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BTinTrouble #2382911 05/31/10 09:46 PM
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Well, I also say, "How much did your wedding cost? That was for ONE day."


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Scotland #2382915 05/31/10 09:53 PM
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....and a divorce would cost more too


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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As you live in a state where you can file for D because of adultery, I suggest that you start that process off. You can always call it off at a later date if your WW buys into the recovery of your M (most do not). There are certain limitations on filing because of adultery, including a time limitation, and if six months down the road your WW still hasn't committed to recovery, you may find it no longer possible to give her the boot without being subject to alimony, etc. She may be aware of this too and simply string you along for those six months with precisely this in mind. IANAL though, so I suggest talking to one to get the best legal advice on this.

Also, WWs are devious, DEVIOUS creatures! Do NOT underestimate them. You may think things are going along well, then arrive home one day and find your WW, your child and anything small and valuable missing from your home, for example. Keeping one step ahead of her scheming is VERY important. Use those VARs! BTW - does she know about the bedroom recording?



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ManInMotion #2382934 05/31/10 11:16 PM
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Yes she knows I recorded her.

She said at one point "I dont feel like I can talk to you because the house is bugged."

On the Lawyers...
I want to wait 1 day, since I will be with her the whole time, she verbally committed to the counselign with harley's agreed to fill out Love Bank Qs etc. At this point, the lawyers were closed all weekend, so if I go alone to go get one, she could be doing the same. We are both at the starting line. So if I wait one day, see what happens at counseling, and keep her next to me 24/7 during the mean time, then 24 hrs wont make a big difference with the lawyers. (my opinon)

I want the NC, and will have to at some point stand up to get it, or follow through on threat. Again, 1 day is fine, see what happens at counseling.

I do not intend to allow SF until she and I are both tested, no matter what she says. I dont trust her.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2382939 05/31/10 11:31 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Yes she knows I recorded her.

Is she aware that it's only an audio recording? If not, I suggest keep her guessing. Keeping the A hidden was obviously very important to her, and the fear of a video her bumping uglies with a 50-yr old STD-infested OM somehow finding its way into the public domain may be enough for her to keep in line, at least for the moment.

Of course you may need to let it slip somehow that you have many copies, including one safely stored away from home wink.


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BTinTrouble #2382941 06/01/10 12:05 AM
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She wants to go underground with this. Wants to tell him "Contact me through this method and not this."

Seconding what everyone else says, don't mess around with her until she is tested. Don't ever underestimate her either.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
karmasrose #2382956 06/01/10 05:45 AM
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Being you are talking with the Harleys tonight I'd say it was ok to not push against the phone call to the OM.

"She said "fine" to not contacting OM, except wants to call and tell him tonight. Wont let me be there for it."

However Being WW came home you can count on the OM playing your WW and his BW. OM went home to do damage control. Told your WW it is her BH's fault that I can't sweep you away from all of this. Your BH cost me my job. Lay low, we will make our move ASAP down the road to be together.

With OM not willing to provide WW with a love nest she has come home to suck it up for a while.

This is why I would push for the NC letter, say no to any phone call with the OM when you speak withthe Harleys . If WW refuses then tell her she is not welcomed to move back home. Leave until NC letter and NC.

Also keep the money cut off.

Last edited by TheRoad; 06/01/10 05:48 AM.
TheRoad #2383038 06/01/10 09:46 AM
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Thanks everyone...

thats basically it TR.

Waiting for session with Harley's.

Going out today to get some toddler clothes that arent from a winter state. Lil man sweats in this heavy stuff, so getting him new things.

Ok, I read everything, but dont have time to post much.

Plan A takes a lot of time... and I want to do it right.

be back later.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2383175 06/01/10 12:55 PM
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Quote
She said at one point "I dont feel like I can talk to you because the house is bugged."
Why is that? Do you plan to lie to me about a bunch of stuff?

I knew I'd have some catching up to do, but I had to take a nap after reading what I missed since Saturday...

My suggestion, BTW is that NC be established via letter, as per the recommendation of Dr Harley. Affair partners always want to get together "for closure." They don't need "closure." They need to stay away from each other and quit cold turkey if there is to be any hope for recovery without a bunch of broken NC instances.

