I'm new to the forum and surely not unique in my experience, but i'm feeling so utterly alone that i'd be relieved to hear from someone, anyone, whether or not you've been through something similar.
i'm an anomaly: a 26-year-old wife who's been married 8 years. i should be proud that we've beat the odds; in addition to the too-young-to-marry factor, we've survived a lot of external, circumstantial stuff as well-
-but a year and a half ago, when my husband was deeply depressed and having a combined crisis of faith and early-onset midlife crisis (he's 8 years my senior), i prayed for a friend i could truly be open with, someone who could understand me and not judge me, someone with whom i could be REAL. (it's hard for a minister's wife to be real for fear of causing others to stumble--i was always cheerful, gracious, serene and encouraging w/ everyone who knew us, but it was gett9ng increasingly hard to maintain as my husband got more and more miserable and angry.) i felt that if i had just one person i could really confide in, i could be a stronger person, a better wife, etc...unfortunately, my prayer was answered. But evidently not by God. i met a man we'll call X, started a great friendship..that led to an AFFAIR after a year and a half of innocuous and non-physical, non-flirtatious friendship.
i was unfaithful. an adulteress.
i got caught. i told X on the phone, in my husband's presence, that i would never see him, call him, text him, etc. ever again. i haven't.
here's my problem: Dr. Harley says it typically takes 3 weeks or so recover from one's addiction to the illicit lover...it's been nearly 2 years and i am still...mourning, i guess.
i got a new job, worked 16 hour days. in my off time i ran till i collapsed, listened to angry music on my i=pod, hit my punching bag till i got a stress fracture. lost weight i couldn't afford to lose. kept my happy face on, got a raise and a promotion--see, daytime is OK as long as i'm busy--VERY busy, compulsively busy--but when i sleep i dream about X without fail.
i started sleeping on the couch because i wake up crying around 3 a.m almost every night. i dream that X has died and i go to his funeral and his mom slaps my face and calls me a whore. i dream that my husband tells my family that i was unfaithful and they disown me. that he tells my daughters and they grow up to cheat. every horrible outcome of adultery you can imagine, that's what i experience when i sleep. so i try not to.
this is a lot of self-pitying BS, i'm sure--bottom line is this: i miss X desperately. i ended things like i was supposed to according to Dr. Harley. i kept up my end of the deal and have not tried to contact X in any way. but my MIND is wrong. i go through the motions of trying to be a good wife, trying to make things right, but inside i feel numb and indifferent towards my husband because i am so...sad.
when does it go away? worst-case scenario? what can i do to fix this and stop missing this man?
i will take advice from anyone. no one knows about my infidelity because all our peers think my husband and i are the Golden Couple and i don't want to make anyone question their own commitment to their marriage. i confided in one friend that i had been unfaithful and she started cheating herself within a month and is now divorced. i don't want to start an epidemic. i need to tell someone who doesn't know me. if you're reading this, please help.

I'm new to the forum and surely not unique in my experience, but i'm feeling so utterly alone that i'd be relieved to hear from someone, anyone, whether or not you've been through something similar.
i'm an anomaly: a 26-year-old wife who's been married 8 years. i should be proud that we've beat the odds; in addition to the too-young-to-marry factor, we've survived a lot of external, circumstantial stuff as well-
-but a year and a half ago, when my husband was deeply depressed and having a combined crisis of faith and early-onset midlife crisis (he's 8 years my senior), i prayed for a friend i could truly be open with, someone who could understand me and not judge me, someone with whom i could be REAL. (it's hard for a minister's wife to be real for fear of causing others to stumble--i was always cheerful, gracious, serene and encouraging w/ everyone who knew us, but it was gett9ng increasingly hard to maintain as my husband got more and more miserable and angry.) i felt that if i had just one person i could really confide in, i could be a stronger person, a better wife, etc...unfortunately, my prayer was answered. But evidently not by God. i met a man we'll call X, started a great friendship..that led to an AFFAIR after a year and a half of innocuous and non-physical, non-flirtatious friendship.
i was unfaithful. an adulteress.
i got caught. i told X on the phone, in my husband's presence, that i would never see him, call him, text him, etc. ever again. i haven't.
here's my problem: Dr. Harley says it typically takes 3 weeks or so recover from one's addiction to the illicit lover...it's been nearly 2 years and i am still...mourning, i guess.
i got a new job, worked 16 hour days. in my off time i ran till i collapsed, listened to angry music on my i=pod, hit my punching bag till i got a stress fracture. lost weight i couldn't afford to lose. kept my happy face on, got a raise and a promotion--see, daytime is OK as long as i'm busy--VERY busy, compulsively busy--but when i sleep i dream about X without fail.
i started sleeping on the couch because i wake up crying around 3 a.m almost every night. i dream that X has died and i go to his funeral and his mom slaps my face and calls me a [censored]. i dream that my husband tells my family that i was unfaithful and they disown me. that he tells my daughters and they grow up to cheat. every horrible outcome of adultery you can imagine, that's what i experience when i sleep. so i try not to.
this is a lot of self-pitying BS, i'm sure--bottom line is this: i miss X desperately. i ended things like i was supposed to according to Dr. Harley. i kept up my end of the deal and have not tried to contact X in any way. but my MIND is wrong. i go through the motions of trying to be a good wife, trying to make things right, but inside i feel numb and indifferent towards my husband because i am so...sad.
when does it go away? worst-case scenario? what can i do to fix this and stop missing this man?
i will take advice from anyone. no one knows about my infidelity because all our peers think my husband and i are the Golden Couple and i don't want to make anyone question their own commitment to their marriage. i confided in one friend that i had been unfaithful and she started cheating herself within a month and is now divorced. i don't want to start an epidemic. i need to tell someone who doesn't know me. if you're reading this, please help.

