I think I just messed up! I told my husband I saw the OH today. He was furious! We got into it and though I did not yell or argue I accused him of walking on out on us.... me and the kids...

He also asked me to take a ride with him a friendly ride because he didn't want me taking it the wrong way and I got mad....

I told him it would be better if he wasn't here so much so I could move on! He started crying and said whatever if I wasn't fine with him spending time here then I should have said so.

I asked him why he was willing to throw it all away and he said when people get to this point sometimes thing get thrown away! I asked him what he expected to find out there!
He told me he knew how much he had to lose and that he probably wouldn't find anyone like me but it was a chance he needed to take in order to figure out why he felt like he didn't love me the same anymore!

Its like im on the fast track to total isolation!

HELP I NEED TO REPAIR DAMAGE!

Set up times for you and him to be with the kids. Show him that no matter what happens, they are the most important thing. Make plans for family fun. Take some pressure off of it being the two of you.

Let him know you want the family as a whole

Did you read through the entire thread that I linked for you ih my first post? Did you click on all of the Blue links to the other threads? There is a lot of info, I know. Believe me, it is WELL WORTH IT.

You are trying to make yourself into the best YOU that you can be. You will become the woman that your WH married.

So, has this affair been exposed? That is part of Plan A.

He told me the depression is beginning to lift now that he is out of the house! I also just found out he is actively looking for an apartment because he cant stay with his dad anymore.
He also asked me to go on vacation with him and the kids to put our feeling aside and go fo the kids sake. I initially said no but I am thinking maybe I should go?

-----------
Me 34
WS 36
Married 18yrs
D-day May 3rd
A started march 2010
Ended May 2010

Lisa if you think the A is over then i would go with him and the kids, it is a perfect opportunity for you to be the BEST you can be and show him how much better things can be as a whole family.

I honestly DO NOT know what plan you are in?? Are you in Plan B? doesn't seem so, are you in Plan A? Doesn't look like it either. So I can't help you I'm sorry, the only advise I can give you is you need to READ EVERYTHING on this site, because I am totally lost on what you are trying to do.

I have been reading everything on this site and I am a little bit overwhelmed. As of yesterday I was not doing either plan. I am going to start implementing plan A starting today.

I have been going to counseling in order to focus on the things about myself I want to change. I also have been going to the gym everyday.
The thing I have been unable to do is stopping the fighting and the relationship discussions. I can kind of see him starting to withdraw because of this.
He came over today and I helped him do his laundry and then asked him if he wanted to watch a video to which he agreed. I asked him to sit with me which he did and as we watched we actually enjoyed the movie.
He sees me flip flopping which just reinforces the fact that I probably will not change in his mind. I am bound and determined to do just that! This is a wake-up call that my life and marriage was not on the right path.
So I asked him to go riding with me today which is something he quite enjoys and he agreed so I know he isn't completely out the door yet. I told him just friendly ride so as to take the pressure off.

Wish me luck!

Just got back from ride and we had a great time. This is very painful! I am reminded of how much fun we could have and at the same time I know we are in such danger of failing!

I am 100% sure the A is over.

He is still in his I don't know if I love you mode and is enjoying the freedom of being separated.

I am still reading all the info on this site but plan A is in full effect. I am working on my part of plan A but I still am confused on how to meet his needs at this time since what he keeps telling me is that he needs time and space.

I am going to keep an open door policy with him for now. I am going to keep inviting him to do things on a friendship level and a family level to remind him of what we had.

-----------------------
Me 34
WS 36
Married 18yrs
D-day May 3rd
A started march 2010
Ended May 2010

Had a relapse last nite! I let someone make comments to me about my WH leaving the bar with his friends and some girls! I went crazy and had AO as well as DJ.
He told me again last night I am just pushing him farther away and that he doesnt want to come home untill he can figure out what he wants.

He told me I need to be rational about everything! That I need to be able to calm down and stop to think things through before I accuse him of stuff!

This is really hard! I want to stop the AO and DJ but seem unable to do so!

Back to starting plan A again!

I feel like I am self sabotaging! I should just stop talking to people who see him everyday. I know he is partying it up right now and it just hurts!

I am reading all the information on the website just having trouble applying the concepts due to my own problem controlling my anger and judgements!

They keep telling me he is playing me for a fool!


HELP!!!!! ANYONE I NEED ADVICE!


