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Fred_in_VA #2382854 05/31/10 07:45 PM
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HBS

Your situation was very similar to mine, which occurred to me in 2005. My XW seems to have the same writing style that yours does.

Something happened to her when she turned 39. She broke�
I remember coming home and getting the speech. In my mind, at the time I took all the blame. Then I found out about the other guy, my son�s travel baseball coach. He was 29 years old.

My XW rambled on and on to me in email after email over my past deeds. And those deeds were trivial and were simply a smoke screen for her mind to �Wrap itself around her affair�. She needed to make me the bad guy. She had too villianize me� for her sanity�s sake.

If she is not in affair mode, I will be in shock!

Her moving the kids around really upsets me! The same thing happened to me.

MelodyLane #2382855 05/31/10 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I meant moved to a Looking at porn 3-4 times a year is not a sexual compulsion so her saying this appears to be an attempt to paint you in a false light.

"Appears"!?!?!?!?

Sorry, I'm getting angry again, shot the messenger.


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382860 05/31/10 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by HopefulButScared
"Appears"!?!?!?!?

Sorry, I'm getting angry again, shot the messenger.

mea culpa! Post has been changed. TEEF


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382871 05/31/10 08:29 PM
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When my A in 2006 was moving from EA to PA, I went to great lengths to paint DH as a terrible H, even using flimsy "evidence" to call HIS fidelity into question. I think part of me even convinced myself. But it was just a distraction from my own reprehensible behavior. This is what I get from your situation. Something is (and has been) VERY rotten in Denmark.

Tawandabelle #2382893 05/31/10 09:26 PM
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I agree lurioosi2. My XW did the same thing. She accused me of meeting someone in a purple car at 5:00am while I was hunting.

It is funny now, but it was not then!

BobJan #2382901 05/31/10 09:34 PM
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Recently texted W this:

"Please read your thread on MB. If I don't hear from you in some way, I'm assuming the worst. And if that is so, I literally can't believe it....."

Got back this:

"I am off MB. I have not read or posted on MB for three days. I will not be reading MB forum ever again. I do not look at it and won't. Please do not threaten me."

Three days? It was yesterday morning! And threats???

God, I'm so scared and sad for what I think this is going to put our kids through....

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
Tawandabelle #2382908 05/31/10 09:42 PM
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I did tell you, HBS, that you would have an army behind you here when the truth started coming to light. The tables have been turned and it's now just a matter of time.

I am happy (if such a word can be used in cases such as this) that you have persevered. I was concerned that you were falling into Plan Doormat, but I think this weekend has been transformational.

The army is marshaling, HBS. Let us help you. For your kids, for your marriage. For your sanity.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2382920 05/31/10 10:14 PM
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Do not believe a single word of what the wife says.

Bubbles4U #2382935 05/31/10 11:19 PM
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Gonna try to sleep folks.

Fred, ML, SWW and the rest who've joined this saga? Thanks. For the recent past and the help I'll need in the future. Not in a good place right now, but helps to know I have family and friends who care, both here in MN and in cyberspace.

Tomorrow is a new day, and not one I'm not looking forward to.....

HBS

Last edited by HopefulButScared; 05/31/10 11:19 PM.

Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382948 06/01/10 12:54 AM
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Originally Posted by HopefulButScared
Gonna try to sleep folks.

Fred, ML, SWW and the rest who've joined this saga? Thanks. For the recent past and the help I'll need in the future. Not in a good place right now, but helps to know I have family and friends who care, both here in MN and in cyberspace.

Tomorrow is a new day, and not one I'm not looking forward to.....

HBS

We are here for you. I get the feeling this is not going to be a pleasant time for you. I am sorry.

SWW

MelodyLane #2382950 06/01/10 02:24 AM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by HopefulButScared
4. Between January of 2010 and March, we did about a dozen session of traditional MC. In late March, W bought and began wearing a bunch of new, attractive (and more revealing) clothes without talking to me about it.


8. She did not seem enthusiastic about the fact that I appeared willing to try the MB program, even telling me two days before we did the online seminar that she didn�t think she could do it, because she didn�t think I could just turn off my dishonesty.


What set off my red flags was her immediate and sudden reversal on her seeming committment to this program once you agreed to participate. That makes no sense. As soon as you became agreeable to working the program she came up with very vague, incomprehensible excuses why it would not work and why she must be "separated."

They made no sense to me and apparently it set off Dr Harley's red flags too, because he was also concerned about the possibility of an affair. He told your wife this.

Have you ever seen this quote from Dr Harley, who has been doing this now for 35 years?

