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I am starting a new thread.

I have found a voice. I am taking my first steps out of shame.

More to come later.

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Originally Posted By: LionOrGazelle
I am starting a new thread.

I have found a voice. I am taking my first steps out of shame.

More to come later.


Looking forward to hearing your story, LOG.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I too am looking forward to hearing your story and being able to help wherever needed. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
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Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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OK - so just got a very angry and threatening call from my husband who is watching my posts. He has threatened me that if I post anything here or do or say anything to anyone, he will post something on his thread somewhere about me and it will ruin any possible chance at any recovery we might have ever had. He demanded my "proof" of what I have typed. I told him I was not going to engage in that type of exchange. He told me he will post something MelodyLane and someone else told him not to post but now he will. He is very angry at me.

Now what?

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LOG, I have not told your H anything. You go right ahead and post away!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry. Guess I can't post right now. Husband is panicking. Got two phone calls from close friends who now know of situation and he is frantic at home. He is home alone with kids right now. I must head home.

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Melody, I'm as angry as I've ever been right now. I did say that to my wife, when what I should have said was that Fred had told me, after talking to you about about trying to snoop on my wife, not to keep posting and engaging with her. I apologize.


I did call my wife, and am angry. I am not a porn addict, and have not been online for porn in almost 10 years. I have viewed pornography over the last several years 3-4 times a year. I have not engaged in any other conduct, and I told my wife I'd take a polygraph tomorrow, and meant it. Also said she was taking one too.

I have sat on this forum and tried to make my marriage work for six weeks, counseling weekly with Sandy. I have been advised to avoid engaging with my wife's lies and half-truths to skew things in her favor. I came to this forum and posted on my flaws and sought guidance and advice. My wife came to this forum and also posted on my flaws.

I welcome any questions, and am literally stunned about how she plans to offer proof of something that didn't happen.

I have had long talks with the close friends she recently "exposed" too. I asked them to meet with us tomorrow to discuss this, and ask my wife to support these (and other) baseless claims she made to them. I am an open book, have not hid my flaws, and have been slowly ground into submission by her conduct. I left our house, over the strong objection of Dr. H, Steve H. and Sandy, b/c of my W's alleged "anxiety aversion" to the monotonous life we had established at home, with no fights, not anger, no sarcasm, just routine. I have several nanny's who have lived with us who will certainly back this up.


I have been the primary care giver for our children, with my wife working 70-80 hours a week at her own business, leaving before they get up, and usually getting home just an hour before bed.

I didn't want a fight, I wanted my family back. Her actions these past view days have sadly led me to the conclusion that this is not something she ever wanted. I wanted to do MB, she didn't. Now we are here

I will post again, on my thread, and answer any and all questions, the harder the better....

HBS

Last edited by HopefulButScared; 05/29/10 11:51 PM.

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Oh, and I am not "frantic", I am livid. Imagine your husband or brother in my shoes, and imagine KNOWING he is innocent. How would he feel? How would you feel?

I am counterexposing to anyone I can reach, because I know the truth. I welcome them to my office computer, to my office laptop, to our home computer (would i be that stupid???), my cell records, my cc receipts, my credit check for other cards. I am an open book, and I fear a wife who is trying to rewrite history....


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I guess I have nothing to lose but to post the letter I just finished typing.

Here it is:

To our friends and family (specifically listed just close people)-

This letter is one of the hardest I have ever written. I am sitting in deep despair, embarrassment and shame so I am reaching out to those of you who are the very closest to HBSand I. I am praying you will find compassion and love in your hearts for us after reading my letter. Many of you attended our wedding. You stood up for us. You promised to support us and our marriage. I am reaching out today to ask you for that support now. It will be very difficult but I cannot do this alone.

Most of you know we have been separated now for a couple of months. This is our second separation. Our first happened in 2001 after I stumbled upon HBS's use of internet pornography. I soon came to learn that HBS had been engaged in internet pornography for some time, that his use was deeply involved and serious. In defining what was important in our own marriage, we had discussed the topic of pornography and internet pornography and I thought that we had agreed it did not have a place in our marriage. The discovery that day of the abuse of pornography, of other compulsive sexual behaviors that came to light, and of the lying and deceit that accompanied the behavior devastated me.

We attempted marital counseling but the compulsive behaviors were not really addressed. I chose to believe HBS when he told me he did not have a problem with compulsive sexual behavior, and could stop at that time and that it would never happen again. I was embarrassed and ashamed and did not believe I could share my pain with anyone. I then spent the next 9 years trying to force restraints and changes in his life and our marriage to control the behavior and remove the situations that I believed would trigger him and make him go back to those behaviors. Instead, it only helped create an environment where his stress increased, and ways to relieve stress increased, and his lying increased to hide his behaviors, and his compulsive behaviors resulted in the abuse of alcohol, extensive gambling, and increased lying and deceit. It has been an unbearable cycle for us both in different ways and for different reasons.

