Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail Denali at MBDenali@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Eric...I am actually working on linking to the relevent threads (there were many over the 4 years). So, I am working on a cliff note version (with an update)...and then having a thread that links back to the relvent threads from the past. One I can put in my signature at the bottom. But that will take a little time! I should be able to get the cliff note version up shortly though.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 546
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 546
 Originally Posted By: Mortarman
 Originally Posted By: rustyshackelford
The Imago therapy is dealing with issues from the present and the issues from the present drag up parts of the past in childhood automatically. It is kinda weird, she will be talking about something she is feeling and it makes her feel like it did when this or that happened. Then I should be helping her to release it. It's kinda weird but makes some sense at the same time. Not too much stuff from the past, just how the present issues drag those old memories up and the old memories need to be done away with. Am I making any sense? lol


You are.

Another question...is your wife saved?


I would have said yes before the A. She was baptised in February and was really getting into our church but then this. She seems to have turned from him lately.


BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 383
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 383
 Originally Posted By: Mortarman
Eric...I am actually working on linking to the relevent threads (there were many over the 4 years). So, I am working on a cliff note version (with an update)...and then having a thread that links back to the relvent threads from the past. One I can put in my signature at the bottom. But that will take a little time! I should be able to get the cliff note version up shortly though.


MM,

Thanks, I look forward to reading your story. I am sure it will be inspiring.

E


I am a 32 yr old betrayed husband.
My wayward wife is 31.
Married 3.5 years.
Found out about affair when it started around 10/1/08.
Affair started as emotional via internet, then went physical.
Wife moved out on 12/27/08.
I filed for legal separation to get visitation with my son--wife countered with big D but now says she is in no hurry to finalize the D??
Currently in Plan A.
3 yr-old son.
7 yr-old step son.
11 yr-old step daughter.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498
Not done, but excellent thread!


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 90
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 90
Ok...I started yesterday reading this thread....sorry Mortarman...I think I'm going to have a lot of questions and here's the first one..(I hope it's not a stupid one)...you wrote this;

 Quote:
So, we have a passive man not taking his leadership role and defending his wife.


Do you think God made Adam passive?

 Quote:
We have a wife that instead of forcing him to take the leadership role, decides to take charge herself.


We can't FORCE our husbands to take the leadership role...I know, I tried to do this for years....it doesn't work.

So, what are we supposed to do with a H that doesn't want to take the leadership in a "normal" marriage let alone in one that is dealing with the hurt and devastation of infidelity?

More to come....LOL

Thank you...

Angie

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
 Originally Posted By: angie1718
Ok...I started yesterday reading this thread....sorry Mortarman...I think I'm going to have a lot of questions and here's the first one..(I hope it's not a stupid one)...you wrote this;

 Quote:
So, we have a passive man not taking his leadership role and defending his wife.


Do you think God made Adam passive?


No. Adam chose to be passive. He knew what was right. he knew what the snake was saying was wrong. But he chose to be quiet and let his wife handle it.

 Quote:
 Quote:
We have a wife that instead of forcing him to take the leadership role, decides to take charge herself.


We can't FORCE our husbands to take the leadership role...I know, I tried to do this for years....it doesn't work.

So, what are we supposed to do with a H that doesn't want to take the leadership in a "normal" marriage let alone in one that is dealing with the hurt and devastation of infidelity?


Well, you can "force" them to take the leadership role by not taking it on yourself. I think I outlined it in that section also. Eve should have put it right back on Adam. Made him make the decision to eat from the tree. And if he doesnt make a decision? well, than neither does she!

You will see as you read on that while your husband is your head, he has his own head...and that is Jesus. If you do what you are supposed to do, and not do what he is supposed to do, God will see that and he will take care of your husband.

But that will take faith!


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
Hi Mortaman,

I am struggling day by day as a BS and my thread details all of the messy bits with my WH.

We are separated, he has discontinued contact with the OW (EA for 3 months) and only sees her rarely in a professional sense only.

Occasionally he wants to be with me, then he decides that I am not the woman he once knew and gets scared.

