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Joined: Jun 2008
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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
My bet is dollar to dounts that this guy is/has been wayward himself.
I would wager your right!


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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AheadOfTheCurve,

Honestly, I think I tried to hard to be a good wife. I tried to support him in whatever he wanted to do, and it got to the point that I finally got upset when he and this other women were going out to fancy lunches. She took him to the most highly rated romantic restaurant in town to celebrate the birth of our fourth child. When that child was colicky, the rest is history.

There needs to be reciprocity in marriage. If there isn't, I think separation is in order. The best decision I made was to boot him out.

I was taught, too well, that my job was to look out for my husband's needs, and his role was to look out for mine and the better I look out for his, the better he'd look out for mine.

It's not true. It's betrayed spouse fog talk. That's why your post caught my eye.

Cherished

Last edited by Cherished; 06/09/10 07:04 PM.
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Luri,

This post was awesome!!!!! You are truly a warrior in the marriage world. It matters not to me how you became so.......
I ESPECIALLY loved this......
Originally Posted by lurioosi2
If you're reading this as a BS, yes, you are a victim. But because you are reading it here you are an EMPOWERED victim.

If I walk away from this trial learning only one important thing, it was that. I loved becoming empowered. I had lost that. Here, I re-learned it. And that, was the most powerful thing of all........

hug

Not2fun

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Great thread!! Just wanted to add my 2c worth...

It is ASBOLUTELY NOT the BS's fault the affair happened. That comes from weak boundaries and not protecting your marriage. However, what person could have a truly happy, healthy marriage where they were completely fulfilled and STILL want to walk away from it? That would take either a serial cheater or a true narciccist. I will be the first to admit - prior to this A, I was a crap spouse. I didn't meet WH's needs, and didn't listen when he tried to tell me about it. I just went about my own business and figured he "should understand" my actions.

So, while the BS should never be blamed (after all, there are many ways out of an unhappy marriage other than an A), we do need to take some accountability for the marriage falling apart. I think.

When I said to SH the other day that WH seemed to have the attitude of "I"ll just sit back and let you do the work, because you have all the problems, " he laughed and said I DID have problems, but that's what this program is about, fixing them!

Last edited by NewPetals; 06/09/10 02:17 PM.

Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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As a FWH in an EA with a co-worker, I would have to say that the EA was just simply the most selfish way to get what I (Mr. non-confrontational) wanted / needed. I knew it should have stopped, but it felt too good. I was not willing to do the hard work (and much more rewarding) of reflecting on our marriage and repairing it. It does take two to repair it, but I didn't even give that a good try. I let my boundaries flex, and it cost me dearly.

Dday occurred and I suffered a coward's reward by having it revealed to my BS by 'chance'(God). Thank HIM that it was, and I now have a chance to build a foundation with her that will last. We both needed to change, and we both have recognized it. But it was not me telling her. I now had no right to tell her anything. All I could do was love her. She came to her own conclusions. Now we grow together.

Almost 4 months now since Dday, and I never want to go back to our pre-Dday marriage.

But man, some days it is still very hard for us both.

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Restartmyheart, did you leave that job? Have you ended all contact with your OW?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is the BARE MINIMUM a WS needs to do:

Confess with NO "explanation" or "justification"
Answer all questions in he above manner
Complete NC for life, even if it means moving, changing jobs, quitting a job, whatever
Get rid of ALL affair memorabilia
Repent - that means be sorry enough to QUIT and to make amends
Expose
Give unlimited access to all email, cell phone, credit card records, and install a keylogger on your computer
No opposite sex friends on fb for at least two years and then only relatives or those your spouse has agreed on
No private working conditions with opposite sex
Some sort of MB friendly counseling
Read Surviving an Affair and Fall In Love, Stay In Love
BE PATIENT, NO DEFENSIVENESS, and only an idiot would ask anything remotely close to "Aren't you over it yet?"
Humility is not optional
Thank God for every moment your BS stays....because they could have walked out the door and never looked back

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As a WS with quite the "jerry springer" type story, I must say, while I know in my head that my husband is sick, and it wasnt my fault, I still cant get passed the low self esteem because of what he did. Not only with women but men too. I still have feelings like "was I so awful, he really had to go to men?) But then I remember, I was a damn good wife, I truely lived my life for him and the kids. Everything I did was based on if it would make him happy or piss him off, so when I think of how I lived my life strictly for him, and how good he really had it, I get sooo soo angry, and then stop blaming myself. I am only 4 months frm dday so Im sure it will take a lot longer for me to deal with all this. I am sure glad I am here to read such good posts, and get such wonderful advice, just when I get lost in my racing thoughts, then I read posts like this and it puts my feet on the ground for a few minutes to try to get my head on straight. Thanks guys:)


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 36
DD: 7
DS: 1yr. M: 12yrs
DDay: Feb 10 2010
**Always speak your mind.....even if your voice shakes**
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navewife, the only choices in life you ever have to apologize for are any choices YOU make. My marriage wasn't perfect, but DH is a GOOD MAN who did not deserve what I did. And you know what? Even if he wasn't a good man....I was still 100% wrong to cheat.

For some reason, a lot of WS's seem to want to rush their BS's into recovery (I use WS because if you are pushing your spouse to be okay, I am not sure the F is there yet). My DH forgave and healed, but he did it at the pace he COULD. He knew if he rushed it and tried to stuff down his hurt just so he could get over it or get "back to normal," it would never really be resolved.

Two people could have the same injury or disease, and because they are different, they will heal at different rates. So again, the FWS's job (one of many) is to be patient and lose the sense of "recovery entitlement." I keep saying this because there seems to be a "when will he/she get over it, how long do I have to do this" attitude coming through on some of the threads. How long? As long as your BS needs you to. Period.

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Yes, I know what you mean. I have learned the hard way that I cant push my feelings aside just to find some sense of normal. I have come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER be normal or completely happy ever again. I am just trying to find a way to deal with that fact. I am just going to be myself from now on and if WH doesnt like it, I have told him to get out immediately, and not string me along. I mean what I say when I say if it happens again, its over. I cant do this again, that is for sure. He is doing his part,(at least what I see anyway) so I try to keep it together for now to see how long he will be this way. I hope and pray its for good. Thanks for your perspective, it does help, especially seeing a WS being so diligent in confessing that no matter what, its wrong. Thanks


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 36
DD: 7
DS: 1yr. M: 12yrs
DDay: Feb 10 2010
**Always speak your mind.....even if your voice shakes**
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