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Joined: Jun 2010
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First, I'm not sure if this should be in this section or "In Recovery"... This message is partly a request for comments and partly just telling my story.

I am a BS. WS had a single affair from 1995-2001 (one of our children is possibly not mine, but I doubt that strongly based on the evidence I see). I discovered it in May 2001 (hotel receipt, cell phone logs) and, with Church provided counseling, was able to bring the affair to a close and, seemingly, move on. WS quit her job and we moved. I read many infidelity books back then but not SAA. I did read through HNHN but was unable to get WS to do it with me and I did not realize at the time that I should do it myself (plan A) so I just tried to get along. WS was very resistant to working on things and just assured me that it was over and I should get over it too. I actually thought we were doing ok for the last 9 years (I guess I'm no smarter now than I was previously). Side note: WS has been on medications to treat OCD and depression; and has been in solo counseling for most of the last year due to these conditions.

At the beginning of April OM found and contacted WS through facebook indicating that OM had an urgent need to speak to WS. WS did not inform me of this. She ignored the first contact but responded to the 2nd, which occurred about 4/8. OM has a significant health issue and WS is a very sympathetic type so she was easily drawn in. They communicated through facebook and SMS from 4/8 through 4/27 when OM's spouse became aware and stopped the communication. I only discovered this because we recently moved to a new cell carrier and I am going over the bills closely to be sure we aren't being overcharged (happened with previous carrier). The location of the numbers jumped right out at me.

When confronted with the evidence WS did not deny it. WS also seemed to answer the questions I had honestly. WS says that she told OM that meeting would be nice but impossible (OM is over 3 hours away).

We have started to go through HNHN and LB together (for about 2 weeks now) and WS is being very involved. We are also working with our former Pastor to be accountable and for counseling. A week into our efforts WS composed a no contact letter, which was received by OM earlier this week (I don't know if OM's spouse also saw the letter). I believe the no contact letter was sincere. I believe WS is enjoying the changes she is seeing in me and is serious about making our marriage, well, an actual marriage.

In going back through WS's internet history it's clear WS was rebuilding the relationship (e.g., she had looked up "rekindled love" in a search engine). This is where I am having the issue. I do believe that we are heading in the right direction and there is true hope. However, I'm feeling bitter much of the time and am obsessing. The idea that WS allowed contact with OM after all the years, WS knowing how I felt back then (e.g., she knows I was 'jealous' of the folks in the Twin Towers on 9/11), and that she almost certainly was again proclaiming her love for OM is tough to handle.

Do I hide these feelings from WS? We haven't gotten into LB yet (just starting Honesty section of HNHN). I'm not really interested in sex too much right now and I wonder if I'm kind of denying her the ability to start to make deposits to my LB through it.

Any general comments or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

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You need to do massive exposure in order to kill this A for good. This has been going on for waaaaay too long to mess around with NOT exposing.

Then start reading up here on snooping techniques. I also highly recommend the MBW or counseling with the Harleys.

I'm sorry you are here.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Quote:
We have started to go through HNHN and LB together (for about 2 weeks now) and WS is being very involved. We are also working with our former Pastor to be accountable and for counseling


I think the accountability part is key. Sticking to the program is key as well. Steve Harley has said there can be massive consequences for even small deviations.

I think you saw one of them. Or at least had a close call.

Quote:
that she almost certainly was again proclaiming her love for OM is tough to handle.


Its tough. All you can do is enforce NC though. If you can do that you will pull through. Try to think positive and use this setback as a cautionary tale. You know the consequences of just hoping for the best. Just stick to the program.

Quote:
Do I hide these feelings from WS? We haven't gotten into LB yet (just starting Honesty section of HNHN)


I wish I knew this answer. I would think you should be honest about why you are a little put off atm. This has rekindled stuff in you too. The feelings of betrayal.

Quote:
I'm not really interested in sex too much right now and I wonder if I'm kind of denying her the ability to start to make deposits to my LB through it.


be honest to her why. Your hurt and she should be patient. I would love to hold my wife and give her affection. I cant do that though atm since she isnt ready for it though(im the BH too).


