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Thanks for all the advice I am so angry right now I just left his job after going there to confront him since the ow husband just called me to confront me with the fact that he just realized they are in contact!
I told my husband that I spoke to the OWH on Saturday on the side of the road. The truth was he sat in my car because he did not want her to know we still talk because he thought there was NC! She told her husband that someone saw us standing on the side of the road and that he lied about talking to me so she kicked him out of the house.
I realize only he could have told her that.
I started to tell him and he got defensive right away so I decided I am not going to engage in and drove away!
The OWH is now making threats to the safety of my WS and that he is coming to my house. I asked him not to do anything stupid especially since my kids are home! He replied what am i supposed to be the only one paying for their lies! You WH is a liar and this ends tonight!
I am angry that he could endanger our kids and our home in such a manner! He is calling me off the hook!
What am I supposed to do now? I felt so good about all the advice and was going to ask for the 2 week rest so we could go on vacation but now I dont know.... I am ANGRY AND HURT< BETRAYED ALL OVER AGAIN!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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Awww, honey, I am so sorry....{{{{{Lisa}}}}}}...
Wait for the vets to come on, I still think Plan B was a good idea for you, but they know better...hopefully they can come on soon to help. I dont know what to tell you......except that I was like you, confrontational, lbing and AO. So I completely understand this craziness...this was before I found MB....I just feel for you, I dont know what you should do now.
I truly dont think that you can handle this Plan Aing stuff....Waywards suck!!!! Wait for the vets hon, okay?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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Lisa.
Seriously -- get a grip on your emotions! Especially your anger.
Do you understand that its OW and WH against you and her husband?
Right now your husband goes to OW for refuge/safety/comfort.
In contrast -- its non-stop battles and anger and drama with YOU.
If you were in his shoes which would you want to spend time with?
For right now, you have to stay calm and work YOUR PLAN in the face of any new information you get. They are having an affair.
They will lie, sneak, lie, lie, and LIE. You (nor OWH) can expect the truth from either of them.
You need to change this dynamic of him-n-her against YOU. Their affair needs you involved in the drama for FUEL. Remove yourself from their drama, and start being the better alternative for your HUSBAND.
Stop confronting him. He already knows he's having an affair.
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It might be that you don't have the stuff to do Plan A.
So if you want to cut off all contact with him go ahead. But don't bother calling it Plan B.
You're not following MB at all.
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Is your WH living with you right now, I forget....I mean OWH should not have left his home and now he is threatening to harm your WH....I can understand his anger, but he is dangerous right now....Did you tell WH about the threats?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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And for cripes sake -- why do you have to lie to anyone about talking to OWH?
So WHAT if you are talking to him?????
Really???
I'd tell my husband "hell yeah I'm talking to him!"
I don't get why its a big secret....
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I was working on myself and it would go great for 3 or 4 days and then I would either catch him lying or find out some other deceitful thing and it would send me into an AO Lisa, your husband is a wayward right now. He is not the man that you married or even the one that you have been living with right up until the time that he allowed himself to cross the line and go wayward. Lying and deceit is what waywards do. I am glad that you got Love busters. It was the last book that I got and it was the one that I needed most. Ihave read it about five times and am in the process of reading it again now. As was mentioned by a previous poster, you are the only person in this world that you can control or change. Eliminating AO and DJ is not something that you work on to entice your WH home, it is a permanent change that you make in yourself. It is part of the self recovery that sometimes must happen before you begin marital R and must continue for the rest of your life. Please reread Mark's post. Actually, reread the last few pages of posts. It seems that you are reading with little comprehension. You CAN do this. No one here claims that it will be easy and most of us have already been through it. You might also want to call the radio show and see what Dr Harley has to say. God's Blessings, Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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It might be that you don't have the stuff to do Plan A.
So if you want to cut off all contact with him go ahead. But don't bother calling it Plan B.
You're not following MB at all. Yeah, thats what I think...just do NC with your WH, for your sanity...THis is too much for you, hon....I would still give him a Plan B letter, it cant hurt any...{{{{{lisa}}}}}}
Last edited by stillhere8126; 06/01/10 08:13 PM.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Lisa, do you see where you went wrong?...you should not have confronted WH....This is where you do not have a handle on Plan A...Waywards are still in the A, most of the time, in Plan A...No confrontations, No Lbing and no AO.....If you cannot get a handle on this its gonna damage any chance of R....
You should either committ to a short plan A or get the heck away from him.
Come on here and talk to us BEFORE you are gonna confront or LB.....vent it on here, ask for help and advice before you make a move, can you do that? Whats goin on right now? Are you okay?