What seems to be lacking is any plan of recovery. With an alcoholic, for example, only the first step is quitting drinking; the other 11 steps are building a life without alcohol. It is the same with adulterers. In order to recover they must have a plan and do much more than just ending the affair. They must affair proof their marriage and create a romantic relationship to fill the vacuum created by the loss of the affair.

That is where I would start if I were you: get the book Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs and follow the program as outlined in those books.

Do you live close to the OM? Do you EVER see him anywhere? Is he married and if so, does his wife know what you have done?

Here is what it will take to recover your marriage:

here

you're probably right regarding lack of a concrete plan--my husband is anti-counseling, anti-interference of any sort. i think he's as ashamed as i am. radical honesty makes me cringe for obvious reasons--i don't want anyone to know what i did--but i think it would make him feel like less of a man to tell someone that i cheated.

we read Dr. Harley's books forever ago and are familiar with the concepts, but it's hard to strategize and form a plan of action when you're not on the same page. without using the specific terminology, i'm trying to do my part to make us right. i want to be a good wife but i feel so woefully inept. i feel like if i had been good enough, he would have come through his rough patch without depression and misery, or that at least i would have been able to bring him some comfort, if not joy. i subscribe wholeheartedly to the love tank concept, but it seems i've always fallen short with him. i need to study further and see if i can coax some info from him about what he really needs from me as a wife.

the OM--seems strange to refer to him as such but it does help depersonalize him-- lives almost an hour from me. we have never crossed paths since i ended it, nor is it likely that we ever will. he's a divorcee, no wife to inform.

Hi sorry you are here Remain, here are some things I do to help my relationship with my husband being a WW myself.

1. I treat him with respect as a father and husband, knowing that I have respect for him makes me love him more, and knowing that he is the bread winner in this family, he IS THE MAN!

2. I give him compliments threw out the day, so he knows that I admire his hard work and his accomplishments.

3. I think positive thoughts about our relationship, so when I start thinking or missing the OM (Other man) this is what I do. "STOP STOP STOP STOP!! (I literally scream this in my head) I love my husband, I love Wheels, he is everything to me!" or I just say "STOP STOP STOP STOP!! I miss wheels, I wish he was here right now." Then the next time I see him, I give him a HUGE hug and a very romantic KISS!

4. I make goals with him, making goals is one of my top 5 EN's even though it really isn't on the list but it is on mine every time we make a goal together either its for the house, my business, the kids, etc. I get more and more excited about OUR future together!

You need to start thinking a different thought, it sounds like you have a little voice in your head that says "I miss OM" or "I wish I was with the OM instead." First thing you need to do is CHANGE THAT A.S.A.P because what you think about you bring about, once you start thinking that, then you will never stop loving your OM. Change your thought patterns, start yelling at yourself inside your brain and start thinking about your husband, you love him, and there is know one else you would rather be then him. Give him compliments everyone LOVES compliments, it will make you fall more and more in love with your husband when you actually show and say those admiration's.

SO whats it gunna be? You gunna start changing your thought patterns? Or are you going to live the next 20 years thinking about and wishing you were with the OM?