I left the marriage in March when after 2 months of new counseling, the same stories started down the same path as the previous course. At that time, I walked away from both a marriage counselor and a program for married couples we had recently discovered. At that time HBS admitted he had been re-engaged in the use of pornography prior to that date, but that he committed to stopping again. He also agreed at that time to cease all gambling and alcohol use. He has admitted that he has extreme difficulty handling stress and I believe that the cycle of sexual compulsion and gambling

He has admitted to an extensive history of lying and deceit to hide compulsive behaviors, to protect himself from others knowing, to avoid consequences from me and others, and to protect the image he so badly wants others to have of him as being a great guy. I do love the great guy I know ****** can be. I hate the person he becomes when his compulsive behaviors take over. I have been unable to separate them for many years.

I believed and have stated I wanted a divorce from ****** because I wrongly believed him when he said he could control all of these behaviors and did not have a compulsion for alcohol, gambling or sexual behaviors. When I chose to believe him, I failed him and our marriage and our children because I then took his behaviors as controllable choices he made, and that made those behaviors actions that he actively chose to engage in instead of a result of a disease or compulsion. By wrongly believing he consciously made each choice to act as he has intentionally was more hurt than I could handle. In my own hurt, I could not see beyond his denial and into the power of the addiction. I refused to even consider continuing counseling because I wanted to believe he had control over his urges and choices but could not go on when I knew things were out of control as they were.

Today, I am coming to you to tell you I do not want a divorce from ***** and I do not want to end our family through divorce. I want to try and save our marriage from the destruction of compulsive behaviors openly and honestly with those closest to us, and end the cycle of compulsive behavior that has plagued our marriage and tormented ******. Whether ****** is an addict of gambling, alcohol or sexual behaviors is not my title to give. And I ask that you not give him any title he does not choose for himself. But I do ask you to be willing to open your hearts and your minds to our personal and very private struggles and to please step forward and be willing to help save our marriage without judgment. I am committing to do what is in my power to face our problems and save our marriage and our family. Please know that I will respect your decision to not become involved if that is what you decide is best for you. I just ask that you consider supporting us during this time in our lives.

Sincerely,
Lion

Last edited by JustUss; 05/29/10 09:00 PM. Reason: removed names
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Help me here PLEASE!

When asked as I have been just now for "proof" I can't figure out if I am suppose to not respond or reply with the info.

I will reply with the info but if that is wrong, PLEASE tell me. And I won't do it again. I really, really want to do this right.

Portion of email from HBS to me:
With respect to pornography, I have used it sparingly in the past five years, and never online, but I have used it and am sure I would have used it more had there been more opportunities, and did as recently as January. With respect to alcohol and gambling, my review of my history, particularly how Ive dealt with my own stresses about our relationship, establish that Ive used these two things as an unhealthy crutch.

I am falling apart. I have to leave now for home.

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We've been reduced to exactly what Sandy said I should avoid by engaging, but I'm done taking the "high road". Please, produce your proof, here or anywhere. I've admitted my use, and it wasn't online, it was in the home. 3-4 times a year. That's it. No addiction. Nothing else. I've told Steve Harley, this, i've told Sandy this.

Message being sent here, men, is be careful what you acknowledge or admit as a form of looking for guidance and help in rebuilding a marriage with MB on this forum. Quite the chilling precedent...


HBS


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LOG, why are you doing this here when you have a paid coach from Marriage Builders?? Is the goal to torment your husband, who you KNEW would read it? What is the point of all this?

And yes, HBS, you are correct, Fred did mention to me that he felt it best to not engage your wife on the board and I agreed with his assessment.

LOG, I feel like you are trying to drag the board into the middle of your personal conflict and I don't think thats fair to your H. There really is no reason for it since you have access to Dr Harley and Sandy. Dr Harley certainly wouldn't allow you to lovebust each other this way in the same room.

So what are you doing? Besides purposely tormenting your H?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
LOG, why are you doing this here when you have a paid coach from Marriage Builders?? Is the goal to torment your husband, who you KNEW would read it? What is the point of all this?

And yes, HBS, you are correct, Fred did mention to me that he felt it best to not engage your wife on the board and I agreed with his assessment.

LOG, I feel like you are trying to drag the board into the middle of your personal conflict and I don't think thats fair to your H. There really is no reason for it since you have access to Dr Harley and Sandy. Dr Harley certainly wouldn't allow you to lovebust each other this way in the same room.

So what are you doing? Besides purposely tormenting your H?


Amen ML.

Very troubling this.

LorG I have questioned your judgement since you started posting but said nothing until now. I have no idea what the whole story is but you two don't need to fight it out on this board.

SWW

Last edited by sickwithworry; 05/29/10 09:03 PM.
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Originally Posted By: LionOrGazelle
IToday, I am coming to you to tell you I do not want a divorce from ****** and I do not want to end our family through divorce. I want to try and save our marriage from the destruction of compulsive behaviors openly and honestly with those closest to us, and end the cycle of compulsive behavior that has plagued our marriage and tormented ******. Whether ****** is an addict of gambling, alcohol or sexual behaviors is not my title to give.


