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First, I owe you guys an apology. I haven't been completely honest here and for that I am sorry. We've reached a crossroads in our R and I want to get things right this time, so I've come here for help.

I don't know if any of you will remember, but addiction had A LOT to do with the circumstances that brought LaLa and I to MB. Not the addiction to an OP, but addiction to marijuana. Fourteen months ago or about a year into our "recovery", LaLa resumed her addiction to pot. From my perspective, it completely derailed our R. Of course, there are all the moral objections to this addiction, but on top of that, it is an enormous trigger for me. In the months leading up to LaLa's A, her drug use escalated to an ounce per week. I watched as it affected every aspect of our life. She began calling off work for days, weeks and eventually months at a time. She filed short-term disability claims to keep from being fired for absenteeism, putting our family's health insurance at risk. I saw her as jeopardizing everything I was working to build. It was horrible and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...she started the A with scuz bucket boy.

It's taken me a long time to face my part in all this. I was the textbook conflict-avoiding enabler. I mistakenly believed that allowing LaLa to live as she wanted and overlooking this addiction made me a good husband. I lied, I covered it up, I made excuses, I believed as long as it wasn't hurting anyone, what was the big deal. I believed that if I made enough money that the family budget didn't suffer it wasn't a problem. I spent most of my time walking on eggshells trying to find a balance between legitimate marital complaints and what was the addiction talking. I was in total and complete denial. Everything that Dr. Harley warns about in the Co-dependency article I did wrong.

Dr. Harley wrote:
"But even after sobriety is achieved, it's an uphill battle for the couple. The spouses of addicts are usually so relieved when treatment is successful that they often think their marital troubles are over. It's true, addiction makes it impossible to resolve marital conflicts. But sobriety itself doesn't solve them -- it simply makes them solvable. Once addiction is overcome, a couple is faced with the legions of other Love Busters that were ignored in the shadow of addiction or were created by addiction."

When I read this paragraph it became crystal clear why I have struggled so much in recovery. For some reason, I have always felt EXTRA betrayed by what happened if that makes any sense. Like, LaLa had some nerve to claim some grand unhappiness considering the liberty she was taking with our M. Anyhoo, back to the point of this post. Over the past two months, we have had several knock down drag out confrontations where I demanded that LaLa get sober for good. It got really ugly a couple of times.

After the last confrontation, she decide to get on Facebook behind my back and send friend requests to not ONE BUT TWO EX-BOYFRIENDS!!! She exchanged messages with both these men and proceeded to keep her actions hidden from me by deleting her Facebook notifications and gmail trash can every day so I would not catch on. For someone that has not had an A, FB is a huge red flag. For some that has had an A, knows MB principles and was given a second chance, it is down right disrespectful, spiteful, mean and cruel. All in the name of getting back at me for taking a stand against her drug use. It is so obvious to me now how she ended up in an A in the first place over some perceived neglect in our M. Say goodbye to any trust that has been rebuilt. Obviously, she's still entirely capable of actions that would cause me pain. It was flat out deliberate betrayal.

So, after all this, I offered to try and rebuild one last time. I required 4 things to demonstrate an understanding of the seriousness of the situation and a commitment to helping me build a better M.

1. Getting Sober
2. Joining a recovery program
3. Deleting the freaking FB account!
4. Reworking the MB program

It's been about 6 weeks since all this went down. She is clean and sober now which I can verify. The Facebook account was deleted. She is making an effort to work on the M. Unfortunately, she's still not in a recovery program and feels no need to work the MB program again. She believes it's all on me to decide to be happy, stop living in the past and let it go. That's not gonna work for me because right now, I don't not feel safe in this M or like we are headed down a path of recovery. Instead, I feel completely disrespected, unappreciated and placated.

You know, I remember a conversation LaLa and I had about two months before the A began. She came home telling me this story about how scuz bucket boy OM told her that everyone SETTLES in M. We both laughed at what an utterly ridiculous statement it was. We both expressed such enormous gratitude to one another for being lucky enough to marry our best friend and how neither of us had SETTLED. If memory serves, our whole laugh over it ended in SF. I no longer feel that way and I haven't for going on 4 years now. I can't do it anymore and I will not SETTLE for the mediocre M that has been left in the wake of LaLa's A. Either we are going to work together as a team to build a better M than before or we are going our separate ways.

I love her and I still want this M, but I no longer NEED this M to be happy. She's gonna have to step up and take the lead for a while. I'm emotionally, mentally and physically spent and I can't carry it anymore without help.

Any thoughts?