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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RW,

WS had a single affair from 1995-2001

That is a huge affair, did you get full disclosure on what happened or does she claim to forget?

was able to bring the affair to a close and, seemingly, move on....and just assured me that it was over and I should get over it too. I actually thought we were doing ok for the last 9 years

Yea, I was just supposed to move on too, but that meant that for 20 years she was never again as attracted to me as pre-affair.

OM has a significant health issue and WS is a very sympathetic type so she was easily drawn in.

Thanks for writing that, it really hit home, just today my W asked me if she could visit a guy n the hospital. He was infatuated with her about 2+ or so years ago. That was before I found marriage builders. He is in really bad shape now and was emotionally destroyed back then when I got my W to cut off social contact.

It bothered that heck out of me that she would even ask, I told her that since she did not allow me to pay him a "visit" she could not see him in the hospital. She is still worried about his relationship with GOD.

that she almost certainly was again proclaiming her love for OM is tough to handle. Do I hide these feelings from WS?

Again you need absolute honesty from her, dishonest starts off small and builds.

God Bless
Gamma

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Roy,

One of the most ridiculous things that I struggled with after an EA that I had a VERY long time ago (a quarter of a century...wait...MORE THAN THAT) was to completely understand that I DID NOT LOVE THAT OTHER MAN.

You see, your wife did not truly "end" the affair 9 years ago. What did happen was they cut off contact, the two of you moved, and...

you two went forward without ever doing what was necessary:

1. to fully understand the affair, to understand the situation in the marriage that lead up to the affair,
2. to identify the contributions the both of you made to the situation in the marriage at the time that made for affair-behavior to be more possible,
3. to determine the steps that would be needed for her to make restitution to you for a repair to begin,
4. to fully involve your WS in the recovery of the marriage to the extent that the WS understood the impact of her behavior and the motivations of it,
5. to identify the emotional needs of one another and learn a means by which each of you can CHEERFULLY meet the needs of the other - and why this leads to PERSONAL happiness in a marriage,
6. to establish firm and extraordinary precautions to prevent the possibility of a repeat affair or a new affair,
7. to understand the basic tenets of an honest and open relationship with one another, where the two of you practice a policy of joint agreement on decisions, and understand how to work as a team for a LOVING relationship.


That's why she never let go of the fantasy. She kept it, because she never did the problem-solving part of the "recovery" after the affair.

Neither have you.


The two of you "moved forward" without REPAIRING THE SHIP. Now, having sailed for nine years in a leaky boat, you are both wondering why you are having to bail water?



Glad you are here. Get your wife on board, ASAP.


Schoolbus


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Quote:


At the beginning of April OM found and contacted WS through facebook indicating that OM had an urgent need to speak to WS. WS did not inform me of this. She ignored the first contact but responded to the 2nd, which occurred about 4/8. OM has a significant health issue and WS is a very sympathetic type so she was easily drawn in. They communicated through facebook and SMS from 4/8 through 4/27 when OM's spouse became aware and stopped the communication. I only discovered this because we recently moved to a new cell carrier and I am going over the bills closely to be sure we aren't being overcharged (happened with previous carrier). The location of the numbers jumped right out at me.



Here is a thought.
You call up OM and tell him yourself:

"If I find that you ever, in any way, attempt to contact MY WIFE for ANY reason, I will rain hell and misery upon you.
DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER, BUDDY?
Now, put your wife on the phone."


(he won't)


But, if he does put his wife on the phone, you say:
"Please, feel free to contact me at any time you are even suspicious our spouses are back in contact with each other. I will remain vigilant on my end."

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Wow, lots of good stuff here. Schoolbus, you are definitely correct that we've had a leaky boat for the last 9 years. I brought this topic up with the Pastor and my wife. This is one component of why I want to put the work in now rather than moving on without my WS (of course there are many other factors too). Maybe it's necessary to go ahead and get a copy of SAA and go through that together as well. I don't like leaky boats...

