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BTinTrouble #2382015 05/29/10 07:59 PM
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Your pocket responses are good.

Also use the words:

"Our family"
"We are family"

Etc .... Instead of only mentioning "marriage".

Do not be afraid to respond in off topic ways.

WW: "I never loved you."

You: "I love our family."

You know not to say ILY during this time, ya?


Well, you sure as heck can say you love "Our family."


BTinTrouble #2382016 05/29/10 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
"what dont you understand about me leaving?"
(I am here when you are ready to work on this marriage)

ok, there is that line of thinking again that says "i threaten to leave = i have entitlement to cheat.":

If she excuses this with "i'm leaving" respond like like this.

"You may be leaving, but until we are divorced, we are married and this is adultery. WHEN WILL YOU WILL LEAVING?"

BT, I don't believe she has any intention of leaving anyway but has used this as an excuse to get "space" from you. I would remind her FIRMLY that you are married until you are divorced and if she is "leaving" you will sure hate to her go, but WHEN is she leaving?

Tell her that as long as she lives with you she is NOT FREE to carry on her adultery. DEMAND that she end her affair. DEMAND, don't ask. Be sure and tell her that in your state you have grounds for adultery and that you will not cooperate with any divorce schemes.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382018 05/29/10 08:03 PM
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Agree BT, just be a broken record, don't let her goad you into her anger (and believe me she will try).

Just remain calm and keep your focus........

BTinTrouble #2382022 05/29/10 08:12 PM
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You did not invade her privacy. You invaded her SECRECY. There should be no secrecy in a marriage. Your responses are fine.

She is going to be totally on the defensive now. Maintain your composure and show her that her H has no intention of destroying your M, your family and the lives of OMW and her family.

She has no intention of divorcing you. Remember - she's an addict. You're going to help clean her up. And we'll be there to help you when you go into recovery. For now, stay calm. Be the Rock.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2382025 05/29/10 08:21 PM
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Ok, holy crap, just talked to WWs Dad... WWs best friend drove over to their house for me so he could use her phone...

YES!!

OK, so I guess WW talked to her dad for a bit a month and a half ago, and he told me he suspected she was up to [censored] just from talking to her, and told her "you better do right by your husband. You might not be beholden to him, but you are beholden to your vows, you better not do something stupid"

So, he is firmly in the camp of "WW WAKE UP."

I guess she mentioned coming out to see him in July or something.

I am wondering if maybe I should support that and send her out there. At this point, if I buy her ticket and drop her off at the airport, and her dad picks her up, I am even comfortable sending our son with her, since he would really like to see him. If FIL is firmly in the fight, then I think we really have a chance, and sending her to CA (from NC) might really be the ticket to ENFORCE NC.

IDK, what do you guys think? It gives some solid time to Plan A and such.

FIL says he will get a phone with the money I sent him and call me back in a couple days. He said he doesnt want to confront WW too much on the phone, and would prefer to get her down to go out and visit him before he lets loose on her in person.

Thoughts?

Thanks for the comments on dealing with her. I am just barely starting to have a glimmer of hope.

She has always worshipped her Dad, and I think he is a swell guy (seeing as we are a lot alike). Maybe just maybe...

I am trying not to crush the hope relentlessly, but it feels so nice to have that little flame inside...

Last edited by BTinTrouble; 05/29/10 09:21 PM.

Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2382029 05/29/10 08:24 PM
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Oh yeah, and OMW has my WWs number (its in her phone records as much as OMs number is in my phone records).

So yeah, not sure what she will do with that.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2382036 05/29/10 08:38 PM
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Good!

Add, "Would you like a cookie" after responding to an outburst and you got it! No relationship talk for now, working on the marriage blah blah blah, just light hearted convo and reverse babble.

I tink' you gots it!

SWW

BTinTrouble #2382042 05/29/10 08:50 PM
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Ok, talked to OMW again, I guess OM told OM'sSon that he would be home Wednesday... so they are staying out all weekend?

OMWs daughter wants to throw the news on facebook, and I offered to put it up as well, on both my page and my wifes for any last person who HASNT heard, and link to eachothers pages.

Thoughts?


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2382043 05/29/10 08:50 PM
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BT,

You have been phenominal in protectiong your marriage.

Now, one of my childhood heroes was a pitcher named Warren Spahn. He pitched for the Milwaukee Braves way back when when the Braves were in Milwaukee. He could pitch fifteen innings and lose a game 0-1 or win a game 1-0, which he often did. Compared to the pantywaists of today, he was phenominal.

BT, you are not quite Warren Spahn yet. You're getting there, you're so close in terms of MB. You are in like the third inning and have a long long way to go. Like Spahnnie, you have a great team behind you. He had Mathews, Aaron, Adcock, and several others. You have a great team as well, including your relatives and friends and the MB vets, who I believe sincerely care about you And your wife.

Spahnnie needed an extra day of rest after pitching a long game, and I think you do too now. Relax, let your team now kick in and do some of the work. Watch a fun movie with your son, get to bed early.

Just my thoughts for you,

Tom

BTinTrouble #2382045 05/29/10 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Ok, talked to OMW again, I guess OM told OM'sSon that he would be home Wednesday... so they are staying out all weekend?

OMWs daughter wants to throw the news on facebook, and I offered to put it up as well, on both my page and my wifes for any last person who HASNT heard, and link to eachothers pages.

Thoughts?

DO IT!

After all they have nothing to be ashamed of right?

SWW

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BT you need to remove the name in your last post. And i am not sure about letting her take your son even if it is to her dad's house.

I will let the vets weigh in on that one but right now she is still going to be foggy and i am not sure if letting her leave the state with your son is a good idea.

She may try to use it against you some how, like you shipped her and your son off somewhere i dunno.....

