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MelodyLane #2386599 06/07/10 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
My son better put me in a DAMN GOOD RETIREMENT HOME for this...

I am so sorry, BT. frown I know how much pain you are in. One thing that will help is to find another place to live. Take that rotten bed to Goodwill and go buy a new one.

What date did you call Dr Harley on the radio, BT?

The 28th; Friday before Memorial Day. I doubt it's a memory BT wants to remember right this second, but it might be good to relisten to Dr. Harley's comments.

Here's the link:

http://richwith.com/mb/oldershows/05-28-10/


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2386605 06/07/10 03:41 PM
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
MelodyLane #2386607 06/07/10 03:52 PM
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My H unfortunately chose to entertain the OW in our home as well. In fact, she was gracious enough to leave me a little parting gift in the form of her undies for me to discover.

Needless to say, the house underwent a somewhat significant remodeling. New paint, furniture, change in decor overall.

It doesnt look like the same rooms anymore but I have to tell you, overall - I cant say that it has made much difference.

Do you know why I think that is? I imagine that it must been a huge victory for the OW. She was screwing my H in MY house. MY house. The message that my H sent her by bringing her here is that he cared SO little about ME, about our home - that he would use it like a pay per hour motel.

I KNOW the OW was all smug about that. What she doesnt get is that the likely reason he brought her here is that he was too cheap to spring for a hotel. Prince Charming...


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

Recovering
Still_Crazy #2386608 06/07/10 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
Knowledge is power though, the more you KNOW about things and are not WONDERING (usually our mental images are worse than what actually occured or was said) the better some of that gets.


Be careful, I found out that they went to a national hotel chain for SF, see them everywhere!!

Focus on the modus operandi, how did they pull it off? affair phones, secret e-mail accounts, etc. etc.


BH:41
WW:38
DDay:April 10
DS x 2 (5&7)
JustKim #2386618 06/07/10 04:34 PM
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Thanks Markos!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2386739 06/07/10 08:30 PM
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Called radio show at 3pm EST on 28 May 2010. I was holding the lid on a total exposure till after that call in, to see what Dr. H. said.

I could move from this house, sell my furniture etc, but I dont want to.

ITS MINE DAMNIT!!

Sorry. But it is MINE. I will NOT let OM take it from me. I wasnt even trying to neccesarily do anything to him other than expose the affair to get them to stop.

He lost his job and his friends, his wife has his money, his house, his kids, and I have my wife and house and kids.

He is a POSOM and this has wrecked his life. In the business he and I are in, its a small world. Everyone knows everyone. He will not be getting a job in this business anytime soon.

I didnt even work for these things. I exposed. The rest happened. Now, after that, I will not let him have my house or anything else either.

JK, thank you so much for your post. I don tknow how you made it through 61 pages but wow, thank you so much for your time and sharing your thoughts and prayers.

Same goes to all the rest of you that are basically holding me up through this.

I have been trying to do the "take care of myself" but the sleep thing is starting to get to me. I cant fall asleep till I pass out exhausted, then the alarm wakes me from a coma.

I dont think its helping that I am about as sexually frustrated as I think I have ever been in my entire life. Even while deployed to Iraq for a year I at least had 0 temptation. It was horrible but I wasnt around anyone that stirred the pot.

WW stirs the pot. She just... IDK, she just does it for me. Except I taste bile in the back of my throat when I think of her like that because OM pops in with his f*ing little laugh I remember from work and I just wanna shoot / beat / maim something, but... still want her. It makes me sick.

STD test results should be back sometime this week... guess that will be interesting.

We are in session with Jennifer right now, she is talking to WW in living room. We had homework to do ENQ and do "I'd like it if..." statements of how we want top needs fulfilled.

I realized that, "I'd like it if (positive specific statement)" are a HUGE tool for WW and I. WW has pretty much always used negative statements to give me feedback. Not so much "you are stupid" though that does come out sometime, but more of a "dont do this." The problem happens because I will specifically avoid doing that, but the thing I do instead fails to accomplish what she wanted and she gets upset saying I dont listen to her. I have in the past tried to explain that when she tells me not to do something, that doesnt tell me ANYTHING about what she WANTS me to do and therefore how am I supposed to know?

In retrospect, I could ASK for clarification, but I thought avoiding what she asked me not do was mighty nice of me seeing as its doing exactly what she asked of me, and I would get really upset when she would belittle me for being dumb and not doing it the "right" way.