Last edited by stillhere8126; 06/01/10 08:03 PM.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Lisa, do you see where you went wrong?...you should not have confronted WH....This is where you do not have a handle on Plan A...Waywards are still in the A, most of the time, in Plan A...No confrontations, No Lbing and no AO.....If you cannot get a handle on this its gonna damage any chance of R....
Come on here and talk to us BEFORE you are gonna confront or LB.....vent it on here, ask for help and advice before you make a move, can you do that? Whats going on right now? Are you okay? I drove away before it got to be a confrontation! I kept my voice down and did not accuse I asked what was going on...when he started to get defensive I just decided to drive away and told him we could talk later. I came home and posted and really though about what I wanted to do... I let the phone ring and ring until I could calmly answer the phone. When I did he asked me what the matter was and I told him why I went there and that I left because it is inappropriate to discuss our issues at his job! I also told him I am just tired and hurt of the situation and that we could talk if he wanted to. We sat on my porch and I told him what the OW and the OWH husband had been saying.... He went back to the lie that someone saw us talking... I calmly told him that's fine that I really did not want to discuss this issue right now I told him that we just need to relax and take a break so I can take care of myself and then we can go from there. I told him I still loved him and beleived if we worked at it we could get our love back. I asked him how he felt... He told me he feels responsible for me and that he feel like he loves me in some cases and in some he doesn't. He told me we should just take it a day at a time I told him we should just take a breather from this roller coaster and then see what happens I asked him if it was ok for me to maybe go on vacation with them and he said yes that the kids wanted me to go and that he didn't mind because he could handle it but didn't know if I could I told him we can cross that bridge when it comes It felt good to be able to be calm and not seething mad! I am going to my doctor about my mental health to get some medication... I am just going to take it a day at a time! This is all I can do because no I do not want to just give up! I also have enlisted the most powerful ally! His best friends ex wife she went through the same thing 2 years ago and is upset that my WH is doing to me what he soo critisized his BF for doing to her! Especially since her ex is trying to get back with her but she doesn't want him.... She tried but she could not get over the other woman part especially since she is still around. Her husband want them to move away but she doesn't want him now.. She told me she wants to talk to him and share her experience with his BF and that hopefully he will see the other side! I don't think it will help but at least his BF can just lie about what happened anymore! I think I can, I think I can!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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Lisa.
Seriously -- get a grip on your emotions! Especially your anger.
Do you understand that its OW and WH against you and her husband?
Right now your husband goes to OW for refuge/safety/comfort.
In contrast -- its non-stop battles and anger and drama with YOU.
If you were in his shoes which would you want to spend time with?
For right now, you have to stay calm and work YOUR PLAN in the face of any new information you get. They are having an affair.
They will lie, sneak, lie, lie, and LIE. You (nor OWH) can expect the truth from either of them.
You need to change this dynamic of him-n-her against YOU. Their affair needs you involved in the drama for FUEL. Remove yourself from their drama, and start being the better alternative for your HUSBAND.
Stop confronting him. He already knows he's having an affair. Thanks Lexxy I need tough love right now! I am stronger than them and I refuse to lay down and just die! I let my emotions get the better of me but when I controlled my AO today I felt like a different person! I think I can I think I can! ---------------- Me --BS and 34 WH 37 DDay 5-1-2010 Relaspe 5/31/10 Just learning to breathe!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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From What Are Plan A and Plan B? Let me quote from "Surviving an Affair:"
You may think that after a spouse willfully chooses a lover (over the betrayed spouse), there would be no hope for marital reconciliation, but that's not true. While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible. And almost all affairs end sooner than most people think they will.
But for the betrayed spouse, waiting for the affair to end seems like an eternity. The wayward spouse can't seem to make up his or her mind -- one moment committing to the marriage and the next moment committing to the lover. To help a betrayed spouse survive that painful period of vacillation -- the time it takes for an affair to die a natural death -- I recommend two plans. If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, the second plan (plan B) is followed until the affair is ended. This sequence -- plan A followed by plan B -- represents the most sensible approach to handling a wayward spouse's inability to decide between the lover and the betrayed spouse. Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover. In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan. So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.
Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B. Lisa, Do you have a group of people around you that can help you cope and deal with the emotions of this trying time in your life? (Family, friends, a pastor or spiritual adviser?) I know that for me, having folks that I could talk to, that didn't suggest that I have my wife drawn and quartered or submerge her in a bathtub full of hydrofluoric acid helped me keep my own emotions in check. In addition I began to journal and wrote out my feelings and frustrations, a practice I kept up for over a year into recovery. If you want your husband you simply can't make his life as much hell as you can manage and expect him to want to return to you and attend counseling with you. Why would he want to return to a life of misery? Plan A is supposed to show the WS the BEST side of the BS. It should demonstrate a willingness to meet emotional needs of the WS as well as to take the feelings of the WS into account. And I KNOW it isn't fair... Nobody said it was FAIR... It SUCKS... But consider this, you won him once before and you can win him again. You just can't win him back by making him miserable. I am NOT suggesting you just let everything pass and let him do whatever he wants. I am telling you that if his last memories of you before a Plan B, which I frankly don't think you can do any better than you can do Plan A, are of you screaming at him or threatening him or showing him that you are totally unstable (no matter that his actions contributed greatly to that) then he is not likely to ever want to see you again once he too gets the peace of Plan B. Dr Harley strongly suggests that a BS see a doctor regarding antidepressants. For you I would highly recommend as well that you find some individual counseling to help you control your emotions. If you can regain control, you MIGHT be able to save your marriage but if you don't you are likely to lose your children as well! Your emotions are all over the map. I get that. BTDT and got the scars to prove it. But you have no control over him or anyone else for that matter. The only person whose actions you can control is yourself and to be honest, you don't seem to be very successful at that right now. Get some support for yourself. Take a break from trying to force him to change his actions and realize that you will never undo what has been done no matter what you do. Unless you can demonstrate that you want him home, he won't ever come home and unless you can get yourself into better emotional shape, you stand a huge risk of having your children taken from you. Now if you want him to pay for what he has done, hire a lawyer, a bulldog with a big bark and even bigger teeth and take him for everything he ever earned. But if you want to save your marriage, get your own emotional state under control even if you have to call friends or family over to help you with the kids and house for a while. Please get yourself some help... This is way beyond the scope of this forum...We can help with Plan A and Plan B and offer advise and encouragement, but you need more than we can offer right now. You need someone to hold you accountable for your own actions and to give you comfort that this board just doesn't seem to provide in great enough quantity for your situation. Get some help before it's too late... Mark I am doing just that getting help because truthfully I am all over the place and my kids are suffering! I have no friends that see it my way except maybe his BF ex-wife I am going to make it!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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lisa, let's look at this calmly.
Your WH is STILL in an A.
Your WH ia lying about EVERYTHING. Do NOT believe what he says.
Your WH is cake eating. OW meets some of his ENs and you are meeting the others. He's loving this. He wants it all.
Your WH is no different than any other WH. They ALL say the same thing. Dismiss his foggy babble.
So until you KNOW there is NC which means he's written an NC letter to OW, assume the A is still going on full speed.
This is where you come in. Get a hold of yourself and accept that it is still going on. Get your plan in order and do not go off track by REACTING to his actions or words. Let it all roll off your back and continue to work your plan. I can tell you NOW that the cr@p that'll come out of his mouth in the next few months will anger, hurt and scare you. Don't let it. They all say the same thing at this point in an A. Get used to it and don't react. Work your plan.
If you want this M then get into plan A and stay there for a specific amount of time. It does not matter what HE does durng this time. You are working YOUR plan A. Then when your time is done, move swiftly into plan B.
You can be in plan A even if he isn't there, but he seems to be hanging around alot. Let him. Meet his ENs that you can. Don't LB and don't expect a THING from him. Don't read into anything he does. Get it? What he does will not change your plan A. What he says will not change your plan A.
He is having an A and this is what a WS does. So keep on your path. Work your plan.
I have one comment about OWH making threats. I wouldn't take them lightly. I'd actually contact the police and let them know what is going on. Last year a guy in the neighborhood was having an A, the OWH made threats and then killed him the following day in his house. So beware.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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Okay, Lisa, now regroup....You can do this!!! PLan A it is....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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I just left his job after going there to confront him since the ow husband just called me to confront me with the fact that he just realized they are in contact!
I told my husband that I spoke to the OWH on Saturday on the side of the road. The truth was he sat in my car because he did not want her to know we still talk because he thought there was NC! She told her husband that someone saw us standing on the side of the road and that he lied about talking to me so she kicked him out of the house.
I realize only he could have told her that.
I started to tell him and he got defensive right away so I decided I am not going to engage in and drove away! And no more of this, okay?  I mean the part about WH, this is the stuff that is killing your Plan A....You dont need to tell your WH that OWH said they are still in contact. WH knows he and OW are still in contact...this is what I meant by confrontation...I just want to make sure you understand that part...
