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Originally Posted by hope_eternal
You're right. I'm going to see brother this weekend...maybe we can meet up. I'm thinking on leaving after school on Friday and then coming back on Sunday. My H will have all four children this coming weekend.

That would be great!! Do you need a place a stay? Or are you staying close to your brothers? You are welcome to my guestroom and would have complete privacy upstairs. Let me know when you want to get together.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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hope, read this post from Dr Harley to a woman who was in a similiar situation to yours. Her H was working with the OW. It was driving her insane:

Quote
mtkat:

I agree with tst. There's no hope for your marriage as long as your husband has any contact with his lover/ex-lover. I've not had a chance to read everything on this sting, and I may be missing the point entirely, but I get the impression that his affair is driving you nuts. If he works with her, I can fully understand why.

I recommend plan B primarily to help a betrayed spouse avoid serious physical and mental damage due to the intense amount of stress that infidelity causes. The POJA does not apply in situations where a person's health or safety is at stake, and this is a good example of one of those situations. You must take steps to protect yourself, and that means violating the POJA under these conditions.

Plan A may apply to some extent until you implement plan B. It's always a good idea to have left a positive feeling in an US just before you leave. But you may be too upset to actually achieve it. As he gives you excuses for bad behavior, and lies about his whereabouts, you will not be able to respond appropriately. But once you're separated from your husband and have no contact with him, and have a chance to clear your head, I think you'll find that you can think this entire situation through more logically and unemotionally. In fact, I usually recommend that a BS in your position move to another city or state where you can be surrounded by those who love and care for you. Then, offer your husband the opportunity to move there with you. If he starts a new life with you somewhere else, it would make your recovery much easier. To stay put would make it almost impossible, especially if his lover is close by.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm going to get DD's hair cut today and I'm also getting stuff to change the locks.

For me, I'll probably take a nap which is one of my favorite things to do even before all this happened.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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I would love to move closer to my mom, but the temporary orders will make this difficult. First, I could lose the house, unless I rent it out. Also, I have to uproot the kids from their school while all this is going on....I think my daughter would have a complete meltdown. I think I can handle this for another year.

I don't think I could handle a major move right now. We've lived here for 10 years. I want to get the house ready to sell and then look for a job next Spring. I think I can stay in plan B for at least a year.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Melody,
I'm going to stay with my brother at his hotel, but I would love to get together for dinner or something. I'll call you as it gets closer.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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My parents left today and I'm alone with the kids. I'm feeling a little blue today. I start missing him so badly...why? Twenty years is a long time to go with one person and then suddenly, they're no longer here.

Do you think he misses me? I'm trying not to cry over this.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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{{{{HOPE}}}} I am so sorry, but I know exactly what you are going through...it does get better with time, hang in there, K?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Ok, locks are changed and friend's husband also sprayed my yard for bugs. Those two things were taken care of in less than an hour. I also had him install a latch on backdoor too. The lock on back screen is part of the door....so we just added a latch. I don't think he has a key, but it will be difficult to get through this latch.

My kids have many questions about the change of locks and why I'm doing it. I told them that it was not to be mean, but to keep anything from going out without my permission. I told them that while I'm seperated, I can't see their daddy, so he can't come in the house....they will have to talk with him outside the house.

My daughter was like, "why would he want to come in the house?" I told her I guess because alot of his things are still in here....but I don't want him to get those things without talking with me first.

I don't see how anyone can avoid talking to children about these things...it's impossible. They want answers and I'm not going to lie to them....and make up a bunch of bull.

Another question???? I told a friend today that I was going to drag the divorce out and she told me that if I wait for more than a year, then i'll get charged the attorney fees all over again because they will have to refile. My attorney didn't tell me this....is this true?


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Just remember that when you talk to the kiddos that whatever you say will probably get back to WH in some form or another. That's why you need to make their messages are repetitive.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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HopeE,

I have been in the unfortunate position of having to make numerous CPS referrals. Due to the nature of my job, I go to many places that you might not ever believe, and many situations are beyond what you might consider to be poverty-stricken. In my entire career, I have made about 8 CPS referrals for what might be considered "extreme" (and I do mean EXTREME) child-endangerment situations.

In only ONE of these situations was the child removed from the home, and this - after TWO DAYS. The supervisor refused to take the child out, despite obvious severe mental illness on the part of the child in which he was endangering himself in clear view of the caseworker on scene with me. The caseworker vowed to me she would go back the next day, and did. She found the child alone at home, in a psychotic state, in what can only be described as absolute sewage outside what passed for a "home". Only then did they agree to remove the child. The mother? Not seen until hours later. She had "gone to get something" - her words.

So, things have to be quite severe for you to lose your children. Notfiying other people that your husband has had an affair wouldn't even be a blip on the radar of CPS. The words "immediate danger" for their "life" doesn't come near to that.

Those folks down at CPS also know a retaliatory report when they hear one. What your SIL is likely to hear IF she tries to report this is:

"Ma'am, making a false report to CPS can amount to a Class _____ crime in the State of ________. It is important that before you go further with this attempt to file a report that you are positive that your claim of 'endagerment' to life or well-being is correct, and that you understand......."


They do not take kindly to false reports, or what they deem as unnecessary issues when there are children out there who are in life danger situations. Your SIL will be shown the door.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Oh - and a year is a very long time, Hope. Your husband is going nuts already that you won't talk to him.