LOG, if this is true, then why did you refuse to do what Dr Harley and Sandy told you to do? You walked away from the program right when you started instead of following their instructions.

They told you not to separate, you separated. So, I find it incredible that you come here and say you don't want a divorce when your actions say otherwise.

The solution is to move back in together and work this program. NOT trot out every past grievance, real and imagined of your H and continually hammer him with it when he is ready and willing to do what it takes to repair your marriage. You asked him to be honest and then punished him publicly with that information. That behavior is not consistent with someone who is truly SINCERE about recovering her marriage.

The purpose of exposure is to help someone out of the FOG and get them to stop their destructive behavior. Your H is not currently using porn, so the only conceivable reason for sending your "exposure" letter is to humiliate and harm him. I suspect that might be the purpose.

Last edited by Breezemb; 05/29/10 09:31 PM. Reason: editing quote

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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LOG,

You asked me to check out your new thread.

I have!

You need to follow Dr. Harley & your coach's advice.

Your story looks very convoluted to me. If your H is willing to do a polygraph, I would take him up on his offer.

But I believe he has as much right to as you for a polygraph as well..... Your staying at work all hours of the night reeks of an affair. Is this what's happening? Or are you willing to take a poly as well??





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Now I'm crying. I almost hit submit on a post that I'd been working on that would have continued the deterioration of this sad drama--til I refreshed the page--saw ML and SWW's words. I deleted it.

I have reasons for what I've done these past few weeks. Fred_in_VA knows them, Sandy knows them, I've been told ML knows them. They are reasons that I've ached to share with the forum when I couldn't.

Hardest four weeks of my life dealing with a suspected WW who's been handed the MB snooping playbook before the game started. I've prayed to God that she not be a WW, I've prayed to God to give me the evidence she was (if she was) so I could leave this month of purgatory. Just let me know so that I could move on with a plan to rebuild.

We just talked, she says she isn't wayward. I choose to believe her for a variety of reasons, some good, some bad.

I want to sleep for a year. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I'm taking my own advice to BT from last night, gonna maybe take a walk or try to sleep.

I'll be at Sandy's beck and call whenever she wants. Same with Dr. H, same with Steve. I see no hope for us outide this program and it's phenomenal support.

I apologize again to the forum, and those that care so much for nameless, faceless people like us, for my part in tonight's unfortunate events....

HBS


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Originally Posted By: tst
But I believe he has as much right to as you for a polygraph as well..... Your staying at work all hours of the night reeks of an affair. Is this what's happening? Or are you willing to take a poly as well??


LOG, I have to agree with tst here that TWO polygraphs are very much in order here after reading your post to Dr Harley over on the weekend forum. This part raises major red flags for me after reading your convoluted reasons for kicking out your husband:

Originally Posted By: LionorGazelle
He has been living away for about a month now. Just last night it was his night with the kids and I was away. I asked if he could stay a little later before he left for home so I could try and complete some work at the office. He was willing to but not happy about it because it would mean he was commuting home 25 minutes sometime around 11pm.

I offered to let him stay in the extra bedroom if that would make it easier for him despite the fact that it was not something I really wanted to do. He accepted. When 11pm rolled around, I found myself exactly where I have been for several years now. Frozen in anxiety and not wanting to go home so as to avoid more issues with him. I feel panic when I think I am going home and he will be there. I am unable to motivate myself to leave and head for home because I want to avoid the interactions at all costs. redflag So I end up staying at the office awake all night, driving home at 4am so I can jump into the shower, get ready and leave again. redflagThis causes me great physical and mental stress, and is taking its toll on my body and my mental capability to handle other stresses. Since he has been out of the home, I have not had those feelings and have had no issues going home.



If I were your husband, I would not only be moving my ass home, but I would demanding a serious explanation for why you stayed out all night. He has a right to know. "Frozen in anxiety?" C'mon..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: HopefulButScared

We just talked, she says she isn't wayward. I choose to believe her for a variety of reasons, some good, some bad.



I think that is a great start that she says she is not wayward. Would she will be willing to take a polygraph? Additionally, how about moving back home and really working this program together?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,

So much for a walk or sleep, I had to catch up with BT's situation.

I was going to move back tonight, but friends talked me out of it b/c of potential for conflict after the evening's events, kids present, etc.

So for tonight, neutral corners.

I've been wrestling with that issue for a better part of three weeks. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I want to work this program together under the same roof. But absent proof of an A, I'd rather not barnstorm in...

HBS


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HBS, I hope you agree it is a good idea to move back home. Truly it is not in the best interest of your marriage to move out. Your wife has said she wants to work on the marriage, so I would move in and take her up on that offer. It is your home, after all. You have a right to be in your home.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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