Still_Crazy #2382049 05/29/10 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
BT you need to remove the name in your last post. And i am not sure about letting her take your son even if it is to her dad's house.

I will let the vets weigh in on that one but right now she is still going to be foggy and i am not sure if letting her leave the state with your son is a good idea.

She may try to use it against you some how, like you shipped her and your son off somewhere i dunno.....


WHAT?!!!

SON STAYS WITH YOU BT! PLEASE!

SWW

BTinTrouble #2382052 05/29/10 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Ok, talked to OMW again, I guess OM told OM'sSon that he would be home Wednesday... so they are staying out all weekend?

OMWs daughter wants to throw the news on facebook, and I offered to put it up as well, on both my page and my wifes for any last person who HASNT heard, and link to eachothers pages.

Thoughts?

Not sure if it means they are staying out or not but it sounds like it.

The longer she stays away the better your chances of getting sole custody of your son.......

As far as facebook i guess that is up to you, the exposure is to break up the A and needs to be anyone who can help. The OMW daughter will be posting nasty stuff about your wife i am sure......

BTinTrouble #2382054 05/29/10 09:03 PM
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SWW from this post.....


Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Ok, holy crap, just talked to WWs Dad... WWs best friend drove over to their house for me so he could use her phone...

YES!!

OK, so I guess WW talked to her dad for a bit a month and a half ago, and he told me he suspected she was up to [censored] just from talking to her, and told her "you better do right by husband. You might not be beholden to him, but you are beholden to your vows, you better not do something stupid"

So, he is firmly in the camp of "WW WAKE UP."

I guess she mentioned coming out to see him in July or something.

I am wondering if maybe I should support that and send her out there. At this point, if I buy her ticket and drop her off at the airport, and her dad picks her up, I am even comfortable sending our son with her, since he would really like to see him. If FIL is firmly in the fight, then I think we really have a chance, and sending her to CA (from NC) might really be the ticket to ENFORCE NC.

IDK, what do you guys think? It gives some solid time to Plan A and such.

FIL says he will get a phone with the money I sent him and call me back in a couple days. He said he doesnt want to confront WW too much on the phone, and would prefer to get her down to go out and visit him before he lets loose on her in person.

Thoughts?

Thanks for the comments on dealing with her. I am just barely starting to have a glimmer of hope.

She has always worshipped her Dad, and I think he is a swell guy (seeing as we are a lot alike). Maybe just maybe...

I am trying not to crush the hope relentlessly, but it feels so nice to have that little flame inside...

Still_Crazy #2382055 05/29/10 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
SWW from this post.....


Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
I am wondering if maybe I should support that and send her out there. At this point, if I buy her ticket and drop her off at the airport, and her dad picks her up, I am even comfortable sending our son with her, since he would really like to see him. If FIL is firmly in the fight, then I think we really have a chance, and sending her to CA (from NC) might really be the ticket to ENFORCE NC.

IDK, what do you guys think? It gives some solid time to Plan A and such.

Posession is nine points of the law BT! This is a volatile situation. You trust NO ONE but yourself, not your FIL, NO ONE BUT YOU WITH YOUR SON!

I mean it dude.

SWW

Last edited by sickwithworry; 05/29/10 09:08 PM.
BTinTrouble #2382058 05/29/10 09:11 PM
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BT.

"Hitting is timing. Pitching is upsetting timing" -
Warren Spahn. Source: "Brainy Quote".

Application: 'hitting' is the affair. Upsetting the affair is Your pitching.

Rest your arm....*s*

Tom



BTinTrouble #2382060 05/29/10 09:13 PM
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Quote
OK, so I guess WW talked to her dad for a bit a month and a half ago, and he told me he suspected she was up to [censored] just from talking to her, and told her "you better do right by BH. You might not be beholden to him, but you are beholden to your vows, you better not do something stupid"

Your WW doesn't need to repair her M with her Daddy. She needs to repair it with her husband. She IS beholden to you because she and you are your M. No. You do not send her to her father. If he thinks he can help, which is great - you both go.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/29/10 10:39 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2382064 05/29/10 09:17 PM
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maritalbliss that is what i was thinking too, it would actually be good for all of you to go together if your WW is willing......

Still_Crazy #2382065 05/29/10 09:27 PM
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WOW!! Thank you guys so much, I hadnt even considered that.

We can still do MB over the phone from there too.

I still have appt Tues night.

OK OK TOM =D

Hey, whoever caught my slip with my name, thank you, there is a quote by Maritalbliss that still has it, if you wouldnt mind editing it out marital.

Sorry guys.

Ok Tom, your baseball stuff confuses me but I get the analogy. I am going to go to bed you guys, I dont believe she will come home.

So sad.

I slept in our bed last night. At first it was sickening, but then I changed the sheets and thought to myself, "I am not going to let that F**** take my bed from me." I felt a bit better, and it felt so good to sleep on a bed again after the couch.

I didnt realize it till now, but the couch always made me feel like I had done something wrong, but I didnt really feel like I had done anything wrong and it was very confusing.

I am so glad you guys convinced me to get a VAR. I dont know...

I dont know how I could ever repay that.

To all of you that 2x4d me over and over relentlessly, I thank you so much.

Some day, if we recover from this, I am going to show WW how much help you guys were. Not for a long time, not till I am sure I trust her, but I will, if she wants to see it.

I dont know where I would be if I hadnt found HNHN.

shudder....

((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone on mb forums)))))))))))))))))))))))))


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2382068 05/29/10 09:31 PM
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It was me BT and i changed it in your quote, it says husband....

And yes you need to get some sleep!!!!!

okay nevermind i see it now on maritalbliss

Last edited by Still_Crazy; 05/29/10 09:32 PM.
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