Look at what he's already tried in order to crack your Plan B~

He is texting you.
He has his SIL calling you.
He has emailed you.
He is sending messages through your DD.
He is throwing fits right and left!

Do not spend any more time worrying about what he is or is not doing. You do not control him. In fact, right now, HE isn't even controlling himself.

Let the Plan B work for you.


You were gone all weekend - that was very good.

Stay away from him, and his contaminated sister. When you are ready to deal with her garbage - if ever - deal with it. For now, stay away from all that stinks in affairville.


Plan B is for YOU to get a break from this garbage, so stay upwind of the stench.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Originally Posted by hope_eternal
I don't see how anyone can avoid talking to children about these things...it's impossible. They want answers and I'm not going to lie to them....and make up a bunch of bull.

Of course you can't avoid talking to your children about it. How ridiculous is that? Giving kids false explanations about the tension in your home and the reasons for the separation just teaches them dishonesty.

And only a dishonest TURD like your SIL would advocate lying to children to whitewash her crimes against them. What kind of "aunt" does that to kids? crazy

Quote
Another question???? I told a friend today that I was going to drag the divorce out and she told me that if I wait for more than a year, then i'll get charged the attorney fees all over again because they will have to refile. My attorney didn't tell me this....is this true?

I don't know about this so ask your attorney~! PrincessMeggy is a paralegal [I think] and she may know.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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((((HopeE))))

Please don't think that most WH are different from yours. Mine is certainly not. My WH was planning on going to therapy with me (all the while keeping his relationship with OW a secret from me and the counselor, who was Steve Harley, by the way). He was certain that he was going to be able to go through the motions of counseling with me and then somehow convince both me and Steve that we were just wrong for each other - that he just didn't love me anymore. Then, miraculously, once we were divorced, OW could divorce her H and they could be happy together forever. Sick, isn't it?

Unfortunately, WH had NOT counted on how smart Steve Harley is, nor how complete the MB program is. He also did not count on me telling him "Even if you tell me that there is another woman, I know that we can fix our marriage." He totally thought I was bluffing. That's why he told me about his A with OW. He was so, so WRONG about everything. OW was doubting his ability to get through marriage counseling without strengthening his relationship with me. And I am a much stronger person than he every thought. Plus, when WH read some of the MB program, he knew that MB would absolutely restore our marriage. That's when he refused to continue to talk to Steve. Steve was winning the logic arguments with WH and WH knew it. My WH absolutely CHOSE this evil he is living. 100%.

Stop doubting yourself, HopeE. You are not the evil here. You need to get very dark, very fast to work on you. You are a beautiful strong person - everyone here knows you are, but you are letting inlaws and WH get to you. Stop them. Stop the abuse and game playing. You are worth more that this and your children need you to have strength not doubts!


BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
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Also HopeE - I don't know for certain about your question regarding dragging out the D, but it seems unlikely to be true. It probably depends upon where you are, though, because every state has different rules and such. Most D's take at least close to a year, so it just seems like what you were told can't be correct....



BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
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You have to wait 60 days in Texas...that is all. I'm not going to give him the pleasure of a quicky divorce. My poor mother went into "the depths of despair" (Anne of Green Gables; my favorite book to quote)....she hated that she allowed SIL to get to her. I told her that it didn't feel right to her, but that I thought it was a righteous anger like when God turned over the temple and when he called the Pharisees, "white-washed tombs".

I told her not to feel guilty...I was proud of her. I guarantee she won't be calling back here...LOL


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Your Mom has NOTHING to feel guilty over. She became Mama-bear and protected her cub. I know my Mom would have done the same.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by hope_eternal
You have to wait 60 days in Texas...that is all. I'm not going to give him the pleasure of a quicky divorce. My poor mother went into "the depths of despair" (Anne of Green Gables; my favorite book to quote)....she hated that she allowed SIL to get to her. I told her that it didn't feel right to her, but that I thought it was a righteous anger like when God turned over the temple and when he called the Pharisees, "white-washed tombs".

DECENT PEOPLE GET OUTRAGED AT INJUSTICE!! Your momma is a good, God fearing, DECENT, righteous woman, so of course she would feel anger!!

He that justifieth the wicked, and he that condemneth the just, even they both are abomination to the LORD.Proverbs 17:15


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My sons tried to call their daddy tonight....he wouldn't answer and then daughter tried to call him and same thing. He wouldn't return her text either. I worry about him trying to punish them by not contacting them...I just don't know what to think of this.

I also worry that he might try to hurt himself....he's threatened this over the years at different low times in his life....he even called my parents one time and told them goodbye and to take care of his family. My mom called me at school all worried and frantic...this was about 8 years ago.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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About to get the kids up for the very last week of school. I'm so looking forward to being at home with them. I'm praying for a non-dramatic week this morning. I'm praying for protection for my children from words spoken by others, and their own negative thoughts.

I'm praying for recovery, but I also realize that his thoughts are not my thoughts...talking about God....I'm not going to push my will on him or make hurried choices.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
Joined: Apr 2010
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How are you doing today, hope; feeling any less blue then yesterday?

Wow, the last week of school already? Time sure flies by fast, doesn't it? No doubt you are looking forward to spending some additional time with your kiddies, you love your little ones and that is the kind of mom you are! Needless to say, they are very fortunate to have you.

Keeping my fingers crossed that this week turns out to be a fabulous one for you with many more fabulous weeks to come.

With God in your life...anything is possible.

Good luck to you and yours, hope.


Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15

Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong
1942-, American Author
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