My WH gave me the speech on Jan 25 of this year after I found a Facebook message involving another woman. He moved out two days later and he has now filed for D.

He is asking for 50/50 custody of our DD (7) and does not want to pay child support.

He is possibly trying to get his share of the house, which was my home before we got married and is still in my name only.

He is possibly trying to get half of my retirement.

He is possibly trying to get half of some inheritance money I received from a family member.

I say possibly on the last three because he did not give a definite answer on the Discovery, he said he was waiting to hear my response first before he decided how to respond. I didn't know we could even do this on Discovery.

He only submitted one month out of the 16 months of requested copies of his credit card statements.

He has already postponed our final court date (which was set for later in June) and another date has yet to be set.

I am the most concerned over the 50/50 custody. To think that he gets to decide to bail on our family so he can play bachelor and then try to force my little girl to be apart from her mom, sister and home for half of her childhood just leaves me heartbroken.

Does anyone know what the chances are of a judge giving him the 50/50? He lives in a different town 45 minutes from where my DD goes to school and I have no idea how he plans to get her there and back each day, especially since he often works until 6:30 or 7:00.

IANAL. He'll most likely have to live in your school district to get 50/50. He can't touch inheritance money--until it is 'converted' into marital property (by putting it in a joint account, or trading the cash for an asset, like a car), it is 100% yours. He would only be entitled to half of the equity that has accrued on the home since the time of the marriage--good timing for that to be in your favor, perhaps. And again, he would only be able to touch half of the retirement accrued during the time of the marriage--everything from before marriage is yours. Again, probably a great time for that, too.

He's trying to be big and scary. You be calm and smart.

CWMI, thank you. Everything you said makes sense, and I hope you're right about the school district thing.


I needed to hear this. I've felt like he's had the upper hand from day 1, as he had time to plan (for a full year according to him, but who really knows) so it's been a struggle....but I'm getting there.

This is coming from two attorneys that I'm acquainted with. They have both said that unless both parents are in amicable terms and both in agreement for 50/50 custody, a judge is not very likely at all to award 50/50 custody.

Thank you.

This has been my #1 concern and has literally been keeping me up at night. I would never try to keep DD from her dad and am all for the regular visitation, but I would NEVER agree to 50/50.

It seems to me that in addition to what the two attorneys mentioned, the distance and his work schedule alone present enough of a challenge to the idea of 50/50. Just my opinion, of course, but I think you're safe on this one. I'd be extremely surprised if he were able to get that much time.

Something to think about:

1st if he is asking for 50/50 that means he is wanting to be a big part of your dd's life. An involved father is good. Emotionality aside, it makes sence if both parents do "half time" . Where it could get ugly for you is if you fight him on this,; One: he will feel that you think you have more rights to her then he does, this will inrage him and he could cause alot of trouble for you. Two, it looks really good in court when a father wants to be that active as a parent, courts are not just sideing with mothers anymore. Three, if you want a peaceful coparenting experiane you must respect that you both have the equal right to halve time with your dd and influance over her.

Listen I know how you feel, I had very sumilar feelings during our first and second seperation. It took everything I had to be reasonable, dispite how I personaly felt about it. I loved that he wanted the kids, but I didn't want to be without them. It's hard, but it's all hard, and we have to deal with the situation we are in and we survive.

Denying him his parental rights unless he's a drug user, abusive, etc... Is not the road you want to travel. The courts are there to finalize it all, and to make sure everyone plays nice. But it's way better if you guys can work it out respectfully on your own.

You need to think about what example your going to send your daughter, if he actually stuck to the half time deal she would in fact be better off having both parents in her life like that and would feel equaly loved. It's hard in times like these to remember we don't own our children, and we have to really be careful in situations like this to not have our own feelings overide logic, he wants 50/50 you have to consider the fight ahead if he doesn't get that, if you wanted that what wouldn't you do? Let's say the shoe was on the other foot... It's hard to come to terms with, at first.

I have to say my kids are great, the only time they complain is if the plans change and dad needs me to have them more now and again. Changing houses is hard sometimes, but they are very go with the flow exsepting people. Sometimes the things we think will harm our children or that we worry about, bring out beautiful qualities.


Food for thought... Keep the child issue seperate, from the marital issues, and possible demands...

Good luck

I'm sorry for your problems. I'm in a similar situation and have learned that most of the previous responses are correct. Judges want to make consistency a priority for kids in a divorce. They want the kids lives, as much as possible to stay the same: same neighborhood, school, friends, church, etc. The fact that your husband moved to a different neighborhood will make 50/50 a near impossibility. My husband did the same and is fighting for full custody now because he knows 50/50 is not a possibility because of this fact. (He doesn't want the kids, just doesn't want to pay CS.) No judge wants to see a kid spending a large part of their childhood in transit and will typically look at the parent who moved to a different neighborhood as being less interested in custody.