BT, if you can get her to real NC with OM, be aware that she is going to be miserable for a while. Unfortunately this means that you might actually have to comfort her as she undergoes withdrawal. You don't have to take a bunch of crap, but it is a crappy situation at best.

Don't forget to keep STD testing on the front burner until it happens.

[Linked Image from cool-smileys.com]

Well done, BT.

Mark

BTinTrouble #2383214 06/01/10 01:46 PM
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BT first post on your thread. Im sorry this happened to you. I knew from your sig when everything happened and i wanted to cry for you when I got to the 28th.

I found out May 1st my WW's PA. I immediately filed for divorce and wished I wouldnt have. I knew I wanted to stay with my wife but let people around me pressure me into it. I basically just wasted my money because I pulled the complaint since I didnt wanna use the complaint and temp hearing as a hammer.

You mentioned Alienation of Affection lawsuit. I would talk to your attorney about this. If he isnt completely bailed yet this will be one more nail. Your in NC and they have this. SC does not.

Also I wish I had done less decision making the first week. I was a roller coaster and not even able to care for myself. I wish I would have just took a breathe and formulated a solid plan A.

I got tested after my WW A. The risk was too great not too. I can tell you that I felt better when I found out everything was negative. It also was another shame tool for my WW. SHe said she never meant to hurt me but at the same time she exposed me to every slut her OM every banged. Disgusting to say the least.

I wouldnt speak in absolutes to her as well. Like IF she has herpes its 100% done. Your feeling will change a billion times in just a few weeks. Keep your options open.

BTW your 100% right for calling the Harleys in. One thing Steve they told me was that everything a BS says to the WW is tainted since you have a vested interest. Its bizzarro land but its true. They are a neutral third part with 1000s of cases under their belt and they can reach your WW easier than you can. Dont expect instant results though. Also schedule an appointment for yourself shortly after so JH can give you a solid plan A and a script you can use.

Getting your wife to recommit is a tough process and im praying for you.

You WILL feel better in 2 weeks. No matter how bad it seems now. Knowledge is power. Try reading Jim's thread or other ones that ended well for motivation. Everyone was in this hornets nest at one time. You CAN recover.

Last edited by YEG; 06/01/10 02:40 PM.

(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
YEG #2383475 06/01/10 06:46 PM
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On with JH right now...

Its WWs turn for alone time...

Might be able to update later.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2383494 06/01/10 07:08 PM
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BT
Just a note of encouragement to you. You are acting like a true gentleman and a man of honor. Your children will have you to thank in years to come for acting with care and integrity. It sounds to me you have transformed difficult experiences from your childhood into a depth of character that is to be admired. There is not greater calling than for a man to stand in the breech for the sake of his family.

As a BH I understand the depth of trauma and disorientation you are feeling. I am encouraged to see you have some of the best on this site paddling hard on your behalf. Hang in there it will get better. You are in good hands.

I am rooting for you, and I am praying for you. Remember it is always darkest before dawn.

Blessings
BCBoy

BTinTrouble #2383567 06/01/10 09:13 PM
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BT,

This is my first post to you. Since the posters finally convinced you your WW was in fact having an affair, you have done a very good job in response. I think you should get a lawyer to draft a notification that if he continues contact w/ your WW, you will file an AOA suit against him. I would also inquire about possible legal rememdy whether criminal or civil for exposing your WW to an STD.

Keep on the offensive on this affair. Do you see what happened since you have taken charge? Your WW has not even threatened divorce. She knows she got busted. She knows she has no excuse to divorce you. Just enforce your boundaries and don't show her any fear. If she doesn't see any fear, she has nothing to manipulate you with. I'm about 90% sure that your WW will not leave you. If anyone ends this marriage, it's probably going to be you. When she says, "I don't trust you," just say ditto and let it drop. Make a list of the conditions you need for you to stay married to her. Eventually, once OM is out of the picture, she'll start coming around to her senses. Probably within about 2 months. If you don't accept crumbs from her, she'll realize she needs to shape up and will start working on the marriage and your conditions.

I think you are primed to end this affair and save this marriage. I'm praying for you that she used protection and avoided contracting herpes.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
jmwc95 #2383642 06/02/10 06:12 AM
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IDK what Jennifer said to her.

But she has blanket agreed to any Extraordinary Precautions.