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. here

Did you know this is how Dr Harley views requests for separation?

Is this situation the reason why you asked your recent question on the radio show?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2382963 06/01/10 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by markos
[

Is this situation the reason why you asked your recent question on the radio show?

No, it was something on another thread over on MB101 that brought it to mind. I had wondered about that for some time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2382989 06/01/10 08:25 AM
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Good morning all.

Markos, I thought the same thing when I saw ML's question, b/c I knew that would be W's position, combined with her show of interest in the topic on the board.

I also learned this morning that W spread the lies to an acquaintance client of hers early last week. This client is the sister of one of my best friend's wife, so she knew the info would trickle. Now I'm putting those fires out.

No one is believing W, but that doesn't make this sordid little story any more enjoyable...

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382992 06/01/10 08:29 AM
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Also, Dr. H responded this morning to my Q about the lie detector tests, and the most recent developments. I sent it to my W via email, but have no confidence she will read it or engage. I hope I am wrong....

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
HopefulButScared:

I know that wanting to separate is usually a reflection of an ongoing affair, but in some cases it is not. Your wife describes all of the symptoms of an acute aversion. Either she is doing an excellent job of lying (which is possible), or she is not having an affair, and she is being honest about her reactions to being with you.

Trust is a huge topic in marriage, especially for women, and your wife doesn't trust you. This is probably true even if she is having an affair. According to her, your behavior over the past 13 years have reinforced her belief that you can't be trusted. Her lack of trust makes her marriage a living nightmare for her.

Without any evidence that your wife is having an affair (and I understand that you have none), I would have to draw the tentative conclusion that everything she is saying about how your past dishonesty has affected her is true. If that's the case, your best approach to saving your marriage is to work with Sandy to discover how you have been dishonest in the past, and have her hold you accountable to avoid dishonesty in the present. Hopefully, your wife will see results, and give you another chance in the future. But for now, I'd assume that it's not just your dishonesty that is driving her away, but also a very well-developed and emotionally terrifying aversive reaction that she has developed. If she tells me the truth about how you are affecting her, I may be able to help her overcome that reaction. I see this problem occasionally, and I must admit that it's very difficult to treat because the aversion makes the person somewhat irrational.

Your wife wants proof that you are being honest. If taking a lie-detector test would give her some evidence, I can't see how that would hurt.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2382996 06/01/10 08:39 AM
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HBS, you are still trying to talk sense to your wife.

She's not in a "sensible-receptive" mode. You do more damage to your position this way. You should be pleasant but non-committal to anything and everything she says and does right now.

The time for sensible talk will come later. Right now, fortify your defenses and gather your ammo.

This is a fight. The fight of your life, in fact.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2383012 06/01/10 09:12 AM
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Not trying to talk sense, just keeping all options open and covering all bases. I was surprised at what Dr. H said, and, really, it fits her profile and history. A package for W came in the mail yesterday (from Saturday I assume) and I opened it, and it was a book for women who have been betrayed.

The books on her bed when I got in the house on Sunday, were sexual compulsion books, betrayal books, etc. I believe that her current realty believes what she is saying, but the irrational side is controlling her actions that are based on those beliefs.

I won't rule that out when my life and family is at stake, but I will cover my flanks on the other front...

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2383032 06/01/10 09:39 AM
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Quote
"I am off MB. I have not read or posted on MB for three days. I will not be reading MB forum ever again. I do not look at it and won't. Please do not threaten me."


Don't believe this for one second HBS.

I can almost guarantee you she is reading and keeping track of all your plans & fears.
It gives her a "heads up" and a chance to bypass your next move.



Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
HopefulButScared #2383035 06/01/10 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by HopefulButScared
Recently texted W this:

"Please read your thread on MB. If I don't hear from you in some way, I'm assuming the worst. And if that is so, I literally can't believe it....."

Got back this:

"I am off MB. I have not read or posted on MB for three days. I will not be reading MB forum ever again. I do not look at it and won't. Please do not threaten me."

Three days? It was yesterday morning! And threats???


HBS


I'm tellin ya..... an underground A is going on!

Talk about gaslighting.... the polygraph suggestion sent her running for cover!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
HerPapaBear #2383086 06/01/10 11:12 AM
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Just heard from W's lawyer. W wants me out of house, and has told her attorney that I used GPS and VAR in her car.

Sigh....

I'm meeting her later with my lawyer. Prayers and luck for me.

HBS


Me 41
W 38

Married 10 years, together 13

3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
HopefulButScared #2383089 06/01/10 11:23 AM
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Yep, the first salvo.

Hang in there, HBS.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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