I see NewLife's point, but think in your case, 50/50 would be way too much of a burden on the kids if your husband stays where he is. Shared custody is a more likely arrangement, and different than 50/50 if there are no extenuating circumstances. (Plus you'd still get some CS).

ASSUMING your WH is a good father, my advice is don't make a shared arrangement where you get all the grunt work (weekdays) and he gets all the fun time. It also breeds inequity regarding getting your career back off the ground while he is free and clear of parental burdens to pursue his. Let him take on half the weekend time, and a small percentage of week days if you are willing and the kids are good with it regarding car time, getting up earlier for commutes, missing friends, etc.

If this type of shared arrangement isn't possible, or if he hasn't been a good father, precedent is key. Tell him you will let the judge decide and keep the kids with you, visiting him on some or most weekends in the meantime. By the time the courts come to decide, they will see your previous arrangement as a consistency that the kids are now used to and take that into consideration. Good luck.

This could be true....OR it could be that he wants half time so he won't have to pay any or at least less child support. If he hasn't been an involved Dad, it is not likely that he will start being one. If he has been one, then it's possible he really does want the parenting time.

Well the answer is you never know... If it's a ploy to pay less or no support then it's a ploy. The child still gets both parents and he still gets half responsibility.

I understand the asumption that a fatherwho wasn't so involved before might not change his ways, but actually my kids dad really step up to the plate in a really big way and is way more of a hands on parent then ever before.

Don't be to comfortable with the idea that because he's not in the same school district etc that that means much. He could drive her, it might be harder for him but oh well, she has to keep the same school. My kids dad lives 45 min away and we do 50/50 no child support, with 5 kids... It's doable, and respectful in my opinion,if the fathers up for it.

One last tid bit. My sister raised her d by herself for 10 years, one day the father who moved out of state and who's in the army decided he wanted to sue for full custody ( did I mention he owed so much in back support also) . Anyway he told the judge my sister prevented him from seeing his d and didn't let him have any kind of relationship with her wich wasnt true. The court deemed him the most likely one to be respectful to the other parents rights. What she did was tell him he can't pop in and out of her life etc. He has full custody, my sister gets her everyother Christmas every other spring break and a few weeks in summer. This was 4 years ago... Total bull but happens, mothers are only favored with young babys... She had to move to another state where she is being raised by her new step mom, since he's active duty. Crazy but true

Things have changed, be very careful and as reasonable as possible, your in a position now because 50/50 is reasonable, he didn't ask for 60/40 so be very careful before acting... Perhaps talking to him and feel him out about how he sees that working. Just listening you shouldn't respond if your emotional.

My 2 cents

Good advice NewLife. As hard as it is to say goodbye to your kids, you cannot and should not deny the father "reasonable" visitation or it could burn you. My situation had many extenuating circumstances: A child with special needs to whom I was the sole caregiver, a mostly absentee and ocassionally abusive father who worked long hours and originally couldn't be more involved with the kids lives, his move to another city and immediately in with the OW despite the kids expecting daddy to come home in a few weeks, and, a consent order for the existing custody arrangement signed by WH. However, he HAS been a much better father since he left. And, while the every other weekend without my kids initially was incredibly painful and lonely, I now look forward to that time off. And can even conceive of more time with their father (a little) if he can come up with an arrangement other than the OW raising the kids while he works.

Point is, each circumstance is different, and the strangeness of the situation will become more bearable in time.

The problem I'm facing right now is that my WH was abusing Ambien and smoking pot right up until the time he left the home. He was taking 7 times (yes 7!!!) the prescribed amt. of Ambien and then he drove with our girls in the car to school the next morning. I didn't realize he had done this (although the Ambien abuse had been an ongoing issue before) until after he left one morning with them and I found the bottle, filled the day before with 7 pills missing. When he got back home I told him that if he ever abused Ambien again and drove with our children that I would call the police and report him. That happened less than one week before he moved out.

The other issue is that I have long wondered if he was Bipolar, and possibly even Borderline Personality D/O. I work in this field so I'm not just pulling this out of thin air. Some times he can be great, other times he's extremely moody and angry and he wants to be left alone. His anger and sarcasm can cut to the core, and no one is spared. My older DD (14) has commented on how peaceful it is now around the house without him there, because we were all literally walking on eggshells trying not to set him off.

He originally DID want the 60/40 with 50/50 in the summer, which I have agreed to as long as my DD has the same childcare that she's had since birth (her grandma). To me, that arrangement was very reasonable. And now he has decided he wants something different. I do wonder if it has something to do with child support, as he is definitely not living the good life since he left. He's in a ratty old college apartment and he's doing his laundry in the bathtub!

