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Originally Posted by JustKim
And you are right, I havent recovered and I dont think I will with him.

I'm so sorry Kim.
This is just so sad, and a damn shame.
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Originally Posted by ManInMotion
Originally Posted by JustKim
So, good people - what do you think?

Show me a man that doesn't stare at gorgeous women and I'll show you a man who's either much better than the rest of us at hiding it, or likely gay smile.

I intentionally developed the habit of looking away whenever a woman I wasn't married to made me feel aroused, before I even met my wife, because I knew that kind of behavior was destructive for a marriage, and I wanted to have a good marriage some day. I developed this habit ten years ago. I wasn't familiar with Marriage Builders at the time, but I was familiar with how to develop a new habit. The habit has stuck fairly well for about ten years. Prior to that I was happy to look at and fantasize about everything in a skirt.

Any man can and should learn this, if he cares about his wife.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I can certainly tell when my husband is "glancing" or "leering".

His leering involves cocking one eyebrow with a half-smile (making sure his dimples show), and he has a slightly narrowed and speculative look in his eye..as in "hmmm...wonder what it would be like to $#%@ her!" He's usually also sucking his gut in.

He's quit doing that, though...at least, when he's with me.

I'm sorry, JK. I think I would call him on it right then and there.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Now see, my DH does sometimes glance at pretty women, and I think it is cute. Especially when I nail him on it:

DH, very subtly doing a sideways glance at some woman

Mel: are you looking at that skankho??

DH: OMG, did you see how stupid those pants look on that woman?? If I were her husband I would be so embarrassed! I am so glad you don't go out looking like that!

rotflmao

rotflmao That is funny Mel....I agree there is a difference between a glance and a gawk or stare or even eye contact...Anything other than a glance to me is a no no...


Funny thing is all the years WH and I were together I never even saw him glance, I dont know what he did when I wasnt around, but with me never even a glance....Then he cheated on me and left...So he wasnt gay or dead...IDK what it means but

Also he would help everyone old men, old ladies, good lookin guys and good lookin girls...he did not care. I guess his coworker (OW) needed some help too....Now he wouldnt help ME if I begged for it...weird huh?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I wouldnt stand for it JK....Not at all...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Rant alert:

Sorry to hear this but here is my opinion

Your husband is behaving like a self absorbed entitled jerk. Regardless of the fact that we as men may find the opposite sex attractive, we were given brains with the responsibility to gird ourselves with morals and boundaries.

Where does it say it is OK to show insensitivity and disrespect to someone, whom you are supposed to show life long devotion and protection to. I am sorry to sound so harsh but I am getting weary of hearing about how my fellow males are seemingly unable to restrain themselves and act with a level of decorum that is worthy of being called a gentleman.

I am a supporter of marriage. And as part of the CONTRACT there are some important clauses, such as making your wife your number one desire, and to communicate that on a regular basis, in an attempt to reassure her of her esteemed position. And that needs to be reciprocated by the wife to the husband. For pity sakes, if we cannot elevate ourselves above our urges, we need to start walking on our knuckles. Does he comprehend what the promise "Forsaking all others" means?

This behavior is inexcusable, rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate, filled with entitlement, insensitive, and droll. Your husband needs to grow up and act like a gentleman. He needs to treat you with respect and consideration. From reading your post the man is either deaf, stupid or uncaring.

Rant almost over.

I guess I have been on here sufficiently long to have a sense of grief when I see how we as a society allow behavior such as this. If this were in my grandfathers time the man would be escorted outside and given a lesson, on decorum, by his peers. Perhaps it is time for us to reintroduce some of those good old time values.

Rant over.

Blessings
BCBoy

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hurray Yeah, what BCboy said...Yeah, that... clap


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by ManInMotion
Show me a man that doesn't stare at gorgeous women and I'll show you a man who's either much better than the rest of us at hiding it, or likely gay smile. That, and groping at our partners from time to time, is simply what we do.


I would disagree MIM....

I'm not better than anyone, nor am I gay..... Yet I chose to eliminate those habits.

I used to say the same things though... Until I began working MB and fighting for my marriage. It's my job to protect my wife.... Always!

I learned that saying "it is simply what we do", was thoughtless behavior that was no more than an extremely annoying habit.

It is a choice to stare at other women, or present yourself as JK's H has done. It was a choice to lie about it as well. He lied for one reason and one reason only.... because he knew what he had done was wrong! I would go a step further and say he lied to protect himself from any consequenses, and even to continue his fantasy.

