Lisa --
I'm not sure why you think it was a disaster...??
I also think you did great!

You cannot measure your Plan A efforts by HIS REACTIONS. Even a negative reaction by him does NOT mean that your Plan A was ineffective! Maybe you are causing conflict in him, which is why he is getting snarly with you.

But in reality -- he was being reassuring. And he took the time to teach you. Those actions of his are GREAT!

Remember Plan A is about YOU. You are doing these things to SHOW him that you can and will meet his emotional needs. You are showing him the best side of YOU. It does not matter how he reacts to it!

We are going to analyze his Top 5 needs. Every day you are going to do something to meet those needs.
Did I admire him today? check.
Did I look good today? check.
etc.

It does not matter how HE REACTS to it. His reactions are not reliable, because he is in a foggy wayward state of mind.

Thanks I am just trying really hard to stay within the plan! I am happy you think it was ok!

So domestic support and SF are in his top 5 ....... I will read about those things!

I am soo proud of you we ALL are proud of you! You came a LONG way to reach this far and it was only a WEEK!

YOU, my lady is ON TRACK!

Lisa --

Everyones top 5 are different. But TYPICALLY for men sex and domestic are usually in the top.

Thats why we want you to review what all of the EN's are -- and put them in the context of your marriage.

Unfortunately you're going to have to make some guesses on what his are. You can't ask him right now, because his responses will be screwed up by his wayward thinking. He doesn't want you to succeed in meeting his needs, because he thinks OW meets them and he has one foot out of the marriage.

So read and learn! Then we will help you APPLY!

OK I will study them tonight! And try to make my guesses based on what I have been told by him and what I beleve they are...

I know PA is the top because of what he told me but as for SF I dont know because he usually didnt want to have sex

What Lexxy said. I agree that he's definitely conflicted, and there's some guilt in the mix. The fact that he texted you about your arm shows that. He didn't need to tell you to put medicine on it, but he made the effort to do that.
Of course, right now he's foggy so the text was probably to relieve some of his guilt. And that's good! He's conflicted.

MEMORIZE this post, Lisa. Lexxy is exactly right that measuring your plan A by his reactions will HURT you and mean you can't last as long. Sweetie every time he gets angry over your plan A stuff it means you are reaching through his fog. Facing how wrong he is makes him angry. That is GOOD.

Personally I think you did great yesterday. You showed your vulnerability without LB's, AO's and DJ's. Bravo!!!

FWIW, Lisa I too think you did EXCELLENT. And as far as his reactions to your Plan A, listen to these fine folks. This was a hard thing for me to wrap around my head too. When you think of it as a person who is extremely conflicted and doesn't WANT to feel anything for you, it makes a bit more sense. Hang tough. You are doing well. It really doesn't matter what he thinks now anyways. Even DrH says that Plan A only works 15% of the time on it's own. It's the time during Plan B that the effectiveness of Plan A begins to make it's impact.

Lisa,

I am on board with the "You did great" part as well.

One thing to keep in mind about ENs is that the thing that is most lacking or has been most lacking for a while is what matters most to us. For a B this often translates into H&O since we find out that much of our recent history we have been lied to.

The way this works is like this:

I you are out in a blizzard without enough warm clothes to keep yourself warm, you begin to get cold and before long all you can think of is getting your need for warmth met. If someone offers to let you come inside and warm up by a nice fire, before long you aren't so cold but when they offer you a drink you realize that you are actually thirsty as well. Once your thirst is satisfied then you begin to feel that your primary need is to eat something since you are also quite hungry, having out off the need for food in order to find a way to get warm, since that was your most pressing need.

As a guess, DS falls into this classification for men whose wives have an affair more than for men who are having an affair. Often a wayward wife will stop doing much of anything for her husband and sometimes even her children. The house gets cluttered, dinner is never done when he gets home and laundry begins to pile up, especially his laundry since she has pretty much checked out of being married to him. A man in this case, especially one attempting to step up for the kids and learn to be more self sustaining will often begin to tackle some of those duties himself. If he really hates doing those things and it is one of his top 5 or 6 needs, he begins to crave the thing he is most lacking from her. Men don't typically fall in love with someone because she keeps a tidy house and cooks a mean meatloaf.