My advice: always listen to Mel, she is right.

Also, you need to fix what you are doing in the marriage. You can persuade your husband to work with you, but it is all his choice. Along with the books that Mel has posted take the questionnaires for each book with your husband. The material here is also a gold mine, read it thoroughly until you are an expert.

Here are some terms that you AND your husband should know and work on:

1. POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement)
2. LB$ (Love Bank)
3. EN (Emotional Needs)
4. LB (Love Busters)

Research these and practice them, only practice makes perfect.

Find out why your husband seems so angry, or aggressive, do not try to fix him, just be there to listen to him, and let him tell you on his time frame.

Also if you are having nightmares of his family knowing, why not face those nightmares and fess up to them what is going on. I think it would be a weight off your and your husbands shoulders.

Radical honesty is what you practice with each other. It is superficiality that prevents intimacy in marriages. In your case, I would tell your H exactly what you told us above. He should that you are unhappy and are still pining away for the OM. That might motivate him to get to work on your marriage.

Also, fantasizing about your adultery partner tells me you don't have a realistic perspective about him or the affair. The truth is that your affair would have never made it. The vast majority of affairs [95%] fail within 2 years. The very traits that made them possible, thoughtlessness, deceit, dishonesty, disrespect, quickly erode the affair.

Not to mention the fact that men that do it with married women have a profound disrespect for the married woman and the institution of marriage. Affairees are rarely tolerated by family members either, so the relationship is hampered by an inability to darken the doorstep of inlaws, friends, etc.

In other words, affairs are fraught with problems so it is important to view them in a realistic light, rather than a romantic light. Affairs are RARELY "romantic" once the lights are turned on in the crack house. Rather, they are disgusting, repulsive and unworkable when the lights are turned on.

thank you so much, MelodyLane. it makes a huge difference just to know that someone cares enough to evaluate this miserable situation and reply...

let me ask you this--what if my husband doesn't WANT to know? he made it clear that he knows i cheated and that he doesn't want to know why, who, where, etc.--for a while i kept a journal for my own benefit, trying to get my mind around exactly why i allowed it to happen, the circumstances that made it possible, etc--so i've at least been honest with myself.

i've been on eggshells with my husband ever since--obviously my phone records, email accounts, facebook, GPS routes, etc are an open book to him, he has concrete proof that i'm not cheating any longer--but he has no interest whatsoever in why i cheated in the first place. and i feel that to explain it would sound cruel, as though i were trying to make it his fault. which it wasn't. is there a way to get on with our lives without hashing it out? do we HAVE to talk about it? i can talk about it, but i sincerely believe that my husband can't. i know dr. h says it's insulting to assume that someone "can't handle the truth", but i really believe it's true, here. if someone says they don't want to hear it, do they still need to hear it, or would i just be being mean at that point?

^AGREE! (on melody's post)

Your H needs to know the truth about your feelings about the OM and your marriage. THAT is what I mean by radical honesty. He needs to know you are unhappy.

Do you ever speak to him, email him, IM him, see him on facebook? Did you save any pictures, anything?

Where is the intimacy in this situation?
There is none.
That is why you harbor feelings for OM.
Your marriage is cold.

My advice?
Tell you H that you are miserable.
Be honest.
And tell H you will be calling a MARRIAGE BUILDER program to get a plan to make your marriage intimate and loving.
And then, YOU make the call to the MB counseling line.
They will counsel you separately.


You take this step.
Your H will get on board.
You make the first move.

God bless.

i totally love your attitude!

thank you for the support--i totally agree with idea of "speaking it into being"; i make a point of telling my husband his haircut looks hot, or he did a killer job mowing the Lawn, or his presentation for work was awesome--and most important of all, i hype him up to our daughters, telling them how cool it is that their daddy's such a hard worker, so clever, etc.

my best-case scenario is to love my husband and stay with him forever. but i realize now that i've been trying to chase away thoughts of X by staying too busy to think about ANYTHING except the task at hand--fine solution for small worries, but not really healthy at all when it comes to life-altering issues. you're right, i need to just live my life like a normal non-workaholic person and confront thoughts of X like a grown-up...it's going to be hard, but i look forward to the day when i can enjoy life with my husband.

thank you again for your enthusiastic support!

nothing. no email, pics, facebook, nothing. i could contact him easily enough if i wanted to, i just haven't, out of respect for my husband and the promise i made not to.

i don't harbor any fantasies about What Might Have Been...X was pretty impractical as far as any type of relationship goes. i don't think i would be happier if i divorced my husband and married him, for instance.

tell you the truth, i would LOVE to hear through the grapevine that X has gotten remarried, or moved to Utah, or something. maybe that would help me forget him.

i might have broken the Don't Whine rule, huh? =)

Thank you for your black-and-white perspective on things--it's so easy when you're looking at a situation subjectively to let the whole thing dissolve into shades of gray, am I right?