He sent me this text message last weekend after spending the day with the kids/me:-

"2M2L, I feel so upset, so annoyed and so empty after being with you. I'm ashamed of myself for thinjgs that I have done but I don't know you anymore. Even now after everything you continue to lie and twist the truth to cover up the daming things you've done. I can't be manipulated by you anymore. I can't move on from what you've done. I can't forgive you. I can't even write a text message without bashing my phone. I'm sorry but you cheating would have been easier for me to move on from. I hold you responsbile for us being in the situation we are in right now, not me. We were repairable until you... I wish I could say that I don't hate you but the truth is I really think that hate is the only emotion that I have left for you. I'm not sorry and the ball is in your court."

He believes that it was a best friend therefore not an affair.

He believes that I over-reacted and exposure to his boss, one colleague, a brother, his mother and the OW and her parents was way over the top and ruined us and his trust etc.

He knows I accessed at least 2 of his phone bills (confirmation of 300+ calls to her in a month after the bill hit $1,000 instead of $100).

He thinks I had him followed.

So, he thinks I have destroyed us. He had a PA 2 years after we married and has been verbally abusive in our marriage.

I didn't know about the abuse until I started posting here on MB and received the kind views of outsiders!

I still want to save my marriage. We have 2 very young children and I do love my H.

I became the head of the house - main wage earner, great job, he stayed home with kids, wrote music - not really successful as an independent artist but great with live gigs, I managed finances, he paid bills and cleaned the house and I did the washing.

It is all messed up and he stopped going to church after his first affair.

How can I get this on track bibically? Is there a way to still save this marriage? I read with interest your "Surrendering to your husband" thread and I want to take it all on. I need him to see my softness again instead of my razor tounge.

Any tips would be appreciated!

Thank you


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
2much,

Sorry to hear you are in this mess! But et me first say this...

If he objects to you exposing his affair, dont worry about it! Exposing is NOT hurting your marriage...the affair did. If he is upset because you gained intel on his secretive lifestyle, it is NOT hurting your marriage...the secrets have been.

Now, onto your sitch. I dont know your whole situation, but let me comment on what you have said here. You outlined all of the things he does and you do. As I outlined in the text in this thread, if you took out a piece of paper and wrote down how you serve your husband on one side of the paper, and then how he serves you...whose list would be longer? If your list is longer, then YOU are the husband and he is the wife!

And guess what? Deep down, neither of you are built that way, so being stuck in those roles makes both of you unhappy!

Your husband needs to be the man of the house. He needs that! You also need him to be the man of the house. So, what do you do?

First off...stop being the man! I am not saying that he doesnt do dishes or you dont go to work. I am saying that he is to serve you...and you are to submit to his headship (as long as it is in line with God's will). So, if something doesnt get done because he isnt doing what he is supposed to do...dont you walk in and do it for him!

So, please read on how to do this above. As I said there, what you want to do is to do your part as the wife, and then duck so God can take a 2x4 upsied his head! But that is going to take faith and trust in God.

Second thing I would do is to talk to him. Dont really defend yourself. It wouldnt matter anyway. But just have him open up and listen. Tell him your sorry he feels that way. Tell him you are sorry for taking on his roles. Listen to what he says during all of this, because in between the pain is the truth of what is going on inside him. And knowing what the REAL issues are will help both of you move forward.

Again, it is a rather simple process, but not at all easy. It isnt easy to let things fall by the wayside because he wouldnt take care of them and you have stopped doing them for him.

I hope this helps in some way. But dont try to over analyze the situation. It is very simple!


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
Thanks Mortaman for your thoughts on my situation.

I had been thinking for a while that he just felt like he wasn't needed anymore. I did take up everything and he just ended up being a border and playing with the kids and I picked up all of the slack.

We are currently separated so it is even harder, but whenever he visits there are jobs around for him to do. He came home the other day and I was mowing the lawn, always his job, and he took over. I started to say I'd do it but then let him in. He seems to like changing the light globes and doing the garden and fixing my car.

Small things, but it's a start I guess.

I hope one day soon we will have an opportunity to chat and open up. He is resisting that at the moment so I am just being amicable and friendly and trying to let my inner beauty develop and shine again. I just go so caught up in me and daily life and being a nag and a nasty person got easier. He hates me like that and with the few changes I have made, he's starting to like me again and I am starting to love me again!!!