-----------------------
Me 34
WS 36
Married 18yrs
D-day May 3rd
A started march 2010
Ended May 2010

Lisa,
Sorry you are here. Have you read the Carrot & Stick of Plan A (LInk below). The problem I see from your last post is that you are focusing totally on him and what he is doing. You need to change the focus onto you. You will feel more confident if you have a plan to follow. The plan is to help you get through whatever the end result may be. Stick to your plan. If you want to heal the wound, you have to take care of it. By having AO and DJ you are picking at the wound and bleeding. You will be the one left to bleed, not your WS. Focus on you so you can heal, no matter what comes.

Pep's Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Wait! Is he out of the house? Are you in Plan B? If he is not coming back to you I suggest you go visit a lawyer and start protecting yourself when he literally leaves! Have you exposed yet? if not THEN DO SO!! He is lieing to you, he is cheating on you, and what are you doing? Sitting there and letting it happen? Do this.

1. Find a lawyer and see him FAST!
2. Gather ALL the evidence and show this to your lawyer.
3. EXPOSE this A!! Tell everyone why he left the house!
4. Start protecting yourself NOW!

It doesn't not sounds like your husband wants to come back to any time soon, so you can sit there and watch your husband cheating on you, or you can do these things so he has the pressure to make his decision faster, either come back to you and save his M, or finally set you free from all the anguish. Which do you want??

Plan A is only recommended for about 4 weeks if you can handle it. You should consult a lawyer to see what your rights are in your state. And yes, you should expose to the people who will support and help you try to save your marriage.

Affair Exposure 101
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=407164#Post407164

This is a post of mine from a different thread, thought you might need to know about this as well.

This is what I know to be true for WS (For being one myself)

1. We want to avoid our family because it will be easier for us to justify what we are doing (the A) when we see them happy, we get angry, upset, jealous, resentful, etc. SO the reason why he doesn't want to see you and the kids is because of this reason. Same reason why we don't like it when our BS is nice to us, because we feel bad on what we are doing, so we just get angry, that is why PLAN A is sooo important! So that the WS feels guilty all the time, and when the fog lifts they will realize that the best thing for them is right in front of them, their FAMILY!!)

2. We are very unhappy in our marriage because we know we are the ones ruining it. I think its soo hilarious that the WS will blame the BS for their unhappiness. Even if he tells you that the A is over, he is lying, we lie, again to justify what we are doing, to convince our self's that the only thing that can help us become happy is to have an A, but the BIG OL TRUTH about that is the only reason why we are unhappy in our marriage is because WE ARE having an A, and it is addiction. Isn't it funny when you hear all these people who say "I haven't been happy for years!" but yet the only person who is making themselves unhappy is them self? So they think having an A will FIX it, and guess what? It only DEEPENS there unhappiness.

3. WS LOVES to blame their unhappiness to there BS, we think it is their fault for letting us find someone else, we will think of every little thing that our spouse has done to us that made us feel bad. Letting them know that these were the reasons why we had an A, but in reality it is just another lie! WS are very good at lying to everyone, we are the best lires, want to know why? Because we do the biggest lie there is, and that is WE LIE TO OURSELVES! We literally self sabotage our marriage and life! WS are very selfish, until that FOG lifts we do not realize it.

That is why I think there is a BIG RED FLAG when you tell us that your husband doesn't want to spend time with you or the kids, he's still in the A. How long will you get your phone bill? You really need to expose this A if you want your marriage to recover. I really don't think him being at his fathers is going to help either, you need to have him move back in ASAP! Why did he leave? Did you kick him out or did he leave on his own?

Thanks for this link !

You are right I am so focused on him its not even funny!

I am terrified of letting go because I cant imagine my life with out him. I have to understand he is confused and hurting as well.

We did have a conversation today about how he had been trying for years to tell me how my weight gain affected him, and how my constant nagging and fighting was making him feel like he couldnt do anything right. He also told me he feels like I cant control my AO or my DJ as well as he said I always try to see double meaning into anything he said.

He also told me today he feels like all this is just making his love feel less.

I guess I do need to refocus on plan A and realy control my lovebusters! I ordered the book and the workbook!

He does say he want to give us a chance and that he is trying. I should understand that he is trying!

As for his depression after reading all the colums on infidelity I realized his depression is lifting not because he is out of the house but because he is probably comming out of withdrawl!

Time to make some deposits in that LB!