I do believe I was given full disclosure of the original PA 9 years ago. I believe it went on for so long because the OM moved away halfway through it and they were only physically together every month or two (which I was able to confirm through her spending habits, credit card statements, cell phone records, etc). They had been coworkers before that time. The OM actually was in an affair during his first marriage and ended up marrying that OW. He was in the affair with my wife even before the wedding day of his second marriage. I'm not sure if he was with all 3 women during the same time frame.

I should call the OM's wife (I have their home phone number) but I have not worked myself up to it yet.

Thanks all! I will have to go through all this and take it all in.

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Quick question: should I share this thread with my wife?

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probably not at this time

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RW,

I think you need to gather some more intelligence data, "snooping",on your Wife, if she knows your game plan she might get better at hiding what she is up to.

So for now I would say NO, others may differ.

I do agree with the other posters that the affair never ended, but remained as a fantasy for your wife.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted By: Roy_Williams
Quick question: should I share this thread with my wife?


Sure.
AFTER you call OM and put the fear of God in him.
Then, show your wife this thread.
I'll take the heat.
cool

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What Schoolbus and Pep said.

I reconnected with the OM after 2 years. I would have said when I was here first that I'd completely covered everything that was needed for recovery. I knew MB, I knew what I'd done and the pain I'd caused my H (I really did but not in a real visceral gut churning way) BUT I didn't go far enough. I thought I didn't need to worry about boundaries or extraordinary precautions (EN), I was over the OM, my H and I were happy again.

BUT (that's another but) I didn't have a plan for if (when, because it was only going to be a matter of time) I saw the OM again. I thought that so much time had passed I would be "safe" seeing the OM again but I had no plan, no boundaries.

The inevitable happened. The contact escalated. I just can't tell you too often that NC is for life and not only that but, exactly as Schoolbus says, all the other issues need to be addressed.

My H and I finally addressed everything. My H had been in denial about our recovery - I had too. We really didn't go far enough with out recovery - my H was too hasty to put it all behind him and I was too quick to think we'd recovered.

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Expose the OM everywhere. Kill this affair for good this time.

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So, is exposure to the OM's mother desirable? If so, how do I do this? I have found her on facebook and, through that, found her address and phone number.

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Send his mother a private message through facebook, telling her about the past affair, the recent contact, and ask for her help in making sure that OM stops all contact with your WW because you are trying to protect your family.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Thanks, Lady Clueless, that's pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Now I need to get over my phone phobia (which is a normal phobia for me, not just in this situation) and call the wife. I want to contact the wife before the mother. Is calling the wife necessary or could I send a restricted delivery letter (just to the wife, the post office offers this service) with the same impact? The wife doesn't seem to be on facebook.

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RW,

Please, please make sure that you snoop, expose and do EVERYTHING right this time. Because I am an optimist, I will assume for now that you have caught this before it escalated too far.

I, too, was in your shoes 9 years ago. My WH had an EA in late 2000-early 2001. I caught it and was sucked into just moving on. I, too, read infidelity books back then but not SAA. I did not know about Plan A at the time, so I just tried to get along. My WH was also very resistant to working on things and just assured me that it was over and I should get over it too. I, too, actually thought we were doing ok for the last 9 years, so I wasn't any smarter either but you can sure bet I am now.

I am no longer confident that my M will recover, but I am very hopeful for you. If I had caught my WH sooner, I think I would have had a better chance, but I caught it too late. I am praying that you have caught it in time. This is going to be hard work for you both, but you can do it.

Hoping and praying for the best for you!


BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
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Yes, calling the wife is ABSOLUTELY necessary. If you are uncomfortable calling, you can send a letter, but I think it would be smarter to call. May I suggest that you block your phone number when you call? If OM is home, you don't want him to see your number come up on caller ID and talk to his wife before you do (unless you have her cell phone number or know how to reach her at work).


BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
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How has exposing the OMW and the OM mom gone for you?

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I'm just getting the answering machine so far. I have gotten past dialing the number so I suppose it's just a matter of time before I get through. On the other hand, I'm using my cell with my number set to private (I have already contacted OM using this number). They may not answer private number calls. A friend has a cell phone with an area code that is local to OM so I'm going to borrow that tomorrow. I only have the home number for OM.

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