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{{{{{JustKim}}}}}}


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I think that I'm going to throw up.

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I hope you mean wake up.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by MisterJK
I think that I'm going to throw up.

Bad sushi?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Bad sushi?
Just by staring at it (when JK wasn't looking)...

Last edited by ImStaying; 06/02/10 04:02 PM.
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Wait...I have a smiley for that...[Linked Image from cool-smileys.com]


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by JustKim
Well he apologizes. Says he is sorry. That he knows he hurt me and that I must feel awful. So, He is acknowledging how I feel, sort of.

Thats nice that he is "sorry," but sorry is not enough. You are married to a man who behaves like he is a single man behind your back. [or a leering creepy old fart sick] That is how he behaves when you are not looking, Kim. Saying "sorry" is cute and winsome but it does nothing to alleviate the problem.

There is a REASON you have never recovered and this is why. He is catting around like a single man looking for action. You sense it and are having a hard time putting your finger on it. You were lucky enough to get a glimpse of how he acts when you aren't around. The only "stupid" mistake was letting you glimpse it.

Frankly, I wouldn't be interested in such a man, Kim. A man who cheats is repulsive enough as it is. To have to tolerate skanky behavior like this is so disgusting that I cant even fathom that you could be in love.

Until he gets honest about his REAL PROBLEM, that he has a single man, alley cat mentality, you are facing a lifetime of this: a death of a thousand cuts.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MisterJK
I think that I'm going to throw up.

Just imagine how your wife feels? And she is the one who got punched in the face here.

MisterJK, Kim says you are looking for "support." Sir, you are not going to get any "support" for acting like a creepy, dirty old man and hurting your wife and then saying "whoops!! I was being stupid."

You are being stupid if you think that crap is going to fly around here.

You were not being "stupid," you were being yourself. And that is the problem.

Can you even fathom why a woman would want to be with a man who acts sleazy like that around other women? Any decent woman is going to look down on a married man who leers at other women like a perv. It is GROSS and disgusting. It is utter disrespect to your wife.

You have shamed her. crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No, Mel...I think he meant to say GROW UP! Right MisterJK....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by JustKim
Im weary, folks. This is a lot of effort for little or no return. I think Im going to throw in the towel. The rot here goes very very deep.
I'm really sorry.

hug


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Originally Posted by MisterJK
I think that I'm going to throw up.

Good to see you have an account of your own. Please start a thread of your own, so we can talk.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by MisterJK
I think that I'm going to throw up.
How come?


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Hi JustKim,

Read up on your thread and the only mistake I can see on your part is to allow your H to post here, but when he did he pretty much gave himself away.

Kim, imho your H is a 50-year-old guy acting like an adolescent. He probably realises that physically he cannot anymore attract many women, so he seems to be using aggression. Leering, as you say he did, is an act of aggression much more than desire. Believe me it is, especially with him making it so obvious. A former friend of mine from work did this and it embarassed me, much less to think of the women he leered at. I didn't respect him and fairly quickly I ended contact with him. He was eventually fired by the company that we both formerly worked for. The last I heard he is divorced but living with his daughter.

My W and and I have experienced this a few times, and it was mostly regarding older males. She felt very uncomfortable, and a couple of times stopped me from going over and talking to the guy. One time we just cancelled our order and left the restaurant we were at.

Imho again Kim, I think this has a little more to do with just your marriage. It has to do with him and whatever he feels inadequate about. I feel he needs individual counseling.

Consider yourself lucky tho Kim. He could have done this to a woman whose H was around, and then you may have had to wait for three hours while he was fitted for a neck brace at the emergency room.

Hang in there, but as someone else posted here I don't believe for one minute this is a one-time thing. Consider talking to him about counseling.

Tom


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Originally Posted by MisterJK
I think that I'm going to throw up.

My goodness was that really necessary?

Can't take the heat?

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Thank you all for your posts and opinions. Id like to address most of them collectively here

First, while I thank you all from the bottom of my heart, please please be respectful to Mister JK. He made the effort to get a log in and post and has gotten slammed. Please. He needs your help. While I understand better than anyone how his behavior is worthy of contempt, it is not helping him or me. So, if you could be a little kinder, Id be awfully grateful.

Second- to Tom - I think you missed the mark. My H is 51, true - but as a former marine, he is in excellent physical shape and is a strikingly handsome man. He looks 35, tops. So, he can still attract women easily enough. Which might not be a good thing.... at least if you are married to the guy.

And, His personality is the exact opposite of aggressive. As a matter of fact, he is alarmingly passive. To the point of inertia most days. That isnt to say of course that there isnt alot of hidden aggression in the passivity. I KNOW there is. I personally saw his first post as a very PA type of response.

My H was very upset at reading all of these posts and he knows that I am likely to leave him. His response about throwing up was in reaction to that.

Here is the truth. He is a smart guy with very little emotional intelligence. He doesnt have very well developed interpersonal skills and Im not sure he understands how to have a relationship or genuine intimacy.

If you good people could help him to understand, Id be terribly grateful.

I think its too late for us, but maybe helping him to learn these things will save someone else some pain somewhere down the road.


