if that is the case this time he will not talk to them ever since none of this was my fault.

I am not going to my own family for support. My brother and sister are not married, and dont really understand. My mother won't support me she would just stress me out if she knew what's going on. She would call me everyday and ask me all of these questions and then make assumptions. I never been close to my mom and I believe she cheated on my dad, causing their split. They never went all out to divorce but stayed seperated for at least 10 years.

Great ideas NW I will definately keep those in mind. It got my wheels turning for ideas.

I am thinking I should Plan A up until R&R. If things haven't progressed in the way I want it to then Plan B. Or Plan A until he comes back home, if he still wants to D then Plan B. Pretty much that's what I have to choose from.

Thanks for checking on my thread. Feels like my situation is totally different from the rest that the vets don't weigh in but I'm still hopeful.

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Please keep in mind that when he comes home for R&R, he will probably be a little out of sorts. It is usually quite an adjustment and takes longer than two weeks. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on how you guys interact during that short period to determine your future. Just a though.

NW is right. The pillowcase with a family photo on it is great. Pinky gave me one right before I left and I still love it so much I've never used it. Don't want to get it dirty. I had it hanging up over my bed through the whole deployment though.

How's the baby girl doing?


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Some new developoment- got into his email and saw that he registered for a forum for study guides for the Army. I saw his password it was single at heart (with symbols). I didn't figure it out at first now I see it. It still kills me. Sigh.

Either way I bought some under armour boxers that are supposed to keep him cool in extreme hot weather. I'll be sending it to him in a seperate package from the kids. It'll be a father's day present. how did I do, military guys? lol

So far I've sent at least one thoughtful thing every month so far. (body building gift card, comabat training book and now the boxers) Trying to come up with one every month.

Yesterday I took the kids to this banner making FRG meeting so they can add their handprints (and baby's foot prints) to the banner. The banner will be put up at the men's lunch area. I think he will see it and hope he likes it.

still working on the pillowcase - trying to get a good picture of all of the kids together.

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More from his email. About 2 months ago I saw that he registered his phone card and I could get into his call records. I held back because I was still pregnant, didnt want to look at it and get more stressed out and didn't want to do it with his mom here visiting me. When he hasn't called in the last 4 days I requested his password and I got it this afternoon.

I actually heard from him earlier today, talked real quick because I was busy registering the baby into the system on base. When he called me later, i was on the phone with my best friend crying on the phone to her. So he heard me crying. I know I should ahve held back but I told him I know he's been talking to her. I saw that he's been calling her nonstop. I know it's her because the phone number matched what I have recorded from cell phone files.

We had a very long talk. A lot of apologizing, I feel his remorse I cried a lot. He said that I have nothing to be sorry for, that he can't look at himself in the mirror he's been really concerned about how I am traking this, he does worry about me. He even said he does care about me and he does love me even though he has a weird way of showing it. He did ask how I found out I told him I hired a PI and he actuallly believed me for a second.

He obviously proved there is no way I can keep track of his phone calls ( this pohnce card thing was a spoof). So even if I go to the Command NOW there is still no guarantee that he will stop calling.

I still am getting 4 packages ready as part of my Plan A.

I think it's time for Plan B. I was thinking of getting the kids tehir own cellphone, change my phone numbers and ask my SIL to be my IM. While she loves her brother I know she is on my side but won't give him any crap. I just don't trust anyone else right now.

My friend thinks it's too soon to do Plan B and that's it's a bad idea, how it would push him into her open arms. I think that's true too especially all he can do is call . '

I'm so upset that he has been calling her and talked for hours in the last 2 weeks (while he was injured/on profile). I guess he thought I would never know. I always find out, it just happens. He asked what brought this on, why did I check this time. I told hiim I could have checked a long time ago I just wantd to believe you.

Please any suggestions on what to do next? I may have to move closer to his parents but if I do that now - is that agreeing to a divorce? I still have love for this man, I still want our mariage but I know Plan A alone doesn't recover a marriage - I need plan B too.

I'm going to make an appointment to talk to Dr. Harley this week.

Seriously I was walking around these last 4 days how great my life is - yea ok I may not have a great marriage rightnow but I was thinking I'm fortunate to not get this abuse (mental) in person right now because I don't think I could take it. I love my life and I don't want to lose it because of another woman. I know we can recover...sigh.

Please this is the only place I can ask for help right now. I don't have a sitter yet so I can't see my pschatrist. Usually talking to him makes me feel better but last time he was saying he hopes he does continue talking to her and that I have to continue being the best ME. And tha the best way for us to recover our marriage is to get him back at home. We can't recover the marriage long distance.

Oh yea he called me back an hour later to check up on me. I got worried I know he has to wake up early the next day to work. He said he couldn't sleep, he was watching a movie and looking at the pictures he got from me and he wanted to call. We talked some more, cried some more. He said he does think about everything I've done, even remembered how I always put him first. Thanked me for being a great mom to our kids - I told him to stop wishing for something to happen to him over there. We need him...I need help raising our boys into men, and to teach our daughters how they need to be treated by a man. He really took that to heart. He confessed that he has been thinking a lot about my vent that I emailed him last week, and he swears he called to apologize for getting angry when everything I said was the truth. I think I put up a mirror to his face and he didn't like what he saw. He didn't know when he called me he would find me crying like that. The last thing he says he wants to do is hurt me. My question is why do you still do it then?

I have learned to embraced this affair because it makes it clear exactly what I want. No matter what happens to me and my husband I'm going to come up on top- happily married or just plain happy.

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Plan A is showing him what he will be missing.

Plan B is just for pushing him into her arms--because then he will see what rotten arms they are!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Thanks karmarose

Got a 4 in the morning phone call and one just right now. We talked for a while both times. I was up anyways reading a book. I don't know if the fog is lifting and he's really sorry or if he's sorry that he got caught yet again. We did small talk, and I know he's been doing a lot of thinking and feeling guilty. He thanked me for all of my packages lately, and he really sees that I put a lot of thought and care into each one. he says he doesn't deserve it but he appreciates it a lot.

He told me just now that he doesn't want to say anything that will give me false hope or if he doesn't keep up with his promise. Gives me the iimpression that he does want to say he will work on the marriage but he's not sure. I told him let's drop this serious talk for now and just talk. And we did.

I am feeling a lot better and taking things with stride. I think it's because even though I was hoping things have ended with them like he said and that I wanted to believe him, I was prepared mentally to accept that he didn't stop contact.

I think telling his mom and dad again that the contact hasn't stopped. Not that they would do anything about it but at least they would know.

I have hope still. thanks to any readers out there.

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Smiley,

What was your original Plan? Was it to Plan A until he comes home? Remember, no expectations. I know how hard it is to Plan A, especially for that length of time, but the deployment does change things a bit. I don't think ANYONE would fault you if you chose to go Plan B right now, but I think it would have more of an effect if you waited until about two weeks after he gets home. Let him 'see' how great you are first hand for a little bit, in order for the darkness of Plan B have more impact.

Am I to understand that his CoC still doesn't know? I would take the recent phone activity and get them involved now.


-SOL
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