I jolly well WILL talk to my husband honestly. albeit with some measure of sweetness and tact.

cross your fingers, or pray, or just wish fervently for me to do this right...

THANK YOU!! *
the folks on this forum are the first and only people i've ever confided in about this. (i was convinced that i was going to get verbally stoned to death. you are all good people and i thank you sincerely for your kindness, understanding, and good advice.

RemainNameless,

I have not been on here for a while but when I read your post, I felt compelled to respond. To answer your question, you are not an anomoly. I have been dealing with a similar situation for 10 plus years, but on the other side of the equation as the BS. It seems to me that you need to communicate with your husband and go to counseling, that is if you really want to save your marriage. Believe me when I say that your husband likely knows that you are thinking of X and wanting to be with him..he can probably see it in your eyes and in your behavior towards him. Ask yourself if you REALLY want to be in your marriage?? Does X really symbolize something else like an escape from your current situation? If he does not want to do counseling, I would suggest that you consider going for yourself and work on you. When you do, my guess is that it will go away. Good luck and God Bless!!

It seems to me the elephant is still in the room. The other man is on your mind because your husband is not. Your husband is focusing on (I deduce he is in the ministry) building the ministry. I hope he gets the message that his next priority after his relationship with God is his responsibility to nurture the relationship with his family. It sounds to me like he is in "lets ignore it and maybe it will go away" and "if it goes away I won't have to face the issues I need to change in my life".

Your husband needs to get on board and you need to have an honest and frank discussion about your relationship. I suspect he will try to avoid it and you may try to retreat back to avoidance through work, but the elephant needs to be acknowledged. Both of you would do well to adhere to POJA the principal of joint agreement and radical honesty. I think your husband needs to buy into these principles. I am concerned for your husband, as he is trying to build his ministry in his own strength. If his relationship with his wife is out of alignment his spiritual walk will suffer. The pressure to "appear" to be perfect in the ministry is immense. It is too difficult to maintain this, we are all human. It is God who is perfect not the Pastor.

I suspect you are both feeling alone in this struggle. Your marriage needs surgery and nobody wants to call the ambulance, because of fear. What will it look like. This cannot be sustained long term. Your husband needs to start meeting your needs and you your husbands needs. As Melody says you can fall back in love with your husband, but there needs to be a recognition that there is a problem by both parties. And for your marriage to survive I believe the idea of "keep it all looking good" will have to be jettisoned. By overcoming this issue you both will have much greater impact in your ministry.

Blessings
BCBoy

you rock, taz30! your perceptions are all totally on point and i'm glad you took time to reply...like i said, i was convinced that i was totally alone in this. nothing new under the sun, right? =)
here's a scenario: what if i DON'T love my husband right now? trust me, i want to. nothing would make me happier than to fall in love with the man i'm already married to and live happily ever after. i've already committed myself to staying married no matter what--you think counseling can help me remember WHY i want to stay married to him?
not being sarcastic here, just totally candid. i could never be this honest with people i see face-to-face.
you think it's possible to fall back in love if you work at it?

Remain,

You have been given excellent advice by all who have posted to you. I really liked BCB's because he points out something very important to you about you, your H, your family and your marriage.

YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.
YOUR H CANNOT BUILD A MINISTRY OR BE A GOOD H ALONE.

You are trying to recover from your addiction to OM, but in actuality you are trying to find someone who loves you and your mind goes to OM. He is not the problem. You need your God's help, you need YOUR H's help. Conversely, your H needs your help to see where he is failing. You two are supposed to be ONE and you are not. Your age is not the problem and neither is his. It is the two of you trying to go it alone, and still keep a facade of happiness for everyone.

Noone in his ministry will enjoy his LYING to them, and he is. Noone in his ministry, your family, and your friends will enjoy you lying to them. Both of you are lying.

I made this post to another woman on this site who had an affair and despairs that her marriage can be saved. Rather than type it again please read it. It offers the rudiments of a plan using the MB approach. It can be fleshed out and expanded at your choice. Here it is Helena's thread

God Bless,

JL