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HopefulButScared #2382240 05/30/10 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by HopefulButScared
To be clear, I will do the polygraph, because the truth is as I've stated, and because my hope is that it will allow LoG to let go of some of the things to which she's never gotten a satisfactory answer, because sometimes the truth simply doesn't explain it well.

Once all the truth is on the table, it must never be brought up again. I agree with you, HBS, that this is not a safe environment for you to be truthful. Her sending out a smear letter about you to friends and family is a form of terrorism and you need assurance that this will STOP.

Dr Harley calls this kind of abuse "secondary gain."

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.



Coping with Infidelity: Part 4
Overcoming Resentment


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382246 05/30/10 01:00 PM
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LionorGazelle, please believe that I am on the side of your marriage and would be happy to help you turn this around. I really do like you [I just love smart capable women!] and care about you, but won't support marriage wrecking tactics.

I am here to help you if you decide to take the steps to save this. This is very recoverable, all it takes is your willingness.

I am extending my offer of help and I mean this sincerely.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley to LionorGazelle
He [HBS] is willing to do whatever it takes to overcome and be held accountable for the very bad habit and Love Buster of dishonesty. That makes your problem solvable. We are willing to help him overcome that habit.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382251 05/30/10 01:14 PM
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Now I'm confused, what changed for you, LoG, between your 5am posts and your 9:49am post? I am here, ready to talk and work...

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382268 05/30/10 02:01 PM
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Well folks, a fun new twist!!! Wife just left with kids (her day) and I went over to house to change clothes, but.... GUESS WHAT??? All of the new locks she had changed two three weeks ago (to which I had the code until yesterday) were locked! We never lock the garage door entry because you can't get into our gargage.

Being suspicious of wife's behavior these past few weeks, I had taken a key from the rings that were left when locksmith left. I went the 20 feet to the cottage we are renting and got key and entered.

GUESS WHAT??? Our alarm system when off. We haven't armed it since we had it installed in February.

So I entered our code that worked yesterday when the power went out.

GUESS WHAT??? It didn't work.

I called the alarm company to stop the alarm, gave them the code, and they said it had been changed THIS MORNING.

GUESS WHAT?? Then the cops came. I explained and showed my ID and they left. But....

GUESS WHAT?? I can't shut off the alarm, which will go off anytime I move around in the house or open any door BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE CODE.

GUESS WHO'S NOT ANSWERING HER CELL PHONE??????

I'm back in the house, and I ain't leaving. I will not engage in arguments with her, I will not raise my voice, but I am now convinced she has had a strategy for weeks (months?) to get me out of the house, change the locks and the alarm, make me look like I abandonned her and the kids, and then try to convince everyone that I am an addict/unfit etc.

BT?? Your thread has been a roller coaster, mine is becoming a shuttle launch.


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382271 05/30/10 02:08 PM
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I just talked to the friends who have been involved these past few days. My wife called the woman, said she had "Quit MB" and was taking the kids and wouldn't say where. I'm a lawyer, but not in this area. Any advice? Do I call the cops on an Amber alert? What??


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382275 05/30/10 02:27 PM
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It's certainly not my area of expertise (gee, I'm encountering so many these days), but since the cops already came in response to the alarm system going off, it seems you already have a basis for concern. I'd call them.

Your kids should not be pawns in whatever game is being played.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2382279 05/30/10 02:38 PM
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BUMP!

Melody? Family attorneys? Anyone?

Do I put out an Amber alert? What?

Her parents know nothing....

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382280 05/30/10 02:39 PM
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Call the police. Do it now.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2382290 05/30/10 03:09 PM
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CALL THE POLICE

THEN

CALL A GOOD ATTORNEY

Last edited by Bubbles4U; 05/30/10 03:10 PM.
Bubbles4U #2382299 05/30/10 03:34 PM
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Via friends, we've located her at a local mall. Her mom, who has gotten only her version (I'm an addict etc) is protecting her and lied to me, which I can accept and understand under the circumstances.

They are safe, and she is telling no one or even intimating that something is wrong or that she has taken the steps she has with the house.