This happened again tonight, except now WW knows what positive specific statements are and gets it. It wasnt a fight really, but she asked me not to do something, so I avoided doing it, she got mad, and I said,

"If you want me to do something specific, tell me positively and specifically what you want me to do so I know exactly what you want. If you just tell me 1 thing you DONT want, then I have the WHOLE WORLD as options that you may or may not want, and I cannot read your mind."

"All right, fine..." silence.

So maybe we are learning.

She still seems kinda foggy. Comparing her thinking I might have cheated on her a year ago but never investigating or saying anything about it till now to me actually catching her in our house. Comparing the pain and suffering she went through for years to what I must be experiencing now.

My Taker is so pissed off. Jennifers "Why are you doing this" list has saved my life many times already. Shuts up the taker for just a few minutes so I can get my head on straight.

Work was awkward today. Of course I percieve a big ol' elephant in every room I am in since everyone knows already. Probably me because its basically the ONLY thing on my mind, but I made an off hand comment. We have an interesting workplace, many people unhappy, and we dont have much to do this week so lots of people bored and unhappy. I said, "Makes you wish like, your wife would cheat on you or something so you could have something to do." Seemed to really lighten the mood, few people said supportive things, one guy used to be a friend of OM but he told me his own W was mad at HIM because she assumed he must have known about the A, but OMW told her that he didnt so now he is back in from the dog house.

I dont know if I should have said anything, but it seemed to make things a lot more light and less oppressive and people could just talk, say a thing about it or something, acknowledge it, and then we could move on to other stuff.

Did I mess that up?

Should I share that with WW? I want to. I take PORH very seriously and want to really commit to it with her.

Speaking of, apparently she doesnt like holding my hand while driving. Apparently never has. Apparently hadnt mentioned that for the last 5 years.

So I have to ask about that...

I like to touch. A lot. Kiss, hold hands, physical contact, cuddle, touch, basically, if we arent doing something that precludes it, I would rather touch...

Ok, nevermind... asked Jennifer about that one, its part of SF. I guess Affection is non-sexual, and my touching is most definately intimate, only done with W kind of stuff, so its part of SF. Cool, so not another EN.

Wife said something about "I dont have to do your need till you do mine, thats what HNHN says."

I said she should keep reading. She is about 1 page into chapter 2 right now...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2386748 06/07/10 09:07 PM
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Uh, she is CLEARLY feeling super entitled right now.

She doesn't have to do anything til you do it first? Yeah....right.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
BTinTrouble #2386752 06/07/10 09:24 PM
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Quote
Be careful, I found out that they went to a national hotel chain for SF, see them everywhere!!


Im in the same boat MEME. At least mine is La Quinta and I never stayed in them. I dont wanna know any others. I love the hampton inns and im pretty sure she used my points one time(Pretty cold blooded if you ask me) to meet up with him for their sewer romps. I dont want those to be tainted so i just dont ask.

Quote
Sorry. But it is MINE. I will NOT let OM take it from me. I wasnt even trying to neccesarily do anything to him other than expose the affair to get them to stop.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. He knew what he was doing when he started this. They probably had a discussion about what the consequences would be.

I know my WW and her OM talked about how much trouble he could get in if he got caught. He is in the military. i bet it was a turn on for them, the danger. i have no sympathy for any negative actions he gets from this.

Quote
He lost his job and his friends, his wife has his money, his house, his kids, and I have my wife and house and kids.

He is a POSOM and this has wrecked his life. In the business he and I are in, its a small world. Everyone knows everyone. He will not be getting a job in this business anytime soon.
From his reaction it wasnt the first time he did this. he really sounds like a serial cheater. The important thing is keeping him out of the picture.

Quote
WW stirs the pot. She just... IDK, she just does it for me. Except I taste bile in the back of my throat when I think of her like that because OM pops in with his f*ing little laugh I remember from work and I just wanna shoot / beat / maim something, but... still want her. It makes me sick.


I never heard details from mine. I just KNEW they were together. So I can only imagine how horrible it is for you to have heard it. Till I confronted the OM I hadnt spoke to him in 15 years probably. We were never friends. I just know the evil he brought into my M and into my family.

For the last year I took care of my own sexual needs. We had SF maybe 2 or 3 times at most. She would get me to buy her something and then offer SF as a reward. It was total pity SF in retrospect and I knew it even then.

Since D-Day I only have took care of myself once in a moment of weakness. I know what its like to be sickened by the site of her and yet still want her. My WW has gorgeous hair and a wonderful rack. Every dress she wears just turns me on unbelievably.

