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NewEveryDay #2344486 03/29/10 08:14 AM
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So, he's doing this because he feels he's giving you time to change your mind about the Divorce. It isn't "real" for him, and you are not reacting with anger.

NED, you are handling this with grace and poise and you are an amazing woman.

ChrisInNOVA #2344501 03/29/10 08:29 AM
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Thanks, Chris, I appreciate this. There's a lot to be grateful for, every day.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2344504 03/29/10 08:31 AM
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NED, I need your help....I am in trouble I think. Pls see my thread "Please help me"...I don't know what to do next. I am panic-ing. Severely.

NewEveryDay #2366254 05/02/10 09:18 AM
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Time for an update. H has been working 90 minutes away during the week, coming home weekends. He's gone to go check out some rentals, but hasn't made any concrete moves yet. My lawyer has my divorce paperwork prepared, and I have the appointment to go over it with him Monday. I'll give H a copy for his attorney. He hasn't decided whether to separate before we file, or whether to just go ahead and file, but I've been honest that I'm filing this month if he's still here.

I've come to a lot of peace with this decision. I really enjoy our family time and couple time together, but I see where Plan B will be a good protection for me, to help me get both feet moving in the same direction. Help me be more objective, and a better advocate for the kids. Part of me still loves this man so much, and is so sad that this didn't work out.

I know that it's okay to set my boundary, with Rule of Protection, it's okay to decide to not settle for a marriage where my spouse was still willing to gain at my expense. So the other part of me is really hopeful, looking into a future where I'm not sure what to expect, and that's okay. Rereading the articles here helps me a lot, like the When to Call It Quits, seeing the paths that others have taken.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2366295 05/02/10 11:08 AM
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I certainly can relate to your feelings NED. I am in a similar situation in that the woman I love I TRULY DO love, but can see that the marriage we had was one in which she continued to gain at my expense and was unwilling to really address the core problems we were having. It breaks my heart to hear about your situation, in that it reminds me that we can only control ourselves, and despite what we may feel for our spouses, they have control over themselves, and will choose the way they go of their own free will.

Stay strong ears... I also get support from reading the articles. The 'When to call it quits' article gave me strength to ask my wife to move out when I caught her moving towards being unfaithful again. It was hard, but necessary. When I find myself feeling bad and begin taking the problems onto myself, I just have to remind myself that SHE was the one who chose to have the original affair. SHE was the one who chose to go on the internet. SHE was the one who chose to ignore my boys and treat them poorly. SHE was the one who chose to lie over and over again, when an "I'm sorry" would have fixed everything. SHE was the one who chose to ignore my ENs and refused to put work into our relationship, choosing to simply 'BE' rather than work. And finally, it was SHE who chose to empty the bank account, shopping spree my house, and file for divorce.

I don't say this for pity. I say this, because I feel in a somewhat kindred spirit with you. I feel your love for your husband, and I feel MY love for my wife and our girls. BUT, I can find some solace in recognizing that my feelings were not returned and neither was respect, consideration, and loyalty. All requirements for a loving relationship. This allows those 'love' feelings to be there, but my course in life to be "OK" as well.

Letting go indeed...

Last edited by Cantfigureitout; 05/02/10 11:12 AM.
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Thanks for your post, CFIO. They exist at the same time, the knowledge I am getting about my limits, and the partnership we have created. I am grateful for this place here, where I have been able to let go also of my behaviors that were holding me back, like the LBs.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2385626 06/04/10 11:51 PM
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Quick update, because not much changes over here. I got the paperwork, H took it to his attorney, he had a few changes that were fine with me, and I got a letter a week ago from my attorney that he's been contacted by H's attorney and is awaiting these changes. It feels as slow as molasses some days, but I like the patience I'm finding.

A few weeks ago, H said he wanted it to work out between us in part because he didn't think he was ever going to find someone who loves him as much as I do. I think once the separation/divorce goes through, he can if he wants to, because I think he's a lovable guy, but it did make me feel a little appreciated that he did like how much I loved him. I kind of felt grateful, that he also acknowledged the deep love we shared; it wasn't just in my head. Kind of like "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2385642 06/05/10 12:39 AM
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*hugs*

I hate that it took this to wake him up. Why can't they ever receive their wake-up call *before* we're on our way out the door? You certainly gave him enough wake-up calls.