She told friends she needs the day away from me. I'm not leaving the house again, and am sleeping in MY/our bed tonight.


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382303 05/30/10 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by HopefulButScared
She told friends she needs the day away from me. I'm not leaving the house again, and am sleeping in MY/our bed tonight.

Good man! It is your home and you can't very well work on the marriage if you aren't there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382309 05/30/10 04:11 PM
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What next ML? I've had my friend here, but he has to leave. She may or may not know I've breached her protective measures.

I am no longer nearly as convinced (you might say) that she is not wayward. More to come...

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382310 05/30/10 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by HopefulButScared
What next ML? I've had my friend here, but he has to leave. She may or may not know I've breached her protective measures.

I am no longer nearly as convinced (you might say) that she is not wayward. More to come...

HBS

Do you have a tape recorder handy? If you do, I would leave it on, just for protection.

And what next? I would stay put and get your stuff moved back.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


HopefulButScared #2382314 05/30/10 04:39 PM
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No Amber Alert...

No cops...

You KNOW they are with her and she has every legal right to be with them.

Seek out an attorney and get his/her advice on how to proceed appropriately in your case and in your state.

She's reading here too...so I hesitate to say much more than that.

Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
MelodyLane #2382315 05/30/10 04:41 PM
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Never really moved much, just my dop kit and some bare bones clothes which I can get tomorrow (don't want to leave again in case she gets home).

I still don't know about the wayward stuff. W is wrong that I snooped and found nothing, I found more questions. I had the GPS pre-paid phone in her car all day Wednesday. It stopped transmitting around 5pm, which had happened before, and I assumed the phone's battery had died because that's what happened in the past. When I retrieved them that night, the phone was active, the battery wasn't dead, and the GPS program was not running. The VAR was right next to the phone, and had 3 minutes and 40 seconds of digital tape. It's a twenty minute ride to her work which usually produced the odd cell call and music. Now, nothing.

Our friend who was exposed to all this (lit. and fig.) said that his conversation with my wife was when she was in her car that day. Nothing on tape. I have to assume the VAR was erased.

Last night, she demanded and got my keys to her car, the VAR and the phone. Why, if nothing to hide?


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382316 05/30/10 04:45 PM
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She's here now, ignoring my basic questions, refuses to give me the alarm code. Says she's emailed her lawyer and mine, but it's a holiday weekend, says she expects me to take poly on Tuesday. She packed up some things and says she's taking the kids (with her mom now) to a waterpark hotel for next two nights, and then they will be back here, but she won't stay here with me in the house. Don't know what that means. She looks ragged and sick....

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382319 05/30/10 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by HopefulButScared
She looks ragged and sick....
So did my WW after things came out in the open.

Stay in your house. And yes -- talk to a lawyer (you are one, aren't you? You must know one who would/could fit the bill).


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
HopefulButScared #2382322 05/30/10 05:00 PM
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I haven't posted on this thread before, and most of it is waaaay above my head, but as a FWW I will say this, I noticed a post toward the beginning where LorG said that the friend she talked to about the GPS was male, and that she was at his house. Male friends are a HUGE no-no. I don't care if you two have known him for 20 years. She does not EVER need to be alone with him or any man - ever. Same with you and a woman. When your M is this precarious and vulnerable, you need 15 inch thick concrete EP's.

HopefulButScared #2382326 05/30/10 05:13 PM
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I asked her why the lawyers? She said she wants to "formalize our agreement". I said what agreement? She said our agreement that you live elsewhere, I said, "That's not going to happen", so she said something about moving forward the other way (divorce I assume) then closed the door and left.

HBS

Last edited by HopefulButScared; 05/30/10 05:16 PM.

Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382330 05/30/10 05:20 PM
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Lurioosi,

The male friend is 1/2 of the couple that she exposed to on Wednesday. He was here with me today for a good part of the day trying to help me find her, and is definitely not an OM. His wife has been involved as well, and I know she was there when he and W met last night (she had a migraine and told her H that she didn't want to get dragged into the middle of this). W showed up with the only goal of handing him her letter she posted above. He said he didn't want it, but W gave it to him anyway.

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
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