For most men, I think SF, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Recreational Companionship and Domestic Support will end up being pretty important under a "normal" set of conditions. I also think that for most men, the thing that is most lacking at any given moment is the most important thing at that moment.

But also keep in mind that the four Intimate Emotional Needs, SF, Recreational Companionship, Affection and Conversation are the very things that create intimacy in a relationship. So assuming that SF and RC are in his top five, these at least should be chosen to target if for no other reasons than they are guaranteed ways to make Love Bank deposits.

Most often, it is one of the other ENs that gets met by an affair partner, at least to begin with. Small but consistent LB$ deposits are made until the romantic threshold is approached and then a reciprocal understanding is reached to meet each others other ENs as well.

Now SF can be met in ways other than by having wild sex, but if OW was or is meeting this EN, even just by flirting and innuendo, then whatever his next most important need that is lacking is what he will be looking to you to meet most of all. If he really is in a hard no contact with her then this too should be open to meeting for him.

On the Physical Attractiveness scale, a man will sometimes be highly attracted to a woman that is less attractive than his wife. (See Tiger Woods and Jesse James stories for evidence) But PA is much more than weight. It can be heavily addressed by a woman making the most of her appearance even though she might have put on a few pounds since the wedding. But also look at what flirting and flirtatious actions mean in regard to SF. Sexiness is as much a state of mind and an attitude as it is purely looks or size or shape. Knowing what buttons to push to get a reaction can mean more than being a super model to most men.

Just before the start of her affair, my wife got in to the best shape of her life. She looked better than at any time in her life as far as physical appearance and fitness. I would sometimes lag behind her when we went out just to watch men walking into light poles and walls trying to get a better and longer look at her.

In the year of the affair and in each of the four years since, she has put on weight and no longer wears the really sexy clothes, even for me, but every once in a while, she can look so good to me that I'll scrap long made plans just to be with her. Her attitude has more to do with this than her actual look, but it cannot be discounted in the big picture of things.

I can also tell you without any doubt that when we've just had a great day together of recreational activities that I enjoyed a lot, marked by good conversation and little signs of affection and flirting along the way, when I hold her in my arms, I see a smiling not quite 18 year old that I fell in love with 37 years ago.

Now if she mopes around the house, complaining about how much work the place needs and how I work too many hours or how she doesn't feel like cleaning the kitchen again today and flops into her chair in sweatpants and ratty old tee shirt, I pretty much figure out something else to do for the day if I can come up with something.

There are a LOT of ways of being attractive to him, more than any OW could have discovered in a short period of time. You have an advantage she never had. He married you because he was attracted to you and fell in love with you once. Become that girl again and push every button you know.

Keep affection light, sudden, without warning and just enough to bring his focus onto you. Touch his arm as you talk or as you pass him while he is playing with the kids. Let him see you looking at him and then SMILE as big as you can manage. Brush against him only briefly and be sure he gets a whiff of your perfume (make it his favorite scent) often, especially just before he parts from you. Develop a strategy that will place you in his mind and keep thoughts of you present after you part. Build a plan around trying to win his mind and his heart will follow.

Mark

Furthermore, his reactions won't catch up to your actions for awhile. Re-read the Love Bank model: you have to catch up to the romantic love threshold in your account in his Love Bank before changes start to get really big and notable.

I found this Rocks in a River post that somebody shared with me really helpful in understanding:


Here's where it was shared with me:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2367794#Post2367794

good job,
I don't think it was a disaster it was life, stuff happens.....
Don't feel bad about asking for hugs, if you need them to feel better, I did this, I told my husband that it was his job to get me through this emotional time that he had caused for me.....
He didn't really hug me back at first and slowly he changed, I think he also felt the comfort from the hug and it was okay to help each other out with that little calming jesture....
Over time the connection started to happen, I used to touch his hand, brush against his arm, touch him on the shoulder when I walked by......very minimal but very effective. It took a few months while he was supposedly looking for a house to move on with his life with his new love....
Slowly he started to see things differently.....started to see what he was giving up.
He could see that with a little work, we could get back to where we used to be.
I think he knew what he had with me was way more than what he thought he was going to have with his OW....
Make your husband think about you and what you two could have, let him remember the little touches, the smiles, you laughing.....let him compare......Tell him you want him to be happy because you love him even if that means without you in his life.
I also told my husband once he left me for her that I no longer wanted any kind of relationship with him I told him I had enough friends.
He knew that I would be out of his life for good and when he actually thought of that being a reality he didn't like it....
I think he was mad because parts of his life are probably falling apart, maybe the OW, just be the soft place for him to be and fall.....
Show him you would always stand behind him because you believe in him and your marriage....