GPS in Car
Run errands together
Unlocked her phone
No contact with OM ever again
Told me a few things that I would not have expected
Verbally committed to this marriage
Agreed to read HNHN and this site, and surviving an affair together.
Anything else I need, I am supposed to ask for it and she said she would do it.


Also, OM of course told her he has been tested every 2 years, and never had it, but I told her "I hope you can understand why I still want you to be tested." I figure get her tested first, if she is all clean, then I should be as well.

Right?

I dont know, just trying to save a buck, but I dont want to die over it.

Thanks for all the encouragement guys.

BCboy, you words touched my soul and your compassion helps me really believe that someone else understands what this is like.

I love my wife, I want to be a family...
but when I look at her, and think of her, its with him... and it hurts very badly.

I want to be strong, conquor this, and be the best husband and father possible,

but the price is very high.

I dont think she can understand how high it is to me.

We have 2 of my friends from back home coming to stay with us for a few days till they get their place, then they will live in the area. I am considering one of them as her Accountibility Partner. (F?)WW said she wants one, but has no one in the area as a friend that she can think of for one.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2383645 06/02/10 06:24 AM
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BT.....are these male friends of yours? If so then friends or not there is noway I would have her out with any other men period....I think it would be best if her accountibility partner be a female....like your sister or Mom or a netural party that is female....someone that is on your side! No males around your wife but you...JMO.

Last edited by gemstone; 06/02/10 06:25 AM.
BTinTrouble #2383648 06/02/10 06:35 AM
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Quote
But she has blanket agreed to any Extraordinary Precautions.

GPS in Car
Run errands together
Unlocked her phone
No contact with OM ever again
Told me a few things that I would not have expected
Verbally committed to this marriage
Agreed to read HNHN and this site, and surviving an affair together.
Anything else I need, I am supposed to ask for it and she said she would do it.

When you confront her there are 2 paths it can go.

1- she can try to lie her way out. She denies, denies and denies.

2- Deer in the headlights - If you get enough CONCRETE evidence they know they cant lie their way out. This amplifies the effect of exposure I believe. It did for my WW. Since they cant deny it if they want to return to the M they have to agree to EP.

Your effective exposure and the deer in the headlights confrontation is helping you alot right now.

Just realize that there is a possibility that she is just telling you what you wanna hear. Be on the lookout for an A phone or calling cards. She HAS to be accountable with her time.

Your on the right path. Just be aware of the pitfalls of a false recovery. Dont get your hopes up too high because the first few weeks are a roller coaster.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
BTinTrouble #2383653 06/02/10 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
We have 2 of my friends from back home coming to stay with us for a few days till they get their place, then they will live in the area. I am considering one of them as her Accountibility Partner. (F?)WW said she wants one, but has no one in the area as a friend that she can think of for one.

Only if it is a woman.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2383654 06/02/10 07:03 AM
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p.s. you shouldn't even be having single people stay at your home, BT. I realize you already made a committment this time, but I would not do that again. That is how many affairs start.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


YEG #2383655 06/02/10 07:06 AM
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I remember someone telling Newpetals(Neak I think) that you ARE in a FALSE RECOVERY until you have PROVEN NC.

It is always so nice to hear the good reactions from the people who have called the coaching center. No one comes on and says it was a waste of money. This site is GREAT.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Scotland #2383686 06/02/10 08:16 AM
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Hey, to clarify...

The friends of mine are Married.

I have known them both for 7 years, (they been dating that long, married this last August).
The Male friend joined the USMC, and is being stationed here. The female and my wife are also friends (thought (F?)WW isnt sure they still are after this, I have talked to friend and she is fine).

K, I totally get the its a false recovery till proven otherwise.

(F?)WW is typed like that for a reason.

(F?)WW has admitted that her last phone call to OM she said "You cant contact me on this phone" and he mentioned sending her one. Part of her EP's was for me to check the mail and be aware of a phone possibly coming.

We dont have an address for OM after all this, so going to ask Jennifer about that next time, since (F?)WW has said she will do an NC letter, but we dont know an appropriate way to make sure he gets it.

Honestly, I dont really trust OMW or her children or OM really, so just arent sure.

(F?)WW has said she wont contact him, but recognizes that the way they talked last, it leaves OM open to thinking he should try contact her.

I dont have single people coming.
The possible Accountibility Partner is a female.

Thanks though guys...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

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