Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
HopefulButScared #2382334 05/30/10 05:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: HopefulButScared
I asked her why the lawyers? She said she wants to "formalize our agreement". I said what agreement? She said our agreement that you live elsewhere, I said, "That's not going to happen", so she said something about moving forward the other way (divorce I assume) then closed the door and left.

HBS


So much for her sincere expression of wanting to work on the marriage, huh?

HB, my suggestion would be to stay put and not cooperate with any divorce schemes.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


HopefulButScared #2382335 05/30/10 05:30 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
HBS, I think Lurioosi is stating a basic principle that being alone with a person of the opposite sex is simply bad form, and against MB principles.

If you are going to recover your marriage you are going to have to adopt these principles and not look to find exceptions and rationales.

Right now, you have a wife who is behaving -- if not wayward -- in a very bizarre fashion. There are too many questions unanswered.

But you're back in the house, which is a good start. She has the kids, but that could work in your favor, too. She can't keep them from you -- at least not yet -- unless she can find a way to legally prevent you. You cannot allow this to happen!

Right now, she can make assertions to friends and family, but she'll need to start coming up with facts if she wants to pursue this.

You're here now, and you're in the house. Stay close to both.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2382337 05/30/10 05:33 PM
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Dear LOG,

Congratulations!!!! you have successfully sabotaged your OWN MARRIAGE!!

P.S I think you have proven my signature "What you think about, you bring about" AN AWESOME EXAMPLE THANK YOU! smile

Last edited by SapphireReturns; 05/30/10 06:14 PM.
HopefulButScared #2382344 05/30/10 05:38 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: HopefulButScared
Our friend who was exposed to all this (lit. and fig.) said that his conversation with my wife was when she was in her car that day. Nothing on tape. I have to assume the VAR was erased.

Last night, she demanded and got my keys to her car, the VAR and the phone. Why, if nothing to hide?


People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. I would hold her to her word about taking that polygraph next week.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382347 05/30/10 05:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
Can I take mine and give it to my family and you guys? Don't really feel like giving her the satisfaction right now....


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382350 05/30/10 05:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
Also, our mutual friend who was with me today said W was convinced if I passed the poly, that I had probably found a way to beat it....and I prove myself how???????

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382351 05/30/10 05:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: HopefulButScared
Can I take mine and give it to my family and you guys? Don't really feel like giving her the satisfaction right now....


You would be insane to take that polygraph under these conditions. She will use whatever comes to INDICT and incriminate you just as she tried in that letter. She clearly was never sincere about recovering your marriage.

I suspect the goal was to appear to be "working on the marriage', indict you for past behavior on this forum, and get you out so could charge with abandonment. Did you know we have had wayward wives kick out their husbands and then file divorce charging abandonment?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


HopefulButScared #2382353 05/30/10 05:51 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
I would get ahold of Dr Harley on the weeknd forum and show him this thread.

Ask him if you should feel safe taking a polygraph for your wife under these circumstances. Go post to him tonight, HBS, and ask him. He usually reads the board around 5am every day.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382368 05/30/10 06:15 PM
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
I meant to say LOG smile I fixed it tho smile

SapphireReturns #2382382 05/30/10 06:45 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
ML,

I posted to Dr. H, and linked to this thread. Good advice. Sheesh, what a cluster@!$#.

I asked Sandy this recently: how do you guys (Dr. H, Steve, Sandy, Kim, Jennifer, and YOU, I guess smile ) do this day in day out?? I'm exhausted from 1/1000th of the involvement.

I suppose that people who work in some arenas (e.g. who would ever want to be a pediatric oncologist?!?!) have an unbelievable instinct and push to help others that I admire greatly.

Home is empty and quiet, like BT, things are starting to drift into my head about what will happen and the future of my kids. Not a good feeling, not at all.....

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382386 05/30/10 06:51 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: HopefulButScared
I asked Sandy this recently: how do you guys (Dr. H, Steve, Sandy, Kim, Jennifer, and YOU, I guess ) do this day in day out?? I'm exhausted from 1/1000th of the involvement.


I LOVE IT. For me it is a labor of love because I just see a WEALTH of opportunities when newcomers come here. This program is absolutely GENIUS once you dig in and really understand the mechanics. It is unlike anything I have ever seen in this field.

I have seen so many marriages recover using these principles. And I have seen people who SORELY needed a divorce follow through and get one.

It always mystifies me when people say this is a place of "doom and gloom," because to me, this is a place of HOPE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382419 05/30/10 08:13 PM
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
And, for many of us, it's a place to "Pay it Forward."

Our marriages and/or our sanity were saved due to following Dr Harley's concepts & principles. When you see someone arrive here,,so lost, so shattered & broken, it's hard NOT to help. Especially when you KNOW help is available.

And, while not all marriages are saved (nor should some be) the PERSONAL success stories are equally rewarding. The broken heart & blow to your self-worth is devestating. Watching someone realize there IS a better tomorrow, they CAN become a stronger, better person/marital partner is amazing.

HBS, you're doing good. Something real strange is going on with your situation, but you are standing strong. You have great advice and are doing a good job on following it. You'll be OK.


Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
Nerlycrzy #2382447 05/30/10 09:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
Thanks Nerlycrzy,

I wish I had a crystal ball. Strange is a good word.

Strange.

I'm still struggling with what happened to W between 5 and 9 this morning. No posts in between. Can't figure it out, but something made her go from hopeful and committed and wanting to try to work this, to changing locks and alarm code and giving up.