Thanks that is great advice!

I came home from the gym to find him here waiting... I came in happy and laughing from my workout! I was like oh crap I look a mess but started chatting with my daughter about how hard my work out was and such.... He seemed in a good mood...

So I asked him about his day and he said it was fine.... so I launched into a happy description of all the things I am in charge if at my job and how busy my day went...

We then started discussing the vacation..... I had a small hiccup.... He suggested we do only the major parts of the trip together.... that we should do individual local things .... i looked at him and was like oh ok If you dont want me to go I can find something to do... He sighed ans said look I meant we do 5 days together and u have 1 day and i the other .....

I then asked him to fix the icemaker again.... We did it together and I said i appreciate this you know and he was like its nothing....

I was oh ok I was upbeat and said fine I can take the kids to the pool or something on sunday!

We then discussed where we wanted to go.... very causal.... I mentioned that I took the bike to get fixed as we had texted about it during the day... and that the mechanic was the cousin of his BF....

He then talked to me about it on his way out the door.... he then received a text from his BF confirming what I had told him.... I said ok bye have a good night.... He then backed up to talk to me about our satellite and how he fixed it.... I said thanks.... and bye I was happy and upbeat the whole time!

BTW he was in my facebook again!

Bravo lisa!!!! You're a Plan A diva!!!!

Remember it doesn't matter what he says or does, just follow the plan. Really good job.

Who are you and what did you do with Lisa?

It's working, Lisa, be patient and always look good, smell good and be happy....he will notice, he will start to be confused about who he wants and he will eventually see you as his choice.....
The mistake my husband's OW made was to UNDERESTIMATE ME and the power I have in this situation......do they think we are just going to stand by and watch them take our lives.....
Take back your power, outwit, outsmart ........
keep us posted

LOL at Mark.....your doin great lisa!!!!!!

This is starting to sound like survivor Outwit, Outlast, Outplay.

Who would've thunk we could relate reality TV in our lives. Definitely keep fighting Lisa, this sounds like an amazing opportunity for you.

I know I feel great!

I know he might not come back but you know I know what I am worth and what I will not accept! I deserve to be treated with respect, love, dignity....

I did forget to mention that he told me he wasnt going to get the kids on friday because he might be going to Alantic city but that he thought it would be ok because he is going on vacation shortly!
I told him thats fine you go and enjoy yourself you need some time for yourself to destress.... I then asked casually who he was going with and he told me a guy from work but I dont know if I will go.... I looked at him smiling and was like go ahead take some time to do something for yourself!

So he sends me a text message asking me why I only slept 3 hrs the other night?..... I was smiling because i know he been in my facebook.....

I told him because the pills havent been working .... He goes oh i thought they were.... I said not really but I am doing good!

I am very amused right now..... I know he is like what the heck!

I guess he thought I was this calm and happy because of the meds!

LOL It is part of it but also I decided not to dwell to much on the right now! I have a long term goal ahead of me!

Thats exactly what it is Outwit, Outlast and outplay the OW you cant just laydown and wait for your marriage to die....

Atta Girl Lisa!!!

I'm so PROUD of you! You have turned into a Plan A GODDESS!

Ok -- did you do your homework last night?
Did you review the emotional needs? Do we have a refined list of his Top 5?

We know physical attractiveness is one for sure.
And your weight loss and training is helping that for sure.
You've done a good job of looking cute each time he comes around.
This one will be fun to work on, because it will make YOU feel good at the same time! Do you have the funds for some new wardrobe items? Especially lingerie. Buy some bra/panties in bright colors - and let him get a glimpse of them, either by leaving them out, or the strap showing, or mentioning them.

Get your mani-pedi's on a regular basis.
How does he prefer your hair?