Thanks
-----------------------
Me 34
WS 36
Married 18yrs
D-day May 3rd
A started march 2010
Ended May 2010

He asked for a separation within the house but I was not allowed to question his commings and goings!
I told him I did not think I could handle that.

I also did not mean to imply he does not spend time with us he does he is at the house every day. Its at night he goes out to hang out.

The affair has been exposed to everyone including his family and mine as well as the OH and all of our friends.

I do beleive the affair is over even the OH is certain they are not communicating. I have been checking out phone bill and have not seen anything but I think he might have another phone not sure if its activated though.

Again he is saying it is because of our issues especially my AO and DJ that he beleives he doesnt love me anymore.

Should I get him back into the house even though he wants no strings separation?

-----------------------
Me 34
WS 36
Married 18yrs
D-day May 3rd
A started march 2010
Ended May 2010

Quick summary:

May 1st:He asks for separation because he doesnt know if he loves me the right way

May 3rd: I discover affair after looking into phone bill

May 7th: I expose to all friends and family as well OH

May 8th: He is out of town visitng mother and I call him to tell him the husband know and has evidence of their cheating he then call the OW to tell her

May 9th: He returns home and tell me he still wants to leave that he never did anything with her it is a frienship that got a little out of hand but he started to have feelings for her

May 13th: he tells me he is having second thoughts about moving out cause he doesnt know if its the right thing. Can he stay and have a separation within the house but I am not allowed to question him in any way while he is doing the in house separation.

I say no way you need to leave

Since then we have been constantly fighting and I am discovering more lies

I have confronted the OW she is telling me she wants to save her marriage that she does not have feeling for him and that if he did well she did not return them.

He has been gone for 3 weeks about but has been comming every day to see the kids and on the weekends has been spending the entire day if not the majority of his day at the house.

He is calling me less often and separating himself because his therapist told him he cant give me mixed signals.

As of last night he still doesnt know if he loves me the right way and he told me years of AO, DJ, and just all around nagging has diminished his love. He wants space and time so he can figure this out for himself.

He did say his depression is lifting but I think its becasue he is comming out of withdrawl stage.

When i asked what he was getting out of all those phonce calls and texts he told me it was just a frienship that got out of hand.

She obviously was giving him the attention and understanding care that he felt I was not or have not over the years.

I want to implent plan A but now Im confused? Some say plan A should last 4 weeks to 3 months. Should I tell him to come home and accept that I cant ask him about his wereabouts?
-----------------------
Me 34
WS 36
Married 18yrs
D-day May 3rd
A started march 2010
Ended May 2010

This is what I would do, I would have him come home, don't ask him any questions where his whereabouts, be nice, loving, everything you need to do in order to have a successful plan A. If you want to ask where he was say something like this.

"where did you go tonight with your friends, want a cookie?"

no more love busters

Let him know how much you love him, and actually SHOW it to him, actions speaks louder then words.

If the A really IS over (which I doubt it is) then eventually he will come around.

Keep attending MC

DO NOT have him convince you that these texts and this so called "attention" was because you weren't giving him any, that is another lie.

When he upsets you, you gotta stay calm, put on your happy plan A face.

You have to do plan A before you do plan B, cause it looks like you are trying to do plan B and Plan A at the same time! And its not working, gotta do this step by step.

First thing first, MOVE HIM BACK HOME

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I will think about it becuase that is going to be difficult for me to have him comming and going as he pleases.

I do not know how to figure out if the A is still going on?

I mean I tried to think about ways of spying on him but since he is out of the house I do not know how?

I was tempted to hire a private investigator but cant afford it really. I have read a couple of threads on how to spy on him but he is very cleaver about covering his tracks.

If I tell him to come home no questions asked he would have to sleep in the extra room Because I can not have him in my room right now.

Also my kids are aware of why he is out of the house! If I let him back in but then have to implement plan B wont that hurt my kids more in the long run?


-----------------------
Me 34
WS 36
Married 18yrs
D-day May 3rd
A started march 2010
Ended May 2010

If you are worried go buy a GPS for his car so you know exactly where he is when he leaves.

But in order for you to do a Plan A he needs to move back in, I know it will be hard for you, but you can't do a plan A if he is not home.

Try it for 4 weeks, and if nothing changes and you find more evidence that he is in another A or seeing the OW, then go straight into plan B.

You can't do a in home separation I do agree on that. Explain to me a little how a "in home separation" works?