I still would like the fairy-tale ending, of him meeting your requirements for giving it one more chance, this time with him fully on board.

And I saw a unicorn tonight.

lol No really, at the town's "First Friday" festival tonight there was a white horse dressed up like a unicorn, giving kids rides.

So I may be believing in fairy-tale endings a bit more than is realistic tonight.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
jayne241 #2385679 06/05/10 06:04 AM
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What Jayne said.

Except I didn't see a unicorn.

NewEveryDay #2385681 06/05/10 06:11 AM
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Hi NewEveryDay; I continued to get verbal put down, LBs all over the place for years; 11 of them...IN SPITE of any "good" that I could do; it just wasn't good enough for him.it; so if you are with an abuser there may be NOTHING that we CAN do to help them see (or love themselves) and love us.
Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
A few weeks ago, H said he wanted it to work out between us in part because he didn't think he was ever going to find someone who loves him as much as I do.
That may be very true; no one who will "deal with him in a forgiving way"...he should have thought of that selfish thought a little earlier...duh...sorry but that was a bit lame if I can say that...hugs. Divorce is the not the "final answer"...remarriage is always possible...praying for you.


Separated from VAH since Nov.
Married 11 years
1 sd (currently lives w/him; 19)
1 ds (aspergers, with me; 9)
Regaining my life and may be divorced one year from now.
Returned to my church that HE took me out of (ministry) THREE times...never again!!!
singingsolo #2385694 06/05/10 06:54 AM
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Quote:
A few weeks ago, H said he wanted it to work out between us in part because he didn't think he was ever going to find someone who loves him as much as I do.


This bugs me.

It's all about him.

If he were truly concerned with the care and protection of the marriage, wouldn't it be about you?

See, I see what he said as an entitlement thing.

I am happy that you have found your peace with this process and am convinced you are doing the right thing, if only based on statements like that.

singingsolo #2385718 06/05/10 08:08 AM
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Ah, good point, OH and SS! I totally missed the significance of that statement.

BTW what is VAH? Very annoying H?

Quote:
What Jayne said.

Except I didn't see a unicorn.
rotflmao

Neddie, I'm glad you've found peace, too.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
jayne241 #2386024 06/06/10 07:17 AM
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Jayne, hugs back to you, too. I got plenty of wake-up calls that I talked myself out of acting on, too, back from when we were first dating. There were many intermediate measures I took, but how many times did LA suggest that I consider handing him his bags, or other intermediate measures I didn't take, and I thought, wow, that makes sense, but I can't do that, I'm too scared. Why did it take me so long to set aside my fear consistently enough? Who knows. But forgiving H helps me use that forgiveness muscle, helps me forgive myself for my lack of action.

Yes, I like like that fairy-tale ending, too. It would take a lot of change on my part, too. Reading Telly's thread, I projected myself in there, how much I would want to smooth my family's way for them, and how cool it would be for me to step back instead. When I went to IC before, it was how to cope with H's IB, share my O&H, but if H and I did take a new start, I would get the targeted help to further change my own behavior, to stay connected with what I am enthusiastic about, what is special and meaningful for me in the context of family. My family doesn't need a manager in the way I've tried to do that. I'm actually thinking IC would be the way for me to go again, even after I don't have H to practice these ideas with anymore.

As an example, a good friend and her family came from out of state to visit this weekend, staying in a beautiful resort. Me, I would like to take everyone around the gorgeous part of town they are staying in, but they wanted to stay at the hotel. I felt really sad for them that while H and I took the kids down to the pool, they sat in the hotel room. But you know what? There was one of those MTV style pool parties at the pool, with the kids' favorite music, I've never seen that before, and we had a blast. And my friends are grownups, if they wanted to see the party from their room with the AC, when it was 95+ degrees outside, why would I choose to feel sad for them?! They're coming to my house today, and I still *really* want to take them to see around town, but I'm going to offer once, and then shut up about it already LOL. If they want to spend a day of their vacation at my house, I can take that as a compliment. And if *I* don't want to sit in the house, I can offer to take the kids with me and go, like we did yesterday.

SS, thanks for your post, I know it can be hard to join a long conversation, so I really appreciate you joining! VAH, is that verbally abusive husband? I know what you mean about a critical spouse, and I can see my part now, that it took someone willing to take ownership to fix all our problems myself, and I feel good about moving out of that pattern. Good for you for getting back into ministry!