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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Originally Posted by JustKim
As a matter of fact, he is alarmingly passive.

DJ, FWIW.

Quote
I personally saw his first post as a very PA type of response.

My H was very upset at reading all of these posts and he knows that I am likely to leave him. His response about throwing up was in reaction to that.

I think that's essentially how a lot of us saw it, as well.

Quote
Here is the truth. He is a smart guy with very little emotional intelligence. He doesnt have very well developed interpersonal skills and Im not sure he understands how to have a relationship or genuine intimacy.

It's learned behavior, so he can be taught and learn. Given the incident you started this thread with, it looks like he's had a long time to learn and has chosen not to. I'm worried that perhaps your bar has not been set high enough. Have you told him, at this point, what will keep you in this marriage?

This is why I'm also curious about if this behavior is a habit, and what his other habits are like. From this, it sounds like he does not have many habits that contribute toward you being in love. Four years into recovery?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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"He is a smart guy with very little emotional intelligence"- Is a DJ on your part. stop that.

PA can be extreme anger, just diffused in clandestine ways. The issue is, that most times PA people will not admit there IS a problem. Without that, there is little hope for improvement.

He can start his own thread and stay off yours. Old rule.

Checking out other women, to the extent you describe, is a symptom to another, bigger issue. IMHO.

Good luck.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Markos, Cat

Point taken. DJ. Got it. I can see how that would be considered a DJ. There is a part of me that wants to respond with "But its true..." but Im going to go with the DJ thing. You are likely right.

Markos -

Yes, 4 years. The first 2 years of recovery were me dragging a reluctant H through all the work needed. What I eman when I say reluctant is that he was reluctant to do the work required. NOT that he was reluctant to end the A. He threw OW under the bus pretty quickly after d day. He just didnt seem to want to put in much effort into making things better. He WANTED them to be better, of course. But I did all the heavy lifting.

Quote
it looks like he's had a long time to learn and has chosen not to. I'm worried that perhaps your bar has not been set high enough. Have you told him, at this point, what will keep you in this marriage?

I think he would tell you differently. I think he feels that he has learned alot. Have I told him what would keep me in it? No. Because right now, I dont think much will.

Last night, I did say to my H that I believed and knew he was trying. That I also knew that he had never tried in any relationship with anyone ( spouse or no ) in his entire life. People just didnt mean that much to him and if it was a hassle, he would do nothing and let it end. I told him that I could see that he is trying and that compared to how he has always been, his efforts to him must seem Herculean. But to me, that they are just normal marital investment. My H will tell you himself that he hasnt spent alot of time outside his personal comfort zone.

Quote
From this, it sounds like he does not have many habits that contribute toward you being in love. Four years into recovery?

Yes, 4 years. The first year was all hysterical bonding with me doing alot of work. Year 2 was more of me doing all the work, and a good amount of resentment on my part. Years 3 and 4 have mostly seen some investment on the part of my H and a growing discontent and distance in me. Most days, I feel like had I known I was in for this, I would have thrown int he towel on d day. Like most BS's here, I feel that the only way I could stay, to work through the pain was to be justly compensated with a great marriage. And I dont have that.

So, what have we done? Counseling w Steve Harley for 8 months, coaching with Kimberly even now. MB weekend. 2 imago weekends, and a completely ineffectual marriage counselor. Thousands of dollars in self help books.

And we still are broken.


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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Originally Posted by JustKim
I think he would tell you differently. I think he feels that he has learned alot. Have I told him what would keep me in it? No. Because right now, I dont think much will.

Kim, the problem that I see here is that your H has really not taken ownership of affair proofing your marriage. He does what he has to do in front of you, but has not really bought into it when you aren't looking. This is why your instincts are sending off red alerts.

He has to AFFAIR PROOF himself and until he does that, I don't think all the education in the world can overcome his lack of affair proofing. *HE* should be policing himself when he is alone and he is not doing that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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BC

Quote
The issue is, that most times PA people will not admit there IS a problem. Without that, there is little hope for improvement.

Indeed. My H will openly admit that "He used to react in very PA ways" but he doesnt see it now. He claims that he "isnt" this way anymore. Which of course, doesnt seem possible. He has gotten no help for it, learned no new ways of coping. He is just as PA as ever, just deeper underground about it. Is that a DJ?

Quote
Checking out other women, to the extent you describe, is a symptom to another, bigger issue

I agree. And here is where I get all confused and muddled. My H claims this incident was an anomalie. He says that he doesnt ever do this and that it happened just this time because " He failed to be vigilant". Im a smart woman. I realize that is likely to be far from the truth. Yet, how can I have a discussion with someone about this when he wont even be HONEST about this behavior? How can I want to commit or be with someone who cant come clean? The truth is, I cant. I cant feel safe with him so Im left with the only solution open to me, which is to leave. I dont want to leave, I just dont see any other way.

He SWEARS he is telling the truth. That this was a one time thing. And I dont believe a minute of it. As a matter of fact, I think this is part of a much more sinister, darker side of my H that Ive never seen and he has hidden from me. And I think that somehow, I sense that and THATS the real reason why Ive never recovered.


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

Recovering
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