Tell us your side.

TR:

He has been here before.

But JK is stating how he is. He talks, but he doesn't walk.

And if ANYBODY can recognize that in a WH, its me.

LG

Sorry for the T/J...but LG, I just read and old thread about you Lousygopher...hahahahahahaha

Okay T/J over.

Mr. JK

There is help here but you have to be willing to take the punches knowing they are meant to be helpful and to guide you in whatever way you need to be shown the way back to a happy marriage. My FWH GreenMile was pounded over months over some issues that I think you could relate to. You sound entitled and oh so willing to let your wife do all the work. So was GM for the longest time, in fact he had done that our whole marriage. SO, from personal experience with these issues I would encourage you to pull up your big boy pants and take the hits. Mrs. JK is not your Mommy nor should she be expected to endure all these years of indignity. GM is so much happier the way our marriage works right now and so am I. We still have mountains to climb before we recover but these similar issues must be dealt with before you can really get very far and for Gods Sake make a list of EP's. A long list regarding very small things you do that lead to the big things. Hang them all over where you see them all the time and read them often with your wife. Once embedded in your brain you will really get the hang of being the man who can protect your marriage. When she sees you making these efforts she may be willing to stay a little longer and give this a shot.

This will not be easy but her path is much harder so take it and learn from it and then help her.

Ok, I'm here. Thanks to TheRoad for starting the thread for me. Bear with me people, I'm not to hip with the abbreviation lingo. It might be helpful if for a little bit you use the abbreviation and then spell it out. (e.g. EP (emotional priorities? huh?))

I guess I'll start with the trip to Lowes, here is what happened to the best of my recollection.

We were shopping in the garden section. JK was ahead of me and I was loitering in an aisle. I started looking at what appeared to be a woman in her 30s? (not sure, JK has a much better recollection of the appearance.) I realized that I was probably blocking the aisle so I moved the cart to a side aisle and and continued to gaze at the woman. Then I noticed that JK was headed to the check-out person so I followed. Once there I noticed that the same woman that I had previously been looking at was at the check-out area next to ours. I looked a bit more and finally saw what her face looked like. Then, because I was sort of hidden from JK by a couple of plants that we were buying, I decided to move over to JK so that she could see me.

When we got out to our vehicle JK asked about the woman that I had been looking at. I first said "What woman" but when JK said "you know what woman" I quickly changed to "right, that woman."

At first I wasn't completely congnizant of the damage that I had just done but by the next day I had a complete understanding of how badly I had hurt JK.

Tueday evening we had a chat with Kimberly and she agreed with me that I had been incredibly insensitive and, in my words, pretty stupid. She asked how I was going to address this behavior and I told her that I planned to make a point of looking at JK whenever I noticed an attractive woman in the vicinity. She told me that was a good idea.

Wednesday morning JK called me over to read a post in her thread. I was midway through the post when I noticed the word "droll" inserted in a place that seemed incongruous to me so I repeated the word as a question... 'droll?' Basically I was saying that I didn't understand the word used in that context.

This upset JK greatly and she left quickly and took the kids to school. While she was doing that I posted a response to the person whose post I had been reading. When I was done I started to leave from work and JK returned. I asked JK for a hug and a kiss before I left and she refused. That's why I was upset and later, on the phone, told JK that I felt alienated from her.

In the afternoon I spoke and was texting JK but she said that she didn't want to discuss it. I told her that I thought that something was wrong and it was scary to me that she wasn't telling me about it. A little while later I saw her post saying that she was probably leaving me. At that point I created a MB login and said "I feel like I'm going to throw up." Because I did.

That's my story...

I havent kept up with this story since yesterday....But I think it is soooo wonderful of you to post on this thread.....Good for you!

Thanks for posting. This is a good reminder to all of us of that old adage I tell my kids:

"There are 3 sides to every story. Yours, hers and the truth."

Welcome Mr. JK. You have just taken a huge step. As a BS I have to say that my FWH posting here and taking his lumps as I was learning was a very big step for me in the process. It will help her to feel a little safer because you will be in the constant process of thinking about all of this. Invested in recovery. I am pleased you are willing to do this.