Thanks again for your post Mortaman. I have printed it and am reading Proverbs too as well as letting go and letting God for my husband's side. You have been an inspiration and I too would love to read your struggle/recovery story.


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Dont forget that you can "invent" things for him to do. He NEEDS to feel like his contributions are important. He needs his wife to need him. So, have things he can do and praise him for doing them.

And as you said, let God do the rest.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
If you have any suggestions or ideas (for jobs and praise) I would really appreciate them.

I live in Australia so we're in summer. I guess I need the weeks poisoned and the fences put up too.

Now I just need to get him in the mood to help me out!

Thank you \:\) (& God)


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
Q
Member
Offline
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
Fabulous, if I may be so bold, this is something both of you could read and learn from.....


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 23
E
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
E
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 23
BTT


Me 43
DW 41
married 16 years
6 kids
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
BUMP


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
I don't understand why this thread is listed among the "Notable Posts".

Many of the sentiments expressed by the OP appear to be in direct conflict with Marriage Builders Principles - especially the POJA and Negotiations. Some are even offensive...

Quote:
You are your wife's head. You are to agape her, to put her ahead of your own needs, wants and desires. But in a loving way. Never in order to hurt or destroy. Sometimes that means you have to do things contrary to what she is asking for.


Quote:
Wives, you are equal to your husbands in EVERY way. You were created in the image of God, you have the same grace of God bestowed upon you on salvation, you're made of the same basic materials. But when it comes to the program of the family, you are to yield to his headship. The husband is the head of the wife.


Quote:
Wives are NCOs. They are equals. But the husband, as the officer, has been given "command." That means not only does he get to make the final decision, but he is also held responsible for what goes right and/or wrong with the family.


Quote:
A woman is to respect her husband. Many men are bad husbands because they are married to bad women. Women that are operating far outside of God's standard.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Originally Posted By: ChrisInNOVA
I don't understand why this thread is listed among the "Notable Posts".

Many of the sentiments expressed by the OP appear to be in direct conflict with Marriage Builders Principles - especially the POJA and Negotiations. Some are even offensive...


Chris, for one thing, you are on the SAA forum! When you have fought an affair and survived, it places you in a position of respect! Mortarman has a great deal of respect from those in this community that have also fought an affair and survived.

Mortarman is also a Christian and expresses himself as such without apology. Many of his posts are notable... Even the ones you might find offensive!

He is one of the good guys! He has a recovered marriage!

He has helped many succeed as well!

I personally have a great deal of admiration for Mortarman and for his knowledge about the MB Program.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
BTW Chris, None of those quotes you've highlighted are in opposition to the MB Program.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
I cannot speak for her, but maybe it is the religious part? I am not religious, some of it IS hard to swallow and read through if you are not a person of religious faith. I am trying to get through the thread, however.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Originally Posted By: Gdar
I cannot speak for her, but maybe it is the religious part? I am not religious, some of it IS hard to swallow and read through if you are not a person of religious faith. I am trying to get through the thread, however.


Mortarman wrote this thread FOR Those of the Judeo-Christian belief. He was ASKED by some other posters to write this. These other posters WERE of the Judeo-Christian faiths that were trying to get their marriage back into perspective after the destruction that accompanies an affair.

This thread is biblically based as well as MB based!

Hence the NOTABILITY!

If it's not for you, leave it where you found it!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Originally Posted By: Gdar
I cannot speak for her, but maybe it is the religious part? I am not religious, some of it IS hard to swallow and read through if you are not a person of religious faith. I am trying to get through the thread, however.


ok, but why would you TRY to swallow if you do not believe in God? Why read a thread for Christians about Christianity if you have rejected Christianity? Like tst pointed out, the thread is FOR Christians. [the Harleys are devout Christians, btw] No one has to read it unless they want to.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Who's Online Now
3 members (tbob, 2 invisible), 61 guests, and 73 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Man22, Husband 786, blahdude, Spring22, Keesha
71,557 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,484
Posts2,321,918
Members71,557
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5