I dont ever want to have pity SF again. I want her totally there if we ever do that again. I know if we did mess around it would just be out of guilt and pity. She would turn over right afterwards and not cuddle, kiss or anything that I need.

No thanks. Ill pass.

Over time as she starts meeting your needs again the good times will start overwritting the bad ones. MB will create romance in your relationship and your sacrifices now will be rewarded.

Quote
Jennifers "Why are you doing this" list has saved my life many times already.


What is that? Steve hasnt had me write one of those but i probably should look into it.

Quote
Work was awkward today. Of course I percieve a big ol' elephant in every room I am in since everyone knows already.
Then jsut talk about it with them. Everyone I work with is former military and very harse but i have recieved nothing but support from my friends. They saw the entire thing unfold so its like a personnel cheer section for me.

Quote
I said, "Makes you wish like, your wife would cheat on you or something so you could have something to do."


Im in a 2 year long class. We have to take regular tests. One of the guys were joking that their wifes only SF them if they get 100s.

My joke was, "maybe thats why my WW was sleeping with the OM. Hes just a better student!"

Then i realized that it was the 1 month anniversary of D-Day and I got depressed. Was still the first and only joke I made about it.

Quote
Wife said something about "I dont have to do your need till you do mine, thats what HNHN says."

I said she should keep reading. She is about 1 page into chapter 2 right now...


Read "the Love dare". Its a christian book that focuses on establishing unconditional love. I find that it has great ideas to re-establish a connection with my wife and strengthen my relationship with God. It talks about unconditional love alot. Someone has to blink first and meet needs. Since the penalty for acting first is a great M that focuses on meeting needs it might as well be me. It keeps me giving and keeps my taker beat down enough.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
karmasrose #2386760 06/07/10 09:50 PM
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BT,

She is on chapter 3. Page 44 of the 21st printing says in the second paragraph:
Originally Posted by Dr H/HNHN
Since I begin this book with the wife's need for affection, I recommend that if your need for sex is not being fulfilled, take the initiative by learning to meet your wife's need for affection first.
Of course this only means what she thinks it does if she ignores the previous paragraph:
Originally Posted by Dr H/HNHN
I made my reputation as a marriage counselor convincing wives that if they met their husbands' sexual need, their husbands would be willing to meet their need for affection in return, and any other needs, for that matter.
The whole book hinges on the emboldened premise of the book itself as stated on the first page of chapter 1:
Originally Posted by Dr H/HNHN
...Become aware of each other's emotional needs and learn to meet them.

Marriage is a promise to meet each other's most important emotional needs and to only allow each other to meet specific ones of those needs.

So we know she is missing the point, but call her bluff. Meet her needs of affection and conversation. Bring it up again tomorrow.

Mark

markos #2386802 06/08/10 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by markos

Markos, they changed around the links last night. crazy It has been changed to this: http://richwith.com/mb/Previous%20Programs/05-28-10/MB_052810_C.mp3


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2386907 06/08/10 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Called radio show at 3pm EST on 28 May 2010. I was holding the lid on a total exposure till after that call in, to see what Dr. H. said.

I could move from this house, sell my furniture etc, but I dont want to.

ITS MINE DAMNIT!!

Sorry. But it is MINE. I will NOT let OM take it from me. I wasnt even trying to neccesarily do anything to him other than expose the affair to get them to stop.

He lost his job and his friends, his wife has his money, his house, his kids, and I have my wife and house and kids.

He is a POSOM and this has wrecked his life. In the business he and I are in, its a small world. Everyone knows everyone. He will not be getting a job in this business anytime soon.

I didnt even work for these things. I exposed. The rest happened. Now, after that, I will not let him have my house or anything else either.

Well that is AWESOME and I am glad you feel that way, some people would not be able to handle it, but you have done great up to now so if you think it is okay then GO FOR IT, reclaim the whole house again.

Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
JK, thank you so much for your post. I don tknow how you made it through 61 pages but wow, thank you so much for your time and sharing your thoughts and prayers.

Same goes to all the rest of you that are basically holding me up through this.

No problem, we have all been in your similar shoes at one time and we know the heart ache you are going through. Sometimes just an ear that you know that understands is enough to make you feel a little better.

Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
I have been trying to do the "take care of myself" but the sleep thing is starting to get to me. I cant fall asleep till I pass out exhausted, then the alarm wakes me from a coma.

Oh yeah I had a horrible time with sleeping and eating in the beginning especially. I am not going to lie though; I went to the doctor and got on anti-depressants and a nerve pill to help me sleep. Getting a good night�s sleep helps for sure.

Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
I dont think its helping that I am about as sexually frustrated as I think I have ever been in my entire life. Even while deployed to Iraq for a year I at least had 0 temptation. It was horrible but I wasnt around anyone that stirred the pot.

WW stirs the pot. She just... IDK, she just does it for me. Except I taste bile in the back of my throat when I think of her like that because OM pops in with his f*ing little laugh I remember from work and I just wanna shoot / beat / maim something, but... still want her. It makes me sick.

This too is normal, not easy but normal, it is amazing how much love and disgust you can have for a person all at the same time.

Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
STD test results should be back sometime this week... guess that will be interesting.

I hope all is well with this��..

Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
We are in session with Jennifer right now, she is talking to WW in living room. We had homework to do ENQ and do "I'd like it if..." statements of how we want top needs fulfilled.

I realized that, "I'd like it if (positive specific statement)" are a HUGE tool for WW and I. WW has pretty much always used negative statements to give me feedback. Not so much "you are stupid" though that does come out sometime, but more of a "dont do this." The problem happens because I will specifically avoid doing that, but the thing I do instead fails to accomplish what she wanted and she gets upset saying I dont listen to her. I have in the past tried to explain that when she tells me not to do something, that doesnt tell me ANYTHING about what she WANTS me to do and therefore how am I supposed to know?

In retrospect, I could ASK for clarification, but I thought avoiding what she asked me not do was mighty nice of me seeing as its doing exactly what she asked of me, and I would get really upset when she would belittle me for being dumb and not doing it the "right" way.

This happened again tonight, except now WW knows what positive specific statements are and gets it. It wasnt a fight really, but she asked me not to do something, so I avoided doing it, she got mad, and I said,

"If you want me to do something specific, tell me positively and specifically what you want me to do so I know exactly what you want. If you just tell me 1 thing you DONT want, then I have the WHOLE WORLD as options that you may or may not want, and I cannot read your mind."

"All right, fine..." silence.

So maybe we are learning.

I think this is something that ALL married couples need to learn, sometimes I know we women do not want to tell our h�s because we think if we tell him then he is only doing it because we told him to, but like you said, if we don�t tell you then how will you know HOW to do it.

And I agree with the positive versus negative feedback, it is much nicer to hear �I would prefer you do it like this�, than �You just can�t do it right�

Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
She still seems kinda foggy. Comparing her thinking I might have cheated on her a year ago but never investigating or saying anything about it till now to me actually catching her in our house. Comparing the pain and suffering she went through for years to what I must be experiencing now.

My Taker is so pissed off. Jennifers "Why are you doing this" list has saved my life many times already. Shuts up the taker for just a few minutes so I can get my head on straight.

This is justification and she will do this while she is foggy especially. Just try to remember that some day she hopefully will get it and understand what destruction she has caused to your life.

Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Work was awkward today. Of course I percieve a big ol' elephant in every room I am in since everyone knows already. Probably me because its basically the ONLY thing on my mind, but I made an off hand comment. We have an interesting workplace, many people unhappy, and we dont have much to do this week so lots of people bored and unhappy. I said, "Makes you wish like, your wife would cheat on you or something so you could have something to do." Seemed to really lighten the mood, few people said supportive things, one guy used to be a friend of OM but he told me his own W was mad at HIM because she assumed he must have known about the A, but OMW told her that he didnt so now he is back in from the dog house.

I dont know if I should have said anything, but it seemed to make things a lot more light and less oppressive and people could just talk, say a thing about it or something, acknowledge it, and then we could move on to other stuff.

Did I mess that up?

Should I share that with WW? I want to. I take PORH very seriously and want to really commit to it with her.

I think you made it easier for your co-workers, I am sure they did not know if they should say anything or not.

I am not sure if I would share it with your WW just yet anyway. She is probably still mad at you over exposure and if she thinks you are �making light� of it to your co-workers it may piss her off even more. Not that you are doing anything wrong, she was the one that brought it on herself, however for now I don�t think I would share that little tidbit of information unless she asks.

Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
Speaking of, apparently she doesnt like holding my hand while driving. Apparently never has. Apparently hadnt mentioned that for the last 5 years.

So I have to ask about that...

I like to touch. A lot. Kiss, hold hands, physical contact, cuddle, touch, basically, if we arent doing something that precludes it, I would rather touch...

Ok, nevermind... asked Jennifer about that one, its part of SF. I guess Affection is non-sexual, and my touching is most definately intimate, only done with W kind of stuff, so its part of SF. Cool, so not another EN.