Last edited by stillhere8126; 06/01/10 09:39 PM.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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I have one comment about OWH making threats. I wouldn't take them lightly. I'd actually contact the police and let them know what is going on. Last year a guy in the neighborhood was having an A, the OWH made threats and then killed him the following day in his house. So beware. This bears repeating. It DOES happen and for some reason, the news almost always glosses over the fact. When an enraged BS murders an OP, the news make it look like some random killing where somebody just went nuts for no reason and doesn't mention "affair". Too bad. Again, it would be another deterrent. Murder and suicide are connected to adultery far more often than most people think but the news likes to pretend that it isn't. This is something that WS never think about. My XWH just sneered when I told him he ought to look out for the BH of his last (known) girlfriend, who I knew was married with a child. Please do inform the police of OWH's threats right now.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Think of it this way Lisa, you are at WAR against your WH's AFFAIR. Your WH and OW are SOLDIERS in that war. They have not been properly trained. They also only have EACH OTHER. You have a whole bunch of soldiers on your side. You have a general(DrH) who has given his orders to us all. There are some officers and some newly trained soldiers. We are ALL here for the same reason, to help you try to recover your marriage.
Have you read the Art of War thread? You need to understand that you telling him the things you know will tip your hand. Don't use it until you need to.
Have you read other people's threads? Have you read through all of the links on that thread I linked in my first post to you?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Think of it this way Lisa, you are at WAR against your WH's AFFAIR. Your WH and OW are SOLDIERS in that war. They have not been properly trained. They also only have EACH OTHER. You have a whole bunch of soldiers on your side. You have a general(DrH) who has given his orders to us all. There are some officers and some newly trained soldiers. We are ALL here for the same reason, to help you try to recover your marriage.
Have you read the Art of War thread? You need to understand that you telling him the things you know will tip your hand. Don't use it until you need to.
Have you read other people's threads? Have you read through all of the links on that thread I linked in my first post to you? I have read most of it and I am continuing to read the posts. I havent seen the Art of War thread! I know I am strong enough to do this. I have thought alot about what was said here and I beleive my AO and the fact that I am overeaccting to everything is pushing him out the door! I did tell him yesterday that I needed the next week or so to kind of just relax and take care of myself. I told him that if he wanted to talk to me I would be here but that I just needed some time to relax and to get off the roller coaster. He agreed he asked me again if I wanted to go on vacation with him and the kids and I told him we would cross that bridge when it came. I told him that his actions were hurtful and that I just wanted all the fighting to stop. Overall it was very calm conversation.NO AO or DJ He did call me last night to tell me he was going to have dinner with his BF ex wife because he did not want me to find out from someone else. Little did he know I already knew so she and I have launched assault against this A and the OW She called me after they had dinner and she said it went pretty well and that he seemed sincere about wanting to come home but being confused because of the OW She told me he was surprised and didnt know how I could forgive him so easily and be willing to work things out especially since the affair was so close to home. She said there is a chance to save this marriage but he is very ripe for this or any affair and that this OW was extremely dangerous to my marriage.... She said she never even confronted her husband about the affair untill it was too late and the OW had total and utter control ..... She did say he was sick and tired of the fighting and my inability to control my reactions ect! She told me grow up this isnt a game you need to make changes in order for him to want to come back! It made me wonder if she ever was on here! So for now it is not just an army of 1 ----------------------- ME BS 34 WH 36 DDay 5/1/10 Moved out 5/14/10 Moving into plan A 6/1/10
Last edited by lisa123prpe; 06/02/10 07:57 AM.
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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[
If this isn't a man rubbing an affair in his wife's face, I don't know what is.
This led to the fighting that led lisa to superficially slash her wrists.
This is not someone who should suffer through Plan A for one minute longer.
She has tried long enough and his cake-eating and cruelty have gone on long enough.
Everybody's got their limits and I think lisa has reached hers.
If you are really not sure, lisa, then call the Harleys and get their take on this. This is why I agree with Plan B on this one. He has clearly told her his plans, and those are to stay in the house and get some of his needs met while continuing his A to get the rest met. He knows he needs both. He won't remove the A, so I think Lisa should remove him from herself. Years ago, I had friends in the same situation, where the BW was accommodating to her WH, and the OW ended up moving in with them. I'd talk to the Harleys too, Lisa.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Sounded like the conversation with his bf went great! He really did seem sincere about moving back home?? That is HUGE! I am actually really excited! Even if the A is still going on, but if he has that desire to be home, then at least you get a chance to do a kick @$$ Plan A!
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