It's amazing how many men cling to the idea that it's OK to act like we are still single and look at other women, even though we are married..... It's even more amazing to me how those that were BS's and FWS's can act as though this behavior is not thoughtless????? uhuh










Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Bravo markos, BCBoy and tst!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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There are some wonderful men left in the world... dance2 Too bad all men didnt think the same way, huh?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Bravo markos, BCBoy and tst!

hurray DITTO!!!! hurray

There are still good guys!

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I have just noticed over the past few months that there are women who are actually more attractive than The Leopard. Imagine that.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Hi JustKim.

Most guys know the difference between leering and noticing and looking. If MIM is confused at this point he needs to ask his W and not ask the people here. Basic commone knowledge.

The most important thing Kim is that in a marriage if one partner advises the other that he/she feels unfomcortable with any type of behavior, the partner needs to comply. Simple as that and no definitions needed.

You need to set your H down and tell him how You feel about his behavior and how it affects you. Then simply says this makes you uncomfortable, and that you are not going to tolerate it. Just walk away from him if he gives you excuses. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it is up to him to honor and respect your feelings.

Tom



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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
I have just noticed over the past few months that there are women who are actually more attractive than The Leopard. Imagine that.

LOL
Fred is officially alive I tell ya, ALIVE !!!
rotflmao

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Originally Posted by Tom2010
Hi JustKim.

Most guys know the difference between leering and noticing and looking. If MIM is confused at this point he needs to ask his W and not ask the people here. Basic commone knowledge.

The most important thing Kim is that in a marriage if one partner advises the other that he/she feels unfomcortable with any type of behavior, the partner needs to comply. Simple as that and no definitions needed.

You need to set your H down and tell him how You feel about his behavior and how it affects you. Then simply says this makes you uncomfortable, and that you are not going to tolerate it. Just walk away from him if he gives you excuses. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it is up to him to honor and respect your feelings.

Tom

What Tom Said smile


ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Hi, JKs husband here.

I read the rant from BCBoy, couldn't agree with you more (except for the 'droll' part, still scratching my head over that one.)

You are absolutely right. What I did was incredibly stupid. I feel terrible about hurting JK yet again and I don't plan on making that particular mistake again. From now on if I notice anyone that JK might perceive to be a threat I'll be directing my gaze towards JK. I hope to make into something of a game wherein I can catch her looking for me to screw up.

Thanks everyone for your support of JK. She is an incredible women and deserves far more than me.








BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

Recovering
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sigh.

There is nothing in my H's post that means anything to me. Its just a bunch of empty words, again.

In fact, I find it particularly interesting that he couldnt pass up an opportunity to feel all superior and smarmy on a perhaps contextually incorrect usage of a word. HE is the superior one, you see. HE would never use a word out of context. But, he WOULD have an affair, lie, stonewall, gaslight and completely disrespect me.

and now Im the one that is scratching my head.........


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

Recovering
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JKH, I have a couple of problems with what you posted. You made it about JK and not YOU. You said, "if I notice anyone that JK might perceive to be a threat I'll be directing my gaze towards JK." You DIDN'T take accountability for YOUR actions here. WHat you said was, "When I see an attractive woman, instead of teaching myself NOT to look, I will LOOK, figure out if she is HOTTER than my DW, then I will look at my DW."

Also, I had HUGE problems with THIS, "I hope to make into something of a game wherein I can catch her looking for me to screw up." The use of the word GAME in this sentence shows HUGE disrespect for her feelings. You then go on to say that you are going to "catch" her? WTH? Catch her catching you doing something wrong? What do you have to "catch" her doing? That would imply that she is doing something WRONG. She is NOT.

I don't know all of your background info(yet). I know there is a lot of help to be found here. It is the reader's decision to follow the advice, however.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Thanks, Scotty

You captured alot of how I am feeling and am unable to put into words. When I read my H's post, I saw a massively passive aggressive response and not much that was genuine.

For 4 years, I have struggled long and hard to recover. Ive put SO MUCH work into us, to the exclusion of everything in my life.

I dont really think its worth it. My H, I fear is a lost cause. When I read BCB's post, I had a sinking feeling in my gut. I was afraid, you see - to know that my H really is all of those things BCB wrote. So, I asked my H to read the post. He did and when reading it, he snorted and remarked with a tone of great disdain... "droll?"

So, my H responds. He responds with what he thinks I would want to hear, what he should say. In fact, what he is really saying comes through pretty clearly in his post.


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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Even Ms. Manners has written about this.

She calls checking out the other sex while your spouse is present just. plain. rude.

On MB, I beleive this falls under the category of EP's - to me it is a no brainer, and people who excuse this as "men's natural reaction" are simply giving themselves a free pass.

Passing gas is also a natural reaction, too. Does not mean you should do it in public, even if you spies a purty gurl!

Last edited by barbiecat; 06/02/10 07:16 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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