I hope she comes back and recognizes what is at stake...

HBS

Last edited by HopefulButScared; 05/30/10 09:34 PM.

Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382452 05/30/10 09:48 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
PERHAPS she's realized the snow-job she's trying to pull over on you and everyone else here isn't going as planned...

and...

it's NOT working...

and...

she's gotten about as much "crazy" out of you as she's going to illicit (meaning she'll play up your snooping as crazy controlling vindictive illogical behavior)

so...

It's ball game time.

I doubt very much you are going to catch her doing anything untoward adultery as she's wise to the game and whomever is in the wings is deep underground only to surface when the dust settles.

If it were me...I'd strongly suspect a good friend of her's husband. The extent of this game is so convuluted and manipulative that I predict the behavior is MORE than just protecting her own hide. She's protecting her OM's marriage and/or her relationship with OM's wife. I'd suspect someone close to both of you or even an employee at work that would blow sky high professionally.

Again...I don't think you'll "catch" her with traditional snooping. Just have to ask the right question at the polygraph (if she really follows through taking it...my bet...she makes YOU go first and then bails upon the most minor of supposed revelations you make).

ON THE OTHER HAND...I'm not there and I don't know you guys from Adam. Maybe...just maybe she's not wayward at all and your snooping and questioning has really gotten out of hand and her claims about you and your problems ARE true. However, my instincts typically say the one most strongly pointing their finger usually has 3 fingers pointing back at them.

All I really know is one of you is being really deceiptful and that the truth does not lay in the middle.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
MrWondering #2382465 05/30/10 10:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
My W just came in again, to pick up more stuff for tomorrow. She is always very prepared for the kids, so she was packing some bags, and I asked her to confirm that I shouldn't be nervous about her packing. She said I shouldn't be, and that we'd firm it up tomorrow.

Other than that, she said virtually nothing.

I asked her the plan with kids for tomorrow night, going into Tuesday, she said we'd figure it out tomorrow. I told her earlier today that the kids should be sleeping at home in their own beds, not moved around if she won't live under the same roof as me. We have two spare bedrooms, so there are options for her.

I really hope (and expect) that she won't bring them into this any more than she has. I also hope she revisits today's actions.

I have told those interested that I want to and will be able to tell my children that I exhausted all avenues to save my marriage. My W told me the same thing two months ago when she didn't think I'd embrace MB; that she would have a clear conscience knowing that this marriage didn't work because their Dad didn't want to live with transparency and honesty.

I will be be able to say the same thing--that I was ready and willing to work the program that your Mom brought to me, but she chose to disengage.

I hope we are both wrong, and are working this program in the near future.

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382477 05/30/10 11:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
Mr. W,

I have no specific suspicions. Her office is only three other people, with two women, and a sixty year old, married man who is not a suspect for OM.

Also, it would be unfair of me to rule out that she is the exception to the "someone waiting in the wings" rule of Dr. H. She is right in saying that she has never been the "typical" woman, and that is one of the things that drew me to her.

With respect to deceipt, I can only speak for myself. W has admitted on this thread that the proof of my alleged porn addiction is the admission I made to her in April, when I said:

Originally Posted By: LionOrGazelle
Portion of email from HBS to me:
With respect to pornography, I have used it sparingly in the past five years, and never online, but I have used it and am sure I would have used it more had there been more opportunities, and did as recently as January.


With all due respect, I don't believe this is evidence of an addiction. I understand peoples issues with it, and that it may not be healthy, but accusing me publicly of a sex/porn addiction, when those are the only facts to support it (and they are) is unfair.

That is particularly so when those facts were voluntarily disclosed by me after talking to Sandy as part of moving forward with the MB program.

I have been guilty of deceipt in the past, as discussed above, but I'm doing this right or not at all. I don't know what the reasons are for the last 3 days and the last five months, but I will focus on controlling the only thing I can, me.

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382579 05/31/10 10:16 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
Good morning, it appears the Forum never takes a holiday, which is a blessing.

Got some sleep last night. Before I went to bed, I texted my W and asked her why she was doing this. Haven't heard back.

She had earlier texted me and invited me to join her and the kids for breakfast this morning at a pancake house, which confused me, but I miss the kids, so I'm heading there now. A little apprehensive, but I'll check in later.

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382673 05/31/10 02:05 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
Had a great breakfast with the family. W and I acted as if everything was normal, and the kids seemed to have a ball--ate like champions.

Then I came back to our empty house and W took kids back to MIL's. Last I heard, the plan was to go to the water park hotel tonight. I mentioned that our day care gal would be here at the house at 7:30 as usual tomorrow, and W said we'd talk about details later.

So I will call her around dinner time to see what the plan is. I really want and expect the kids to be back in their own beds from now on. What W is going to do is an open question...

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382676 05/31/10 02:23 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
HBS,

Does LorG have a history of mental disorders? Depression, bi-polar etc.?

SWW

sickwithworry #2382709 05/31/10 03:51 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 96
SWW,

None that I know of. She was on anti-anxiety back when we had our first run of problems back in '01-'03. I've been on anti-depressants for five weeks, and they've helped immensely.

I don't know what is fueling this....

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (anchorwatch, 1 invisible), 31 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
CVT, Olivia 80, Brad344, Bobbyboy341, Steve123
71,697 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,536
Posts2,322,686
Members71,698
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5