Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 55 of 86 1 2 53 54 55 56 57 85 86
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Thank you. I just went for a whole 10 minutes without coughing. Yay me!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Had a great lunch with melody and then we got a computer.....it was so much fun. I can't wait to do it again. It so kept my mind off things. Thanks melody!!!!


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by hope_eternal
Had a great lunch with melody and then we got a computer.....it was so much fun. I can't wait to do it again. It so kept my mind off things. Thanks melody!!!!

I had the best time!! Thanks! smile

How is the new computer?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
I love the computer....it's very much like my other Toshiba. I love the ease of key movement. This is my first post of MB from my new computer.

I talked with Melody earlier about my H's dealings with the oldest son. This weekend he has called him a mama's boy and how I keep telling him all that he's done, but she's not telling you what bad things she's doing. He thought that my son's disposable cameras were bought to take pics of him doing something wrong. I bought those cameras for their last day of school; I didn't even know that they took the cameras with them. After my H called DS11 that he was a mama's boy, my son said, "No, you just want me to feel sorry for you and I don't"

I feel weird about that too. I don't want their relationship to be strained, but it's heading that way. All the while, my daughter is getting on to DS11 about his attitude toward father. DS11 is also questioning me as to whether I'm telling him the truth. I just explained everything again and told him that I have no reason to lie to him.

Then, DD14 called tonight and told me that her daddy was mad at her for no reason. She asked if she could go up to the marina at lake and he said, "yes". She went up there and they were doing Kareoke for breast cancer. She got up there and sang a song. She told her dad and he got mad at her. I asked her how she was dressed, etc. and she said just shorts and a shirt. He was mad that she didn't ask him about singing and showing her body in public??? He then said," So if you want to take off and go to Houston, you'll just do it without asking?" I wondered if that was some sort of jab at me since I'm here this weekend. Why did he use that as an analogy?

I told her just to follow his rules and be respectful. The children part of this is so hard to deal with everyone is so hurt and confused.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 126
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 126
Oh good, you got your new computer already...yay! Toshiba is a great brand so I imagine this new laptop of yours will do you well for quite some time.

Quote
This weekend he has called him a mama's boy
Ouch, that's sad, a father should never say something like that to his son. I know to some it may not sound like such a big deal but, to a young boy at such an impressionable age, it most definitely can be. Poor kid, my heart goes out to him.

Oh no, my computer is making all kinds of weird noise at the moment so I have a sneaky suspicion that it might be about to crash. Think I'd better go reboot it before that happens. I'll be back asap.

Hugs to you, hope.


Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15

Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong
1942-, American Author
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Watching my brother play with his baby girl in the pool. Dd just called and said that h is bringing kids home at 1:00. She told me that he said I better hurry and get home. Yeah right, he won't give me any times, so he can keep them till I get home.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by hope_eternal
Watching my brother play with his baby girl in the pool. Dd just called and said that h is bringing kids home at 1:00. She told me that he said I better hurry and get home. Yeah right, he won't give me any times, so he can keep them till I get home.

sigh.. It's always a game, isn't it? What is your plan? How late were you planning on staying? My suspicion would be that he wants to dump the kids so he can see the OW. If you haven't already, I would have your brother call him back and tell him you won't be home until after 6 pm.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
Quote
I talked with Melody earlier about my H's dealings with the oldest son. This weekend he has called him a mama's boy

This jumped out at me. My son is 22 now, but XWH used to mock him to me about how "mommy takes care of everything for him." And it used to be that nobody was closer to his son than XWH was.

I can't imagine it's because he wanted DS22 to live with him. XWH moved out and filed two years ago and I heard nothing about taking DS with him, even though you would think he'd want the boy to be away from his "crazy, unstable, unsafe" mother.

Nope. Single guys don't like the kids hanging around. Not even the older ones.

Just thought I'd mention that mocking the kids for remaining close to the betrayed parent may be something out of the Wayward Handbook. It's probably part of the Wayward Fantasy that they are making things soooo much better for everyone in the family by cheating and walking out. It may deserve its own thread.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 126
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 126
Quote
Watching my brother play with his baby girl in the pool. Dd just called and said that h is bringing kids home at 1:00. She told me that he said I better hurry and get home. Yeah right, he won't give me any times, so he can keep them till I get home.
Yeah, stay strong and don't give in on this one, hope, there's no need to rush home simply because that is what your WH wants. My guess is that your WH has plans for the day and if he can't "unload" the kids on you by a particular time his plans will be interrupted. Too bad, why should YOUR day have to be rescheduled to fit HIS plans??? After all, he is their father and, if he likes living his life without you in it so much...let him see what his life will REALLY be like without you in it. Not so easy when the partner isn't there to help out 24/7, that's for sure.

Relax, take your time and enjoy spending some time with your brother, you deserve a break, too.

Mulan, you make an excellent (and valid) point. I totally hear you there.


Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15

Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong
1942-, American Author
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
I told DD that I would not be back until 4:00, so it would do no good to be there earlier because I would not be there to open the door. Anyhoo. I got home by 3:30 and they rolled in at 4:00. I still have 5 more days of work without students and then I will be done for the summer.

Lots of information from the kiddos, but hard to know if they get anything right. DS9 says that H just blames everything on me....big surprise there. They also said he was talking to a woman last night while they were at Sonic, and he said, "Don't get mad because I have to put you on hold while I order." My DD said she saw the caller and it said Ms. whatever. It wasn't OW's name, but we all know how that works. My dd said, "I doubt he would talk with her on the phone in front of us....who knows.

