It would be cheaper!

Ridic, one of the conditions for even considering ending a Plan B has to be that the adulterer engages in a plan of recovery for the marriage. It does not sound to me like your husband is engaged in a plan of recovery. It sounds like he is sitting around hoping for things to get better, and that's not a plan.

Here are some ways I think would be workable ways to get started on marital recovery:
* he begins counseling with the Marriage Builders coaching center
* the two of you take the Marriage Builders "weekend" online seminar and begin the Marriage Builders home study course with coaching
* he buys and reads Fall in Love, Stay in Love; His Needs, Her Needs; and Love Busters and begins implementing the concepts

Here are some ways that I don't think are plans for marital recovery that will work:
* one or both of you attend individual counseling
* he moves back in with you
* you end Plan B and let him back into your life

That'sa good point. I need to stay in my counseling, though. That's a lifetime thing for me, for my OCD, but I can go back to my normal schedule, which is every other week.

Pepper-

I need to be firmer with him- when I give him exact instructions, he says I'm judging him, and his ability to do things/get things done, and then he pouts and hides. It's awful.

When I tell him specific things to do with the kids ( outside of dealing with sports or sports practices), he gets mad and tells me I am telling him he isn't a good enough parent by asking him to spend more time with the kids.

He says he cannot trust me because I kicked him out, and that right there, has me over an emotional barrel. I see it for what it is- blackmail, and his attempt at getting a license to do whatever he wants to do. I need him to stay out of the house until he is really committed to getting better. He says he is committed, but that he will never get better than he is right now, so I need to accept it and deal with it.

Which I cannot.

His parents left town. They couldn't deal with him, so they packed up and left for a summer vacation. They"ll be back at the end of the summer. Sometimes- it is very easy to see why he is the way he is. Sigh.

He works sometimes- but he owns his own company- so his job is what he makes of it. Frankly- he's very good at it, it takes very little effort, and he got very used to be uber efficient in it so that he could spend most of his time when he was "working" actually with her.

Without her, he doesn't have anything to fill that time. So he's moping.

He still has an apartment in town, where most of his stuff lives. When I made him leave the house today, that's where he went, and once he got there, he started texting me that he was staying there on the floor for the rest of the day.

Markos-

He has the books, I have no idea if he's reading them. His therapist agreed with those books as good for our marriage, and for him, and also recommended a book on grieving for him.

You're absolutely right that he is waiting around, but I am not sure he is waiting around for it to get better. He seems to think this is as good as it will get, and he will not feel any better.

His doc told him that this kind of grief and abnormal projection can take up to a year to process, but my H doesn't even believe that he'll ever recover.

It makes me wonder why I am fighting so hard.

I know you guys understand, but I wish I could explain just how low he is. He wakes up every morning expecting to feel bad, and he does.

That doesn't compute to me. I wake up every morning thinking this is the day that everything gets better, and I wipe the slate clean, and try as hard as I can to be happy. And then he drags me down.

My best plan really is to go back to a dark B, right?

OK

For real ....

Based on what you wrote (assuming it is accurate, and I have no suspicion it is not)

Get an attorney.
And file for "something".
Whatever will get his lazy [censored] out.
He's poisonous.

Do not discuss it.
Assume he is telling you the truth.
His INTENTION is to live with you and be a miserable SOB.

Disallow that option.

Filing is not divorcing.
But, he has no intention of even trying to make you a happy woman at this time.

File for a legal separation, if that is available where you live.

It is. That's what my therapist is also saying I should do.

Okay. I can do that. I have to do something. This isn't working. I can't try any harder than I have been, and I cannot fight this alone.

At some point, I need him to take care of me emotionally, and he is incapable.

And, if at any time he HINTS he might end his life, call 911.
Every time.

Okay. I assume that will come with action by me. It's his fallback threat.

I just wish I knew how he got to this point. I have always tried to be a good wife. I read the books- and the concepts? I was already doing them.

Sigh.

Cut that out!
It is 100% HIM, and not you.

Do you REALLY think you have the ability to make someone this crazy?
You don't.

Don't worry, the forum members will call you out when you have responsibility for doing something terrible.

You are normal.
H is not, at least not currently.

Then you know he's not begun implementing the concepts, and therefore he hasn't taken this avenue to begin marital recovery.

He's not met the standard for being in contact with you again, and he shouldn't be, IMO.

But he didn't try to be a good husband, did he?

This is exactly right.

And then into a midnight dark Plan B.

No. That's the honest take, right there.

Intellectually, I know you're right. It's just hard to keep it straight, sometimes.

You know what? That's exactly right. His only comment on the books has been that books don't describe him, and he's different. Even though he's been told 50 ways to Sunday that he's absolutely typical.

Rid, I am happy to see you but sad to hear what has been going on. FWIW, I agree with everything that has been said to you today. I think you should get on the phone with the Harleys and I think you should go DARK.

Oh crazy wayturds.

I am saddened. You seem to have lost some of that humour you used to have. VERY understandable in your current sitch. Really sad though too.