Am I being to harsh?

Is what I wrote within MB principles?

What would you do under these circumstances?

Want2Stay


BS-me 36
FWW-34
DS-7 & DS-3
PA - 7/06-8/06
EA - 6/06-1/07
D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06
Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07
My Story
My Wife's Story
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Healing one day at a time.....
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I can see why shes not been posting here.

Can't have a good marriage when there is a drug addiction.

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No one can live with a wayward like that.

"Can't we all just forget and move on?"

She isn't repentant. I think she's just going through the motions to keep you.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Maybe you can get some MBers (female) that she listened to before send her an email or two to shake her up enough to come back here.

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Maybe you can get some MBers (female) that she listened to before send her an email or two to shake her up enough to come back here.

I hope so Road, but I've learned that hope is not a plan.

Want2Stay


BS-me 36
FWW-34
DS-7 & DS-3
PA - 7/06-8/06
EA - 6/06-1/07
D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06
Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07
My Story
My Wife's Story
---------------------
Healing one day at a time.....
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I doubt she would stay long, you KNOW she is got to get 2 x 4ed through the Pit of Tartarus and back...

(Er, sorry...little too much Greek mythology lately.)


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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"I love her ..."

I suggest examining in detail what you mean by "I love her".

I suspect you still care about her wellbeing.

But, there is no need to continue to fool your self about what love really is. Love may be you turn her in next time she is in possession.

Love may be you set her free to hit bottom.

Love may be you walk away and never look back.

Find an Alanon meeting. Soon. Quickly.


eta: Defenders of legalized marijuana use make me angry. It is as addictive and life ruining as alcohol and any given hard drug. And there is absolutely no peer reviewed study supporting medical benefits.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
I doubt she would stay long, you KNOW she is got to get 2 x 4ed through the Pit of Tartarus and back...

(Er, sorry...little too much Greek mythology lately.)

Yeah....I know.

Want2Stay


BS-me 36
FWW-34
DS-7 & DS-3
PA - 7/06-8/06
EA - 6/06-1/07
D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06
Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07
My Story
My Wife's Story
---------------------
Healing one day at a time.....
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Originally Posted by Aphelion
"I love her ..."

I suggest examining in detail what you mean by "I love her".

I suspect you still care about her wellbeing.

But, there is no need to continue to fool your self about what love really is. Love may be you turn her in next time she is in possession.

Love may be you set her free to hit bottom.

Love may be you walk away and never look back.

Find an Alanon meeting. Soon. Quickly.


eta: Defenders of legalized marijuana use make me angry. It is as addictive and life ruining as alcohol and any given hard drug. And there is absolutely no peer reviewed study supporting medical benefits.

Holy crap...It's Aph!

I've read pretty much everything there is to read from Nar-Anon. Unfortunately, meetings are far and few between in my area. So, I know the drill. Thanks for chiming in...

Want2Stay

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W2S,

You KNOW what you need to do......

Call the coaching center NOW.....(I have told Lala this for months....)

There is NO reason or excuse for you NOT to......

{{{{W2S}}}}

Not

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Originally Posted by not2fun
W2S,

You KNOW what you need to do......

Call the coaching center NOW.....(I have told Lala this for months....)

There is NO reason or excuse for you NOT to......

{{{{W2S}}}}

Not

Thanks Not...I really appreciate the support. Really we get about 90% of it right. It's the other 10% that is screwing things up. Something just doesn't feel right to me and I'm tired of pretending everything is OK. We need to make some changes.

Want2Stay

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W2S, if you feel you are at the end of your rope, it is your prerogative not to work on things.

If you truly do not wish to continue it is your call, not WW's.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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W2S,
sigh sigh sigh

I support your M.....you KNOW this. Everything you posted, I already knew.....HOWEVER.......you need to be honest on here about your side of the street.

You BOTH needs to make changes.....and it needs to be under the guidance of the professionals this time. Call them yesterday......you BOTH need help......

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Sorry W2S....

She has snowed you long enough! It's not really even gaslighting anymore, yanno!

I would divorce!

If I were to see true repentance after the divorce.....

Well, who knows??

Last edited by tst; 06/10/10 03:37 PM.




Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I agree with TST.

If johnstwin can remarry her FXH then you could do so with your WW too if she repented.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Nar-Anon would help you, W2S, but LaLa needs to step up to the plate and seek out help for herself.

I've always thought that she blamed you because she had to give up some things to provide EPs, when the reason she had to give them up was because of HER actions.

Even though she ended the affair, I think that she still wants her cake and to eat it to...to just go along doing what she wants and expecting you to be happy with it.