Wife said something about "I dont have to do your need till you do mine, thats what HNHN says."

I said she should keep reading. She is about 1 page into chapter 2 right now...

She is definitely still foggy in her thinking, just give it some time and keep doing what you are doing��..

Mememe #2387002 06/08/10 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Mememe
Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
Knowledge is power though, the more you KNOW about things and are not WONDERING (usually our mental images are worse than what actually occured or was said) the better some of that gets.


Be careful, I found out that they went to a national hotel chain for SF, see them everywhere!!

Focus on the modus operandi, how did they pull it off? affair phones, secret e-mail accounts, etc. etc.

I don't know Me, i mean at least you know, how would you like to have been sleeping in that hotel chain without knowing.

It is what you chose to do with the KNOWLEDGE that is important. I know my FWH tooks his skanky FOW to a place that i like to eat, it was in a different part of town but still one of "our" date night places.

I have not given up going there, i do not want to go to the actual one he took her to, but i will not give her the satisfaction of me giving up one of my favorite places to eat, no way Nooo Nooo

Still_Crazy #2387146 06/08/10 04:03 PM
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From Peggy Vaughn:
Quote
When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn�t they be told what they want to know. They feel they�re being treated like a child, and they resent it. While it�s important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you �should� ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It�s just that it�s essential to get answers if you DO ask.

�Each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It�s important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, �not knowing� is worst of all � because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases. (Peggy Vaughan, from the article, �The Need to Know�

Mark1952 #2387186 06/08/10 05:27 PM
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Mark, that is EXACTLY IT!!

I dont know if I want all the answers to every detail, but I know that I need to KNOW that I would get the answers to ANY question I asked. That PORH is for real.

I am not sure I will ask all my questions I have written down.

To the person who asked last page:

Jennifer had me make a "Why am I trying to save my marriage?" List. On it are the things my Taker gets out of the marriage that I like a lot. The big point is to not put things like "For my family" or things like that. Those are Giver reasons. They are important, but they are not going to shut your Taker up when its 3am and you want to give up because you dont feel you should have to try anymore.

Your Taker is screaming at you to save yourself, screaming "WHY BOTHER?!?!"

This list is why you bother, and needs to have reasons that your Taker will accept and quiet down, at least enough to stop crying and pass out.

Things like "sex is awesome, domestic support" things your WS does for you that your Taker likes.

Hope that helps. I check mine a lot, occasionally add something to do it, but it helps to reread it and think, "Oh yeah, I DO remember when she would do that, and if we can get to the point where she does it again, that would be totally worth it."

Now, if it isnt worth it, then IDK what to tell you. Jennifer and I operated under the assumption that these reasons are enough to motivate me to save this. So far they have been.

Mark, thank you so much for the quotes.

I did call her on it, I just said "I guarentee it doesnt say that in any MB publication, that you dont have to meet my need until I meet yours. Keep reading, or show me where you found it."

I have been keeping going on her needs.

Jennifer, last night, had us inform our spouse of our I'd love it if... statements, basically, the guidebook to building love in our spouse. Our task for this week is to make our spouse fall in love with us. NOT worry about our own needs, but try to meet our spouses needs.

I have made an excel spreadsheet calender printed off for the next 2 months, with a check box for every bullet item she gave me, and have been checking them off as I do them. I am at 75% for today on daily stuff, with a few things planned for tonight.

At our next session Jennifer is going to go over Feedback Loops with us, to teach us how to tweak the way our spouse meets our needs in a respectful manner. I am excited for that.

For now, I am focusing on doing the things she has asked me to do fulfill her needs. None of them is really hard or something I wouldnt want to do so I feel ok with it.

On this forum I will say she is struggling to hit 1/3rd of my bullet points. That is a guess, because I am not really keeping track, but considering SF and related stuff made up a huge chunk of my statements, its kinda stacked against her I guess...

Anyway, we are doing the big questions tonight. We got 1/2 hr for me to ask about everything. Then we go see Shrek 3 and then done.

I hope this goes well. I am very nervous about it.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2387193 06/08/10 05:48 PM
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Jennifer, last night, had us inform our spouse of our I'd love it if... statements, basically, the guidebook to building love in our spouse. Our task for this week is to make our spouse fall in love with us. NOT worry about our own needs, but try to meet our spouses needs.
How interesting and right after the incident last night with the book...

Jennifer, are you reading here to see what's REALLY going on?