I seriously doubt our marriage can come back from this. I guess I'm just not understanding why this has happened to me.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by hope_eternal
I seriously doubt our marriage can come back from this. I guess I'm just not understanding why this has happened to me.


{{{{{{{{{{{{hope}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have a suggestion. Please focus on plugging the leaks. For example, make sure that the kids do not pass on any more messages from your H. When your H says "tell your mom..." they are to tell him to call Uncle J. He should not be using them as a conduit.

I would ask your brother to send your H a pick up time and a drop off time. Maybe pick up at 6 and drop off at 6.

Nor should he be sending them in with messages. Hope, I would train them NOW to say "we are not supposed to send messages to Mom, that has to go through Uncle J."

How was your weekend??


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Hey ML. I was reading HopeE's posts and I was thinking the SAME things.

HopeE, you are doing GREAT. Your WH wants this Plan B to be done HIS way. He is trying to break you. Show him you mean business. We all KNOW you do. He needs to KNOW. The next time that he send a message through the kiddos, you IGNORE it. Tell the kiddos, "Daddy knows he needs to send any messages through Uncle J." Then don't even listen to what they have to say. That way your WH will soon get them saying, "Daddy, you need to call/message Uncle J."



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote
I would ask your brother to send your H a pick up time and a drop off time. Maybe pick up at 6 and drop off at 6.

Great idea. That eliminates the wiggle room. If he doesn't show on the prearranged date or time, he has to wait until his next turn.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 256
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 256
(((Hope)))

You are going great. I agree with everyone else - you need to plug the leaks. WH will complain that you are being childish, putting the kids in the middle, yada, yada. Don't listen and don't worry.

You did not deserve this. I ask myself all the time why this happened to me, too. I have yet to get an answer in my heart. Even if we were not perfect wives, we did not deserve THIS. And our kids deserved it even less.

Stay strong! We are here for you and you are NOT alone.

P.S. - I am jealous you got to meet Melody Lane!


BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
I'll admit though that I'm bad about asking questions....I know I need to stop. I guess I keep questioning why he won't ask to come back. How he can just walk away from his children at least. I guess I shouldn't care if he doesn't want me.

My weekend was great!!! The best I've felt for awhile. I guess when my husband comes around, I fall to pieces.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by hope_eternal
I'll admit though that I'm bad about asking questions....I know I need to stop.

Actually, ask away.

Here, not in real life.

This is where you get to vent. Real life is where you go out and perform your plan.

Get it out of your system here.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
I will try and believe it or not I am doing so much better....I have rare crying moments. It just bothers me so much his lack of concern for our children or anything. My DD told me yesterday that it seems that he doesn't care about things he use to care about. For example, "you want to kiss your boyfriend....go ahead." or "a new piercing, sure."

We always stood together on these issues and now I feel I may be coming against something in the future. I told DD that I'm still the same and have the same principles for guiding my children. I guess I don't see him coming back because he has such freedom without children or responsibilities. How does all that's happening put pressure on him to come back?

I have been thinking about all the things I need to do with the house....things I've neglected over the years...just upkeep mostly. The same is true for my spiritual life. I'm going to start working out this week too. I have a gym membership that I have not been using.

Now it's time to get ready for school....just a few more days.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
HopeE, I am sorry. It is true that even the kiddos can see that your WH isn't his normal self. I am glad that your DD14 sees it too. I was beginning to worry about her. I thought she might get sucked into his lies. She must be an AWESOME kid and you must have done an AWESOME job raising her.

It's perfectly normal to have all of those questions and what ifs in your head. The thing is, there comes a time when you need to readjust your focus. You need to start worrying about you. The less you hear about your WH, the better you will feel. You will still have bad days/moments. That is the time you will want to come on here and vent. As much as you WANT to hear about your WH from your children, you need to stop asking them. You can let them talk about thing that they want to talk about in regards to the sitch, their feelings and such, but you shouldn't hear about the day to day things. It will keep you stuck. It's not something you will fix over night(believe me I know, my DS9 sometimes says, "Mommy, stop asking about what we ate."). It is something you will work on gradually(me too laugh ).

Other than that, you are doing GREAT. Keep dark as night. Plug up those holes. You can do this. You ARE doing this. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by hope_eternal
I talked with Melody earlier about my H's dealings with the oldest son. This weekend he has called him a mama's boy and how I keep telling him all that he's done, but she's not telling you what bad things she's doing.

Hope, are you telling them that their father is done with the marriage? Announcements like that should come from him, not you. You don't know what he's going to ultimately decide, and you can't control that, and you don't know how many million times he's going to change his mind and do who knows what.

Let HIM tell HIS children what HE thinks he is going to do. Keep YOU out of it.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Hi Markos,

what I meant for that to say is that he said, "Your mom is telling you all the bad things that I've done, but she's not telling you all the bad things she is doing."

He's talking about the exposure and my gathering evidence. I've not told them that dad is done....I just keep telling them that I hope he will one day come back.


BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
Page 55 of 86 1 2 53 54 55 56 57 85 86

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 190 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
raysunshine, BuckeyeGrad, A12345bc, light124, DORA SMITH
71,770 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,564
Posts2,323,016
Members71,771
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5