I'm sorry, I don't see how it is that HE gets to decide to have an affair, HE gets to decide to walk out, HE gets to decide to file for D,and now he thinks that HE gets to try to keep a little 1st grade girl from her mom and sister for 1/2 of her childhood....because of HIS selfish choices???? I just can't see it.

Distance can be overcome if you are creative. My exWW and I currently have 50/50 shared custody and she lives 90 miles away from me. It's not the ideal situation and we had a custody action because of it.

Right now, the kids go to school about 30 miles south of me where we lived while married. She moved 60 miles south of the maritial town when we sold the house. Thus, neither one of us live in the school district. The solution was to enroll DD5 into the charter school that DS7 is at when she starts kindergarten in the fall. That way, the school district issue is moot.

I've been doing the 30 mile commute to school since Dec 08. This summer, I am moving about 15 miles closer which will help tremendously with logistics on my end. While we have a lot of issues with our coparenting, logistics because of distance is not one of them.

Mom currently has the kids on Monday and Tuesday nights, me Wed and Thur, and then we swap weekends. It's not a bad schedule because you can schedule stuff on your own nights with the kids and not have to worry about whether the ex will do it on her week.

NewLife2 & PSUBIKER, I'm wondering if the 50/50 arrangements were something that you both agreed on with your STBX's, or was this court ordered?

Thanks for the input.

This is a question that haunted me. Eventually I had to let that question go, it was just making me bitter. Still does. You just have to let yourself believe that SOMETHING has to be worked out. Not having a relationship with DD is not an option just because he did all that. Doesn't necessarily have to be on hist terms alone. Best of luck!

Well, we DID have something worked out. Every other weekend and one day during the week. It was working out great. That was what HE wanted and that was what the judge ordered. But HE changed his mind. Again.

I would NEVER expect my DD to not have any kind of relationship with her dad because she loves him and she needs her dad in her life. But really, at what point do I have any kind of say in what happens in my child's life??? Up till now, it's been him calling all the shots about everything.

You have say. This is a marathon, not a sprint. He's not calling all the shots, your say is as important as his. Maybe not to him, but to the judge. Read my post again, I said SOMETHING will be worked out. Not HIS WAY. Don't panic. Mine did a complete 180 too. And I didn't take my own advice. I panicked, I lost hair and weight. Months later (precedent), while nothing permanent is settled and he is still going for FULL custody, I still have full custody, am more likely to keep it, but am also more open to the kids seeing their dad a little more, despite the schmuck that he is. Divorce is not fair, but in the end it's usually reasonable. There's a difference between the two, I am learning.

Thanks fellspointmom....I really appreciate your words of wisdom.

You're right, I need to not panic (which I have been)...nothing good ever comes of that. At this point I'm just praying for a reasonable outcome and I'm keeping my DD's best interest as my priority...even if it's not necessarily what I'd choose.

Thanks, again and I hope your situation works out for the best, too.

We had originally consented to 50/50 shared custody. I was living 30 miles north of the maritial town, exWW lived where the kids go to school. At the time, exWW knew she had to move. We had all assumed that she would move somewhere within 30 minutes of me because that would put her smack dab in the middle of the Philadelphia Metropolitin area and thus a larger job market. But, she moved 60 miles south to rural, southern MD.

A week or so after we signed the consent agreement, she went ballistic when she found out that she wouldn't be getting 2300 / month in CS since we had shared custody. Even though my monthly expenditures are greater than 2300 / mo, she is only getting a third of that and she didn't like it.

A few months later, she moved to southern MD and I filed a custody action since neither one of us live in the school district and she moved without any consultation with me. At the hearing, she provided some documents that she was living with a friend on monday and Tuesday in the town where the kids go to school and the judge bought the story and didn't change custody.

So, right now, we have 50 / 50 shared, we live 90 miles apart, and neither one of us live anywhere near where the kids go to school.

[/quote]

Well, we DID have something worked out. Every other weekend and one day during the week. It was working out great. That was what HE wanted and that was what the judge ordered. But HE changed his mind. Again.
[/quote]

Ahem. This is the Art of WW negotiation. He is asking for pie in the sky, hoping for a vanilla cone. Like a growling DOG, he may use this as a tool to scare you into giving up items, support and child support $$$. Fuggettaboutit!

You have a precident set up that means YOU are the primary caregiver. What is your counselor saying?

Don't freak. You have not given 50/50 (Do you know that the courts are now figuring out that 50/50 is a terrible idea.) It is not stable, not economically fair for the children. Sounds nice on paper, tho.