Still_Crazy #2387208 06/08/10 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
Originally Posted by Mememe
Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
Knowledge is power though, the more you KNOW about things and are not WONDERING (usually our mental images are worse than what actually occured or was said) the better some of that gets.


Be careful, I found out that they went to a national hotel chain for SF, see them everywhere!!

Focus on the modus operandi, how did they pull it off? affair phones, secret e-mail accounts, etc. etc.

I don't know Me, i mean at least you know, how would you like to have been sleeping in that hotel chain without knowing.

It is what you chose to do with the KNOWLEDGE that is important. I know my FWH tooks his skanky FOW to a place that i like to eat, it was in a different part of town but still one of "our" date night places.

I have not given up going there, i do not want to go to the actual one he took her to, but i will not give her the satisfaction of me giving up one of my favorite places to eat, no way Nooo Nooo

Applebee's is out for us. It's not anything we've talked about, but FWH steers us away from it. It makes him sick to think about it. There's a little Italian eatery not too far from us that we need to reclaim, but I am just not driven enough to do it yet.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

BTinTrouble #2387214 06/08/10 06:24 PM
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Jennifer, are you reading here to see what's REALLY going on?

I can tell you Steve asked for my login ID when I had my appointment. I hope I dont get a bill for a session from him looking here.

He had nothing but good things to say about the forums though. He thinks its a wonderful community.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
YEG #2387231 06/08/10 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by YEG
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Jennifer, are you reading here to see what's REALLY going on?

I can tell you Steve asked for my login ID when I had my appointment. I hope I dont get a bill for a session from him looking here.

He had nothing but good things to say about the forums though. He thinks its a wonderful community.

Steve used to be administer of the forum, even to the point of doing some programming. (I chatted with him about that at the MB weekend.) I don't think he reads actively now. He also asked for my forum ID my first time, but I don't think he's read any of my posts.

Dr. Harley posts actively on the weekend forum.

For anyone interested in reading posts:
Steve Harley: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showprofile&User=2
Dr. Harley: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showprofile&User=7840

Should anyone ever see a post from Jennifer or Joyce, I would greatly appreciate a link.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2387612 06/09/10 02:02 PM
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I dont know. I gave my forum name to Elle when I made the appointment. She didnt indicate if Jennifer would use that or not.

Book incident? I am sure I remember what you are referring to, but I am not associating anything with book incident. Or is that the "book says I dont have to meet your needs till you meet mine" one?

That happened right after the phone call with Jennifer was over. I will mention it on Monday to her, but I am sure by then WW will be past that chapter. Its wierd because Jennifer said no LBs, and lecturing and educating is a DJ. I instruct for a living. Its my job. I know I dont know everything, but the things I DO know I know how to teach, to check for comprehension and establish neural schema's in an efficient manner and then re-enforce them via supervised drills and practical application.

But... its a DJ in a relationship, me assuming I know more.

So I have had to watch very carefully my lecturing.

I have been doing ok with it, waiting for WW to ask me my opinion or thought, and then offering it concisely and stopping when she indicates she understands.

Very new behavior for me, but good stuff. Always growing. So I still "lecture" or teach her MB stuff, but I do it when she asks. I guess its working because she asks more now that she seems to be comfortable with and trust that I wont treat her like a wayward 4 yr old that needs a stern talking to...

Hmmm...

got all my questions answered. It sucked. Shrek 3 wasnt bad, and served its purpose of allowing us to smile and laugh a bit together and overcome some of the bad feelings of the interrogation. I have the notes transcribed into electronic copy verbatim from my short hand, then a fully fleshed out one from memory / notes in the form of a staement. Now its all documented. I can hide the stuff and never drag it out unless OMW supoena's us for testimony at their divorce.

It sucked, but its quite liberating. It was MUCH worse listening to the audio the first time. I thought hearing all the details would have been worse..


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2387620 06/09/10 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
got all my questions answered. It sucked. Shrek 3 wasnt bad, and served its purpose of allowing us to smile and laugh a bit together and overcome some of the bad feelings of the interrogation. I have the notes transcribed into electronic copy verbatim from my short hand, then a fully fleshed out one from memory / notes in the form of a staement. Now its all documented. I can hide the stuff and never drag it out unless OMW supoena's us for testimony at their divorce.

It sucked, but its quite liberating. It was MUCH worse listening to the audio the first time. I thought hearing all the details would have been worse..

I am glad. It usually is the case that are imaginations are much worse than what really happened, but i am sure the audio was a killer........

BT you are doing such a great job, i am so glad that you to moved your thread over here and that you snooped and exposed........


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