In essence, it seems as if her actions are saying, "Well, I'm still here, aren't I?", as if that is all that is required for a happy and healthy marriage.

Drugs are not going to help her feel good about herself or deal with life. Doing the right thing is what will help her.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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It's a shame LaLa isn't presenting her butt here for a good welcome back to MB! I still remember the first night she arrived and my foot is twitchy!


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Originally Posted by not2fun
W2S,
sigh sigh sigh

I support your M.....you KNOW this. Everything you posted, I already knew.....HOWEVER.......you need to be honest on here about your side of the street.

You BOTH needs to make changes.....and it needs to be under the guidance of the professionals this time. Call them yesterday......you BOTH need help......

Not,

I kind of assumed that you already knew. You and LaLa are good friends so I figured that she had confided in you. I'm not trying to claim some higher ground here. I just want things fixed and pretending the elephant isn't still sitting in the room was getting us no where fast. Neither was me telling LaLa how I feel about what was happening. So, I figured the best place to have this discussion would be on neutral ground where we could both be called on our own stuff.

I know I'm no saint and recovery has been HARD. I'm more than willing to make changes and improve this M. It had to start with me taking a stand against her drug use or there would have been no hope and counseling would not have been an option.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful.

My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.

That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.

Whether LaLa believes me or not, I am trying to make things better. It starts with owning the past year and really our whole relationship and rebuilding it from the ground up. There is no going back to the circumstances that led us here. It was TOO big a trigger and to painful for me to live that old lifestyle.

I'm not sure any of this matters. LaLa is furious that I posted the events of the last two months here. She sees it as an attack rather than a cry for help and is insisting that the M is over. It's just not worth it to her.

Want2Stay


BS-me 36
FWW-34
DS-7 & DS-3
PA - 7/06-8/06
EA - 6/06-1/07
D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06
Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07
My Story
My Wife's Story
---------------------
Healing one day at a time.....
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Quote
Something just doesn't feel right to me and I'm tired of pretending everything is OK.

Oh boy. Man, does that hit home for me as well. Something that you just cant quite put your finger on but you KNOW there is something wrong. I live with that feeling nearly every day. It is gut wrenching and I am so sorry for you.


Quote
For someone that has not had an A, FB is a huge red flag. For some that has had an A, knows MB principles and was given a second chance, it is down right disrespectful, spiteful, mean and cruel. All in the name of getting back at me for taking a stand against her drug use. It is so obvious to me now how she ended up in an A in the first place over some perceived neglect in our M. Say goodbye to any trust that has been rebuilt.

I understand this very well. Whatever self esteem or security you might have rebuilt now seems like a sham, doesnt it? I certainly sounds to me like you are upholding YOUR end of the bargain. You are staying in the M, wading through the muck and mountains of pain and opening yourself up to trusting again.

LaLa, however... has fallen far short. Like my own H - she speaks words but her behavior is dishonest. To me, the WS needs to demonstrate THROUGH ACTIONS that are concrete that you are safe. LaLa has, through her actions, demonstrated the exact opposite. What a cowardly, passive aggressive way to handle a situation. Im struggling with some dishonesty in my M myself so I really feel for you.

Im going to put the next paragraph in bold. It is a painful sotry for me to tell but really really relevent .

my previous husband died of a THC related heart attack. He was 39 years old . There is not a person alive that can convince me that marijuana is a "harmless" drug. IT IS NOT. The is NOTHING harmless about it. It alters dopamine levels and causes a state of chemical imbalance in the brain. It has been linked to bipolar states, in that it can bring on manic and depressive states in a person not known to suffer from either disorder previously.

W2S - you cant have a relationship with this woman until she gets herself together. My previous M ended and he died alone at 39 because he never quit.


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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Originally Posted by Want2Stay
I'm not sure any of this matters. LaLa is furious that I posted the events of the last two months here. She sees it as an attack rather than a cry for help and is insisting that the M is over. It's just not worth it to her.

The facebook crap alone is reason enough to send lala packin'.

Now she is pouting like a true wayward for being called out on her behaviors. Good Grief!

I can hear it now, "I did stop smokin' dope and facebooking with old highschool sweethearts, so what's your problem now".

Kinda like sayin', "I did end the A, so get over it already"!

<pause>


I'm sure she's Tellin' all her IRL and MB friends what a terrible H she has and how she deserves to have someone that will work as hard as she has to recover this marriage. You know,,,, the poor me crap!

wayward snow job! let me get a shovel.....








Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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