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Here is my plan B letter
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WH
I am writing this letter because I can not possibly talk to you face to face right now. After much thought and soul searching , I have made a decision on the road I need to follow. I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where your affair with OW was possible.
Yesterday was a low point in our life that I hope we never have to experience again. The pain of that experience was too much for me to bear. I need this time to heal myself and help the kids get through this experience.
I will have to learn better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meet both our needs and create a loving home for our children. We can not do that while you are still undecided of your true feelings for me.
Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you. Mom has agreed to be our point of contact, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Please know that you should continue to see the kids as much as you want. You can call or text our daughter to see how they are and to say goodnight if you wish to do so. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children. As discussed you will continue to give me the discussed amount weekly to pay for our bills. You can go home while I am at work on Friday to pack up the rest of your things.
I am very sad that you think you do not need therapy anymore because of the fact that we are cutting all communication. I know you said you were doing it for my sake to try to resolve our issues but you need it for you. I believe you need to keep going since it will help you deal with all of these things especially your brother's death. You need to resolve your issues surrounding his death if only for your own peace of mind.
Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to continue seeing you any longer as long as you are so unsure of what you truly want. When I asked you today if you wanted to come home and work things out you stated if you came home now it would be because you need to watch me not because you wanted to. Until you are 100% sure of what you want and that you truly want to start fresh and rebuild a new relationship and marriage you must stay out of our house. Our children need a full time father and I need a full time husband.
I look forward to a day when we can begin to rebuild our marriage and begin the rest of our lives together. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.
I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new life together.
Last edited by lisa123prpe; 06/01/10 01:16 PM.
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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You don't waste words, do you. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I am starting a treatment plan with my therapist! She recomended some plans that would get me on some medication and such. I will discuss the particulars with her at our appointment.
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Me BW 34
WH 37
PLAN B in Effect 6/1/10
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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make sure your mom knows how to be an Intermeditary (IM). She will have to filter out all the crap your husband says and just give you pertinant information. If your husband says to her "Tell my wife that Im angry, blah, blah, blah." She does not need to forward the info.
She should just give you things like when and where he will pick up the kids. That he is seperating finances..whatever is important. All the fog talk and lies she does not need to forward to you. This way you only get facts and no button pushing. It is the same in the other direction too. You only need to give your mom important info. Do not act like a couple of Middle school kids relaying messages through some person.
Suzie told Becky, who told TJ, that your a stupid face. It is not supposed to work that way.
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Good. If your cannot get to your therapist today, please do not hesitate to go to a family-care doc or to the ER.
Oh, and please go back and edit your letter here to take out all the names.
Does anyone have a link to that thread of MelodyLane's about "how to be an intermediary"? There will be lots of good info there for your mom.
Basically:
If WH says or emails, "Tell lisa123prpe that when she's done having a tantrum, I'll talk to her. She is causing all the trouble here, you know. I wanted to stay and help her but she threw me out. I want to see the kids this Saturday and she should decide what time."
The ONLY thing your IM would give you is, "What time do you want WH to pick up the kids this Saturday?"
It's the IM's job to filter out all the garbage, like a spam trap. This protects you from any further cruelty and manipulation.
Please keep posting and let us know how it's going.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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 That letter was perfect! You are doing great! Keep up the great work! Also if you are afraid that he might sneak in the house to see you change the locks! Keep the old ones just in case  Hang in there lady! We are totally there for you!
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Here is my plan B letter
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Tony
I am writing this letter because I can not possibly talk to you face to face right now. After much thought and soul searching , I have made a decision on the road I need to follow. I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where your affair with ______ was possible.
Yesterday was a low point in our life that I hope we never have to experience again. The pain of that experience was too much for me to bear. I need this time to heal myself and help the kids get through this experience.
I will have to learn better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meet both our needs and create a loving home for our children. We can not do that while you are still undecided of your true feelings for me.
Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you. Mom has agreed to be our point of contact, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Please know that you should continue to see the kids as much as you want. You can call or text DD to see how they are and to say goodnight if you wish to do so. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children. As discussed you will continue to give me the discussed amount weekly to pay for our bills. You can go home while I am at work on Friday to pack up the rest of your things.
I am very sad that you think you do not need therapy anymore because of the fact that we are cutting all communication. I know you said you were doing it for my sake to try to resolve our issues but you need it for you. I believe you need to keep going since it will help you deal with all of these things especially person's child's? death. You need to resolve your issues surrounding his death if only for your own peace of mind.
Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to continue seeing you any longer as long as you are so unsure of what you truly want. When I asked you today if you wanted to come home and work things out you stated if you came home now it would be because you need to watch me not because you wanted to. Until you are 100% sure of what you want and that you truly want to start fresh and rebuild a new relationship and marriage you must stay out of our house. Our children need a full time father and I need a full time husband.
I look forward to a day when we can begin to rebuild our marriage and begin the rest of our lives together. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.
I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new life together. Ah. Here it is This is good - delete your names online, though, so you're not identifiable on this website.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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[
Absolutely. Having it all is the goal of every WS, or else they would just leave at the start. But it IS emotional abuse of the first order and he knows bloody well that it drives you screaming crazy. But as I said, he's fine with that because then he gets to be the poor poor victim of his crazy mean insane wife.
I went through very much the same thing. Did not actually attempt suicide, but understand the feeling. It's not for "attention". It's because you'll do anything to get the pain to stop. Princess Di threw herself down a short flight of stairs when she was three months pregnant and was crying out to her POSH. It's heartbreaking. Please get ADs, Lisa.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Bumped the intermediary training school thread for ya, lisa...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children. Hi Lisa, I am sorry that you and your children are going through this. I would eliminate the above line from your otherwise very good Plan B letter. In a cake eating waywards mind, almost anything can be turned into an emergency. Make sure that your IM is well trained and let them make the call on what is an emergency. You do not need the drama. God's Blessings, Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Wait a minute folks. Lisa has not done a good plan A. I know it seems he is rubbing the A in her face but she has a good shot at saving her M with the OW wanting to R her M.
Lisa, even if it is only 5 days you need to do a solid plan A and then go dark into plan B so you leave him craving the good times he spent with you.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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ITA with FF. The only thing is, I don't know if Lisa CAN do it the way she is feeling right now.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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ITA but Lisa has been unable to maintain Plan A for even 24 hours without AOs and DJs. She is destroying her WH's LB every bit as much as he is hers. His last thoghts of her will be the melt down and "suicide attempt" but she does not seem to have the heart or the self control for Plan A.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Yeah it would be better, but I dont know if she can handle it emotionally and if she keeps AOs and LBs...it will just make it worse I think...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Saynomore -- I totally agree with you.
Plan B only works after an effective Plan A. They are to be done in conjunction with each other.
The idea behind Plan B is that you have given your wandering spouse a promise to meet their needs (the way they need them met) and have DEMONSTRATED the ability and COMMITMENT to doing so.
Lisa has not accomplished this.
A wandering spouse is not going to believe that life will be great at home because you SAY so in a LETTER. Lisa has been throwing lovebusters at her husband left and right.
Schoolbus is right -- he has been TRYING to come home. But you haven't made HOME a welcoming place to be.
Plan A doesn't have to be more than a few weeks. But it is a CRUCIAL part of the plans. You can't just SKIP it and move on to the more comfortable spot.
I'm glad you are starting AD's Lisa, hopefully they will allow you to act less emotionally.
You need to STUDY and LEARN. Learn about Lovebusters and how they drain the love your husband has for you. Learn about Emotioanal Needs, and how you need to meet your husbands.
I get the sense that you are here in a panic -- and you are not absorbing the WONDERFUL advice and tools.
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I am so confused now?
I want to do plan A but I know he is hesitant because of everything that has happenned.
He tells me he wants some space and I told him I need no contact and I dont want to be friends right now! So now Im really stuck!
I cant take all that back!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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I am suggesting Plan B moreso to protect you from WH...you are an emotional mess right now, I dont know if you can handle much more. I am worried about your emotional well being....but that is JMHO...others may think different.
Last edited by stillhere8126; 06/01/10 02:46 PM. Reason: third person
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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So take a break for a week and re-group. Don't send the letter. Just REST. Get off his case. Stop stressing about what he is or isn't doing.
Get yourself into a better emotional state.
Spend the next week here READING. You will learn so much about marriage. And you will learn about how to be a better partner.
And start thinking about YOUR plan. Think about what you want -- and how to accomplish it. We can help you if you want your marriage and family restored.
Plan A is about you.
Plan B is about you.
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lisa, I also agree with Plan B. Having a mental break with a suicide attempt is too much to deal with. Your WH has proved that he is capable of being very, very cruel. He will only use your anger and outrage against you - it's your punishment for daring to stand up to him. Don't give him any more ammo. Protect yourself.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I agree with Lexxy, take a rest for a few days, get on the AD's to allow you to get your mind ready for plan A. You need to leave him wanting MORE before going into plan B, Lisa.
I think his attempts have been good signs of his wanting to reconcile.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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