Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 78 of 91 1 2 76 77 78 79 80 90 91
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
NO VM's? No Texts?

Wonder what is up.

What number did she use to call you?

LG

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
VM isn't set up with my Afghan cell phone, and I'm not sure that texting works internationally.

She used her "old" number to call me, it's what she always uses.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Hrmm, well she didn't call today. Should I send her an email and ask how she's doing or what's going on?

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
I'd say send her an everyday 'how are you' sorta thing.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
GG:

Something BIG happened on her end. ANd she wanted to rip you a new one. And she wanted to make sure you where on the phone so that she could DO IT.

That is why you had 5 phone calls. And no response to your "asks" to do it at a time that you where available.

You can send her a "chatty" "whats up" email. Keep it short, and light. Mention that you DO want to talk to her.

Reach out to your MIL, and others who may know WW and ask about how things are going with them. Talk about your past two weeks, and ask about FIL and the medical treatments.

SOMEONE will know what is going on, and give you an indirect heads up.

Makes it easier to deal with WW then.

Also, I can't understand why it is so much trouble to get a dog from the Midwest to AZ. A company can do it, but for $1K? How about a friend and a road trip that you give them $250-$300 to take care of it.

LG

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote:
Something BIG happened on her end. ANd she wanted to rip you a new one. And she wanted to make sure you where on the phone so that she could DO IT.


Sounds pretty logical to me... remember Gurka, she was "worried" about her Army career. If she found out that she's getting booted out before her OBC class starts, then that would really throw a monkey wrench in her plans!

Think of how you might respond to this and be ready for her to unload on you.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Slight TJ - Read about the 7 year old boy who was hung by the Taliban for being a spy, All I can say is thanks for all of you who have served your time in Afghanistan to fight this horrible evil.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Still haven't heard from her. I sent her an email yesterday asking if everything was ok, how she was doing, and if she worked out sleeping arrangements for her brother.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Good Evening Gurka! Don't worry, she will call or e-mail...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Alright, I was thinking about trying to call her tomorrow morning, but I guess I'll just let it ride and see if she contacts me.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
She called me this morning to let me know she'd be flying to Dallas for the 4th of July and bringing the dog back with her. I asked if she talked to my parents and she said no, she wasn't talking to anyone or writing anyone or putting anything in writing because apparently when she does she gets in trouble. I'm not sure what this was about.

I asked her if she'd made sure to get a safe for her handgun (seeing as how she has a teenager living with her now) and she said yes. I asked if she found a place for him to sleep and she said yes. I asked how everything else was going and she said "fine." I asked if she still ever got a new laptop, and if she still wanted the one that I got over here. She said she didn't get a new one. I explained that I needed to start sending stuff back soon, and needed to decide if I was going to give it to someone here or bring it back. She said, "you can give it to me." And I said, "Ok, I'll keep it then." And she said, "I don't need anything from you."

She then said that her brother was using "this" phone now (her old phone) so I can turn off the service to it whenever I want. I said I wasn't worried about turning it off, and it's better that he have a phone to use. Then she said she had to go.

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
Sounds like there are some cracks in her fantasy world. After 30 years of marriage I know one thing. When you ask your wife how things are, and she responds with fine. Things are most definitely not.....fine.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
She called me at 1330 this afternoon, asking if I had called her. I said no, she said it looked like she'd missed a call from a weird number. I said she was up pretty late, (2am her time) and she said, "it's saturday night, I was out with my friends. I'm not #1 in my class here so I'm popular now." She said, "I guess you're busy?" I said yes, I was about to leave. I asked what her brother did while she was out, she said "nothing." I said I was just curious if she was doing stuff to entertain him on the weekends, and she said he's 16, he can entertain himself. And don't worry about. "I'm not giving you any personal details because when I do you use them against me." Then she said, "I know you want to say something, so what is it?" I said, "No, there's nothing in particular, but if you want to talk I'm here for you." She said, "I've never wanted to talk." Then she said, "Well I'm going to bed. Have fun, bye." I replied "Ok, have a good night, bye."


I need a way to respond to this "anytime I tell you something you use it against me." If you've been following this thread this was one of my concerns very early on, that by betraying the trust she placed in me by disclosing the affair, I would sabotage future reconciliation. So how do I break through this?

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Quote:
I need a way to respond to this "anytime I tell you something you use it against me." If you've been following this thread this was one of my concerns very early on, that by betraying the trust she placed in me by disclosing the affair, I would sabotage future reconciliation. So how do I break through this?


THere are no magic words that you can say. She just has to accept the fact that you are NOT the kind of guy who would look the other way when his WW has an A. You were under no obligation to keep her dirty secret, no matter what you "promised". The fact that she wanted you to, speaks to her lack of respect for you.

Inspite of what she said about not giving you details about her life. She IS doing just that. She is even calling you when she thinks she missed your call.

Are you still writing her bi-weekly emails?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
No, I haven't been writing her regular "about my day" emails. In a phone call I referenced a picture I had sent her several weeks ago and she laughed and coldly said, "I don't look at your pictures."

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote:
I need a way to respond to this "anytime I tell you something you use it against me."


Good Morning Gurka!

You could say something like "I'll do whatever it takes to protect OUR marriage." ...then change the subject.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Originally Posted By: RIF
Quote:
I need a way to respond to this "anytime I tell you something you use it against me."


Good Morning Gurka!

You could say something like "I'll do whatever it takes to protect OUR marriage." ...then change the subject.

Semper Fi,

RIF



Gurk:

You can let her unload on you:

Reply with: "What did I disclose that you told me in confidence that has hurt you?"

Put it on the table. Ignoring things like that means that "your not listening to her" SHe is trying to hint at what she DOES want to talk about.

She gave you an opening, when she called you back, and asked if it was you, and then said "what do you want to say?" So say it.

I want to save my marraige. OR
I want to find out where we went so wrong? OR
I wanted to know how your father was feeling?

Just get her to TALK.

She is seeking YOU Out now. So, work with her...

LG

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
No, I haven't been writing her regular "about my day" emails. In a phone call I referenced a picture I had sent her several weeks ago and she laughed and coldly said, "I don't look at your pictures."

I'm willing to bet that's a lie designed to push you further away.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Gerka,

Her statement
Quote:
"anytime I tell you something you use it against me."
is just her feeling sorry for herself and trying to make you feel bad for her doing bad.

You could respond to this but what do you want to accomplish? If it is something sort of snappy, you could respond
Quote:
It isn't what you tell me that is the problem, it is what you do that is the problem.


Or you could use the every popular
Quote:
Oh! Grow up!


Or
Quote:
You statement is patently false and a gross exaggeration.
OR
Quote:
Yes Dear!


Or you could just ignore it. You know it is a false statment, you know it is blame shifting. This leaves you with the following
Quote:
Don't blame me for your lack of morals, your lack of honor, and your failure to uphold your vows and oath.


You can do this many ways, it just depends on what you want to accomplish.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Good evening Gurka!

Just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing. Haven't seen you around lately.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Page 78 of 91 1 2 76 77 78 79 80 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 29 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5