What I'm getting from this is that, instead of focusing on the actual message to you in the "droll" post, you chose to focus on the word. JK was upset with you because of this. You then wanted a hug and kiss from her, which she refused because she was still upset. This upset you, so you told her that you felt alienated from her.

So, basically, it comes across to me that you think JK should keep from upsetting you, even when she is upset with you. It tells me that you consider your feelings more important than hers, and that you are entitled to what you want, when you want it, from her, regardless of how she feels.


So you kept gazing at the woman. Why? Wasn't there anything else to look at? So, you finally saw the woman's face...sounds as if that is why you kept looking. Were you wanting to make eye contact? Were you wanting to see if she would flirt with you?

In case you are thinking that staring at another woman is no big deal, bear in mind that the Bible teaches us that to lust after a woman is the same as committing adultery in one's heart.

Sorry MrJK but i have to agree with LC on this. I understand that it probably did make you feel alienated, however JK had a reason to be upset (even if it was her own reason and you do not agree with her being upset), it doesn't matter if you think she shouldn't be upset, she is anyway and acting like she shouldn't be is just saying that her feelings do not matter to you because she shouldn't ahve them.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that feelings ARE, there is no explanation and they can change at a later date, they just ARE, same as with you.

And "trying to see what the woman's face looked like"? Why?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=1984040&gonew=1#UNREAD

Link to most common acronyms

Hoping you succeed and enjoy your time on MB forum.

JK believed that I was being "superior" instead of focusing on the message. In truth, I had not finished reading the message. That's why I chose to respond to the post in her thread, so that she would know what I really thought about it.



It is always very upsetting to me when JK chooses to withhold affection from me. I'm not sure that this makes be feel "entitled" but I sure would like it if we could always be in a place where affection is freely given. As you might guess, affection is a big EN for me.



Actually it was just by accident, she just happened to change position. She really wasn't anything to write home about (not that this matters.) I didn't nor did I want to make eye contact and I had zero interst in flirting. Frankly, I have no interest in flirting with anyone, period.

MisterJK, I think you're being very brave by posting on here.

I am still a little baffled as to WHY you continued to stare at the woman at all? I mean, when I'm out shopping, especially at a home and garden centre, I'm looking around at the products and the displays, not focusing on a man in the store....I guess I just don't understand the interest you had in her, whether she was pretty or not.

I don't understand this. You wanted her to know what you really thought about the post, so you didn't bother to finish reading it?

I see. So the problem is that she believed wrong?

That makes perfect sense. I don't expect JK to be emotionally available to me at all times but when she isn't I'm going to have an emotional reaction to it.

Can you list for us some reasons why your behavior was wrong? I can think of at least three.

MisterJK, can you list for us some new habits that you have formed through your Marriage Builders work?

That, Ma'am, is a very good question and one that I'm not sure I have a good answer for. I can only say that I must have been getting some kind of enjoyment out of it. I certainly had no lasting immpression from it, had JK not seen it happen I'd have never given it a second thought. I only know that I was being stupidly inconsiderate of JK.

MJK, your post has 'justification' written all over it. First of all, you recount the trip to Loew's as "to the best of my recollection". You are being disengenuous. Either you remember or you don't. You obviously remember the event if you remember moving around the plants at the checkout. So I can only assume that you're attempting to downplay this as something big only to your wife, and a non-incident to you. You are attempting to invalidate your W and that won't work, here.

Once again, you, sir, are being disengenuous and evasive. See my comment, above.

Why were you trying to evade her and act ignorant when you knew she'd busted you?
Don't play us, MJK. We've been around the block a few times. Are you trying to make us believe that you're this hapless husband who has suddenly been accused of looking at a woman, and you're not even sure what anyone is talking about, so you put it on your W to explain for you? I'll repeat Kim's comment: you know what woman.

Why was it important to see what her face looked like?

I see potential for you and JK, MJK. You need a little tweaking, though. I don't like all these passive attempts you're making to be a victim in this situation.