OH, I hear you, that you heard something different in this quote, too. I see that, too, and I can tell you we have other moments that are not just about him, but about us, too. But of course, yes, the entitlement thing doesn't fit a healthy family.

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 06/06/10 08:36 AM. Reason: added another thought

Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2386049 06/06/10 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
As an example, a good friend and her family came from out of state to visit this weekend, staying in a beautiful resort. Me, I would like to take everyone around the gorgeous part of town they are staying in, but they wanted to stay at the hotel. I felt really sad for them that while H and I took the kids down to the pool, they sat in the hotel room.


Maybe they wanted some UA time and really appreciated your taking the kids to the pool and leaving them in the room? Maybe they were looking forward to having some great SF in the fancy hotel room? flirt


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
jayne241 #2386183 06/06/10 06:54 PM
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Jayne, nice thought, but two moms of the other kids were up in the room with them, and my friend is having a complicated pregnancy, no SF at all allowed.

I'm getting so good at POJA! They didn't want to get out of the car much at all, being 95+ degrees outside, but they were enthusiastic about seeing the city from the car, like one of those air-conditioned bus tours. Because we didn't go inside anywhere, we got to see a lot more things, things I've never seen my whole time living here, like the oldest house in the county.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2389273 06/12/10 08:00 PM
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I got a letter in the mail, my lawyer forwarded what H's lawyer had sent him. H does not agree to separation, but instead agrees to move out within 15 days after the dissolution (what they call divorce) is granted. I felt angry at first, that he communicated this through the lawyer instead of to me directly, but I realized he has every right to do that. I asked him to look through this with me, and in retrospect I would've liked to have slept on it overnight, and talked to him tomorrow about how I felt about it. He still has a few more pieces of paperwork to get together on his side, things I can't fill out for him. I had meant to ask him, the next time this kind of talk came up, since he doesn't like the plan I proposed, what does he propose? And I was flustered and didn't. So I am planning to next time take some time to get ready, so I can ask.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2390733 06/15/10 10:39 AM
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The Love Busters thread, talking about the effect of work travel on marriages, has been really validating to me to read. It really reinforces to me specifically why an in-town job is one of the things I am requesting in my Plan B letter.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2394692 06/23/10 05:28 AM
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I felt *so* weepy for a few days, questioning my decision, and now feel back to normal again. Is this normal?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2408524 07/22/10 06:49 AM
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Wanted to give an update. I'd had more second thoughts in June, to the point that I had a heart to heart with H about reconciling. I should have remembered that if it was time to reconcile, it would have been way more obvious. He would've found a job here, instead of turning local requests away because he was already on assignment out of town for a few more weeks, because "that's how consulting works." He would've gotten the outside accountability I'd asked him to get, for his AOs, even though they've gone away for the time being. Anyhow, I knew that, and I approached him anyway. He said that was great, we can make a new start in California. I actually considered it for a moment before being O&H and telling him that I don't want to move there, and I want to find solutions we are both happy with. His answer was, "You'll change your mind." I understand why I went to talk to him about reconciliation, because a filling Love Bank is very compelling, but I know that my marriage needs to be important enough to me for me to stop going along with things that make withdrawals for me. So, I'm back on the road to go to Plan B. Working Plan A in the meanwhile. Plan A is so much easier with a happy spouse, it's gotten a lot easier over time.

Our lawyers are still working through the paperwork. I thought we were on the same page and they'd completed the paperwork, more of that wishful thinking. With H's okay, I'm taking the kids to visit a friend out of state for a week, leaving Friday. The kids will be gone a second week. I was O&H with H, and told him that I think this would be the best time for him to move out, while the kids are gone, and while they're used to him being gone with the work travel. He said he'd consider it, and went to look for places Saturday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I've done that before.

Part of me wishes I would've had a different update, that H and I worked it out and were madly in love again. And part of me is hugely grateful to still be letting go. I am so thankful for the tools here on the site, they really help with the clarity.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2415759 08/11/10 04:44 PM
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The lawyers are done with the paperwork, and H has an appointment with his attorney to review and sign it, and then I will meet with my attorney, review and sign. I was hoping he'd be moved out by the time the kids got back from vacation, but that's okay, however it works out will be fine. We took a family vacation last week, and got along pretty well, all things considered.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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